“I don’t have any answers either,” he said from the other side of the bed. “But we have to try.”
“Maybe we should talk to Pastor Ford.” There was hope in her voice.
He nodded. “That would be good.” With his eyes still focused on her, he moved around the bed, removing the barrier between them. When he stood by her side, he took her hand. “There is something else that I have to tell you.”
She lowered herself onto the bed.
Conner knelt beside her. “I love you, Grace.”
Grace tried to swallow the hardness in her throat. She had a feeling that only pain followed those words. But she held onto his hand, sure that nothing could be worse than what she already knew.
“I don’t know how to tell you this.” He sounded sadder than when he’d first delivered this news.
“How can there be more, Conner?” she asked, though she could feel it—more grief just moments away.
He closed his eyes, as if searching inside for the words he needed.
“Pilar had no intentions of telling me about Solomon.”
Grace focused on breathing.
“She came to me when she found out … Pilar … has AIDS. She doesn’t … the doctors don’t give her much time.”
At first, his words pinned her to the bed. A moment later, she jumped up. “What does that mean?” The question shook from her. She knew his most important words had not been said.
Conner half-closed his eyes. “She has less than a year….”
Grace shook her head. “No, Conner.”
“I wish there was something else I could do.”
The emotions that she’d held exploded like bombs in a minefield. “Conner, I have tried to understand.”
“I know.” He held up his hands as if that would hold back her flaring anger.
“I thought I could grit my way through, even though fathering this child is a thousand times worse than anything I’ve ever done,” she yelled.
He looked toward their closed bedroom door. “You can’t keep score, Grace,” he whispered, hoping that if he lowered his voice, she would do the same.
But his efforts spurred her on. “I think I can. How can you tell me that you want to bring this child into our home?” she asked, stating what he had not yet said.
“Grace, we don’t have a choice. The boy is losing his mother.” He paused. “And I’m his father. We have to step in.”
“We?” She paused long enough for her eyes to pierce his soul. “I don’t think so, Conner.”
His eyes narrowed. “What do you want to happen to the boy?”
“Let me ask you something. What would you have done if I’d brought home Drew’s baby? What if I had asked you to raise Drew’s child?”
Conner’s lips trembled.
She waited a moment before she said, “That’s what I thought.”
“Grace, I can’t turn my back.”
“So what do you expect me to do?” She held up her hand before he could answer. “I guess the first thing is to get an AIDS test.” She glared at him, and then her tears flowed like water gushing from an exploding hydrant. “How could you do this to us?”
He rushed to her, wanting to give her the comfort that he also needed. She pushed him away with a force that startled him.
“I would do anything for you, Grace. But I can’t abandon Solomon.”
The whites of her eyes were crimson. “What about our children?” Grace asked, one decibel below a scream.
The knock on their door stopped them, and Grace turned away when Jayde entered. Through the reflection in the window, she could see her daughter’s eyes darting between her and Conner.
“Mom, I need you to sign the permission slip for the Sacramento trip with my government class next month.”
“I’ll sign it tomorrow.” She spoke without facing her daughter.
“I’ll sign, sweetheart.” Conner took the form. As he signed, Grace could feel Jayde’s stare.
When he handed her the sheet, Jayde took it and moved toward the door. Before she stepped into the hallway, she stopped. “Are you all right, Mommy?” she asked walking toward Grace.
Grace wiped her face and turned. “Yes, sweetie.” She hugged her. “Go to bed.” She held her hand over her heart as Jayde moved with slow steps from the room. She couldn’t imagine what this was going to do to their children.
“Grace,” Conner whispered her name the moment Jayde closed the door. “I don’t know what else to say. Solomon needs me. Pilar needs me.”
The grace of God kept her silent.
“Pilar needs us,” he corrected, feeling her fury.
Grace stared at him for a moment longer. Then she rolled her eyes and walked from the room.
Grace pulled the comforter and pillow from the linen closet, then went into the office. It wasn’t until she closed the door that the sobs she’d held escaped. She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to push the cries back inside. It worked until she lay down.
Pilar. Solomon. AIDS. Those words floated in the air. How was she supposed to get up in the morning and live as if life were normal?
The knock on the door startled her. She was sure Conner would leave her alone.
“Mommy?”
Grace sat up. “Yes, Jayde.”
When she opened the door, the soft light in the hallway glowed behind her, leaving only a silhouette of Jayde in the door-way. “Mom, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, sweetie.” It took every muscle to hold her cries. “I’m just sleeping in here … since I couldn’t sleep and your father has to be up early.”
“He has to be up early on a Saturday?”
“He has … a meeting.” Her lie faded as her daughter walked into the room. Even in the dark, Grace could feel Jayde searching her eyes for the truth.
“Okay,” Jayde said, though she stood in place. Almost a minute passed before she turned away. At the door, she asked, “Mommy, are you sure you’re okay?.”
The lump in Grace’s throat swelled. “Yes, sweetheart,” she squeaked. “I’m going back to my room in a little while.”
Jayde paused, still waiting for the truth. Finally, she closed the door.
