Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  “Where did we drop the ball, son?” Jones asked in earnest. He’d always been an upstanding guy. It fucked with me to feel his disappointment. “We’ve met regularly to be sure you were armed with all the resources needed to get you to the end of the Blakewood tunnel.”

  “I know, sir.” I gave a nod of humility. “It’s just been one hell of a semester with stunning responsibilities. I’ve done more traveling for BSU obligations outside of playing. Like you warned earlier on, I shouldn’t have taken on the academic aide course—”

  “Bullshit, Spence!” Lenny shouted. “You know how this works, and so do we. You think you’re the only high profiled athlete we’ve rallied behind here? It’s our specialty at BSU. It’s what sets us apart. I’ve worked with kids that barely had a quarter of your academic capacity. It’s mightily insulting that you sit here and only say sorry—”

  He was interrupted by Corey, Jones’ assistant, scurrying into the room.

  “What’s the word?” Jones asked.

  “Vestor’s office is only offering two days to submit the paper. At best, he’ll receive an incomplete for the course this semester until it’s completed!” he panted, out of breath.

  “Damn it!” Jones grunted and my pulse hiked.

  “Look,” I offered. “This isn’t even a setback, to be real. It’s a minor dilemma that can be resolved rather simply.”

  “And how’s that, son? You’re supposed to start training for the Combine in a few weeks!” Jones’ hands were outstretched.

  “And I can still do that.”

  “How?” Lenny, more animated than I’d ever seen him, shouted.

  “I can come back to BSU in the spring and—” Lenny sucked in a breath of amazed disgust. “bring trainers out this way to get ready.”

  After long seconds of silence, Jones admitted, “That may be plausible.”

  Lenny snatched his body away from the table and paced to the other side of the room. “This is bullshit.”

  “I think if this can be worked out with a training company, it could work,” Jones shared. “Is it ideal, no. There’s a considerable cost associated with getting that resource out here.”

  “It’ll work. I’ll pay for it. And keep in mind, I’ve done less than four years at this institution, and opted to get my degree when most athletes with League ambition leave before graduating. If I were an average Joe, this wouldn’t be a big deal. You’d be rallying behind him to make it work.”

  “Your pompous ass don’t get it,” Lenny spat through gritted teeth. The average Joe can’t cavalierly dismiss his plans to graduate early with a degree from one of the most prestigious academic institutions on this damn planet, just to say I can afford it. The average Joe ain’t got it like that. The average Joe can’t perform as well as you academically either. The average Joe would be fucked over by the simplest setback on the road to the League.” He scoffed, shaking his head. “Oh, be careful, Spence. Your privilege card is being touted here.”

  I’d never been spoken to with the level of disdain that Lenny was giving off now. He was pissed. Royally disrupted.

  Jones’ hands pumped in the air, signaling the energy to calm down. “We have a blunder on our hands. We’re still a team. Let’s figure it out with civility.” He rubbed his head, appearing wearied by the matter. “You’ve fulfilled your season obligations with the BSU Panthers. When does your contract begin with Tamir Cook?”

  Cook was the sports agent for the firm whose representation I was due to assume after playing my last game here at Blakewood. This was supposed to be my transition period.

  “Officially, January first,” I mumbled.

  “Let’s see what we can get in place for your extended time here. And we can possibly see what Cook can do to get your trainers here, too. With concrete scheduling, you can use the sports complex to get you Combine ready.”

  Just when my body began to calm, Lenny objected. “I hate to beat a dead horse here, and Spence, you know you’re like family to me. I would be remiss if I didn’t hold you accountable for your mishap?” I took a deep breath, wanting so bad to roll my fucking eyes. Yes, I was dead ass wrong, but being held to the fire was a bitch. “What the fuck were you thinking, young man?”

  As if on cue, an oblivious Tori sauntered past the conference room with Collin. Both eyes large and chary when they recognized me at the table.

  “Ah, man, bro. I thought this was gonna be a different type of goodbye.” Stephan smiled with lazy eyes, he was so smashed. He’d been partying for the past two days. I didn’t think he slept last night. “This was supposed to be a parting where I said see you in a few months and remind you not to forget my season tickets.”

