He remembered the hug. He remembered Spencer telling him, so softly, that he was in love with him. He remembered saying it back.
The fact that it was coming back to bite them, so soon, hurt.
“So, what’s the plan?” Jesse asked. He needed to know what Spencer was thinking, whether or not he had any idea how to deal with this. Spencer knew both Watts and the college better than he did by a long way.
“Start looking for a new job.” Spencer shrugged. “At least, that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve got a head start and I’m going to make the most of it. I’ll bet Watts goes to HR by the end of the day.”
Jesse’s heart sank. Spencer was just giving up? He’d never seemed like a quitter before.
“You can’t just lie down and take it,” Jesse said. “It’s a stupid policy. We met before we were working together. It hasn’t affected our work.”
“Hasn’t it?” Spencer looked at him. “Students have noticed, too. It’s not as though Watts is alone in this. The college will say it’s causing a distraction. They’ll notice that at the beginning of semester I was always out of the office when you were giving a lecture. It has affected our work. Not badly, but that isn’t going to matter.”
Jesse felt that Spencer was blowing things out of proportion, but he also realized that the prospect of not having a job he loved anymore was hanging over his head.
From what he knew of Spencer, he seemed to have the experience and qualifications to get a job at just about any college, but he liked this one. He’d done his PhD here, and it was his home.
Besides, this was all Jesse’s fault. If he hadn’t pushed, if he’d just left Spencer alone when they realized they couldn’t be together, none of this would have happened.
Of course they’d gotten caught. It had only ever been a matter of time, and he’d been stupid to think otherwise.
Spencer deserved better than him. He deserved someone who wouldn’t ruin his life like this.
No amount of loving him could make up for potentially ruining his career. Jesse could see that now, though it was much too late.
“No, you’re right. I just thought maybe there’d be something we could do.”
“I wish there was,” Spencer said, defeated. Jesse wanted to hold him again, but guilt stopped him. He’d already done so much damage to Spencer’s life. Spencer wouldn’t want to be touched by him right now.
Jesse opened his mouth to say I love you, but thought better of it. He didn’t need to cause any more pain or remind Spencer how they’d gotten into this mess.
He did love Spencer, but he was starting to think this was one of those times where he had to let someone he loved go.
Spencer would be better off without him going forward. Jesse would only keep screwing up his life, keep being in the way of his dreams. Maybe he could still fix this, though he wasn’t entirely sure how, yet.
He was sure, though, that it would mean giving Spencer up. But if that meant that he could repair even a little of the damage he’d caused, he’d do it.
He’d never deserved someone like Spencer anyway, so this was just the universe setting everything back to the way it should have been.
The two of them sat in silence for long moments. Eventually, Spencer handed Jesse’s water bottle back to him, empty.
“Sorry,” he said.
“It’s just water,” Jesse responded.
“I’m sorry about a lot more than the water.” Spencer wet his lips.
“I know.” Jesse sighed. He didn’t want Spencer to be sorry. “But you don’t need to be.”
None of this was Spencer’s fault. He’d been the one warning Jesse about the risks the whole time. Jesse had ignored them, because the connection he felt to Spencer was so important to him.
Spencer didn’t respond, but Jesse could still feel the worry rolling off him. Thankfully, it was nearly time to go home for the day. Spencer needed the break.
He wanted to invite Spencer to come back with him, to come and hide under the blankets and forget the rest of the world existed until tomorrow, but he didn’t have the heart for it. He was going to lose Spencer now, anyway. Spencer would come to hate him for this, even if he didn’t hate him now. Getting it over with quickly seemed like it would be less painful in the long run.
Jesse was going to miss him more than he could even express to himself. Spencer had been the best thing that ever happened to him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Spencer’s stomach was in knots. The uncomfortable seats outside the on-campus Human Resources office were forcing him to shift every few minutes to get comfortable. Watts, true to his word, had gone to HR within a day of warning Spencer that he would. Spencer and Jesse had both been summoned by a vague, ominous email for an appointment in a few days’ time.
