Blissfully Blindsided

by Robin Alexander

  “I’m not. That was rude.”

  “It was on both counts. There I was standing on a chair because I can’t reach the buttons on my parents’ microwave mounted over the stove. Joanna just strolls in on her long legs and says I look like an infant in boots. She topped that off by asking if anyone offered me a job as a store elf, and she was dead serious.” Caleigh shook her head slowly. “I’m afraid of what might’ve happened if I would’ve had quick access to Dad’s trimmer. Joanna didn’t realize she made me mad enough to want to shear her like a sheep.”

  “Is everyone in your family taller than you?”

  “I think the way you posed that question was sweet. You could’ve just asked if I was the shortest, and I am.” Caleigh grinned. “How tall are you?”

  “Almost five-foot-eight.”

  “So nothing has ever really been out of your reach, except for the lanterns outside when you have to change the batteries,” Caleigh said with a mock scowl.

  “Height does have its disadvantages. In elementary school, my head was always sticking out above the others, so my teachers called on me a lot to answer questions. I wasn’t paying attention most of the time because I was watching Gene eat my crayons.” Blaze shrugged. “He never ate his own. I’m sure there are high sides to not being tall. You’ve probably never ran into a low-hanging branch.”

  “Yes, I have. Actually, I rode into one on my bike, and it ripped some hair out of my head. Got anything else?” Caleigh asked with a smile.”

  “You probably don’t fall very often because you have a low center of gravity.”

  “I fall off things I use as a ladder all the time.” Caleigh laughed. “Try again.”

  “This game is very intimidating,” Blaze admitted with a grin. “I think your lack of height is adorable.”

  “Aw, crap, I didn’t expect you to go sweet. I thought you were gonna tell me I’m lucky to buy kid’s jeans because they’re cheaper. I had a great retort prepared. I was going to say I won’t buy anything with sparkling kitty prints no matter how cheap they are.”

  “Do I get a point for going sweet though?” Blaze asked with a laugh.

  “I’ll give you ten.”

  “I’m very happy with that score. I like you and I want to stay in your good graces,” Blaze said and took a sip of her wine.”

  Caleigh smiled. “I liked you the night we met. I thought you were very attractive, and sweet. That’s why I offered you a ride to town. Why didn’t you take it?”

  “My mind was somewhere else I guess. I really was going to see Carey, but there was another reason. I left the house on the spur of the moment in jeans and it was hot.” Blaze laughed. “I’ve never chafed like that in my life. I was in agony. I would’ve had to take my pants off just to sit in your car, and that’s not a good first impression.”

  “You were all chafed up and you changed my tire?”

  “I couldn’t say ‘I’d love to help you, but I’ve started a fire in my pants and I’m about to die.’ Blaze cracked up. “I rode off hoping you didn’t notice I was peddling with my feet on the edge of the pedals turned out. I freaked Carey out, because the first thing I did when I got to her house was strip from the waist down.”

  “Oh Blaze,” Caleigh began sympathetically and then covered her mouth when she started laughing. “I’m so sorry.”

  “That’s okay. Carey gave me some balm she uses on her horses. It helped a lot, but I’ve developed a craving for apples and hay.”

  “You really were a hero that night,” Caleigh said as she tried to stop laughing. “Seriously, it was really sweet of you to help me in that condition.”

  “You were a hero tonight. You brought a pizza over and fed my family after I stood you up and ruined our plans. I doubt anyone else would’ve even given me the chance to explain what happened.”

  “I called the store when you didn’t show up or answer my texts, and Billie told me someone had seen an ambulance in your driveway,” Caleigh admitted. “I’m surprised I did that, because normally I wouldn’t have. I really did like you the night we met.”

  “This is the first time I have ever been happy that Billie has talked to anyone about me. If I sneeze she makes sure everyone in town knows about it, and adds her own spin.” Blaze smiled. “I’m so thankful you gave me the benefit of a doubt and called her.”

  “Me too.” Caleigh took a sip of her wine and asked hesitantly, “Um…did Carey tell you anything about me being a wily sailor?”

