“You should take it out for a stroll more often.”
“Sorry?”
“The smile, I mean the smile.” Oh mother, I'm dying of shame. My subconscious has betrayed me.
“Of course.”
We are already with the monosyllables again and I am left without conversation.
“You exist...” He whispers convinced.
“I don’t understand.”
“You don’t have to understand. Tell me some things, listening to you makes me forget.”
“Oblivion is a difficult medicine to have...” I answer with nostalgia.
“And I just tripped over it.”
We talked for two more hours. Reed was totally focused and I was happy to talk, but that's normal, what woman wouldn’t like to be the center of attention for a man like this?
My words sprout alone as if we’ve known each other all our lives. I told him details as if we were lifelong friends and Reed listened in fascination.
“... And then it's when you check that I'm not mute and run away, John said..” My words stop when I remember him.
“Do you miss him?”
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I get up in shame. “I have to go. It's too late.”
“Listening to you is good for me.”
What? What does that mean? I look at him while he also gets up. He is so handsome that my senses hurt for need. My body cries to feel alive and he seems to be my sun.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“My voice?”
“Did it happen before?”
“Never.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Me neither.”
His look is intense and my head is in a mess. It has never happened to me either. John was the most important man in my life but while with my husband everything was a dark nightmare, with Reed the air becomes clear. The heart whispers hopefully as the body claims something I don’t recognize. I want your caresses, I want your sex and I crave your body. I want it all at the same time and without waiting.
“I have to go...” I don’t want to but it's what I should do.
“I'll accompany you home.”
“Thanks but I have my car parked outside.”
“We’ll leave it in the museum's parking lot and I'll take you there.”
“And tomorrow I'm walking?” I smile out of pure nerves.
“I’m going to pass for you.”
“Reed... It's late. Thanks for dinner and for the conversation. I had a great time.”
I tried not to think about how close I have him. I have to go but my feet are stuck to the floor. His magnetism stops me. He is a dangerous man for my emotional balance but I can’t help it. I like him so much that my reasoning freezes. His body drives me crazy and his personality captivates me. They’re all bad combinations for a woman in need of emotional mastery.
I hug my bag tightly and turn to take flight.
I don’t look at him. No kiss goodbye, no touching of hands or insolent glances, or I will lose myself.
“Anne, wait...” His voice produces tremors and those very dangerous.
I’m dead meat. I won’t be able to deny myself. I'm not so strong.
Okay, if that's what you want I can’t resist a minute more. I’ll give you a kiss... It will be like a fleeting spring... Like a drop of rain in summer... I won’t delude myself like a fool in love. I look at him with confidence and roll my eyes. I'm here. You can kiss me. I won’t deny...
His hands hold me by the shoulders and I can feel an invisible current pass through my body. Yes, I want him. We want this kiss. My hands are hanging to the side waiting for the inevitable while my heart beats in front of an irremediable end. His glacial gaze softens when he looks at me. How handsome he is! Strong hands hold my shoulders possessively and my body trembles in anticipation. Yes, I am ready for you.
“Anne... Talking to you has been a discovery I never thought I would find. Thank you.”
Thanks and he let go. He let me go!
What? Thank you? How! What! No kisses? Thank you for speaking? But I'm an ass! I just looked like a damn idiot, again.
A friend! Fucking crap. He’s just looking for a friend to talk to. I’m an imbecile trembling for his dream body and he gives me thanks! What a fool. He has rejected me to my damn face and I’m like a desperate bimbo.
“Eh... It was nothing. I'm exhausted; we'll see each other.”
I leave in a hurry without looking back and with the small shred of dignity that still remains. Self-esteem runs desperate down the hall.
Did I really think he was interested in me? I run away as fast as my heels allow. I must leave before him. I need air. I’m dying of embarrassment! I followed every spicy joke thinking that... Oh mother! he just wanted to talk to a friend. I'm pathetic!
Car keys! I need them, please keychain; don’t disappear in my bag as you always do. I enter the vehicle as fast as I can and I start accelerating and without looking back. Celibate, impolite and winner as an imbecile, yes sir, that's me.
Nothing personal
I get up late on Saturday, a warm foam bath, a romantic movie, two cups of chocolate ice cream with cookies as a rejected woman turns out to be a complete success.
Those Arctic blue eyes and that deep voice must disappear from my blissful traitorous brain or I think I'm going to go crazy.
If I light a fire there’s the blue of his gaze. If I listen to the radio, his deep voice is humming Easy with Lionel Richie, and if I make a hot drink, in my steaming coffee his black strands appear tormenting me with his memory. This is turning out to be something very difficult to ignore. It’s Sunday and I have survived the denigrating day of yesterday, for which I am determined not to continue like this, I must raise my head and face my humiliating existence. Running and burning calories seems to be a good option.
I take my sunglasses off and I’ve got sweat on my nose after running my eight kilometers and trying to forget the terrible shame of the weeping woman. I’m walking distracted to the entrance of my new apartment when Aunt Elsa sees me head on.
