by A. E. Murphy
Holy crap. I’m a puddle. He always says the right things, usually at the wrong time, but he says them and I have no doubts that he means them.
Instead of responding, I climb into the shower. When I finish I check my phone ready to text Sasha but she beats me to it by walking through the door with my babies in tow.
“Wing A WOSES!” Dillan screeches so loudly I hear glass crack.
“POSES A PO!” Emily joins in.
“A TISSUE A TISSUE!” Tommy chants with them, just as loud and irritating. Sasha looks on cloud nine and I can already see her planning the birth of their first child. I just hope she waits a while longer before the squawking of a new-born can be heard in her home.
“We all fall down,” I finish.
Nathan steps into the hall and scoops both kids up, one on each arm. How he has the strength for that I have no idea; I’m barely hanging on.
“I hope you don’t mind but we’re going to go and do a bit of sightseeing,” Sasha politely tells me.
“Of course! You don’t have to spend all of your time here.”
“We’ll be back in a few hours.”
“It’s fine,” I reassure her because it really is. There’s nothing worse than being tied down and made to feel guilty over wanting to do your own thing. I know that feeling all too well. “Go and explore.”
“Are you sure?”
“Go,” I laugh, shoving her to the door. “I’ll have a small, non-fancy cake ready for when you return to replace the one I dropped.”
“You dropped one?” Nathan enquires. I nod and give him a look that says I’ll tell him about it later.
What exactly I’ll tell him I don’t know.
Sasha leaves soon after, taking Tommy and Emily with her because Emily will sleep through the entire outing in her pram anyway, whereas Dillan will run them ragged. Still, it’s nice to get some alone time with my boys. They’re wrestling already and the draft from behind Sasha has yet to leave.
“ROAAARRRR!” Nathan roars and an excited Dillan giggles loudly.
“Oh no, a scary monster,” I feign fear and hide with Dillan behind the chair. “Whatever will we do?”
Dillan hides his pudgy face in the crook of my neck, still giggling so violently his body is shaking. Nathan snatches him from me and, still growling, begins to chomp on every chubby area of our little boy. I sit back, smiling at the sight of their happiness. Why must relationships be so complex?
“Who’s hungry?” Nathan asks as Dillan dangles from his back, arms tight around his neck.
“I need to make cake.”
“Why don’t I go and pick us up some lunch?”
Smiling I admit, “That does sound good.”
He leans in and kisses my cheek. “I’ll take the brat; he’ll only cry if I leave him with you anyway.”
“True.”
“Daddy’s boy.”
He returns before long with a bag full of food and a sleeping Dillan resting on his shoulder.
“Bless him,” I whisper and take the bag. “Go and settle him.”
“And then we’ll talk?”
I nod and smooth a hand over my baby boy’s hair. “And then we’ll talk.”
Before he leaves the kitchen he turns and says, “That smells wonderful, by the way.”
“Right?” I grin, looking to the oven where my cake is rising happily.
When Nathan steps back into the room I bite hard on my lip and speak. “Before we get into the heavy stuff, I… I need to tell you something.”
“Go on.” He eyes me warily, cautiously, and remains poised only a foot from me.
“Two nights ago when I stayed late to make Tommy’s cake.”
“The one you dropped?”
Nodding, I continue, “Kerim…” Fuck, this is hard to say. I avert my eyes. “You were right about Kerim wanting more than I thought he did.”
“What?” He hisses dangerously and his hands fist by his sides.
“Please don’t make an issue of it.”
“An issue of the fact another man, a friend, has shown his true intentions to my wife?”
Oh dear.
“What exactly happened?”
“He kissed me.” I think back to the forcefulness of his mouth on mine and then I shudder at the memory with guilt. “And for less than half a second I may have reciprocated.” He freezes, his face paling, so I quickly add, “It was the surprise of it and I’m not kidding - it was only for a split second.”
“Half a second or a second?” He barks, shaking with anger.
“Does it matter?”
“I suppose not.” His tone is biting, furious. “And then you pushed him away?”
“Of course!” I duck my head to catch his eyes that are looking down as he tries to collect himself. “I’m not interested in Kerim. I would never hurt you like that either.”
His lips thin to a white line and then my heart soars when he pulls me into his chest and mutters, “I believe you.”
“Thank you.” Is he finally learning to trust me? “I don’t know what to do.”
“You won’t have to do anything,” he says softly and rests his chin atop my head.
This makes me question, “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.” He pulls away and lets out a sad breath. “You’re not really mine anymore, are you?”
“That’s a difficult question to answer.”
He nods once, looking as if he knew exactly what I’d say. “I do trust you. I know you think I don’t, but I do.”
“I know you think you do but you don’t.”
“Can’t we have some things separate from each other? Do we have to be forthcoming with every small detail?”
“Not at all.” I place my hand on my heart. “I’m not that unreasonable.” He tries to speak but I raise my hand to silence him. “But suddenly getting into contact with your mother and involving our children isn’t a small detail.”
“Fair point.” He rubs his face with both hands and sighs. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to keep hurting you.”
“Then don’t.”
