Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  “Because…” I hesitated. “…of what happened to you?”

  “Because he was one that did it to me.”

  My eyes burst wide, anger flashed in my chest. “He’s staying there?”

  She tried nodding. “Kinda. He’s married…with kids in the same park.”

  Park. Trailer park.

  I had to ask neighbors where her aunt, Sonya, lived to find her in that trailer park earlier.

  “Did he…hurt you?”

  I could hardly hear her, “No. He never showed.” She swallowed. “But I didn’t like staying there. I slept sitting up in the living room by the door in case…”

  I sat up on my elbow, a tendril of fury winding down my spine. “You think he’d still…”

  With downcast eyes, she muttered, “I’d kill him.”

  Tori didn’t sound so convincing to me. Tough girl? Yeah. But fearful. I felt murderous, protective like no other time in my life—and I was pretty fucking defensive of my younger cousins. I pulled Tori’s weighty body over to me, feeling her resisting, but not a lot. Hooking her around the waist, I had her turn over and pulled her into my arms to hold her tight. Her body trembled intermittently, but she didn’t cry. And my arm went dead from my grip on her, but I didn’t ease up until the shudders slowed then stopped, and I eventually disappeared into repose.

  I ducked and moved, but just enough to lessen the impact; not fast enough to avoid the blow to my ribs. Then there was another. Then another. I dipped back and pivoted out of her reach. The sound from the sixty or so people in the empty gym played in the background.

  “The fuck’re you doing, Tori!” Luke barked into the ring.

  “Come the hell on, McNabb!” Trisha had her own complaining to do.

  I danced, face to face with Renee “The Lion” Rodriguez. She winked, a soft smile forming over her mouthguard. Did she think she was defeating me? I danced more, tossing her quick but light jabs just to fuck with her. Her grin disappeared as the bell rang. After watching her turn and walk off, I took to my corner.

  “What the fuck is going on in there?” Luke yelled in my ear as my mouthpiece was pulled out. I was fed water. “Why are we still here? Why aren’t we in the dressing room, packing the fuck up from the TKO you delivered on that bitch?”

  “Are you serious tonight?” Trisha followed up with.

  Trying to focus on my breathing, I sat motionless.

  “She’s tryna work on your core.” He motioned jabs to my sides. “Don’t let her get that. She ain’t even a good fighter! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  He was angry. Big angry… I didn’t realize I was losing. Matter of fact, I had been easy in this fight. I was trying to go for a mile and not just putting her on her ass.

  “You’re not here!” Trisha shouted in my face. “We’re in the third round. This is not Tori “The Banger” McNabb!”

  Dabbing my face with a cool, wet towel, Luke barked, “We coulda stayed back on campus and let you fly out here by yourself for this shit you putting up.”

  That’s when I realized they were right. I hadn’t applied the plan. But I also hadn’t realized the slip in time. Where had my head been? What had I been thinking about?

  Ashton…

  I couldn’t help but wonder if he had been here, somewhere in the back of the gym where they didn’t care to put on the lights because the chairs were empty. He said he’d been to a few of my practices when no one knew. How had he managed to fly out to the Minnesota fight? That wasn’t local at all—

  A crisp memory hit me.

  “And not to mention, he flew out of town the other day, cutting his phone off. I didn’t hear from him for close to eighteen hours. His only explanation was ‘Panthers business.’ Like…what does that even mean? You hop on a plane and disappear when you want?”

  Aivery in the bathroom at Verti with Karmen last month. That was days after my fight with Walsh. That had to be why he went missing for those eighteen hours. Who does that? What guy dipped out on his girlfriend for a girl he wasn’t cheating with? That was an expensive level of weird human behavior. Then again, I learned last week, over the quick trip home for Thanksgiving, he wasn’t the average guy. He had money. What kind, I didn’t know, but it was more than him buying me clothes all semester long let on to.

  Speaking of that time last week… I felt…different. Yes, I was still a virgin, but my femininity didn’t feel invisible anymore.

