Damsels in Distress

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Sorrel (casually) Hi!

  Lynette You’re late, aren’t you?

  Sorrel Sorry. I went up West with Kelly.

  Lynette What doing?

  Sorrel Just looking round the shops, you know. It was late-night shopping so we thought we’d –

  Lynette Oh, God. You haven’t been spending money, Sorrel?

  Sorrel No.

  Lynette We can’t afford it, darling. We really can’t. Not like we used to.

  Sorrel I can still look, though, can’t I? I’m still allowed to look.

  Lynette I suppose.

  Sorrel We went on the tube. Not even a taxi.

  Lynette I should hope not. I’m just fixing supper. It won’t be long. Can you lay the table?

  Sorrel Sure.

  They go about their respective tasks.

  Lynette Have a good day?

  Sorrel It was alright.

  Lynette Get that essay in?

  Sorrel Yep.

  Lynette Did Kelly finish hers?

  Sorrel I finished it for her.

  Lynette Really! What on earth’s the point of that?

  Sorrel I’m her friend.

  Lynette It’s not going to help her, though, is it? Not in the long run. If you’re going to do all her work for her.

  Sorrel She’d have got into trouble, otherwise. What sort of friend would I have been then?

  Lynette What were you doing in the West End? What shops did you go in?

  Sorrel (vaguely) All sorts. Selfridge’s, John Lewis. You know.

  Lynette See anything nice?

  Sorrel No. How many cigarettes have you smoked today?

  Lynette Considerably less than usual.

  Sorrel God, only forty-five. Hooray.

  Lynette No. Less than that. And I’ve never smoked forty-five. Even at my worst.

  Sorrel You just lose count.

  Lynette I tell you who I had lunch with, though. Diana Reece. Remember her? She’s sold the boutique and she’s thinking of opening a gift shop. She wondered if I’d be interested. You know, working there as manager. Once she gets it open.

  Sorrel Great.

  Lynette Of course, it wouldn’t be for a month or two. Well, probably the middle of next year.

  Sorrel By which time we’ll be living in Carlisle.

  Lynette I’m trying, Sorrel, I am trying.

  Sorrel Sorry.

  Lynette Mind you, you’re right. It’s probably nothing. Diana’s a walking disaster. Everything she touches. Still, I have got us one treat. (She produces a bottle of white wine from the fridge.) I couldn’t resist. It was a special offer. We can have a glass of wine with our lasagne.

  Sorrel Great.

  Lynette In fact, why don’t we have a glass now? Cheer us up, won’t it? Now where’s the corkscrew? Oh, yes.

  Sorrel (vainly) I’ll get it …

  But Lynette has marched to the bar before Sorrel can stop her.

  Lynette God knows what it’ll be like. Probably taste like vinegar but if we – (seeing Sorrel’s collection of carriers) What’s all this?

  Sorrel (casually) Nothing.

  Lynette I thought you said you didn’t buy anything?

  Sorrel I didn’t.

  Lynette Then where did these come from?

  Sorrel They’re – Kelly’s.

  Lynette Kelly’s?

  Sorrel Yes.

  Lynette Then what are they doing here?

  Sorrel I said I’d hide them for her. She went a bit mad. Kept buying things. She said her father’d hit the roof if she arrived home with all this.

  Lynette I wouldn’t blame him.

  Sorrel Her parents are terribly strict with her, poor kid.

  Lynette Well, they’re a dreadful couple, both of them. No wonder Kelly’s such a wimp.

  Sorrel She’s not really. She’s just shy, that’s all.

  Lynette Can’t think what you see in her.

  Sorrel Yes, OK. Anyway, I said I’d hide those for her so that she can sneak them in a bit at a time.

  Lynette I mean, let’s face it, she’s fearfully dim, isn’t she? She must drive you potty.

  Sorrel I like her. (indicating the bottle) Do you want me to open that?

  Lynette Please, would you? (looking at the carriers) Well, what are we going to do with all these? We can’t leave them here.

  Sorrel I’ll put them in my bedroom.

  Lynette If you can find room.

  Sorrel There’s room, there’s room. Less of that.

  Lynette When I looked in the other day, it was like a rubbish tip.