“It’s not that easy when what you need from me isn’t something I can give.”
“Why though?” I grab the sleeve of his shirt, desperate for him to give me more than that. “Why can’t you?” When he doesn’t answer I give his shirt a tug. “I’ve been indebted to you since the fire.”
His look is questioning.
“I’ve let you walk all over me, Nathan.” I whisper, looking away. “The things you’ve hidden, the way I’ve responded... I’ve essentially been enabling your behaviour because you literally almost died for me.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
“I know, but I felt as though I did so I’ve been letting you lie. I’ve been letting you treat me badly because I thought I didn’t deserve better.” I explain softly. “It’s not going to be like that anymore. You can’t treat me how you have been anymore. The jealousy, the mistrust, the lying…”
He nods solemnly. “I know I’ve been a bit intense lately. I’m really trying.”
“I hope so, because it’s not fair. I’m not completely blaming you for everything. I should have listened to you about Kerim. I didn’t trust your judgement and for that I’m sorry.”
“Your cake,” he states, hiding any emotions from my view.
“Shit,” I hiss and dart for the oven. I pull the cake from it just in time. It looks perfect but only time will tell if it is or not.
“Stop cursing; it doesn’t suit you.”
“Sorry.” My heatproof gloved hands place the cake tin on the wire rack. Fingers crossed this one doesn’t end in disaster like the last one. “And I’m sorry that I kind of kissed him back. It wasn’t because it was him… I don’t know how to explain it any more than I know why I did it.”
“It’s okay; you’re confused and under a lot of stress right now. We both are.” I feel his heat against my back as I stare at the cooling cake.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” If the shoe was on the other foot I’d be going insane, despite how irrational it may be.
“Because I don’t want to lose you. I promise I’ll do better. You’re right… about everything. I feel terrible.”
Wow.
I can hardly breathe. His words have made me weak.
He kisses the curve of my neck and moves away. “May I stay a while longer?”
“Of course.” I finally turn and tilt my head at my kind of fiancé. “Stay as long as you need.”
“I need forever.”
“One step at a time, okay?”
He grins, though it’s a mixture of sadness and amusement. “Understood.”
“Well at least you understand something I say.” I jest and he answers by pinching my hip and pushing his lips onto mine. Is this a normal thing to do when separated? Who knows?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nathan’s mum shows up at ten on the dot, holding a bag full of gifts for the children and even a new, beautiful hat and scarf set for me ready for the winter. I thank her and leave her to have some privacy with the kids. She has visited so many times now it’s getting easier and I’m starting to enjoy her company. The woman before me doesn’t resonate with the woman I once thought I knew. She’s so much more carefree, happy and seems to be almost at peace, though there’s a tortured look to her that I can tell she tries to Botox away. She’d deny it if I asked.
Nathan has moved back in and sleeps in Dillan’s room. I can’t trust myself with him in bed. Who can blame me? He’s a male God. His body is perfection, his love for me and his personality even more so.
As for work, I haven’t been in much over the past couple of weeks and when I have been in Kerim hasn’t been there or he’s been busy. Thankfully he hasn’t approached me about what happened and I’m hoping we can move past it without issue.
Nathan doesn’t want me to say anything to him but Sasha thinks I should get things squared out about it all and our possible partnership and my promotion. What worries me is that the partnership was a promise based on us sleeping together and now that’s off the table I’m out, which would mean I’m not as good as Kerim said I am.
This reality will devastate me. Devastate me.
The alarm on my phone rings, reminding me of my appointment at the doctors today. I’m booked in to get the coil, birth control, and I completely forgot. I should have set an earlier reminder.
“Damn it!” I hiss and twist my hair around one hand as I try to think about what to do. I could rebook but it’ll take at least two months and I can’t handle another day on this pill. It’s making me so ill. Why am I such a bone head?
“What’s wrong?” Patricia asks softly, placing her cup of tea on the side out of reach of the kids.
“I forgot about an appointment I have,” I wince, checking the time on my phone again. “Would you mind me calling an end to this visit a bit earlier than expected?”
She looks disappointed and I don’t blame her; she only just got here. “May I watch them for you? It would really be no bother.”
My heart hammers in my chest at the thought of it. I’m not sure I can, despite our numerous meetings.
“It’s fine.” She holds up her hand and gives me a reassuring smile. “I understand your reluctance. Maybe another time?”
“Would you… just hold on for one second. I’ll call Nathan.”
She smiles again and watches me exit the room. This feels all kinds of wrong and of course I’m scared but I also want to give her a chance. She didn’t ever physically abuse Nathan and she really does love the kids, I can tell. I wouldn’t make that mistake.
This is such a hard decision. What if I make the wrong one?
“Hey,” Nathan greets me, sounding breathless through the receiver of my phone. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m getting the coil today.”
“You are?”
“I completely forgot.” I lean back so I can see Patricia sitting on the ground with the kids, playing with their toy trains. “I could take them with me but…”
“But?”
“Your mum said she wants to look after them.”
He stops breathing as do I and then he whistles long and high. “That’s… I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. What do you think?”