“Chinese food,” she picks up the bag smiling, “and plastic covered forks if you haven’t had time to unpack.”
We both walk together to the first floor where I live. I'm happy for this surprise.
“What a surprise! Come in aunty. I'll be ready in just a minute. I’ll take a quick shower and we can eat together. I love it that you’re here!” I shout from the service.
“My luck. I didn’t want to bother you.”
“No bother! The microwave is already connected; it heats the food there. I'll be out in two minutes.”
I shower quickly and get dressed in a pair of shorts, a cotton sweatshirt and a pair of clean sports shoes. Aunt's Elsa’s visit is a touch of joy. There’s no one like her to heal a rejected heart.
When Jane and I became orphans, the misfortune and the absence of family forced us to live in an orphanage that I prefer not to remember. I lived the saddest years of my childhood in that institution to which no child should ever go.
Aunt Elsa has always been a rebellious spirit and happy to live life, and although my mother was a very different woman, that was no impediment for friendship to grow between them, even beyond life.
When Elsa returned to the city, after one of her many trips, they never separated from each other. My father used to joke and say that he was a bigamist because he had to endure two wives at home, but they used to ignore his taunts and continue with their great stories of pasta with tea.
I still remember one of Aunt Elsa's many visits. She commented to us on her trip to Brazil and marveled us with her stories about some beautiful young people dancing to the beat of samba, imposing jungles with very rare animals, and delicious chocolates on the white sands of Rio de Janeiro. It was not until many years later that I understood what kind of chocolates Aunt Elsa was referring to, and why they didn’t melt with the strong tropical sun.
Jane and I sat
on the couch very quietly so as to not interrupt while the friends laughed heartily. The four of us were so happy that it was hard to understand why a drunk on the road decided to take away what we most loved.
Elsa was on one of her many trips when the unfortunate accident occurred. When she returned, she looked for us in every corner of the country and although it was a lost cause, she never ceased her efforts. After much effort and a significant amount of money, she found our whereabouts but the authorities denied her our custody. An irresponsible spinster is neither suitable nor qualified for the upbringing of two little ones. Those were the exact words in the written resolution of the social worker. What did she know of what we needed, that sad employee of a dark office. We were just two little girls, who from one day to the next, were left without mom's kisses or Dad's hugs and that Elsa was willing to give us lots of.
Aunt Elsa didn’t give up. It’s not in her nature to desist. There didn’t exist a lawyer who she didn’t visit or a social worker that didn’t make a claim for her. She did everything to demonstrate to those blind in their hearts her good womanly skills. She bought a house, opened her own tourist agency and began to wear the pants and jacket suits that she hated so much. She cut her long hair, forgot the nightlife and after four long years she managed to take us with her. This is Elsa. She became our adoptive mother and the best gift our mother could leave us before leaving.
Jane and I adore her like a mother but she likes to be called Aunt Elsa, like when my parents still lived. She says that the word mom is very strong and that we should reserve it for great women like her best friend Rose, our mother. We don’t agree but we love her too much to deny her anything.
I approach smiling to the table while Elsa serves the sweet and sour pork.
“I really like this apartment. It's tiny but I think it fits perfectly with your new lifestyle.”
“Yes! I knew that you’d like it. I also think that it’s all I need.”
“Honey, have you been able to cover all the expenses? If you need money you know that I can help you.”
“I appreciate it,” I stretch my hand to caress hers. Her youth has gone and her wrinkles are getting deeper but her heart is still as immense as when she picked us up. “With the sale of the house and some antiques I was able to settle all the debts.”
John's unexpected death was not only unexpected in my life but also for my economy. He was an archaeologist with an international recognition and a specialist treasure researcher of ancient Greece and as such received an income that was not negligible. We had some savings but the expenses turned out to be too big to settle with a simple director's salary at Stonebridge.
As a widow, I had to be practical, reorganize my life and adjust my expenses. I no longer live in a huge two-story chalet but I have a tiny apartment in the center and I don’t plan to shed any more tears.
“I like to live in the city. I think I can assume it as a new stage in my life.”
“In every sense?”
“Here we go again. Have you been talking to Jane?”
“Of course,” she says without remorse, “and like your sister, I think you’re very young and you must live life in each and every one of its positions...” She winks with mischief.
“Elsa!” I say while chewing a piece of sweet and sour pork. “I don’t intend to remarry.”
“And who’s talking about marriage? I don’t believe in marriage, your parents were the only married ones in love that I met in all my life. I'm talking about giving the body a little joy. To look for a nice man who is good enough to eat.”
“Aunty, don’t talk like that, you're already of an age...” she cracked up laughing.
“Who gives a fuck? The only thing old is my clothes. How do you think I continue being this divine?” She exaggeratingly flutters her eyelashes.
We both burst out laughing. Elsa is the joy that my spirit needed after that embarrassing Friday.
“Honey, I understand that you’re not looking for anything serious, I even dare to say that you should enjoy yourself and have a fling.”