  Sorrel Well, in future, kindly refrain from looking in, please. I have told you that is my private space. What I get up to in there is my own business.

  Lynette Certainly is. Providing you don’t bring anybody else back it is, anyway.

  Sorrel Would I do that, Mother?

  A mobile phone rings.

  Lynette Whose is that?

  Sorrel Mine.

  Lynette You’ve changed the ring.

  Sorrel Got bored with it. (handing the still unopened bottle back to Lynette) Here. Would you?

  Lynette takes the bottle and during the next finishes opening it. Sorrel rummages in her bag and finds the phone. It is different from the one she used this morning.

  Lynette That isn’t a new phone, is it?

  Sorrel No.

  Lynette Looks different.

  Sorrel No. (answering) Hello … yes? … (She moves to the balcony.) Yes, go on …

  She steps outside and closes the door behind her as she listens. Lynette continues with the bottle.

  (in a subdued voice) No, I’m sorry, I don’t do that sort of thing. No … No, I’m sorry not even as a special rate, no … well, if you must know, I think it sounds a bit disgusting, actually, that’s why … (louder)

  A party boat on the river approaches noisily. Sorrel sticks a finger in her other ear to hear her caller. Lynette pours two glasses of wine.

  (louder) Disgusting, yes … You heard … Listen, I think you’d better try someone else. Sorry.

  Lynette opens the sliding door. She has Sorrel’s glass of wine.

  (yelling) No. I’m strictly vanilla. (louder) Vanilla, yes … ’Bye. (She hangs up.)

  Lynette Here.

  Sorrel (startled) Ah!

  Lynette What are you doing? Ordering ice cream?

  Sorrel Just some stupid boy from school. Having a joke.

  Lynette Which one?

  Sorrel David Astwick.

  Lynette Oh, that sweet boy. The one who played Romeo with you?

  Sorrel That’s him.

  Lynette I was always wanting you to ask him round. You never would.

  Sorrel No.

  Lynette I thought he was lovely. A tiny bit spotty perhaps, but …

  Sorrel He was incredibly spotty. He was all spot.

  Lynette That’s only his age. He’ll grow out of it.

  Sorrel Good. So long as it’s not with me.

  Lynette No wonder you never keep boyfriends. You’re so particular.

  Sorrel Perhaps I’ve good reason to be, Mother.

  Pause. Lynette does not rise to this but instead goes into the kitchen where she removes their supper from the microwave.

  Lynette (as she does this) We’ve got some left, actually.

  Sorrel What?

  Lynette Ice cream. Would you like some? For afters?

  Sorrel Possibly.

  Lynette I’ll take it out of the freezer, then.

  Sorrel I’ll put these bags away.

  Lynette Hurry up, it’s nearly ready.

  Sorrel gathers up the bags and moves to the bedroom with them. As Sorrel is about to go off, Lynette comes back briefly into the living room.

  Vanilla?

  Sorrel (turning, guiltily) What?

  Lynette You prefer vanilla?

  Sorrel Yes, please. Vanilla. Vanilla. (Sorrel goes off.)

  Lynette (to herself) Extraordinary girl. Gets weirder by the day.

  As she resumes s
erving up the meal, the lights fade to:

  Blackout.

  SCENE THREE

  The same. Early afternoon. A week later. The room is empty, momentarily. Sorrel enters. She is in her bathrobe and barefoot, straight from the bath. She is holding two carrier bags. One she sets down by the coffee table, the other she takes to the bar and starts to unpack. It contains some fairly small bottles of a somewhat random selection of alcohol. Whisky, gin, vodka, rum, sweet sherry and tequila. The doorbell rings. She freezes. Then runs to the spyhole in the door and looks out. She opens the door to admit Kelly, who is wearing a smart skirt and blouse and, somewhat incongruously, her old trainers. She is also wearing make-up which serves to make her look slightly more mature. She is holding a fairly bulky package in a chemist’s shop bag.

  Sorrel Where did you go, you’ve been ages?

  Kelly (rather breathless) Sorry. I had to wait for ever for a bus.

  Sorrel A bus? Where did you go on a bus?

  Kelly To the chemist’s.

