Dingus

by Andrew Larsen

  “What?” I said, turning around.

  “Dinner,” he said. “We have lots to celebrate. We found Rupert. Mom is coming back tomorrow.”

  “Mama!” called Sam from the hallway, where he and Rupert were playing with Mondo.

  “But we never go out for dinner,” I said. “You always say it’s a waste of money, and that it’s better to eat at home.”

  “Well, I guess I don’t often feel the way I feel right now,” he said. “I’m proud of you kids. You worked together and you found Rupert.”

  “Where do you want to go?” I asked.

  “Pizza?” Dad suggested.

  “Really?” I said, not believing this was really happening. “Pizza? In a restaurant? You, me and Sam?”

  “You, me and Sam,” he said. “We can go to Zeke’s Italian Pizza.”

  “YES, PLEASE!” I said. “Can I order root beer, too?”

  “You can order anything you want,” he said.

  This was good. This was very good. I could hardly wait to see what Dad was going to do next.

  “Can I write an email to Mom before we go?” I asked. “I want to tell her what’s going on.”

  “Sure,” he said.

  “Do you want to help me write an email to Mama?” I called to Sam. “Do you want to tell her something?”

  “MAMA! MAMA!” said Sam, toddling into the living room. “Hi, Mama!”

  “Sit up here on my lap,” I said, lifting Sam.

  We stared at the blank screen.

  “What should I write first?” I asked Sam.

  “Hi, Mama,” he said.

  from: Henry <9999Henry9999@jmail.com>

  to: Mom

  subject: hi

  Hi Mama,

  This email is from me and Sam.

  Hi,

  You won’t believe what’s been happening around here. It’s been crazy. Dodosajdojaojoj. That was Sam. We slept in a tent in Poppy’s backyard last night. Then today Rupert came to stay with us while Poppy goes camping with his friends. We lost Rupert in the park. Then we found him. Actually it was me and Sam who found him. Sdafasfads. That was Sam again. I think Dad is really really happy that we found him because we’re going out to celebrate with pizza at Zeke’s. I can’t believe it. I think I’m going to order Hawaiian pizza. I had it at Max’s birthday party and it was really good.

  I’ll tell you all about everything when you come home tomorrow. I hope you don’t have to go to another conference for a long time. If you do, though, Dad and Sam and I are pretty good at taking care of each other.

  Dad’s calling. We have to go.

  Kiss kiss. That was from Sam.

  See you tomorrow.

  Love,

  Henry and Sam

  “Let’s go, kids,” called Dad. “Who’s hungry?”

  I pressed Send.

  We left Rupert in the apartment with a full bowl of food and plenty of water. And guess who I saw as we were walking down the street? Gretchen Thorn. Again. She was with Dijon; Mr. Buntrock’s bulldog, Winston; and a new dog. It looked like a Chihuahua or something.

  “That’s five,” she said.

  “Who’s your new friend?” I asked, pointing to the Chihuahua.

  “Oh, this is Rocky,” said Gretchen.

  “Rocky?” I said. “That’s hilarious! He’s so tiny.”

  “Shhh,” she said. “He’s sensitive. He doesn’t like it when people talk about his size. Hey, where’s Rupert?”

  “Woopah home,” said Sam.

  “I could walk him if you want,” she said. “I’m getting new customers all the time. My rates are very reasonable. I don’t just walk your dog. I talk to your dog and show him around. Or her. I take the dogs on adventures.”

  “I think we’re good,” said Dad. “Rupert has had enough adventure for one day. But thanks.”

  “We’re going out for pizza,” I said, as though it was something we did all the time. “We’re going to Zeke’s. You can’t take a dog to a restaurant.”

  “PIZZA!” said Sam.

  “I love Zeke’s! You’re lucky,” said Gretchen.

  I was pretty lucky. Rupert was safe and sound at home. Mom would be home from Las Vegas soon. It wouldn’t be too long before Max was home from camp. Then we could have our movie night. Best of all, I was about to eat Hawaiian pizza at Zeke’s Italian.

