Blissfully Blindsided

by Robin Alexander

  “Thank you, but I feel as though I’m horrifying enough.” Chantal smiled. “Job well done, Caleigh.”

  Blaze looked disconcerted as she stared at Chantal. “Too well.”

  “I’m gonna go put on my costume.” Caleigh hopped up from where she was seated on the coffee table and rubbed Blaze’s white furry belly. “I’m so glad you decided to wear the bunny suit, and the devil horns you put on its head are a great touch. You’re so sexy. Chantal, don’t let Blaze leave this room. I don’t want her to see me until I’m ready.”

  “Okay.” Chantal watched Caleigh scamper up the stairs. “She must be really crazy about you if she thinks a blood-stained rabbit costume is sexy.”

  “It’s the dance I did for her when I put it on.” Blaze turned and bounced her butt, making the pink cottontail on the back of her suit wiggle.

  “At least both of you are deranged,” Chantal said with amusement.

  “I know. I’m so lucky.”

  “I’m amazed at how much candy you bought.” Chantal eyed the boxes stacked next to the front door. “Do you really have that many trick-or-treaters?”

  “Yes, and we’ll run out before the night is over.” Blaze opened a bag of candy and poured it into a large plastic caldron.

  “What’s in the brown paper bag?”

  Blaze’s grin was diabolical. “You’ll see. Don’t let Caleigh get into that bag if I’m not around. I told her she couldn’t look in it because she showed you the costume she was making and wouldn’t show me.”

  “It’s both creative and hysterical.” Chantal smiled. “You two seem very happy together.”

  “I honestly never expected to feel the way I do,” Blaze admitted as she sat on the arm of a chair. “It’s so strange. I’d hoped I would meet someone eventually that I’d want to share my life with, but I wasn’t looking when she came along. I had kinda given up because this had been a shitty year, and I’d been tapping into my reserves to stay sane. I didn’t feel like I had anything to give anyone. Then I encountered a little shoe hoarder on the side of the road one night with a flat tire. Though she was absolutely adorable, I really didn’t give her a second look because I was just so low. I never dreamed she was interested in me until Carey told me she’d heard that Caleigh thought I was attractive and interesting, and that shocked the crap out of me. Then Caleigh came to the store, we went to breakfast, and everything changed. I was blissfully blindsided. Hey, can you remember everything I just told you because I think that was pretty good?”

  Chantal’s demented clown brow furrowed. “I’ll do my best.”

  “Good, I may need you to recite it to me, so I can tell Caleigh how I feel. When I try to tell her what she means to me, my mind becomes a jumble.”

  “I’m so happy for you. It’s such a joy to watch you and Caleigh interact,” Chantal said with a smile.

  “I didn’t expect you to add to my life either, but you do.” When Blaze’s lip quivered, she grabbed her bunny head and put it on. Her voice was muffled when she said, “I hate being so damn emotional! Shit!”

  Chantal still smiled but fanned her face with both hands. “I can’t express how much what you just said means to me. I feel as though my life has truly just begun being here with you and Ronnie.”

  “I’m really happy to hear that, but don’t say anything else or I’m gonna drown in this head.”

  “Sandy Claws,” Caleigh announced as she appeared at the top of the stairs wearing what looked like a turtle shell she’d painted to look like the underside of a crab. Two large crab claws stuck out of the outfit beneath her armpits. She was wearing a Santa hat and red stockings on her legs. She descended the stairs with a big grin on her face. “I’m a mutant Santa crab, hence the name Sandy Claws, which I think is funny.” When she got to the bottom of the stairs, she realized that Blaze was sitting with her arms folded and her bunny head hanging low. Chantal had streaks in her makeup. Caleigh didn’t say another word; she simply walked into the kitchen and grabbed napkins from the holder on the table.

  *******

  Chantal, Blaze, and Caleigh sat in a row of chairs near the end of Blaze’s driveway passing out candy to a steady stream of trick-or-treaters. “This is so much fun,” Chantal said with a smile. “Who knew?”

  “You’ve never passed out candy on Halloween?” Caleigh asked.

  “No. I’ve never lived any place with this many children. I didn’t even trick or treat as a child.” Chantal chuckled as she dropped candy into the bag of a boy dressed as duckling. “So adorable.”