  Sorrel There’s one just round the corner.

  Kelly I know there is. I wasn’t going to buy these in there. My mother shops in there. Here. (She hands Sorrel the package.)

  Sorrel What’s this?

  Kelly You know – thingies.

  Sorrel I asked for a packet. How many have you bought?

  Kelly The girl in the shop said it worked out cheaper in bulk.

  Sorrel (examining the box) There’s two hundred in here, what do you think I am?

  Kelly She said you soon get through them. She does. Receipt’s in the bag.

  Sorrel I’ll pay you back. I’m going to need twelve clients just to finance all this.

  Kelly Don’t look at me. My building society account is nearly cleaned out. If my mum ever finds out …

  Sorrel How’s she ever going to know?

  Kelly She does go through my things occasionally. I know she does. I stick hairs on things and they’ve moved when I come home.

  Sorrel That’s terrible. She can’t do that. Tell her to mind her own business.

  Kelly (sadly) I couldn’t do that. She’s my mother.

  Sorrel Anyway, I said, I’ll pay you back. It’s the same in any business to start with. You have to invest. God, he’ll be here in a minute. I’m not even dressed. Can you help me, please?

  Kelly What shall I do?

  Sorrel Put the magazines out on the table and lay the bar out properly in case he wants a drink and put some sexy music on …

  Kelly Right.

  Sorrel Where are your shoes?

  Kelly I took them off. I can’t walk in them.

  Sorrel Well, put them on. You’re supposed to be my maid, you look like a PE instructor. (Sorrel makes to return to the bedroom.)

  Kelly Sorrel …

  Sorrel No.

  Kelly What?

  Sorrel Mandy. You must get used to calling me Mandy.

  Kelly Sorry. Mandy …

  Sorrel And what’s your name, again? The name we chose for you?

  Kelly looks blank.

  Oh, for God’s sake, Kell! How many more times? Karen.

  Kelly Karen. I keep thinking it’s Kirstie.

  Sorrel Would you prefer to be Kirstie?

  Kelly No, it’s alright. I’ll be Karen.

  Sorrel I don’t care if you’re Kerry or Caroline, as long as you make up your mind.

  Kelly Karen. I’ll be Karen.

  Sorrel Yes, well, remember it. We don’t want them knowing our real names, do we?

  Kelly (appalled) God, no.

  Sorrel Well, then.

  Kelly It’s just – Sorrel – (hastily) – sorry, Mandy …

  Sorrel I have to get ready, Karen. What is it?

  Kelly You’re certain you want to go through with this, Mandy?

  Sorrel It’s too late now.

  Kelly No, it’s not too late. When he rings this bell we can tell him he’s got the wrong house, that’s all. I’ll do that if you like.

  Sorrel We’ve got this far. We’ve spent all this money – all your money. We have to go through with it now. We have to.

  Kelly I don’t mind about the money, I really don’t. Forget about the money. I’m worried about you.

  Sorrel I’ll be perfectly fine. I’ll probably read a book while I’m doing it.

  Kelly But surely, the reason these people – these men – go to people like you, Mandy – is because – there’s something possibly wrong with them –

  Sorrel Not necessarily.

  Kelly Then why are they coming to you? Why haven’t they got wives or girlfriends?

  Sorrel I don’t know. Maybe they’ve got unsatisfactory wives or girlfriends, I don’t know. Maybe they’re not into regular relationships. Maybe they’re sad buggers who can’t get it at all, like David Astwick. They’re not all peculiar. Besides, I’ve been very careful, haven’t I? I haven’t taken just anyone, you know. I’ve been screening my calls extremely carefully. Because yes, you are right. There are some very, very, seriously weird people out there, but I promise you none of them are coming in here.

  Kelly In the end you can never be sure, though, can you?

  Sorrel No more than you would be if you went through a dating agency.

  Kelly That’s not the same at all.

  Sorrel Listen, I’m as sure as I can be. I had over forty enquiries initially. You know how picky I’ve been. I’ve whittled those right down.

  Kelly Yes, to one. I know. But that means, on those figures, for every one normal man there’s thirty-nine peculiar ones.

  Sorrel About average, isn’t it?