Grace lowered her face into the pillow hoping to hide the anguish that enveloped her. She didn’t know how much time passed before she sat up, drained, with no more tears inside.
She rolled from the couch and fell to her knees. She had to go to God. As she closed her eyes, she knew that no matter what she said to the Lord, her family would never be the same again.
Chapter 13
Grace yawned as she filled Amber’s bowl with Fruit Loops. When she turned to the kitchen table, she met Jayde’s stare.
“Last night, Daddy said he was going to make pancakes,” Amber whined.
“I told you, Dad has a meeting.” Jayde spoke to her sister, but her eyes were on her mother.
“Nuh-huh. His car is still in the garage.”
“Eat your cereal, honey, or you won’t be able to go to the museum.”
Amber looked up. “You’re not going?”
“No.” Grace yawned again as she sat down.
“You said you were going,” Amber protested.
“I have something else to do. Mrs. Davis will take you.” When Amber pouted, Grace added, “You can stay home if you want to.”
Amber looked at Grace, lifted her spoon, but didn’t say a word.
Grace nodded, then stood.
“I told you to be quiet,” Jayde hissed at her sister.
“Shut up,” Amber shouted.
“Mom, can we turn the channel? I don’t want to watch these stupid cartoons.”
“They’re not stupid,” Amber objected. “You’re stupid.”
“What’s going on?” Conner stepped into the kitchen. He kissed Amber, then Jayde. He turned to Grace, hesitated, then kissed her cheek.
Grace lowered her eyes and slipped away before they could embrace.
Conner turned to his daughters. “How’re my
princesses?”
“Fine, Daddy. Do you want some of my Fruit Loops?”
He chuckled. “No, thank you, sweetheart.” He looked at Jayde. “How are you?”
When Jayde didn’t respond, Grace looked at her.
“Fine.” Jayde forced the response through her lips. Her eyes were fixed on the now-interesting antics of Scooby-Doo.
Conner took a mug from the cabinet. “What’s the plan for today?” he asked all of them.
“I’m going to the museum,” Amber said.
He poured coffee into his cup. “What about you, Jayde?”
She shrugged without looking at him.
Grace asked, “Don’t you have tennis practice?”
Jayde turned from the television. “Yeah, but I thought I’d stay home.” Her glance shifted between her parents.
Grace shook her head as she dried her hands on the dish towel. “There’s no reason to do that.”
“I can miss one practice.”
“And what about your movie date?”
Jayde hesitated. “That’s not ’til later, Mom. I want to stay with you this morning.”
Grace smiled. “I have some errands to run, so go to practice.” She glanced at the clock. “In fact, it’s time for us to get moving. Amber, get your backpack.”
As Grace passed the table, Conner reached for her hand. “Do you want me to take the girls? I don’t have anything to do today.”
“Mom told me you had a meeting,” Jayde said.
Grace looked at Conner’s hand in hers, then pulled away with as gentle a move as she could. “I’ll take the girls.” Her words were stiff.
“Mom, I thought you said that Dad had a meeting,” Jayde repeated.
Grace let her glance move from Jayde to Conner, back to Jayde. “I was wrong about your father.” She looked at Conner, then walked up the stairs.
Conner followed her.
“What was that supposed to mean?” he demanded once they were behind closed doors.
Grace moved her purse from the bed to the dresser, then looked in the mirror as she wrapped her sweater around her neck.
“I know you’re hurt, Grace, but this has to stop.”
“I didn’t start it.”
“You sound like a child.”
She glared at him through the mirror before turning to face him head-on. “I guess it’s more mature to be a man fathering children all over the country.”
She rushed into the hallway and bumped into Amber.
“Mommy, are you mad?”
“No, honey,” she said, taking her hand.
“Yes, you are,” Amber said as Grace pulled her down the stairs. “You told us not to lie.”
“I’m not mad, Amber. I’m a bit upset, but I’m not angry with you.”
Jayde was waiting at the bottom of the stairs with her arms crossed against her chest. “Why are you mad at Daddy?”
Grace looked at her daughters’ faces stretched with concern. “Come on, we’re running late.”
Her response satisfied Amber, but Jayde’s frown remained as she picked up her bag and stomped past her mother.
They were in the Volvo when Grace realized she’d left her purse inside. Still, she started the ignition, but then turned it off. “I’ll be right back.”
When she stepped into the house, Conner stood, holding her bag. She took it from him and turned back to the garage.
“Grace, please.”
She didn’t know why she paused, but she waited, her hand gripping the doorknob. She could feel Conner edging closer. When she faced him, the tears filling the rims of his eyes matched the ones already in hers. He touched her cheek. She wanted to run, but her heart made her stay.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“You already said that.”
“There is something I haven’t said.”
“There’s nothing more for you to say.” She turned her back to him as she opened the garage door.
“Grace … forgive me.”
Her heart fluttered.
“Please, forgive me.”
Without turning back, she walked into the garage and closed the door on his words.
Conner backed out of the driveway and weaved his SUV through the winding streets of their subdivision. At the bottom of the hill, he stopped in front of the clubhouse. But a moment later, he swung back onto the road. This was too close to home.