  “Do you want to try trick-or-treating now?” Caleigh asked excitedly. “I’ll go with you to a couple of the houses close by.”

  Chantal laughed. “Thank you, but I believe I’m well past the appropriate age.”

  “So what, you should do it.” Blaze waved a furry paw at Chantal’s scooter. “I bet you’d get loads of candy if you rolled up on that. I’d give you handfuls of candy because I appreciate when adults get in touch with their inner child.”

  “I’ve noticed that you’ve been giving out boxes to some of the children, what’s in them?” Chantal asked Blaze.

  “Yeah, what’s in that paper bag under your chair?” Caleigh poked Blaze with one of her crab claws. “You said you’d tell me.”

  Blaze reached into the bag and handed Chantal and Caleigh each a box. Chantal stared at hers and shook her head. “I don’t have my glasses on, what is it?”

  “It’s a prefilled enema,” Caleigh said between gasps of air as she laughed.

  “You’ve been giving children these?” Chantal asked aghast.

  “Only the rude ones,” Blaze said with a grin. “Nothing says you’ve been a shit better than that. Tuck that into the side of your chair for the next disrespectful brat that comes along.”

  “Brilliant, simply brilliant,” Chantal mused aloud with a laugh and hid the box.

  Caleigh continued to laugh and hid her face behind one of her crab claws when a group of small children approached.

  “What are you?” Chantal asked one of the little boys.

  “I’m a zombie, gaaaa,” the child retorted rudely.

  Blaze stopped Chantal when she reached for the enema and whispered, “He’s too young, quick draw.”

  “Right.” Chantal dropped only one piece of candy into the boy’s plastic pumpkin instead.

  “What’re you supposed to be?” Blaze asked as Rosie walked up without a costume with a girl her age and two small children.

  “Me and Ash are bored teenagers on chaperone duty for her little brothers.” She held out her bag. “Load me up, and please don’t give me a douche again.”

  “You’re in luck, enemas were cheaper this year.” Blaze dropped a huge handful of candy into Rosie’s bag as Chantal and Caleigh treated the other kids with equally as much. “What’s your mom doing?”

  “She and Mrs. Ortiz are drinking rum with apple cider in it and giving out candy.” Rosie grinned at Chantal. “Grandma, your makeup is the shi—stuff.”

  “Shistuff, is that a new word?” Caleigh asked teasingly.

  Rosie grinned. “Sometimes I stutter when I’ve had too much sugar.”

  “Hey, guess what.” Blaze pointed her paw at Chantal. “She’s never been trick or treating—ever. Help me to convince her she should go.”

  “Aw, come on, Grandma,” Rosie pleaded. “Come with us.”

  Chantal shook her head. “I can’t go very far on the scooter, and I would only slow you down.”

  “We won’t go far. Trevor and Louie are already tired. Come on, it’ll be fun. Please come with me,” Rosie begged. “Just a few houses.”

  “I don’t have a bag, therefore I can’t trick or treat,” Chantal argued.

  Blaze emptied the enemas from the bag beneath her chair and handed it to Chantal. “You do now, therefore you can go.”

  “Very well,” Chantal said with resignation, and Blaze helped her up and onto her scooter.

  “All right, you listen up, Rosie. Stay close to her at
all times. Don’t let her get in the grass, her scooter doesn’t do well in it. Don’t take her to any houses that don’t have a paved walk to where the candy is being given out. Keep your eyes open, and if anybody looks like they’re gonna run into her, you take them out or there’ll be a lot of this.” Blaze laughed as she gently smacked Rosie upside the head with her paw.

  “Okay,” Rosie said dryly. She moved close to Chantal and held up her phone. “Don’t smile for this picture, look mean.” Rosie snapped the photo of herself and Chantal. “Now smile for this one.”

  “Text me copies of those,” Blaze said and waved at the group as they started out. She sat next to Caleigh and sighed. “My neighbors better be sweet to her, or we’re going on a decoration decapitation mission later.”

  Caleigh grinned. “You can count on me.”

  “I’m sorry I was having another breakdown when you made your big entrance earlier.” Blaze gazed admiringly at Caleigh’s crab claws. “That costume is insanely ingenious.”