  Kelly Seriously.

  Sorrel I’ve got you, haven’t I?

  Kelly What am I going to do? We get a maniac in here, what am I supposed to do? They’re always getting attacked, these women. You read about it all the time. Murdered – and things.

  Sorrel You only read about the ones that do. I bet lots of them never have any bother at all. Angie never has. Mind you, that’s because she beats them up first.

  Kelly (a little tearful) I wish you wouldn’t make jokes. I’m just so worried about you, Sorrel. Mandy.

  Sorrel Karen – do not start crying on me, please. That is not helpful. I need you to help me. I’m relying on you. I am not frightened but I am nervous. This is my first client and I want to get it right. I need you, Karen. Yes?

  Kelly stands miserably.

  Kelly?

  Kelly Yes. Alright.

  Sorrel I’ve got to get my stuff on. I may need a hand. Get things ready in here, alright? Come on! It’s going to be a piece of piss. Piece of piss! Piece of piss!

  She goes off. Kelly goes behind the bar and cursorily arranges the bottles. She goes to the coffee table and unpacks the carrier bag which Sorrel has left beside it. It contains some fairly innocuous ‘girlie’ mags. Kelly opens one at random.

  Kelly Oh, that’s horrible. Urrrgh! Urrrgh! (At arm’s length she lays the magazines out on the table.)

  Sorrel (off, in frustration) Aaaah!

  Kelly (alarmed) What’s wrong?

  Sorrel (off, urgently) Karen! Can you come and help me with this thing, please!

  Kelly Yes, coming … (She goes into the bedroom. Off, on seeing Sorrel) Oh, my God! Sorrel!

  Sorrel (off) Can you help me do it up?

  The room is empty for a moment. Silence. The doorbell sounds. Sorrel enters, bare-legged in her black basque. She listens. Kelly comes on behind her, still struggling to finish fastening Sorrel’s garment.

  Sorrel Are you sure?

  Kelly I heard something. (struggling) Stand still!

  Sorrel Sshh! (She listens.)

  Kelly I’m sure you bought a size too small.

  Sorrel They’re supposed to be tight.

  Kelly Not this tight. (doing it up at last) There!

  Sorrel Sshh!

  The doorbell rings again.

  It was.

  Kelly I said it was. (in panic) What are we going to do? You’re not ready.

  Sorrel Le
t him in. I won’t be long.

  Kelly What do I do with him?

  Sorrel Entertain him.

  Kelly Entertain him? What am I supposed to do, dance on the table?

  Sorrel Talk to him, just talk to him, Karen.

  Kelly I don’t think he’s come here to talk.

  Sorrel Well, he’ll have to wait, won’t he?

  Kelly Why do you need to put all that on, anyway?

  Sorrel It’s what they expect. Because they’ve no imagination of their own, that’s why.

  Kelly You’re only going to take it all off again, aren’t you? Presumably.

  Sorrel I’ll have to. I certainly can’t do anything with it on. I can’t even breathe properly.

  Kelly I keep saying, it’s too tight. You should have got the bigger size.

  The doorbell rings.

  Sorrel Shut up and answer the door! And put your shoes on! You look ridiculous!

  Kelly moves to the bar to change her shoes. Sorrel starts to go off. Kelly grabs the box of condoms.

  Kelly Here.

  Sorrel (stopping) What?

  Kelly Don’t forget these. The thingies.

  Sorrel You keep them. Make sure you give him some.

  Kelly How many?

  Sorrel I don’t know. Two.

  Kelly Right.

  Sorrel No, three – no, make it five. Just in case.

  Kelly You’re going to make him wear five?

  Sorrel Not all at once.

  The doorbell rings again.

  Kelly Five?

  Sorrel Put on the music. Open the door.

  Sorrel goes back into the bedroom. Kelly replaces the box behind the bar and, slipping off her trainers, climbs into a pair of high-heeled shoes. She totters out, rather unsteadily. She goes to the hi-fi and selects a bland, easy-listening CD. She then steels herself and opens the front door. Leo is standing on the threshold. A dapper man in his forties dressed in a suit. He carries a small bunch of flowers.

  Leo Ah!