“That’s why I’m calling you.”
“How long will you be?”
“An hour, maybe an hour and a half.”
He makes a ticking sound with his tongue before replying, “She deserves a shot. Right?”
“I agree. She’s been here more times than I can count.”
“I just… Go. She’ll be fine.”
“You sure?” I ask cautiously. “You sure you’re sure?”
He chuckles quietly. “I’m sure. I’ll video call her. It’ll be fine. Good luck.”
When I re-enter the room I pick up Emily and kiss her cheek. Then I gather the courage to finally ask Patricia, “Are you sure you don’t mind?”
Her face lights up so bright it warms my heart. “I could never mind.” When her eyes begin to glisten with tears, I shuffle uncomfortably on the spot and nuzzle Emily to divert my attention. “This means a lot. Too much.”
Too much? “I hopefully won’t be too long. Nathan said he’s going to video call you at some point.”
“That’s fine, go. All will be perfect. You will see.”
And leave I do, my heart beating rapidly and my legs carrying me faster than they ever have.
When I return, my stomach cramping and aching in an awful way, I stagger into the toilet and vomit almost immediately.
“Oh my goodness, Gwen, are you alright?” Patricia raps on the bathroom door.
“That was the worst experience of my life,” I whimper, recalling the aching pain as the coil was inserted. The cramps are making it so hard to see straight. I hurt.
“I’ll make you some peppermint tea.”
“Are they okay?” I yell, as she descends the stairs.
“They are fine. Emily is napping on the couch,” she calls back, only just loud enough for me to hear.
I’m relieved they’re all okay but deep down I knew they would be or I would never have walked out of that door. I kind of wish I hadn’t walked through that door. My stomach hurts so badly. The procedure itself wasn’t terrible - it hurt but not like I imagined - it’s the after cramps. I feel so achy and drained. The doctor said it’ll go away after a good sleep. I sure hope she’s right.
“What happened? You look ghastly.”
Ghastly? That’s a word you don’t hear every day. She’s right though, I look as white as a sheet and probably shiny too after splashing my face with cool water and not having the energy to dry it properly afterwards.
“Should I call Nathan?”
“No.” I shakily lower myself onto the couch behind Emily and tuck her into my side. “My stomach hurts so badly.”
“I’m not surprised. What did you get? That awful T shaped thing they insert into your lady parts?”
Lady parts? Snort. “Yeah, it’ll be worth it. No more horrible chemicals and even worse hormonal spats to contend with.”
The kettle boils and Patricia leaves the room once more, returning a few minutes later with a pleasant smelling peppermint tea, the bag still in the water.
“I added a sugar.”
“Thank you.” I wait for her to place it on the smaller table by the couch before reaching for a handle, reaching my body far over Emily’s and taking a small sip. “That’s perfect.”
“I know my time is almost at an end but I’d feel terrible leaving you in your condition.”
“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I wave her off and shut my eyes, praying that Dillan doesn’t start climbing all over me.
“I doubt it and I shan’t risk it. If it’s alright, I’ll stay and keep an eye on the kids while you rest.”
Who is this wonderful woman and where did she come from? “Thank you, Patricia.”
&nbs
p; “It’s no bother. Close your eyes and sleep. I’ll fetch you a blanket.”
A soft, warm hand touches my forehead followed by even softer lips.
“You smell good,” I whisper, reaching for Nathan as he lifts me from the sofa and into his arms. “I’m heavy.”
“This brings back memories.” I hear the smile in his voice. “That night you stayed in the house, back when you were pregnant with Dillan. I found you asleep on the sofa.”
“I remember vaguely,” I murmur. My eyes won’t open. “My stomach still hurts. What time is it?”
“Bed time. You missed work.”
“What?” I jolt as he carries me up the stairs.
“It’s okay, I spoke to Harold. He understands it can’t be helped.”
My eyes peel open though the light hurts so I shut them immediately. “I think I’m getting ill.”
“I think you’re just exhausted.” He lowers me onto the mattress and begins to help me out of my clothes. “I called the doctor and she said this is normal for some people. You just need rest and to check the strings in the morning, whatever that means.”
“Right.” I raise the top half of my body so he can help me out of my top and bra. “Where are the babies?”
“Sleeping. Like I said, it’s late. My mother was putting them to bed just as I got home.”
“Oh my god, now I feel bad.”
“It’s fine.” He lowers me down and tucks the blanket up to my chin. “She said you were dead to the world.”
“I can tell.” Rolling onto my side, I tuck the blanket between my legs. “Tell her I owe her one.”
“She seemed to be enjoying herself just fine. She was singing to Emily. I’ve never heard her sing.” He sounds happy and wistful. “Is it possible that I might actually…”
“What?” I try to turn to look at him but he pins me and curls into my back.
“Nothing, it’s a silly thought.”
“There’s no such thing.”
“I just feel content,” he sighs softly and kisses my shoulder. “As though all things are going to work out better than I could have imagined.”
“I really, really hope you’re right.”
“Well!” I grin, stretching tall. “The doctor was right. I just needed sleep.”