  “I wanted to do Santa Claws, a combo of Santa and Freddy Krueger, but that was beyond my skill set,” Caleigh said with disappointment. “The other day, someone at work emailed everybody a picture of a crab on a beach wearing a little Santa hat, and they called it Sandy Claws. I was inspired. I wish I’d had more time to modify my turtle shell and make it look more like a crab.”

  “I love the way your brain works. Hey! I was telling Chantal how I feel about you earlier, and I formed whole sentences. Now that I’m sitting here looking at you, I can’t remember any of them.” Blaze chewed her lip as she thought. “You know what, you’re like a first orgasm. It feels so amazing you can only form words like ‘whoa, damn, and oh.’”

  Caleigh cracked up. “Good try, babe.”

  “What’re you, an old hairy woman?”

  Blaze tore her gaze from Caleigh and stared up at two teenagers. “I’m a devil bunny. I just don’t have my head on right now.” Blaze bent over and grabbed a handful of candy from her plastic caldron at the same time she grabbed an enema. She deftly dropped both into the kid’s bag without him noticing the box.

  Caleigh dropped some candy into the other kid’s bag and watched them walk away. “You were so stealthy with that. Now I know how to do it. I can’t wait for the next brat!”

  Blaze shook her head slowly as she gazed at Caleigh. “You are so awesome. I want to kiss you, but I’m not gonna go all interspecies in front of the kids. Later, though, I’m taking you into my bunny hutch, and I’m gonna get into that crab shell with you.”

  “Oh, how I have dreamed of that scenario,” Caleigh said with a dramatic sigh. “But, babe, your fur stinks, and I’ve got a strap wedged in my ass crack. I think I’m chafing.”

  *******

  “Caleigh was very sweet to drive Rosie home,” Chantal said wearily when Blaze helped her take a seat on the couch. “I didn’t like the looks of some of the older kids who were roaming the street after the little ones turned in.”

  “Yeah, and a lot of them are armed with enemas.” Blaze poured out Chantal’s bag of candy on the coffee table. “Would you look at your haul? I told you you’d rack up with that scooter. Don’t get rid of it when you’re on two feet. We’ll take it out again next year.”

  “I noticed a house for sale just a little over a block down, and it was adorable. I had Rosie take a picture of the sign out front, and I’m going to give the real estate agent a call—why do you look like that?” Chantal asked when she noticed Blaze’s frown. “A block away is too close, isn’t it?”

  “It’s not that. You’re not ready to be on your own.”

  “Well, I could still buy the place if I like it. If renovations are necessary, I could go ahead and have them made.” Chantal watched Blaze sit on the other end of the sofa. “You’re still not happy.”

  “This is a big house. We could renovate it and put a private bath in your bedroom.”

  Chantal smiled warmly. “I can’t stay here. You and Caleigh are obviously falling for each other if you haven’t already. I feel certain that she’ll officially move in with you very soon. You need privacy. You don’t always want me hearing you two fooling around and laughing until all hours of the night.”

  “I thought we were being quiet,” Blaze said as her face reddened.

  “It’s the laughter mainly. I hear moaning, then laughing, then moaning.” Chantal smiled. “I don’t mean to be too personal, but I often lie awake wondering what the hell you two are doing in there. Sex must really amuse you both.”

  Blaze averted her gaze. “So getting back to the house…If you like it and you wanna buy it, that’ll be great. You can’t move into it until you’re on both feet, though.”

  “Okay.” Chantal folded and unfolded her hands a couple of times before she said, “At best, I hoped you two would give me the chance to explain why I left when I came back here. I’m still in awe that you not only opened your home to me, but took such excellent care of me, even though I didn’t take care of you and Ronnie.”

  “You had depression and—”

  “No,” Chantal interjected firmly. “I can’t allow you to make excuses for me. I wanted to explain why I left, but I can’t be excused for what I did. We have to be honest about that.”

  Blaze nodded. “I can appreciate your attitude, but I think we need to lay all that to rest. What good does it do if we keep going back and examining it? You’re here, you apologized, and you’ve been doing some really great things for me and Ronnie. You’ve been a mom, and I’m enjoying it. I do want to point out that when we have conversations like this, you’re gonna have to wear that makeup. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m emotional, but your disturbing clown face is keeping me from being weepy at the moment.”