I’ve never been able to open up with Aunt Elsa and I wonder how far she’s been able to deduce about my pain. I hope that she won’t ever discover even half of the suffering that I have lived because I would hate to see her suffer because of me.
“I have never told you but I would like to do new things. To be a different woman, less demure, fearless, more daring and independent, one that dares everything and doesn’t tolerate the unacceptable.”
Aunt Elsa is observing me, studying me closely. I think she knows what I'm talking about.
“Anne, when are you going to open up and tell me exactly what happened between you and John?”
I sigh and smile without desire. I am willing to lie if necessary. My husband is dead and I have a second chance, the rest is past.
“You know how it was. I felt a bit overwhelmed and I think it's time to recover my losses. Simply that.”
Elsa seems to accept my reasons and I sigh in relief.
“The death of your parents made you careful and fearful. The fears of loneliness and uncertain future, locked you in your own cell of fears, and although your precautions were fully justified, I still remember that before the accident, you were a restless and naughty little girl. You must recover your essence, John collaborated in your stagnation, moreover, he increased your mistrust and you simply accepted it.”
I nod without looking at her. It's painful to accept it but after three years I can’t deny it. Fear always turned out to be stronger than my dreams. My wishes were hidden in the routine of acceptance and my courage simply lost the battle.
“I got scared, I settled down and I settled.”
“Exactly, now you have a new opportunity to live and be yourself. Live your life and forget the opinion of your neighbor. Make your own memories of happiness.”
“It won’t be easy.”
“It's as difficult as you want it to be. Every path begins with the first step; the other steps will arrive without thinking.”
I got up and hugged her surprising her with my surge of tenderness.
“Did I tell you how much I love you?”
“I don’t remember.”
“I love you, Elsa.”
“And I've told you how much you look like your mother?”
“Thousands of times. Do you always remember her?”
“Everyday! She was the sister I didn’t have for long. You know? She had exactly your own coppery hair,” she said stroking my hair, “and that same playful green look.”
“Playful green? You’re a liar! That color doesn’t exist.” I answer laughing.
“It does exist! It’s a color that only belongs to women who don’t allow themselves to be overcome. Throw yourself out there whenever you can, if you fall and hurt yourself I’ll be there to put a Band-Aid on you.”
“You promise?”
“With all my being.”
We both continue with our delicious fried rice and are chatting in the most animated conversation. Elsa is right, this is my life and I must go out and taste it.
“Aunty has anyone ever rejected you?” My very flirty aunt looked up with a wicked look.
“Of course.”
“And what did you do?”
“I insisted. If I felt like I wanted a chocolate, no one took it from my mouth.”
“You were terrible!”
“And you as slow as your sister. Let's see why are you asking? Has anyone rejected you?”
“Maybe... I'm not sure. It’s not important at all, but everything is strange with him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing, it's not important. Forget it... My nonsense.”
“Anne, I'll evaluate that. Tell me freely or I’ll have to torture you,” she said, raising her fork.
“I give up. Not with the fork, no!” She snorted and took courage. “I’ll tell you. I met a very handsome and very interesting man. He is cold and very curt in words but I
can’t help drooling when I have him close. My eyes become cloudy when I see him. I start to tremble when he looks at me and my heart beats to the point of having a heart attack.”
“That’s to say that you look like a lost fool...”
“Something like that. I've only seen him a couple of times but I don’t understand, something similar has never happened to me. With John everything was different and after him, I was never interested in anyone until I had him in front of him. My legs tremble, my mind doesn’t respond and I only think about being in his arms.”
“With John, it wasn’t like that?”
I think carefully before answering.
“No. With him everything was different. With John I always looked for a mooring point, stability, but when Reed is close I shudder only to feel him. Sometimes I think about pouncing on him and nibbling him all over, but other times I want to run as far away as I can. I think I've gone crazy...”
“And what happened?”
“After a wonderful conversation I puckered my lips, closed my eyes and I stood like a fool waiting for a kiss that never came. Just to remember the shame I went through, I want to ask for political asylum in Alaska.”
“So close? Better Australia.”
“You’re right.”
“Don’t be silly...”
“I swear. He’s so handsome and I’m so common. For a moment I thought he liked me and then he goes and leaves me with my mouth puckered out like a fish.”
“So he's a dessert ready to savor. Perfect for what your body needs.”
“Aunt...” I shake my head, bewildered.
“Hello! How is everything? Can I join you guys?”
My sister Jane always enters without knocking. Ringing the doorbell doesn’t go with her. She approaches smiling to kiss Aunt Elsa who was listened attentively to me, while she savored her dark coffee and a cigarette for dessert.
“You should stop smoking.”
“If it hasn’t killed me so far why leave it? Come and sit by my side I’m about to give one of my life teachings to your sister.”
“I’d better go,” Jane made a move to disappear through the door. We both knew the liberal teachings of Aunt Elsa and her lack of correct language.
Diana Scott - [Stonebridge 01] Page 5