  I twisted my neck, confused as we stood at the front door of our apartment. Stephan was out in the hall, his hand clasped around the strap of his book bag. It was a good thing he had car service to the airport. Dude had no business driving in this condition. Nonetheless, this dude was one pleasant energy I didn’t mind being around another semester.

  “But you’re a Raiders fan. We don’t know who’ll draft me.”

  “My man.” He stabbed me in my chest with his index finger. “My next favorite team will be whoever’s smart enough to give you a damn jersey. You’re nice with it, my brother.”

  My palm went to my chest. “I felt that, man.”

  “You’re one of them cats that my father says is a key for many locks. You’re a fucking talent in so many ways, bro. I don’t know how you fucked up the paper. You’ve bailed me out of so many of those shits and exams, I can never repay you. What happened, dude?”

  I was so fucking sick of that question already. It wasn’t as big of a deal as it seemed to be for everyone around me. And it wasn’t that many times I’d looked out for him. I understood how demanding his course load became when he started picking up field work last spring. So I helped him out a couple of times with his basic courses because I knew shit about marine geology.

  I shook my head. “Ain’t no thing. You go on ahead and enjoy your holiday with the fam. You said y’all headed to Linai?”

  “Maui. My dad and I are tired of Hawaii for Christmas, so we get to pick for next year.”

  I lifted my hand for dap. “Well, enjoy and be safe, my bruva.”

  “You, too, man.” We embraced. “See you next month.”

  I waited for him to make it to the elevator before closing the door. Then I turned to my fish, some swimming and some sleeping peacefully, but all insensible to the chaos happening right now. Stephan was going to pack them up for me to travel back home with, but they’d been spared the inconvenience. I hadn’t. I spent last week, since my fight with Tori about her judgmental ass roommate, packing up my apartment. And since my meeting with A.D. Jones and Lenny, I’d been unpacking shit.

  At some point tonight, I needed to unpack enough of my clothes to pack luggage for my Christmas break. My goal was to finish the whole apartment, rehanging pictures and putting dishes back in the cabinets. I didn’t want to come back in January to boxes everywhere. My mind would need to be right for training.

  Knocking at the door followed by erratic bell rings broke my reverie. Stephan must have been that blotto to have not used his key. My head jerked back slightly when a leggy tomboy with tights, DPM Jordans 6’s, and a Panthers hoodie stood at my door holding a box of pizza from Verti. She was a call I’d been meaning to make for the past two days, but between her obligatory BSU travel with her team and me coming to terms with my decision, I hadn’t been able to. As much as I was happy to see her and needed to talk, I wasn’t in the mood for questions about my incomplete status.

  I leaned into the doorjamb. “This pity pizza?” I asked, masking my excitement, but exuding my irritated mood.

  Tori eyed the box. “Nah. It’s ‘My ass is starving, so I’m willing to share with a grouchy human Margherita pizza’ pizza.” She looked me up and down. “I don’t do pity. That’s something you should know about me by now.”

  “Then what do you do?”
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  “Margherita pizzas and sad quarterbacks, maybe.”

  I moved aside into the hall to invite her inside.

  She tossed her head back and laughed with a half-eaten slice of pizza in her hand. Damn, Tori was cute on a normal day, but she was fucking gorgeous when carefree and silly.

  “I’m serious, man.” I sighed. “My grandmother was dead ass. And dude was really praying over the phone, talking ‘bout, ‘Lead him not into temptation, lawd. We know by your power we can overcome any temptation, and that includes laziness and peer-pressure.’ I could not believe my grandmother had this old man wasting his breath on little ol’ me, man.”

  Tori teetered her ass off. “She was worse than your mother!”

  “Yeah, but possibly because when my mother got the news, she was just out of cell range. The call kept breaking up every time she yelled, ‘muthafucka!’ I was relieved when that shit cut off and never came back through.”

  “You’re not off the hook, though. Wait till she comes off her cruise,” she warned.