  44

  The pizza was wicked. Hawaiian pizza is the perfect combination of sweet and salty. It’s got tomato, cheese, ham and pineapple. At Zeke’s it also has bacon. I love bacon! Sam and Dad and I ate the whole thing. We also drank a whole jug full of root beer. There was no burping this time, though. We were in a restaurant.

  After we got back from Zeke’s we took Rupert out for a little walk. When we got back I checked the computer to see if Max had answered my last email. I wanted to know if he wanted to go camping in Poppy’s backyard when he got home from Camp Kanakwa.

  There was nothing from Max, but there was an email from my mom.

  from: Rose

  to: Henry <9999Henry9999@jmail.com>

  subject: one more sleep

  Dear Henry and Sam,

  I was so happy to find your email when I got back to my room after today’s seminars. I’ve learned so much while I’ve been here. I only have a moment to write to you because I have to get ready for the closing night party. I’m going to get all dressed up. The conference has been a big success.

  It sounds like you’re having a good time on your staycation. I’m so pleased that you and Sam and Daddy are taking such good care of one another.

  What a good thing that you found Rupert! And I can’t believe you’re going to Zeke’s. Lucky you!

  One more sleep, my darling boys, and then I’ll be home.

  I can hardly wait to cover you with kisses and smother you with hugs.

  Love,

  Mommy

  P.S. This is for Henry’s eyes only. Don’t read this out loud to your brother! I got Sam the cutest Elvis bobblehead. I got you a little something, too, but I’m going keep it a secret until I see you tomorrow.

  45

  When I woke up the next morning, Sam was sitting on the floor in my room, flipping through one of my dinosaur books. He was moving his lips like he was actually reading.

  “Hi, Sam,” I said. “What are you looking at?”

  “Big dino!” he said.

  “Do you know what today is?” I asked.

  Sam just looked at me. He obviously had no idea.

  “Dinoday?” he said.

  “Today is Thursday,” I said. “Mom comes home today.”

  “Mama!” he said. “Mamaday!”

  “I think she might even bring you a present from Las Vegas,” I said.

  “Is that you, kids?” called Dad from my parents’ room. “Are you awake?”

  “Yes!”

  “Should I make pancakes?”

  “Yeth!” said Sam.

  Rupert came trotting into my room.

  “Hey, buddy,” I said.

  “Woopah!” said Sam.

  Rupert wagged his tail and licked Sam’s cheek. Then he turned and looked at me. He stood and readied himself to jump up onto the bed. He took a few little half-jumps but didn’t seem sure of himself. He needed to get psyched.

  “Come on, Rupert,” I said, patting my bed and trying to convince him to make the leap. “You can do it!”

  Rupert finally jumped up and onto the bed. He lay down with his head on my pillow.

  “Hey, Dad?” I called out. “I have an idea of what we should do for our staycation today.”

  “Let’s talk about it over breakfast,” he said.

  The pancakes were swimming in a sea of maple syrup. Dad put some blueberries and strawberries in a b
owl in the middle of the table. I put a bunch of them on my plate and dipped them into the sea of syrup.

  His ears up and his eyes wide open, Rupert sat under the table while we ate, ready to gobble up anything that dropped onto the floor. He’s smart. He knows to stay close to Sam because Sam usually gets only half his food into his mouth. The rest falls on the floor.

  “What’s your idea?” Dad asked.

  “So,” I said. “You know how Mom is coming home today?”

  “I do,” said Dad.

  “I thought maybe we could have a little party for her,” I said. “Remember how you said that Las Vegas is full of people pretending to be Elvis?”

  “Elbith!” said Sam.

  “Well,” I continued, “I thought we could have some Elvis sandwiches and maybe go and get Mom an Elvis Presley record from the vintage record store on Park Street. We could play it on Mom’s old record player while we’re having Elvis sandwiches. What do you think?”