  “I forgot I still look like that,” Chantal said and looked even more deranged as she started to laugh.

  “You’re even scarier now.”

  “You know, Ronnie mas mentioned often that Rosie is a smaller version of you. I had a wonderful time with her tonight, she’s a lovely child, but I felt as though she gave me a glimpse of you at that age.” Chantal sighed. “It was a bittersweet experience.”

  “If it makes you feel better, she’s smarter than I ever was at that age. At the cusp of thirteen, my only goal was to liberate a horseshoe that had grown into a tree,” Blaze said with a laugh. “The house you were talking about, is it the one with a big porch and gray shutters?”

  “It did have a big porch and a beautiful lawn.”

  “I know which one that is. When you’re on your feet, you can exercise by walking here for dinner.” Blaze’s eyes opened wide. “You’ll need a car, do you have one?”

  “No, I rarely ever drove when I lived in California. My last husband, Patrick, loved to drive, so I never really had to. I should look into getting a car.”

  Blaze cocked her head. “I don’t know much about your life in California. How long have you and Patrick been divorced?”

  “We didn’t divorce. One evening, we were on our favorite hill watching the sunset, and I gave him a little push. That was much easier than hiring an attorney and signing mounds of paperwork.”

  “I am so waiting for you to laugh and tell me you’re joking,” Blaze said with a lopsided smile.

  “That was a sick joke, but it’s one Patrick made often. He had cancer and a wicked sense of humor. We were quite happy together until he died.”

  “I’m so sorry I made you talk about that,” Blaze said sincerely.

  “He died two years and four months ago, and he would be so proud of me right now.” Chantal smiled somberly. “He wouldn’t allow me to avoid topics of conversation that I wasn’t comfortable with. Patrick had a way of getting me to admit things I didn’t want to face. He had an annoying habit of relentlessly prodding. He was the first person I opened up to and admitted all the things in my past. If not for him, I don’t know if I would’ve had the courage to come here again and face you and Ronnie. I think you would’ve liked him.”

  “Wa
s he younger than me?” Blaze joked, hoping to lessen the pain she heard in Chantal’s voice, and was pleased when Chantal laughed.

  “Although I did dally with younger men, I would never marry one of them. They were fun but too much work.”

  “Where are you from originally?” Blaze asked. “I don’t even know that.”

  “I was born in Longton, Kansas. It was a very small town. I’ve never been back since the day my aunt and uncle took me away from there.”

  “Did you ever speak to your mom after that?”

  “No. The day Aunt Laurel left with me, my mother told her she had plans to return to their hometown, which was right outside of Louisville, Kentucky. Aunt Laurel called family there, but no one had seen her, and my mother never contacted her again. I don’t think my mother wanted to be found, and that’s why I’ve never searched for her.” Chantal sighed. “I hope she made a new life for herself and that it was a happy one like I had with my aunt and uncle.”

  “Snarl or stick out your tongue. Make yourself scary, I feel emotion coming,” Blaze said and inhaled sharply.

  “I think I can still turn my eyelids inside out. Will that help?”

  Blaze looked away. “Just the mention of that fixed me.”

  The back door slammed, and Caleigh walked briskly into the living room with her crab claws bouncing up and down. “I just had the most bizarre experience. Rosie and I were talking to Ronnie in their backyard and where Ronnie had her booze stashed. She was completely plastered. A hot flash hit her, and she took off not only her shirt, but her bra too. I looked away, but I could hear Rosie saying, ‘Don’t do that, the neighbors can see into our yard from their second floor.’ Then I heard hysterical laughter, but it was moving away from me. I turn around, and Ronnie is stark naked running through the yard waving her hands over her head.”

  “She did not,” Blaze said incredulously.

  “Oh, yes, she did,” Caleigh said with an emphatic nod. “Blaze, y’all have the same body, except Ronnie’s is longer. It was so bizarre watching your bare ass on the run. Rosie was worried Ronnie was going to fall and hurt herself, so she went inside and grabbed a towel, and we chased her. She was committed to this streaking thing because she was fast and dodged us so easily.”