  The bell tolled and without command, my body moved to stand. I caught the plastic straw as I did and received my mouthguard. After rolling my head and shoulders to loosen up, I met her in the middle of the ring. Rodriguez came my way fast and head-first. I stepped and shoulder-rolled, eluding her right. But her left met my right side and I finally felt the efforts of her earlier blows. That pissed me the hell off. I moved away just enough to put the power I needed in my back leg to pivot on my foot, and twisted my hips, hooking her ass hard enough in the jaw to take her down. Rodriguez dropped like a bag of oranges. When her head hit the floor and bounced, her mouthguard popped out.

  I watched her as the ref declared her defeat. Seconds later, I felt familiar pounding on my shoulders and head.

  “What the fuck took you so long, girl?” Luke shouted at me, this time happy. While a crowd formed inside the ring, my attention was outside, in the darkest of corners, looking for him.

  The plane was quiet. There weren’t many on this flight, and my team sat between the same two rows. I had the window seat, although it was pitch black out. I was dozing off, finally feeling the painkillers kick in. I waited until boarding to take them, wanting to sleep the flight off. The whole ride here right after showering and the post-fight meeting, I’d been beating myself up for stalling on Rodriguez. My head hadn’t been in the game, and losing to an inferior fighter would have taken us off the course the BSU team charted for me.

  I had so much school work waiting on me back on campus. As soon as we returned from Thanksgiving break, I went straight into training for this fight, and Ashton did the same for an upcoming game. I hadn’t seen him much since our flight back. At most, we ran into each other on the athletic campus in the gym. Oh. And that one time I went to the cafe to pick up dinner after working out and I saw him and Aivery hugged up at the cool kids’ table. I didn’t know if Ashton saw me or not; I didn’t look their way long enough to know.

  And right now, I didn’t want to think about them either. I was still confused by what happened that night in his room. Confused about what it meant for us and me as a…girl, woman, or whatever. I just felt different, even though I couldn’t understand why.

  Sleep…

  Right now, as the pain dulled, I could finally sleep. I lowered my skully on my face and closed my eyes. The minute I stopped chewing the gum I popped in for takeoff, I knew it was a wrap.

  “The Panthers won against Howard last night.”

  “Yeah, I heard.”

  “They’re doing extremely well.”

  “Well, Spencer is the best QB we’ve had in years. I have to give it to the kid, he takes instruction well, knows the game—”

  “And commands the respect of his team. They all trust him.”

  “Yup. The kid will go far.”

  “You know he’s entering the draft in the spring, right?”

  “Yes. All of his trainers are lined up for him—hiring pros.”

  “Shit. Life’s really going to change for him.”

  “Sure is. No more small campus popularity. He’s starting back at zero in the ego department.”

  Snickers.

  “And that poor Aivery Cooper.”

  More snickering.

  “She’s gonna have more than NormaJean to reckon with when those groupies start descending from all over the damn globe.”

  “Yup. And that’s when these kids get to live in the real world, where love and relationships aren’t conveniently harvested on a cozy, elite HBCU campus.”

  I didn’t sleep the entire flight back to school.

/>   I rubbed the blur from my eyes. Staring at algebra equations for chemistry shit could cross them for you. That and being tired as hell from a long flight last night and having to get up early this morning for class. Sitting with my legs crossed underneath me and papers all around, I tried stretching my arms in the air and winced when a flash of pain from both sides struck. I still couldn’t believe I missed those jabs Rodriquez was setting me up with.

  Samantha walking out of the bathroom wearing a long face stole my attention. I giggled.

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Yeah. Just wait till you get a job you hate.”

  That slapped the smile off my face. “Yeah. I’ll hate anything in the j-o-b category.” I nodded. “But you’re off tomorrow and the day after, though.”

  “Both of which days, I plan to sleep my ass off.”

  “I ‘on’t think Dre’ll like that.”

  She blushed. Like…literally blushed. I knew what blushing looked like, and even with Samantha being mixed, she could still blush.