  “A theme party?” said Dad.

  “A Welcome Home from Las Vegas Elvis Presley Theme Party,” I said. “It will be fun. She’ll be surprised.”

  “You’re right about that,” said Dad. “But Mom doesn’t like surprise parties.”

  “But this will be different,” I said. “It will be just us.”

  “True enough,” said Dad.

  “And remember how you said that when you’re on a staycation you don’t do the same things you usually do?” I said.

  “Yes.”

  “This is something different,” I said. “It’s not every day that Mom comes back from a conference in Las Vegas. We should celebrate! Don’t you think?”

  “I do.”

  “So?” I said. “Can we have a party?”

  “Sure.”

  “YETH!” shrieked Sam.

  “What should we do to get ready?” I asked

  “Let’s make a list,” he said.

  Things to Do for Mom’s Welcome Home from Las Vegas Elvis Presley Theme Party:

  1. Buy Elvis Presley record

  2. Get bread for sandwiches

  3. Get Mom’s record player and set it up in the living room

  4. Make decorations

  5. Make sandwiches

  6. Clean apartment

  46

  It wasn’t on the list, but the first thing we did before we did anything else was take Rupert out for a walk. Dad held on to Rupert’s leash. I was happy to push Sam in his stroller.

  When you’re out walking with a dog, you notice things. Like, for instance, you notice how many places there are for dogs to stop and sniff. You notice how many other dogs are out there, walking around and sniffing. There are tons of them. You notice how most people smile when they see your dog. You also notice how many people want to stop and talk to you about your dog. They want to know his name, how old he is and what type of dog he is. It’s never boring.

  I took Sam to the swings while Dad walked around with Rupert so Rupert could do his sniffing. Dad talked with some other dog owners. Rupert sniffed some other dogs. Finally, after Rupert found the perfect place to do his business, we all went home. I gave Rupert one of his chewy treats and made sure his water bowl was filled, and then Sam, Dad and I headed down to Park Street.

  The record store is called Sonic Boom. Walking into the store was like walking into an alternate universe. Music was playing really loud. Dad said the woman who was singing was named Carmen Miranda and that she was from Brazil. She’d made records long before Elvis. She used to wear fruit on her head. Weird, right? But the song she was singing was really good:

  Chica chica boom chica chica boom chica chica boom …

  The wooden floors were old and creaky. The walls were covered with cool posters and old mirrors and other random things. A bunch of people stood around the counter, talking with the guy behind the cash. He had tattoos all over his arms.

  The records were in wooden bins and there were rows and rows and rows of them.

  “Here we go — rock and roll,” said Dad, looking through the records.

  “Elbith!” said Sam. “Wock and woll!”

  The guys at the counter looked over at us and started laughing.

  “Little dude’s an Elvis fan!” one of them said.

  “Here it is,” said Dad, victorious. He was holding a record called Viva Las Vegas. Elvis Presley was on the cover, wearing an orange racing suit and holding an orange helmet. “This is the record we want.”

  “Cool,” said the guy behind the counter when Dad went up to pay for the record. “You have good taste, man.”

  “Your taste isn’t too bad, either,” said Dad. “I love Carmen Miranda.”

  “Nice one, Dad,” I said, a little embarrassed by my dad trying to act cooler than he really is.

  ....

  “What do you think, kids? Should I get a tattoo?” asked Dad as we walked out of the store and back onto Park Street. “Would that make me even cooler?”

  “What kind of tattoo would you get?” I said.

  “Elvis?” he said.

  “Woopah!” said Sam.

  “Mom?” I suggested.

  “Mama!” said Sam.

  We stopped at the store to get some bread for the Elvis sandwiches. When we got home, Rupert was sleeping under the kitchen table. He got up and had a big stretch. Then he gave himself a good shake. I offered him a treat.

  “Good boy!” I said, refilling his water bowl.

