Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  She took the envelope and pulled out the tickets. “I told you I wasn’t going home for Thanksgiving.”

  Was she not pleased?

  “That’s because you spent your travel passes on me.”

  “It’s all good, Ashton. I know what I did. You didn’t have to buy me plane tickets.”

  “And what you did was going to have you spending Thanksgiving and Christmas here on campus alone.”

  Tori shrugged, facing the mirror of the long vanity counter ahead. “I know what I did, and I’m good with it.”

  Always playing it cool…

  I sucked in a breath of boredom, prepared to finally go. “Well, now you can be good with seeing your family in two weeks for Thanksgiving dinner. Thank me on our flight home, seat neighbor.”

  “This is for a flight with you?”

  I reached down, gripped her chin with my index finger and thumb, and pulled her to my mouth, tonguing her deeply. Her mouth was warm, breath was of stale mint, and tongue was innocent and eager just the same. My palm moved to her neck, drawing me deeper into the kiss. Tori grabbed at my lower arm, holding on to me as I took her mouth without restraint. Tori was a beginner, lacking pace and patience. That shit thrilled me. I stopped because I had to, not because I was done. As smooth as my moves were, this felt fucked up.

  But so damn good…

  I pulled back and murmured, “Don’t sound so excited.”

  “I’m not,” she breathed.

  Feeling her pulse against my hand, I let go of her neck and chuckled. I needed to go, so I did.

  “Your apologies ain’t no different from my thank yous,” she called to my back.

  That deepened my humor. “God help us all when I start thanking you.” Then I peered over my shoulder. “You coming to the lawn theater on Friday?”

  After a beat, she murmured, “I don’t know what that is, but two days is a long way away when I got so much school work to do and a fight to get ready for.”

  Ignoring her low key “no,” I shot back, “I’ll save you a seat.”

  Why did I agree to this?

  That was the fourth time I asked myself that question since walking to the south side of campus to find this stupid lawn theater thing. Apparently, it was popular because, since Ashton brought it up on Wednesday night, Samantha had mentioned it before leaving for work last night, and ShawnNicole asked me if I was coming this morning when I passed her in the hall on my way to my class. This shit felt like peer pressure.

  Walking toward a gigantic projection screen, I saw concession stands. People were walking away with popcorn, drinks, candy, and other foods I couldn’t make out. Dag. This was a real thing. Once again, I was out-cultured at this school. I’d never been to a movie on the lawn. And what made it more awkward was the sea of people sitting on the grass in fifty-degree weather, wrapped in blankets; some were looking my way. I had no idea where I was going and hated being seen outside of the ring.

  “Hey, Tori!” A shout from the right had me stopping and desperately searching.

  When I found Samantha’s waving arms, I felt stupid. I should have known the only female voice calling me from the West Beverly High crew would have been ShawnNicole’s, and hers was brittle and whispery.

  I waved back and tried to add a smile, but deep inside I was hella annoyed. In the next ten seconds, I was going to turn around and head back to my dorm.

  Twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen—

  “McNabb, you look like you’ve stepped in shit!” someone howled, then a chorus of laughter followed.

  I rolled my eyes, knowing I’d found my destination. Al stood on his knees and waved his thick arms in the air like I belonged on a short bus. Andrea and Karmen laughed their heads off, Karmen even pointed my way. So immature. After rolling my eyes, they landed on a tight face gaping back at me. Ashton tapped the blanket which was an empty space to the right of him, then flapped his fingers for me to come. So ready to get out of the spotlight, I moved quickly, being sure not to step on legs or knee the backs of heads on my way.

  My body froze when I made it to him. What I couldn’t see from a distance was Aivery’s head on his left shoulder as she tapped away into her phone.

  “McNabb,” Ashton called out. “Have a seat.” His eyes pulled my attention down to the rolled out Panthers sleeping bag next to him.

  “Hey, Tori!” ShawnNicole rasped from the other side of Aivery.

  She sat in between Karmen and Andrea. Of course, Karmen sat by mean girl Aivery. That’s when I noticed magazines spread out between the girls, and they played with their phones, too.