  Rolling her eyes again, she slammed herself onto her bed across from mine. “You think he really likes me?”

  “Didn’t he tell you he did?”

  “Yeah, but how many of ‘me’ are there.” She groaned, leaning back. “I don’t know which is more frustrating in the moment: going to work or wondering if I should go there with him.”

  My head bounced back. “Is that something you want to do?” She nodded, staring up at the ceiling. I shrugged. “Then do it.”

  “I don’t want to ‘do it’ with just anybody. I’ve only wanted to have sex with guys who were my boyfriend.”

  My eyes opened wide. “You want to be Dre Erickson’s girlfriend?”

  Samantha sat up and screeched, “Not exactly.”

  I sighed of relief internally. That was a tall order. Dre may not have been as popular as Ashton, but as one of his best friends, and being single and willing, so many girls were at his feet. For some guys, it was a matter of availability. I wish Ashton being single was my problem.

  Had I thought that?

  “Then what do you want?”

  “I want to have fun, but don’t want to get hurt doing it.” She shoved her arms into the air. “I don’t want to share him, no. But I don’t want to worry about looking like a fool. Look at Ashton and Aivery! He’s committed to that snobbish bitch, although he could have any girl on this campus.” She pointed to me. “Shit. He even tutors and works out with you and stays faithful.”

  “Maybe I’m not his type,” rushed from my lips.

  Lies are that easy. But was it a lie? Ashton had made that wild confession and did all those…nasty things with me on Thanksgiving, but was still with Aivery. The crazy thing was, I was cool with that. I didn’t want to be my mother. I didn’t want to be the cause of a breakup.

  Even if it included the only guy who made me feel like a…female. Like a desired woman.

  “That’s not the point. Guys can be such dogs that you don’t have to be their type. All you need is an orifice for sex, and the last time I checked, you had three.” My mouth balled as I did the math mentally. Samantha stood. “All I’m saying is these people live on different planets because of their wealth. Al took a picture with his older brother and the Al Jarreau over Thanksgiving break. The Al Jarreau.” Her arms shot in the air again. “The brothers were named after him! I had to sit through English Lit listening to Aivery tell her friends in front of me how she helped her mom pick the winter rental home they’ll be staying in over the winter break…in Paris! Friggin’ Neuilly-sur-Seine!” She nodded with wide eyes.

  “Yeah.” I laughed. “But you’re not exactly poor either. Your father’s a chemist for a top pharmaceutical company.”

  “But he doesn’t own Semiest. He’s just worked for them for a bazillion years and bosses people around.”

  “Not everyone’s father is an owner. What about Andrea?”

  “Her mother’s family is steeped in winemaking in Sonoma County, California! Her father married into millions.” My jaw fell. “And ShawnNicole’s father’s flying her out to California to meet with some world-class hairstylist for a week-long shadow session. ESPN just gave him his own show. Dre’s father was honored by the governor of New Jersey the Saturday after Thanksgiving and then preached at T.D. Jakes’ church that following Sunday!”

  Ashton told me about Dre and Aivery’s fathers, but I didn’t know about the others. There was just one person I truly cared to know about.

  “What about Ashton? What did he do for Thanksgiving?” I chuckled, collecting the papers from around me.

  “Probably testing burger sauce or some weird shit,” she groaned, and I felt the roll of the eye in her tone, even though my attention was below.

  My head tossed back as I hollered. “What?”

  Samantha shrugged as half her face lifted in a grin. “I don’t know what he did, but I do know the bastard doesn’t have to work a day in his life.” She reached down to pull on her shoes.

  “What do you mean?” Nothing was funny anymore.

  Her head lifted. “B-Way Burger.”

  “What about it?”

  “Ashton’s father was one of the founding owners.”

  “Was?” Holy shi— “He’s dead?”

  That explained why his father didn’t spend Thanksgiving with Ms. Wanda. Ashton looked like the type of dude that came from a two-parent home. It fit him.