  We went down to our storage locker in the basement to get Mom’s old record player. The locker is actually more like a big cupboard in a big room full of other cupboards. It’s piled full of boxes and other random things. Whenever we go down to look for something we seem to find something else.

  “How come there are so many boxes marked BOOKS?” I asked.

  “I used to go to university,” said Dad. “I used to read a lot. I’ve read every one of those books.”

  “How come you still have them?” I asked. “You’re not in university anymore.”

  “Maybe I’ll read them again someday,” he said. “Or maybe you will. You never know.”

  I wondered if there were any interesting old books in there to add to my collection.

  Dad moved a few boxes to one side and pulled out Mom’s old record player. It looked like an old leather suitcase. We saw some of her records but we left them. We already had the record we were going to play.

  47

  Back upstairs, I made a big sign with markers:

  Welcome Home Mom!

  Then I made another:

  Viva Las Vegas!

  And one more for good luck:

  Elvis!

  After we put up the signs in the living room, Dad blew up some balloons we had left over from Sam’s first birthday party a few months ago. Dad rubbed the balloons in his hair to make static electricity. It made his hair stick up and it made the balloons stick to the wall.

  Dad tossed a balloon to Sam.

  Sam hit it back to him.

  Rupert barked.

  “Woopah!” barked Sam. “No!”

  Rupert stopped.

  I was impressed.

  Dad and I started putting things away in the living room. It had been almost a week, and to be honest the apartment was a bit of a disaster. There were toys and books and comics and newspapers and all kinds of things everywhere.

  After tidying up, I went into my room with Sam. It wasn’t as bad as the living room, but it was still pretty messy. I made my bed and put my things away.

  Dad put the Elvis sandwiches together so they’d be ready to fry when Mom got home. Then he swept the kitchen floor and did the dishes.

  Everything was spotless. That’s what Dad said. Finally, we were ready. It was good timing because that’s exactly when the phone rang.

  “Hi,
honey,” Dad answered, smiling. “All right, we’ll see you soon. Okay, we will. Love you, too.”

  He hung up the phone, and his smile was even brighter.

  “Mama?” said Sam.

  “Mama’s on her way from the airport,” said Dad. “Let’s get this party started, kids!”

  “But she isn’t here yet,” I said.

  “She’s the guest of honor,” he said. “We have to get the party started so it’s in full swing when she gets here.”

  “When will she get here?” I asked.

  “Soon,” he said. “She’s getting a taxi from the airport.”

  Dad brought Mom’s record player into the living room, put it on the table by the couch and plugged it in. He opened the top and admired it.

  “I love these old record players,” he said.

  I scooted to the kitchen to get the Elvis Presley record from the kitchen table for Dad. He took the record out of its cardboard cover, put it on the turntable and carefully placed the needle on its surface. At first you could only hear a crackle and a hiss, but then the music started. You could hear a guitar playing. And there were bongo drums. Elvis started singing, and it wasn’t long before he sang the words we’d been waiting for:

  Viva Las Vegas! Viva Las Vegas!

  “Biba Lath Begath!” Sam sang along as he jumped around. “Biba Lath Begath!”

  When the song ended Dad did a search online to find a clip he wanted to show us. It was Elvis Presley singing the song. It’s from a movie that was made before Dad was even born. It was cool to see Elvis sing and to see the way he danced. He had a certain way of shaking his body. Sam did a perfect impersonation of Elvis. It was hilarious.

  Dad kept playing the same song over and over and over again:

  Viva Las Vegas! Viva Las Vegas!

  Sam kept doing his little Elvis dance. Soon we were all dancing like Elvis. We were jumping and dancing around when Rupert started to bark.

  At first I though Rupert was barking because of the music and the dancing. Then I saw the real reason he was barking …

  Mom!

  48

  “Well, well, well,” said Mom. She was standing at the front door, watching us and petting Rupert. His tail was wagging. He was very excited to see her. “What have we here, boys?”