Well Played

by J. S. Scott

  Twenty-four hours later, I knocked on the door of his apartment telling myself that everything would work out. No matter what had happened between us, he was still the angry boy who had yearned for a home and never found one and I was still his awkward friend who wanted him to find that home even if it wasn’t with me. This didn’t have to be the end of us.

  Through the door he demanded to know who was there.

  I knocked again—louder.

  It’s me, Graham. Let me in.

  CHAPTER 20

  Lauren

  “This had better be important.” The door flew open revealing a wet Graham with a towel draped around his hips and another in his hand.

  He froze.

  I froze.

  Every conversation I’d had with Jack since he’d seen Graham flew through my mind. Jack warned me that he was still angry. Of course, he’d been most vocal after one of Graham’s teammates had broken his nose.

  Jack hadn’t liked it when I’d told him he’d deserved it, but I didn’t care. My brother could try to justify what he’d done all he wanted, even tell me it wasn’t any of my business, but he’d selfishly changed all of our lives.

  “Lauren.” Graham didn’t need to say more than my name. His tone said enough. I was an unwelcome surprise on his doorstep. “Shit.”

  I stood there looking for the man I loved in the face of this stranger. Graham had to still be inside his body, but he wasn’t showing. “Are you going to invite me in?”

  He glanced over his shoulder then said, “Give me a minute,” and closed the door in my face. If I hadn’t known him most of my life, if he didn’t have an entire section of my heart dedicated to him, I would have walked away. My pride told me I should. I hadn’t gone to see him to appease my pride, though.

  Kelley had advised me to make sure I was there for the right reason. Answers. Possibly closure. I swore I was. Waiting gave me too much time to hope I knew what I was doing. Just like a month without Graham had shown me some of the best and the worst I could be.

  I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I didn’t want to wake up each morning asking myself where we would be if I had done things differently. I wanted to take back every nasty message I’d left Graham—or for him to say that he’d wisely deleted them—unheard.

  Unrealistic and selfish, but impossible to deny, was the hope I held in my heart that when I saw him I would say something so perfect that I’d find myself once again in his arms, his bed, his heart.

  What felt like an eternity later, he opened the door again dressed in a T-shirt and jogging pants. “Come in.”

  I stepped inside and took a quick look around. It was definitely a successful man’s apartment, dark furniture, dark carpeting, modern. Was there a woman in the other room? I didn’t know how I would handle it if one walked out of his bedroom. I folded my arms across my chest. “Is this a bad time?”

  Graham pocketed his hands and shook his head. “I was going to call you.”

  “Were you?”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Leaving the way I did was a dick move. I know. I’m sorry.”

  He didn’t sound sorry. He was angry. Impatient. And he looked tenser than I’d ever seen him before. Where was the Graham I loved? The one who had always brought a smile to my face? “That’s it?”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to tell me why you left while I was still sleeping. Why you haven’t so much as answered one of my texts since then.” Time became elastic, stretching each painful second I waited for his response until I couldn’t hold my silence. “Say something.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry.”

  “That you’re not cutting me out of your life,” I said in a strangled voice.

  “I’m not.” His hands fisted at his sides. “I’ve got some stuff I need to figure out then I’ll call you. I promise. But you should go.”

  Bile rose in my throat. “No. Not until you talk to me. We can fix this.”

  He turned away from me. “Don’t do this to yourself. I’m not worth it.”

  “Yes, you are. I don’t hate you. I could forgive you anything, Graham, if you just tell me why.” I meant every word. Our history of laughter and kindness was a solid base—at least in my heart. “Everything happened so fast. You had just lost Hope—”

  He whipped back around, his eyes flashed with anger. “I don’t give a shit about Hope.”

  “It’s understandable to be confused.”

  “I’m not confused. And don’t try to analyze me. One year of psychology doesn’t make you a fucking shrink.”

  “I do have a psych degree—never mind. You’re obviously angry. Is it with me? Talk to me.” He met my gaze but said nothing. There was a wall up between us that had never been there. I was desperate to break past it and talk to my best friend. I took out my phone and opened my photos. “I went scuba diving in the Bahamas.”

  His eyebrows furrowed and he leaned closer to see the photo. “No shit. I’m proud of you.”

  With my heart beating wildly in my chest, I swiped to another photo. “This is me skydiving in California.” His expression was tight and pained, much like how my chest felt. “I did almost everything on the list, but I left some to do with you. I can’t let you remain a pussy when it comes to swimming with manatees.”

  He almost smiled at that, but then his expression darkened again. “I know I hurt you, Peanut.”

  I stepped closer and flipped to photos of me white water rafting and then on a Skycoaster. “You didn’t. You challenged me and I grew from it. You’re not bad for me, Graham. Look.” I tried to hand him my phone.

  He stepped back. “Go home, Lauren.”

  I advanced. “Not until I know you’re okay. We’re okay. Are we still friends? Do you hate me? What can I do to make this better?”