  “You sail,” Blaze said excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

  “I guess I should explain wily sailor means slut to my Gramp. He was confused by something I said, and he told Carey I was like a wily sailor with a woman in every port.”

  “Carey never said anything about that.” Blaze pursed her lips for a second. “I’m dying to know what did you say to make him think that.”

  “I couldn’t have real relationships on the road, so over a period of years, I had arrangements with a few women. I would describe it as very casual dating. I don’t want you to think I’m flighty or afraid of commitment or…a ho.”

  “I don’t,” Blaze said with a laugh. “I’ve had my share of arrangements.”

  Caleigh sat up a little straighter. “Really? Do you have a…current one?”

  “No, my last acquaintance was my ex. We broke up on good terms, and we kinda got together every now and then casually. She was a social worker at the nursing home, and had been the one to talk me into being the bunny. After the incident she ended our arrangement.”

  Caleigh’s brow furrowed. “Did she blame you for that?”

  “No. She and the whole staff at the nursing home saw the videos, and knew exactly what happened.” Blaze started to fidget. “It’s what happened after that incident that upset her.”

  “Did you moon the whole town again?” Caleigh asked with a smile.

  “No.” Blaze blew out a breath. “I, uh…I told you how people acted as though I was a lunatic after the whole bunny assault thing. Well, I stupidly played into their beliefs when I decapitated a lawn ornament.”

  “I have heard a little about that, and I’m still sitting here, so don’t look so nervous. Go ahead and tell me what happened.”

  Blaze nodded, looking a bit relieved. “I don’t know anything about my neighbors across the street except their last name is Parker. They never decorate for the holidays, but this year they did with one lone plastic Easter Bunny. They put that thing in the middle of their yard facing my house and even splattered the front of it with red paint to look like blood. It was as though they were sending a message that said, ‘hello, we’ve never met, but we’re the assholes.’ So, I answered and let them know I was an asshole too.”

  “You just walked across the street and took an ax to their bunny?” Caleigh asked with an incredulous smile.

  “A machete. Big mistake because I had to hack on that rabbit for a while, and I almost got caught in the act. That’s why I didn’t use a chainsaw because I committed the ornament murder in the middle of the night, and that would’ve really been loud.” Blaze stared into space thoughtfully. “I should’ve used a blowtorch.”

  Caleigh snorted. “I have a mental picture of you sneaking across the street dressed like a ninja with a machete.”

  “Oh, yeah, I was dressed in black from head to toe, but I wasn’t stealthy. I just walked across the street and attacked that smiling plastic bunny bastard.” Blaze shook her head as she laughed. “I was so pissed off when I went to close my blinds that night and noticed that damn thing glowing on their lawn. Here’s the kicker. I was getting my mail out of the box at the same time Mr. Parker came out to get his. I know he saw my face all black and blue, and that very night they put that ornament in their yard. I can’t imagine they could think I’d find that funny. If they did then I’m sure they got a real kick out of finding their plastic bunny head on their doorstep. Did I act immaturely? Yes. Do I regret it? Nope.”

  “I read about neighbors fighting over
lawn decorations or dog poop in their yards all the time. It only makes the news, because the argument escalates and turns physical. You could’ve gone over there and chewed them out and made a scene. Instead, you made a statement. But Blaze, if something like that ever happens again,” Caleigh smiled, “please let me go with you dressed like a ninja. I’ll carry the blowtorch.”

  A slow smile spread across Blaze’s face. “I really like you, and I’m touched that you’re willing to be my accomplice. I hope you won’t be disappointed to hear I won’t be doing that again.”

  Caleigh shrugged. “I really wanted to have an excuse to dress like a ninja and perform covert maneuvers, but I can live with the disappointment.”

  “I really do like you,” Blaze said with a warm smile. “You know what’s funny? I haven’t ridden my bike in years, but the night we met, I just had to get away from here. Almost no one ever travels on Old Dump Road, and we happened to be there at the same time. At the risk of sounding weird, do you think that means something?”