That appointment had now arrived, and Spencer wasn’t sure he’d ever been so nervous in his life. This was the day he was losing the only job he’d had after he finished school. The future was stretching wide open in front of him, and he had no idea which way to turn.
Worse, Jesse had been silent and distant over the last few days. Spencer suspected that he was mad about the fact that he was about to lose his job, too, and if Spencer hadn’t encouraged him, none of this would be happening.
So now, he was afraid of losing his job and afraid of losing Jesse. The first, he was starting to tell himself he could do without. He’d go quietly if they could keep the reasons for his departure to himself, let him finish the semester before leaving. That was the deal Spencer intended to push for. It wasn’t fair on his students to do anything else.
Jesse, though… he’d gotten into this mess because of Jesse, but he’d done it because it had seemed worth the risk. The thing was, it still seemed worth the risk. He’d felt an instant connection with him, and that had only grown over the time they’d known each other.
They loved the same books and movies, had compatible senses of humor, and just clicked together. Jesse was everything he’d fantasized about in a partner.
Spencer wanted to keep Jesse. If he was going to walk away from today with his career up in the air, he at least wanted someone to snuggle up with later.
Ms. Williams—head of HR—opened the door to her office and silently beckoned the two of them inside. Spencer stood on shaky legs, wanting to reach out to Jesse for support, but knowing what a bad idea that was.
They both sat in front of the desk, not looking at each other. Spencer was, honestly, more concerned that he’d upset Jesse than he was about the prospect of being fired on the spot. That was a surprise in some ways, but expected in others.
He loved Jesse. He loved his job, too, but there were other jobs he could love. There was only one Jesse.
“I take it you both know why you’re here?” Ms. Williams—Anna—asked. Spencer wasn’t sure if he should call her Anna in this situation. They’d always had a pleasant acquaintance before, but now he was in trouble.
He felt like he was back in high school again and the principal was about to tell him that if he wanted to stop being bullied, he had to make more of an effort to fit in. That was what this was like. He was being bullied by another member of staff, and it was somehow all his fault.
Obviously, he’d been doing something against the rules, but it was only a problem if it came to the attention of someone with the authority to do something about it. It wasn’t as though Spencer had been stealing office supplies. He’d been engaging in a relationship with another consenting adult.
The fact that they shared an office now was just bad luck.
“We know,” Spencer said, glancing at Jesse. “We know what you’ve heard, and I just want to say-”
“Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like to go first,” Jesse said.
It was the first he’d spoken to Spencer all day, so Spencer wasn’t inclined to refuse the request. “Of course.”
“Thanks.” Jesse cleared his throat. “I’m aware of the story Professor Watts has told you, and I’d like to set the record strai
ght. Before semester started, Spencer and I met and began a relationship. I’m not denying that we were, at one point, together. However, as of right now, there is no relationship. We’re not together anymore, and we don’t have any intention of getting back together, either. We remain good friends, friends with a romantic history. That’s all.”
Anna looked to Spencer. “Is that true?”
Spencer blinked for a moment, then realized he needed to give an answer. “Uh, yes. That’s approximately what I wanted to say,” he lied. He wasn’t sure why Jesse had decided to tell an outright untruth—he’d never heard Jesse being anything less than completely honest before now—but he wasn’t going to contradict him now and make it obvious that he wasn't telling the truth. That would make him as bad as Watts.
Betraying another person for no reason was, as far as Spencer was concerned, the worst thing a human being could do. The heart of all the worst of humanity’s actions was betrayal.
Anna looked at each of them, considering. “Okay. Well. If there's no relationship going on, that makes my life easier. Punishing or firing either of you would have been a PR nightmare if word got out.”
“Because I'm gay,” Spencer said out loud as he realized. For once in his life, that had worked as a shield for him. Normally, he expected his sexuality to get in his way.
At least there was a silver lining. It was a crappy, flimsy silver lining, the kind you got on souvenir teaspoons, but Spencer needed all the positives he could get today.
Despite the fact that it looked as though they were going to get away with what they’d done, his stomach was still in knots.