  His face went white. “I don’t want you here. What do I have to do for you to hear me?”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “I do.”

  “Oh.” I did what I swore I wouldn’t do: I started to tear up.

  He grabbed my arms and pulled me to him for an angry, painful kiss I didn’t understand. I pushed away and he released me. My hand went to my tender lips and I shook my head while I backed away.

  “Lauren,” he said in a tortured tone.

  I backed my way across the room, knowing that I had to leave. He’d given me no choice. I wasn’t afraid of him because he was Graham, but I wasn’t communicating with the man I loved. He was obviously locked away in the body of the man I didn’t understand. The Graham I knew didn’t want to come out and talk to me. But at least I tried. “It’s okay,” I said because I didn’t know what else to say.

  Things weren’t okay, but I’d have to live with his decision somehow.

  “No,” he said as he advanced to the door with me. “It’s not.”

  CHAPTER 21

  Graham

  SIX YEARS AGO…

  I never knew how lonely being in a hospital by myself could be.

  But then, I’d never been in a hospital before, alone or with anybody else.

  For the first time in my life, I was doubting whether or not I could ever reach my life goals.

  It wasn’t going to happen like this.

  I was going to lose everything that was important to me.

  I was restless, but I knew I wasn’t going to be discharged, so I grabbed my wallet off the nightstand and flipped through it until I found my four-leafed clover from Lauren.

  I clenched it in my hand, wishing I could talk to her. Maybe she could help me figure all this out, but I was too ashamed of myself to tell her or Jack.

  Peanut looked up to me. What in the hell would she think about me now?

  I grabbed my cell phone and looked at her most recent text:
/>   Lauren: Are you okay? I haven’t heard from you for a few weeks.

  Turned out, she was pretty damn good at helping me with my college courses, too, and we’d been communicating by phone or text since I’d left Colorado over a year ago. With video and audio, she still tutored me, helping me keep my grades up.

  Fuck! I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to talk to Jack. I wanted somebody to tell me that everything would be okay, even though my entire life was falling down on top of my head.

  I finally sent her a text.

  Graham: I’m okay. Just busy. I’ll call you as soon as I can.

  I was such a fucking liar, and I hated people who didn’t tell the truth. But I was now becoming one of those liars I hated.

  I was becoming a lot of things I hated, and I didn’t want to go there.

  I had dreams.

  I had fucking goals.

  I wanted control of my life, but I wasn’t getting it right now.

  Clutching the four-leafed clover harder, I closed my eyes. I tried to picture Lauren’s face, and the vision came immediately. I could see her bright blonde hair and inquisitive features in my mind, and it drowned out some of the other noise I was hearing.

  What would she tell me right now if she knew the truth?

  She’d probably kick my ass into gear and tell me that nothing could stop me from succeeding except…myself.

  And she would be right. I was in my own way right now, but I felt helpless to change my situation. What in the hell could I do when I couldn’t help myself or gain control of my own body?

  I looked down at my phone as it buzzed her reply.

  Lauren: I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m here if you need me. Talk to you when you have time available.

  I needed her as a friend, but I sure as hell wasn’t calling her or Jack. I didn’t want them to know what a mess I was at the moment.

  Setting my phone aside, I let Lauren’s comforting image stay in the back of my mind as I opened my eyes. It seemed to help.

  “Graham?” a deep voice queried from the side of the bed.

  I looked up to see my doctor hanging out beside me. He was middle-aged, and non-threatening in his approach. But I was worried anyway.

  The doctor had the ability to make or break my career.

  “We need to talk,” he said, his expression almost unreadable.

  I didn’t let go of my four-leafed clover as he began to explain what had happened to me, and why I might never play football ever again.

  CHAPTER 22

  Graham

  THE PRESENT…

  Lauren was opening the door, and I knew she’d probably run like her ass was on fire.

  It wasn’t like I didn’t know I was being a prick, but my need to get her out of my condo was my biggest fucking goal. Or it was…until I heard her breath hitch as she swung the door open, making a whimpering noise that sounded very much like she was in pain.

  “Fuck!” I growled, and then slapped my hand on the door above her head, making it slam closed with her still inside my condo. “I can’t do this. I cannot do this,” I said as I leaned my weight on the door, cutting off her escape. My breath was audibly ragged as I kept her trapped with me.

  “Just let me go,” Lauren demanded with a tiny sob. “I already made an ass out of myself. I’d like to salvage a little bit of my pride.”

  I put my hands on her shoulders and turned her around.

  The tears flowing down her cheeks lashed at my heart.

  She’d been so brave, trying to complete every challenge I’d given her even though she had nothing to really prove. She was fucking perfect. And I was being the biggest coward in the world.

  Finally, I answered through gritted teeth, “I can’t let you leave like this. You’re upset. You shouldn’t drive when you can’t completely focus on what you’re doing.”