  “You damn right!”

  Trying to slow her laughter, Tori took a deep breath while tossing the half-eaten slice back into the box. “Man, shit happens to the best of us. Ain’t nobody perfect, even when we are.” She winked, going for her cup. “What’s A.D. Jones saying?”

  “That was probably the hardest talk to sit through. Jones is a solid dude. Powerfully conservative. A Christian man who don’t wild out like the coaches and trainers, but he expects them to so he can play good cop. It’s a formula he’s set up with his staff.”

  “Was he the good cop?”

  I blew out a breath, shaking my head. “There was damn sure a bad cop in the room earlier when they confronted me. But Jones was like the disappointed dad. That shit’s still fuckin’ with me.” I shrugged it off, not wanting to dwell on it.

  “I heard he really rides for you.”

  I nodded. “Hard.”

  “Yeah, but he knows you’re solid, too. You’re good, Spence. I can help you out with whatever you need for the paper. I know I ain’t as sharp as you are, but I’ve learned a few things this semester.”

  Not about punctuations, though…

  I hadn’t seen Tori since the morning after our fight last week because of both our crazy schedules, but we’d BBM’d a few times. She hit me up saying she received an A-minus on her final writing paper, and a B on her final Start to BSU Life paper. The irony in it was Start to BSU Life class was the precursor for the Independent Study course that had cost me winter graduation. Her paper length requirement wasn’t nearly as much as mine, neither was it as in-depth as mine, but there was no getting around it, which was the same in my situation.

  “What were you doing before devouring damn near my whole pie?” Tori asked, tossing her chin to the living room crowded with boxes.

  I turned back to her. “Unpacking. Some shit I don’t wanna have to do when I get back next month. I doubt if I’ll even have the time to.”

  Tori shrugged. “Let me help you.” She stood and stretched her arms in the air, exposing the flesh of her belly. So fucking much had occurred in the past six days, and much of it concerned her. But I couldn’t begin to explain. I’d been wanting to talk with her for days, and time had been running out.

  “Hey, man.” I couldn’t even look her in the face. I felt too raw from the resounding consequences of my fuck up, now this. “I want to apologize for being a dick about your fight with Samantha. I should have been more sensitive to how her questions made you feel.”

  In true Tori McNabb fashion, she shrugged, pulling dishes out of a box. “It’s all good. I lied to her some more, and…” She shrugged again. “we’re good.”

  “She leave for break yet?”

  “This morning.”

  “So, you’ve got your dorm room to yourself again?”

  “I can walk around butt ass naked, eating Skittles and Margherita pizza all day and night.”

  Her fake smile made me laugh. “That’s the plan?”

  She shrugged. “The best part is not seeing your snobby friends for almost a month. I start training again after the New Year. Back to crappy dieting and lab ratting—oh, look!” She held the napkins in the air. “Cloth napkins for the Prince of Zamunda.”

  When Tori began barking and hopping on one leg, I threw a pizza crust at her.

  A mixture of heat and hard flesh had my eyes blinking open. A shard of light shining through the curtain from outside exposed Ashton’s chocolate eyes. They were low and his forehead was tight. But because of how close he was to me, I knew he wasn’t exactly angry.

  Shit…

  I’d fallen asleep here, I suddenly remembered. Once again, I’d fucked up. It had been five nights since I’d last stayed. After the fight Ashton and I had about Samantha, I told myself no more. I felt I’d been helpless to wanting to be with him. I’d become one of those girls. I lost control so soon after meeting Ashton Spencer. And after giving him my virginity, I lost my damn mind. Okay, I was now convinced that he and Aivery were broken up, but not that it was forever. I couldn’t explain my gut-feeling, but it was strong and scary as hell. And no matter their status, in my mind, he was hers. And I was the whore. The BSU whore.

  So, I decided to stop. Two days after my fight with Ashton, DJ Paulie asked me out to lunch at the main cafeteria. I was cool with it because like him, I had a meal plan, preventing him from paying for my food. The biggest deal for me was to be seen with someone not as popular as Ashton, and a guy who hadn’t been attached to Aivery Cooper, the most popular girl on campus. It was perfect. I laughed at his corny ass jokes, and not because they were funny, but because they were so ridiculous and Paulie was trying to impress me. That meant a lot.