  ShawnNicole reached over Andrea to show Karmen a hairstyle. How they could see with just the light from the projection screen and a few posts around was beyond me, especially to have study-like focus.

  “You want something to eat or drink for the movie?” Ashton’s deep voice broke my attention. I shook my head, rejecting his offer that stung my skin. “Yirp, Alex!” he shouted over my head. Seconds later, a guy was at our shoulder, kneeling over.

  “Yeah, Spence?”

  Ashton pulled out his wallet and counted off a few bills. “Aivery, you want something to eat?”

  “Cheese pizza and Canada Dry.” Aivery’s head whipped away, going back down to her phone.

  “Get me popcorn and a Sprite,” Ashton requested. His eyes lifted to me. “What do you want?”

  I shook my head, declining again.

  The Alex guy snorted. “Pizza?”

  “Nah. She ain’t gone like that previously frozen shit,” Ashton mumbled, dismissing that idea with a quickness. “Get her popcorn, water, and Skittles.”

  Alex tossed me a look, asking for approval. I lifted one shoulder, wanting him to just go away. I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to be here. Relief washed over me when he finally left, jumping over legs to get out of the bed of blankets.

  “That’s what all you girls do?” Al asked me, tossing his chin to the other side of Ashton where the girls were still busy with their phones and magazines. “Or just girlie girls?”

  “What’re they doing?” I asked.

  “Y’all find y’all little outfits yet?” Al’s country accent cracked me up, even if I didn’t show it.

  “Shut up, Al!” Andrea rolled her eyes. “How about you focus on what you’re gonna wear in case you run into Brielle backstage.”

  “Brielle would throw the fuck up,” Aivery hissed, and the girls laughed.

  Al took it on the chin, shaking his head. “Y’all putting a lot into something so small. Just have fun with it. Wear something you can get drunk in, ‘cause that’s exactly what y’all gone do.”

  “Stop hating, Al!” ShawnNicole warned.

  “Tori…” He was even louder this time. “You ain’t answer. You do all this to get ready to go out?”

  “Only to get walked to the curb to take a poop?” Aivery asked.

  My head whipped over to her. As her friends—except ShawnNicole—laughed, she ignored their reactions and kept at her search.

  “Knock it off, Aiv,” Ashton mumbled, sitting back on his hands, face toward the movie screen.

  His scent annoyed me, reminding me of an inappropriate proximity to him I’ve had too many times.

  “You going to the concert, Tori?” ShawnNicole asked.

  “You know she’s not,” Karmen snorted.

  “You don’t know,” ShawnNicole snapped. Her eyes swung back to me as she leaned over her crossed legs to see me. “I’m asking because I’m almost booked for next Tuesday.”

  “Oh, shit!” Andrea’s eyes were wide as beach balls. “Are you going to the concert?”

  I only heard of this concert here a few seconds ago. Why did I feel pressured about going? And they weren’t inviting me to go with them. They were just being nosy to see just how poor I was. These stupid humans were different. The shit I saw in movies about snobs in school cliques was true. They were so superficial! Who cares about a concert—

  W
ait. Brielle?

  “Y’all wake me up when your high goes down,” Aivery coughed into her hands.

  Such a bitch…

  And just when I was about to say so, I caught the full lips of her boyfriend next to me, and my pussy literally pulsed. There was no way I could fight with her when I’d been kissing him. And liking it.

  “No.” Andrea looked puzzled. “Like…really?”

  Was she still asking if I was going?

  “Well, just let me know,” ShawnNicole rasped. “If you tell me what you’re wearing, I can do something that would work with it.” She winked before her attention dipped back down into the magazine on her lap.

  “So…” Andrea’s eyes squinted. “…you are going?”

  “The fuck, Andrea! Would you stop!” Aivery screamed on her friend. “You know the girl hardly got two pennies to rub together to afford ShawnNicole’s campus prices. What makes you think she can afford to go to a Brielle concert?”

  Among the snickers from Andrea and Karmen, ShawnNicole demanded, “Don’t do that, Aivery. Not that it’s your business, but Tori has an account with us. It’s never in the red or low. She has a nail allowance, too, just like you. So don’t go there.”