  “Yeah.” Her face tightened as she struggled getting one shoe on. “Ashton’s one of the owners now.”

  A chill ran down my spine as I pulled in air. My eyes shot over to the flowers, the Giuseppe boxes, Jimmy Choo boxes, the Tiffany and Nike boxes. Then they brushed over the closet that couldn’t close because of being stocked.

  “Oh, no.” Samantha’s sudden movement caught my attention. “Your secret admirer may have money, but Ashton has bank. He could send you that shit every day and his account wouldn’t feel it.” My heart slammed in my damn chest.

  No. Not Ashton. I’d been spending too much time with him. Had even shared a piece of my life most didn’t know about. But he never mentioned his business. His money. How he was able to buy his mother a brand new Benz.

  There was a knock on the door. Samantha grabbed her jacket and book bag on the way to answer it.

  “Shit!” she mumbled. When she moved aside, Ashton’s tall frame came into view from where I sat on the bed. He stepped in with a hoodie draped over his head, a file folder tucked under his arm, his hands inside the pouch of his sweatshirt, and shower shoes. “You’re like magic, I see.” She looked my way. “See ya in the morning, basically.”

  I gave her a sad smile. “Yeah. Because I’ll be knocked out by the time you get in.”

  “Either that, or have snuck out again with your ghost of a secret lover.” She left and closed the door behind her, missing the dry chuckle I gave.

  My eyes went straight to Ashton. He walked over to my desk and tossed the file.

  “What’s this?” I asked as he opened it.

  “The outline for your upcoming writing paper and your next Chem exam.” His voice was deep. Empty.

  I blinked hard. He had those? “But I haven’t decided on a topic for the paper.”

  “I did, for you.” His attention was on the roses. “You can easily write around my bullet points. Get it back over to me for editing and you’ll be good.”

  I grabbed the folder. The Chem test looked like everything my class went over this last period, and the paper was formatted like the last test.

  “Where did you get this from?”

  “An old file. It’s been passed around for years.”

  “So she doesn’t change them?”

  He shook his head. “No one’s managed to get the others. Bacote is so old, she has no desire to change shit. She’ll be retiring in January.”

  This was too much. A test and an outline were just what the doctor ordered. I’d just begun to feel overwhelmed by school and boxing before flying out to the fight a couple
of days ago. And once again, Ashton was here, holding me down like he wanted me to win.

  “Look, Ashton,” I turned to face him. “I don’t know how to say—”

  He grabbed me at the sides of my face and brought his face to mine until his lips were on me and my braless tits were against his chest. His tongue pushed into my mouth and, once again, it took a few seconds for my brain to kick in. He tasted like chocolate frosting. When I did think to kiss him, he backed me to my bed. That was a good thing. My knees went weak again and I needed the help.

  His hand pushed to the back of my head, pulling the scrunchie from my ponytail. Right away, my scalp felt a sense of relief I didn’t know I needed. He lifted until his fingers gripped my scalp in a massage as his tongue took dives in my mouth. My arms felt heavy and fell to my sides after slipping from his hard biceps. In spite of the pain from those areas, it felt like he was fucking my mouth…in a good way. In a way that made me wonder what it would be like to have him do it other places.

  When he pulled back, Ashton caught my bottom lip and nibbled on it. His eyes were heavy and studying me as we tried catching our breaths.

  “I’ve missed you,” rumbled deeply from his gut.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “For what?”

  Yeah. For what?

  “I mean…” I licked my lips, not able to back away from his heated, hard body. And as always, Ashton smelled like the devil serving up the juiciest apple. “We were both training.” My eyes fell to his chest. “You had your game and I had a fight.”

  “And you didn’t want to chill in between.”

  Seemed like he was accusing me of something.

  My forehead stretched. “Did you want to chill with me?”

  “Terribly.” He thrust into me, making me feel more than I bargained for. My stomach contracted and we were separated by inches. Ashton jumped back. “Fuck, Tori!” he whispered, nose widening, eyes closing. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I forgot…”