  Right after that, I had loads of lunches, brunches, and dinners with important people who, apparently, donated money to Blakewood’s boxing program. And because I was the latest addition to the school’s athletic program, I had to impress them with my semester-record and personality. Yeah. What a joke. I had zero fucking personality. But I danced as best I could in between studying for and taking finals. It was my obligation. I studied in cars and even on a plane once. But it was perfect because it made me temporarily forget these chocolate, hypnotizing pools staring down on me now.

  He leaned down to kiss me, taking my breath away. As though programmed, I kissed him back right away. Ashton pulled back to stare at me, the crease still between his brows.

  “You never asked me why I fumbled on the paper.” His voice was so low, it sounded like a whisper.

  “Because you’re bigger than that stupid paper. You’re a genius,” I whispered back.

  Ashton’s head dipped down again, darkening everything around me again. When his tongue slipped into my mouth, a low, unexpected moan left my chest. A fire set off in my body, spreading from my belly, all the way out to my fingers and toes. I reached for him, my boldest move yet, I wanted his touch so much. I missed him that badly.

  Then we were wild. Touching, squeezing, licking, sucking. My panties were off, shirt pushed up to my shoulders as he nibbled on my nipple. One of my thighs lifted over his hard dick, wanting to feel friction between my legs. Smoothly, he pulled me on top of him. My hand went in search of his cock beneath his boxers. Greedily, I pushed them down, over his hips. I could feel Ashton shuffle them down his legs as I rubbed his throbbing dick between my pussy lips. His mouth was all over my breasts, his one hand gripping my ass.

  In no time, I had a rhythm, my body shaking from pleasure, his dick soaked from it, too. Then I felt his hand reach between us, grabbing the root of his dick. I felt its head at my opening, and then I was sinking down on him. It was a tight drop, but possible. I was so wet and he was so damn hard. No more rhythm, it was just me feeling him everywhere, remembering his size. The sounds he made on my tits turned me on and the feeling drove me crazy. I bounced and bounced, feeling every thick, pulsing inch of him.

  His breaths were rough and heavy, nothing I’d ever heard from him befor
e. But my own were crazy, too. All the senses on my body had…heightened. I felt super aware of how he smelled, the hungry licks of his tongue, the strong gripping of his hands on my hips to help me rock over him, the smooth dragging of my flesh over his. The pressure and pain combination had never been this good. Then my belly burst.

  “Uh!” pushed from my open mouth.

  “Shit!” Ashton’s back shot from the bed and he pulled me into a deep hug, plundering into me from beneath.

  His mouth was on my neck, kissing, licking, and whispering words I could hardly hear.

  “You…coming for me.”

  The ringing in my ears wouldn’t let me hear much else. My hips moved faster, shoulders stiffened. And then the feeling slowed and I was lost, trying to figure out what had happened—and how I could get it to happen again. I was out of breath and confused. I knew I came, but it was so different from all the other times.

  “Ashton…”

  “Orgasm.” He kissed the bottom of my neck, just above the bone. “You had an orgasm from inside your vagina instead of outside. And you’re so goddamn sexy when you’re coming. You’re like a blooming flower.”

  I was stuck again. No one had ever said nice things to me before, and nothing like that. To be honest, I didn’t know nice words could come from sex. This was all new to me.

  “Come home with me,” he whispered, lips pecked mine as he continued to roll my hips over his swollen dick.

  “When?”

  I was too lost in the moment to comprehend much.

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow? For Christmas break?” He nodded, the line appearing between his eyes again. “I don’t want to go home for break. You know what happened on Thanksgiving.”

  “I’m not offering you a trip home. Fuck Millville. I’m begging you to spend the break with me.”

  “The whole break?” This didn’t seem right. “I told you, I have to be back right after the New Year for training.”

  “So do I, now. We can come back together.”