  That’s it. It was time for me to go. When my eyes met Ashton to tell him I was out, his said something different. Then his head dropped to one side.

  “Why do you always do this?”

  Offensiveness building in my chest, I asked, “What?”

  “Why do you keep mute about something so simple that could have avoided all this bullshit chatter?” My face went tight, hella confused. “Tori’s man is taking her to the concert.”

  Gasps ignited all around me. Even Al and the guys to the left of him reacted to that announcement.

  “See!” Andrea cried. “That’s what I meant. Her dude is a fucking baller! How do you think she’s still poor?”

  Still poor?

  “Shut the hell up, Andrea,” Aivery hissed.

  “Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!” Ashton demanded. “The movie’s about to start.”

  Sure enough, the random BSU logos popping up on the screen had ended and darkened, then the usual Paramount Pictures introduction rolled. Uncomfortable, I sat tightly, legs crossed, trying to slow the anger stirring in my belly. I was still deciding if I would stay.

  “Here ya go!” a loud whisper sounded over my shoulder. The guy, Alex, had returned with a tray of food. Ashton turned and plucked popcorn, a bag of Skittles, and a water bottle, handing them over to me. Then he took the whole tray from him and placed it on his lap. “And here’s your change.”

  Ashton’s hand went into the air. “Keep it.”

  I turned my attention back to the screen when Ashton began speaking to Aivery about her pizza. Ashton lied to these people, which meant I was forced to lie again, too. I didn’t want to do the whole fake boyfriend thing again. It was exhausting. But this crew. They made me fight for my pride. Their stuckupness was hard to ignore. How was this going to work? Just when I thought I’d struggle with needing to leave, my attention got lost in the movie. Africa. I always wanted to visit there. People said it wasn’t as wild and uncivil as seen in movies and pictures. And these Africans were rich.

  How familiar…

  Suddenly, I couldn’t remember if I’d seen this old movie before.

  I had to—

  A big, hot hand covered mine. I didn’t realize, I’d stretched back, sitting on my hands like Ashton earlier. It was him. His face to the screen, but I caught his eyes rolling over to me. I whipped my head back ahead. Why did heat flash through my whole body at that simple touch?

  This was messed up.

  And I…liked it.

  But I’m not a whore…

  After the movie, I was tired by the time I made it back to my dorm building. Samantha went over to her friends’ dorm to hang out, so I walked by myself. But so many people were out, leaving the lawn movie, so I wasn’t exactly alone. Still, my eyes were heavy and the thought of my bed was more appealing than it had been since my last fight.

  The movie was good and after the first twenty minutes or so, I realized I’d never seen it. But I also realized Prince Akeem’s character’s privilege reminded me of a certain Panthers QB. The difference between the two guys was that the prince was a romantic. Spencer was a bully human. A moody, controlling one.

  “Hey, McNabb,” the security guy called me as I passed the booth for the elevators. “You’ve got a package.”

  Another one?

  My mother finally sent something!

  When he handed me an envelope, my heart roared with excitement. But when I saw a large box with the huge Tessie’s logo, I knew the sender of at least that. The ride up to my floor was long. Why hadn’t my mother called to say she was sending something? Or was it Cut? Did Ragee talk him into sending me money? Would I be happy?

  The walk to my room seemed even longer, but as soon as I kicked the door closed, I dropped the box on my desk and ripped the envelope open. It was about more than money. I needed to feel like someone cared for me. I needed the connection to something. Somebody.

  But… Inside was a sleeve type of folder with a company logo on it. Something I didn’t recognize. Then I pulled out perforated stationery. It was a ticket. Brielle’s name was large on it. There were numbers and letters I didn’t understand until it dawned on me. It was a ticket to her concert next week. And not just next week; the show was four days away. The ticket was over four hundred dollars. Processing that made my pulse race. So, next Tuesday, I’d be going to see Brielle then the next day flying out to Jersey with Ashton Spencer?