  “I’m fine,” she said angrily. “I just realized that I care about a guy who doesn’t give a damn about me. My mistake. I wanted some kind of closure since we had the best sex of my life, but it doesn’t matter anymore.”

  I’d always loved her tenacity, but I knew it would get her in trouble eventually. I just hadn’t imagined it would involve me. “You don’t understand. I do care.”

  She looked at me dubiously. “No offense, but your behavior says differently.”

  I had to force myself not to touch her, not to wipe away every single tear on her face.

  “I’m not a man worth putting your emotions into, Lauren. I never will be.”

  She pushed at my chest, and I let her slip past me. “Fine,” she said in a clipped voice. “Then just let me leave. I don’t plan on bothering you again.”

  I turned and leaned against the door. “I don’t want to leave things like this. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “You don’t always get everything you want,” she replied bitterly.

  “You don’t have to tell me that,” I rasped, trying to hold my anger in check. “I learned that lesson a long time ago.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “Since we’re never going to see each other again, why don’t you just tell me why you left. Tell me why you couldn’t even bring yourself to talk to me again. Was it that bad for you? Were you disappointed?”

  Shit! That pissed me off. I hated it when she said anything derogatory about herself or even insinuated that she wasn’t good enough. “You know damn well it wasn’t bad. It was the best sex I’ve ever had, too.” I’d had a lot of sex to compare that night to, and not a single one of those experiences even compared to the night I’d spent with Lauren.

  “So do you always run away when you have a great orgasm?” she asked sarcastically.

  “I had to go,” I told her. “I never should have touched you. You were one of my best friends. One of my only friends.”

  “It’s your choice to end that relationship,” she snapped. “You made it perfectly clear that you regret what happened.”

  “I don’t regret it,” I answered hotly.

  “But you don’t want it to happen again,” she countered.

  “It can’t happen again,” I said.

  “Why?” she pressed.

  My hands were starting to shake from suppressed frustration, so I dropped my arms to my sides and clenched my fists, trying to get myself under control before I lost it.

  I wanted to touch Lauren so badly that it physically hurt.

  “Tell me,” she prodded.

  “I can’t,” I said gruffly.

  “You won’t,” she corrected. “You can do anything you want. You could always tell me anything. What happened to that? What happened to us?”

  “I’ve never told you everything,” I said roughly.

  “I know,” she answered simply. “But that was your choice, too. Jack and I would have listened if you had wanted to talk. We were always there for you.”

  I’d already lost Jack, and I was going to lose Lauren, too. My heart was so damn heavy that I didn’t give a shit about my secrets anymore. It didn’t matter what anybody thought about me because I was about to lose the best friend I’d ever had, all to keep my damn secrets.

  Lauren probably hated me right now, and I didn’t blame her. Maybe it was just better to tell her, and then she’d understand. It was a hell of a lot kinder for her to know I wasn’t rejecting her. I needed to stop being so damn selfish, trying to protect myself, and let her see who I really was. She needed to understand why a woman like her could never be with a guy like me. If she already thought the worst, what did it matter anymore?

  Both of the people I cared about the most weren’t going to be in my life in the future. I had absolutely nothing to lose.

  I pushed off the door and wandered into the living room, more confused than I’d ever been in my life. I knew Lauren had followed as I sat down in a chair, feeling comp
letely defeated. “I left because I knew I wasn’t good for you,” I told her honestly.

  She sat in a chair across from me. “I think that’s my decision to make,” she said quietly.

  “Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?”

  “Why do you have to be such a jerk?” she said in an ornery tone I’d never heard come out of her mouth before. “Who are you to tell me what I should do? I’m all grown up, Graham. I make my own decisions.”

  “Then you should be running out that door right now,” he warned. “Because every time I see you I’m always going to want to get you naked. I can’t take that back. I can’t make what happened go away.”

  “I don’t want it to go away,” she answered stubbornly. “I don’t regret what happened because for one damn night, I felt like I was beautiful. I felt special, and not in a weird and different way. I felt desired. Why would I want that experience erased like it never happened?”

  Goddammit! I didn’t want it to disappear, either. And I should want that, but I didn’t. “I’m a selfish bastard,” I growled.

  “Right now, I’m not going to argue with you about that,” she said drily.

  I finally looked up at her, and I could see her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She was upset, and she had every right to be. It sucked that I had fucked her and left her. “I didn’t have a choice, Lauren.”

  “You had a choice,” she argued. “At least be accountable for the fact that you hurt me.”

  “I could have hurt you more if I hadn’t left,” I said, casting my eyes down again so I couldn’t see her face. It was killing me to see her damaged expression.

  She got up. “I disagree. I couldn’t have been more confused than I was at the cabin. I waited for you, Graham. I thought you would come back. It never even occurred to me that you’d left me there alone without even a note, a text or phone call because I’ve always had faith in you. I sat there like an idiot waiting for your explanation, and it never came.”

  I didn’t move. I had to let her go, even though every cell in my body wanted her to stay.