He drove past the guard gates and debated. Should he go north or south?
He decided to drive straight, heading east into the city. The traffic was Saturday morning light. Still, with the red lights, it took almost fifteen minutes to drive eight miles away.
Conner turned into a strip mall and parked in front of a 7 Eleven. He eyed the store, then glanced at the doughnut shop next door with a red window banner that read “$1.00 Chinese Food.” He turned off the ignition and pulled his cell phone and the paper with Pilar’s number from his pocket.
A moment after he pressed Talk, he heard Pilar’s greeting.
“I’ve been waiting to hear from you. I thought you would call sometime this week.”
“It took some time, but I spoke to Grace. I told her everything.”
“How did it go?”
He frowned. “That’s not important. This is my family, My business.”
“Your family is my business. How Grace reacts is important since,” a sniffle made her pause, “she is going to be Solomon’s mother. I want to talk to her.”
Conner closed his eyes, remembering Grace’s face just twenty minutes before. He couldn’t imagine that happening. He opened his eyes to the sound of giggles, and his gaze followed a man and a young boy dashing into the 7-Eleven.
“This is a lot for my family to handle,” Conner said. “You’re moving fast.” Through the window, he watched the man help the boy fill a Slurpee cup.
“There isn’t time to move slower,” Pilar said.
“That’s not my fault.”
“It’s not Solomon’s fault either.”
Conner watched the young boy skip out of the store. “Let me handle this, Pilar.”
There was a moment of silence. “I want to talk to Grace.”
That is not going to happen, he thought.
She continued. “I want to … explain. And thank her.”
Conner wasn’t sure if it was the boy he’d just watched or Pilar’s plea that melted his heart. No matter what he was going through, he couldn’t forget that in the end, he would be with his son and Pilar would be gone.
“I don’t think … this is not … Grace needs more time.”
“How many times do I have to say we don’t have that? Conner, the doctors don’t give me six months.”
He wanted to tell her that it wasn’t up to the doctors—that God would have the final word. But he said nothing.
She said, “We need to start thinking about how to tell Solomon.”
Her determination to make final plans made his heart ache for this almost-stranger. “Pilar,” he stopped. “I will be there for my son.”
He could feel her smile through the phone. “That’s all that’s important.”
He clicked the End button, without the formality of a good-bye. He glanced into the rearview mirror. He looked drained, his eyes heavy with sadness. But as new emotions pressed into his consciousness, a slight smile crossed his lips. There was a corner in his center that held affection he could no longer deny.
Guilt shoved the sentiment aside, but as he edged his car into the street and turned toward home, he could feel it.
At the red light, he pulled the picture that Pilar had given him from his wallet. In the photo, he saw his face. This was the boy he saw in the park. He smiled.
This was his son.
Grace stood at the door of her mother’s condominium. She knocked once, then used the key Lily had given her.
“Hello,” she yelled, as she entered the mirrored entryway.
“Grace?” Lily’s surprised smile was wide when she came around th
e corner. “What are you doing here?”
Grace closed her eyes as Lily’s soft arms comforted her. “I wanted to thank you for keeping the girls this week.” She tried to keep the tears from her voice.
Lily pulled away. “What’s wrong?” The mother tone had replaced her delight, and it made Grace hug her again.
“I need to talk.”
Lily took Grace’s hand, moving her through the purple-hued living room. “We’ll have a nice chat.” Grace stopped as soon as they entered the kitchen. “I can’t remember the last time I had both of my girls here.”
Grace’s rounded shoulders sagged even more. “Starlight.”
Her sister smiled. “Hello, Grace.”
Grace sighed inside, and said, “Mom, you have company. I’ll come by later.”
“What are you talking about, company?” Lily scolded. “You sit down. Do you want some coffee?”
Her inner voice told her to leave. But staying wouldn’t be as bad as going home, she thought. She didn’t know if Conner was home, but even if he wasn’t, that was not where she wanted to be. She shrugged her sweater from her shoulders and sat across from Starlight. “Do you have any tea?”
“I have some of that chai you love.”
As Lily pulled a mug from her cabinet and filled it with water, Starlight sipped her coffee. “So, Grace, I always stop by to see Mom on Saturday. What’s your excuse?”
Grace’s eyes narrowed. “Didn’t know I needed one.” When Starlight sighed, Grace said, “I needed to talk to Mom.”
Lily placed the mug with water in the microwave, then set the tea’s canister and a spoon in front of Grace. “What did you want to talk about, honey?”
Grace’s glance moved from her mother to Starlight. “It … wasn’t important.”
Lily rested her hand on top of Grace’s. “We could both help.” She motioned toward Starlight.
Grace looked at her sister and shifted. “No, we can talk later.”
“Okay,” Lily said slowly, then got the cup from the microwave. Everyone was silent as Lily placed the hot water on the table. “Grace, your sister has some wonderful things happening in her life. Tell her, Starlight.”
Though Starlight smiled, she hesitated. “I don’t think Grace wants to hear this.”
“Of course, she does,” Lily said.
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