  “It does,” Caleigh replied seriously. “You have perfect timing and I can’t avoid hitting potholes.” She grinned when Blaze cracked up. “I don’t think you’re weird for wondering that. I’ve met a lot of people, but I’ve never been this comfortable with anyone so quickly. So, I’m gonna choose to believe we were meant to meet that night. Does that make me weird?”

  “No.” Blaze leaned close to Caleigh and gave her a chaste kiss.

  Caleigh smiled when their lips parted. “Now, I have to tell you something that makes my sisters think I’m crazy. The day I graduated college, my family took me out to eat. My other grandma was alive then, and she bought me some cookies from a shop we passed on the way back to our cars. I ate all of them but one. I saved the last cookie because Grandma Del gave it to me. It’s sealed in a plastic bag and I keep it inside a glass box.”

  “That’s not crazy, that’s sentimental and sweet.”

  Caleigh smiled. “Does that earn me another kiss?”

  “Absolutely.” Blaze awarded Caleigh with a kiss that left them both breathless.

  “I have a desiccated turtle in a glass box too,” Caleigh blurted out. “That’s the reason Joanna and Hailey think I’m weird, but Pete was very precious to me.”

  “Still sentimental and sweet.” Blaze stroked the side of Caleigh’s face with the backs of her fingers. “Childhood pets are special.”

  “I was twenty-one when he died. I found him after a flood. He was a baby, his shell was only the size of a quarter and he was dying then. I nursed him back to health with special food and a lot of attention, but he didn’t grow and died almost a year later. I dried his little body in the sun, and he’s in a glass box that’ll stink up a room if you open it.”

  “Do you have any other loved ones stored away?” Blaze asked with a laugh.

  “Well, Granddad—where’re you going?” Caleigh laughed when Blaze jumped to her feet. “I was gonna tell you he was a taxidermist. It’s in my blood to preserve, but no, I don’t have any other bodies stored away. Wow, that was a strange admission to make on a first date. Still wanna go out with me?”

  “Absolutely,” Blaze said with a smile.

  *******

  “Are you dead or dying?” Carey asked sleepily when she answered Blaze’s call.

  “My luck has finally changed. Thanks to you, I’m dating a woman who I think might be my perfect match. Caleigh is amazing.”

  Carey yawned. “I’m gonna try to care, even though it’s after midnight. Are you aware of that?”

  “Yeah, but you call me at four in the morning sometimes when you’re getting ready for work, and you don’t have to get up early tomorrow.”

  “Well, shit,” Carey said with a sigh. “Does Caleigh decapitate lawn ornaments and fight in fur?”

  “She would never wear fur, she’s an animal lover. She keeps a dried-out dead turtle. Does she sound perfect for me or what?” Blaze asked excitedly.

  “Both of you sound perfect for a mental ward, but I’m glad you’ve met someone who’s just as strange as you are. What’s going on with Chantal?”

  “Oh, she lied,” Blaze said glibly as she stretched out on her bed. “She doesn’t have a broken arm or rib, just a broken ankle. Ronnie is going through early menopause and is possessed by a minimum of three demons named Cranky, Emotional, and Hot Flash. I don’t care about all that right now because the Fates have sent me a woman, and she is sexy, sweet, and just the right amount of crazy.”

  “Congratulations. Sounds like your luck is changing.”

  “Yep,” Blaze said and ended the call without saying goodbye. She laughed. “Got your ass that time, Carey. Night, night.”

  Chapter 11

  “How was your date?” Edie asked when Caleigh joined her and Dean for breakfast.

  “Wonderful.” Caleigh kissed Edie on the cheek first, then she kissed Dean. “I met Blaze’s sister, Ronnie, and the…Chantal Champlain. She said to tell y’all hello.”

  “Does she look fake?” Dean asked. “You know, like so many actors and actresses do when they get a little mileage on them? They get all kinds of plastic things shoved into their cheeks and foreheads to stop the sagging, and they never blink.”

  “She doesn’t look her age, and if she’s had work done, it’s not obvious,” Caleigh said with a laugh as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

  Edie took a pan of biscuits from the oven and set them on the table. “Sit down and tell us everything. Dean, don’t swipe any more bacon until we’re all sitting.”