  My eyes went to the Tessie’s box. This was Ashton. It was all Ashton! And that pissed me off. He’d paid for my tickets for home and back next Wednesday, and I could understand his pride at play seeing I used my allowance to go to his cousin’s funeral. But this was entirely different. A Brielle concert? What kind of game was he playing here? He had a girlfriend! I saw it tonight. I was there when suddenly her head dropped to his lap as the movie played and she made herself comfortable there. So relaxed that when she began to rub his thigh, he softly pushed her hand away. Ashton’s wide eyes rolled over to me while he faced the screen. He looked afraid, or something. Definitely uneasy about her simple affection. His uncomfortableness made my nipples sting, and that infuriated me.

  I’d never had such strong reactions to another human. No one had done much besides made my heart race from anger and me about to knock them the fuck out—girl or guy. These things my body did… The way I responded to this Ashton guy was dangerous. I sucked his dick! When had I been about that life?

  Nah…

  This had to stop. And I would tell him.

  Chapter Three

  -THEN-

  “Go, Aiv! Go, Aiv!” The girls shouted, gassing Aivery as she dry-humped my leg. My attention was hardly on the catsuit, Giuseppe-heel-wearing vixen grinding on my entire leg as I gazed out into the stadium. The suite was nice, spacious, and exclusive. Too damn exclusive. The blasting music made the place seem smaller than it really was. With over fifteen thousand people in the building, bodies resembled ants from up here.

  “Sheeeit!” Aivery yelped, almost falling on her ass.

  I caught and helped her to her high-heeled feet. “I think you had too many on the way here.”

  A devilish smile crept onto her face as she circled my cheek with her index finger. “I haven’t had any in way too long, stunner,” she growled, managing a slow wink.

  Her girls laughed with her while Dre and Al laughed at her. Ne-Yo had just finished his set and Brielle was up next to headline.

  “Have a seat.” I walked her to one of the rear seats facing the stage. “Karm.” I tossed my chin across the room to the bucket filled with ice and drinks on the counter. “Get her some water.”

  Leaving Aivery there, I moved inside the suite to toss my empty cup. I was restless. Anxious.

  Al approached me with his palm in the air. “This shit is lit, my nigga,” h
e shrieked. “The homie came through!” I matched his dap.

  “Word,” Dre followed up, coming our way. “One of these bitches waking up sore in the morning.” He was plotting.

  Like I am…

  Only Dre was able to contain his desires. Mine had me ready to jump from the balcony of the suite in search of her. I told myself to be patient, but it was damn hard. Was she okay down there alone? I was in a suite with eight of my friends, but my mind was down below, on the floor.

  “You sure the picture in that email was Brielle’s song list for tonight?” I asked Al.

  “Yup.” He tossed his thumb my way, being an ass. “My cousin who went to the show in Dallas, my aunt who went to the one in Miami, and my god brother who went to the New York stop gave the same list.”

  “This shit ‘bout to blow!” Dre slapped my shoulders as he leaped in the air behind me then skipped to a seat to watch.

  Al laughed, turning to go himself.

  “I’m gonna take a leak and’ll be over there,” I called behind me, going in the opposite direction.

  And that’s what I did. I went inside the in-suite bathroom to handle my business. When I came out, I pulled the folded paper from my pocket and opened it. Brielle was starting her first song, “Lifted.” I had a few more to go before playing Houdini. With a long huff, I dragged myself to the empty seat next to a swaying Aivery.

  Ne-Yo’s performance was cool…

  I couldn’t believe all the songs he sang were his. Had to give it to him, though; he was talented. His voice wasn’t all that strong, but it sounded like his recordings—the tracks I was familiar with, at least. He danced a lot, but was no Chris Brown. I laughed to myself at that fact. Ne-Yo’s confidence was on one thousand up there. I wished I could be so bold, even if I wasn’t great.

  I lowered myself into my seat when a couple of girls neared me to leave the row for the aisle. This area was packed. I’d never been in a venue like this and couldn’t believe how close to the stage I was. I mean, if I was crazy, I could run up and jump onto the stage before anyone stopped me. I threw an air combo jab, thinking maybe one day I’d be fighting in a place this size.