  “I’m gonna have to do a lot to work off pizza and all this.” Caleigh waved a hand at the biscuits, bacon, and eggs Edie was spooning onto their plates.

  “Let Gramp help you with that, honey,” Dean said with a smile. “When we’re done eating, I’ll let you mow my grass.”

  Edie sat with an expectant look. “What was Chantal like?”

  “She was actually very personable. She fell yesterday, went to the hospital, and she still joined us for dinner. I took a pizza to Blaze’s house after she told me what happened. I figured she didn’t want to leave Chantal alone,” Caleigh said.

  “You should’ve let me know,” Edie said with a frown. “I would’ve made a casserole for you to take over there.”

  “That’s very sweet, but I think the pizza did the trick.” Caleigh laughed. “Chantal and Ronnie really enjoyed it.”

  “What’re the girls like around her?” Edie asked.

  “They’re very kind to her.” Caleigh shook her head. “I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too much into what I observed, but I think Chantal is here to make amends.”

  “She better be,” Dean interjected seriously. “If she’s here to take advantage of those kids, Blaze is liable to put on that bunny suit and tune that woman up.”

  “Did Blaze say if she was willing to sit down and talk to me?” Edie asked.

  “I didn’t bring it up.” Caleigh shrugged as she spooned grape jelly onto her plate. “You know, it was the first date, and we were talking about all kinds of things. I kinda forgot to ask her.”

  “Did you behave your little wily self?” Dean asked.

  Caleigh grinned. “Yes, I did. I told her all about the cookie Grandma Del gave me and the dead turtle that I’ve kept for years because I’m weirdly sentimental, and she was so understanding. How great is my luck? I’ve wanted to meet someone like her for ages, and here she is.”

  Uh-huh,” Dean said with a nod. “Let me tell you about the recliner fiasco. I saw this chair in one of my fishing magazines. The ad said it was designed for tall men, had a special back support, and it was made out of material that stayed cool. The list went on. They made it sound like this chair would cure a terminal disease if you sat in it long enough. I ordered it, and when it got here, I put it together and hopped in it expecting to be in camouflage heaven. It was like sitting on an uneven boulder. The only thing that piece of shit would’ve cured was a decent posture. All I’m saying is sometimes the pretty picture is really
a pain in the ass and a backache in the making. I like Blaze, but before you get too excited, make sure she’s comfortable to sit on and she doesn’t pitch you across the room when you try to recline her.”

  “Your advice is much more interesting to hear in person than on the phone,” Caleigh said. “I’m so glad I moved here so I could have this experience.”

  “Now you’re just being a smart-ass.” Dean sliced open his biscuit and slapped some butter on it. “I don’t wanna hear no crying if she suddenly closes up on you and realigns your spine.”

  “I know y’all still see me as the baby, but I’m a grown woman with a lot of experience.” Caleigh held up a hand when Dean started to say something. “Not as a wily sailor. I’m sure y’all think I’m rolling full steam ahead with Blaze because I just want a relationship, but I’ve met a lot of women and none of them have ever had the magnetic pull she has on me. I know what I’m doing, so please don’t break out the old baby gates.”

  “You are so cute when you talk all big,” Dean cooed.

  *******

  Blaze spent her morning building a temporary ramp off her back porch, so she and Ronnie wouldn’t have to carry Chantal up and down the steps. Then she mowed her lawn and went over to her dad’s house and took care of his. Ronnie’s car was in the driveway when Blaze got home. When she went inside, she found Ronnie and Chantal seated at the kitchen table, and it was laden with several bags of chips, and half a dozen jars of dip. Ronnie gazed up at Blaze with salsa dripping down her chin. “Don’t judge me.”

  “I’m not, but you look like a vampire after a fresh feed,” Blaze said slowly. “What’s going on in here?”

  “Well, Blaze, let me tell you. We have decided to say we don’t give a shit about being the perfect weight to please everyone else.” Ronnie looked at Chantal. “We’ve deprived ourselves for too long, right?”