“Yes,” Anna said, clearly unashamed. “It’s not a good look to make the first time we ever actually enforce the rule be when it concerns a relationship between two men. So. We’re happy to forget about this if you are, as long as we don’t get any further complaints. Doctor Scott will be moved to a different office to keep all parties happy. Does that sound fair to you, gentlemen?”
“Yes,” Jesse said eagerly. “More than fair. Thank you for your fair-mindedness.”
Spencer was speechless. He’d built this moment up in his mind as the end of his career—the end of his life as he knew it—and it was all going away because the college couldn’t be bothered sticking to their own rules? Because they might face a little backlash from it?
He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved that he was getting away with it or shocked at the hypocrisy.
In either case, this had been a life-changing experience. His life as he knew it was over, irrevocably different from the way it had been before.
He’d realized that he loved Jesse more than he loved his job—his dream job, the only job he’d ever really wanted.
That was huge.
“Then as long as I don’t hear anything about this again, you two are free to go, and this meeting will not appear in your employee records,” Anna said.
Jesse stood before Spencer was done absorbing everything that had just happened. Not wanting to be left in the office on his own, Spencer trailed out after him, following him like a lost puppy until they were outside, walking across the courtyard.
He had to say something to Jesse. He had to thank him, and tell him how he felt. How he really felt. That Jesse was the most important thing in the world to him, and he’d do anything to keep him.
“You didn’t have to lie in there. I was ready to accept the consequences,” Spencer said.
“Well, I wasn’t,” Jesse said. “Mine, sure. For me, this is just a temporary job. Something to do while I figure out what I really want to do. But for you, this is your life.”
“I…” Spencer trailed off, not sure how to phrase what he’d just realized. Would it be too much? They’d been dating for less than a whole semester. Not even three months.
He knew how he felt, and he was sure of it, but he didn’t want to scare Jesse by saying so.
“So, I wasn’t lying,” Jesse said. “This was a wakeup call for both of us. I care a lot about you, Spence. Too much to put your future at risk just so I can keep you. I’m not gonna keep doing it.”
Spencer’s stomach dropped. Was… was Jesse breaking up with him?
Jesse was breaking up with him.
After everything, after getting through the worst thing that could have happened, he was still losing the one thing he really hadn’t wanted to lose.
If people had soulmates, Jesse was his. They’d met at the worst possible time, but they hadn’t let that stop them.
The idea of losing him now was unbearable. Spencer’s throat closed up, his heart pounding in his ears.
“But-”
“No,” Jesse said. “Seriously, no. This is so hard for me and I need you to respect me enough to accept that I’ve made my decision. I won’t put you in this position again. We got so lucky just now, and I’m not gonna push it.”
Spencer opened his mouth to say I love you, but it felt too much like emotional blackmail. It was one thing for Spencer to be okay with risking his career, but he did understand why Jesse wouldn’t want to be the one putting it at risk.
He’d been afraid Jesse would hate him for the same thing, and for Jesse, this was temporary.
Spencer couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t grow to resent Jesse, eventually, if being with him cost him his career. He wanted to believe that he could, but he knew better.
Jesse was right. If Spencer really did love him, then he had to let him go. He had to respect that Jesse had come to a decision about them, and that trying to convince otherwise wasn’t fair to either of them.
“Okay,” Spencer said, his voice breaking. “Okay,” he tried again, managing a little more conviction the second time.
“I don’t regret anything,” Jesse said. “Not for a second.”
“Me neither.” Spencer swallowed. He could get through this without crying. The last thing he wanted was to start crying in public.
“Good.” Jesse smiled a tiny, sad smile. “I’ll see you around, then.”
He stepped away, leaving Spencer aching to follow him. Instead, he waved as Jesse turned, biting his lip when Jesse waved back.
Spencer couldn’t watch Jesse walking away from him, so he turned to head back to his office. His office alone, now.
This was the worst day of his life.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Two days after he’d broken up with Spencer, Jesse was still exactly as miserable as he had been two minutes after.
Not putting Spencer’s job—his career, his life—at risk was the right thing to do. Jesse knew that. He knew that he couldn’t risk ruining Spencer’s life for him, no matter how much he wanted them to be together. No matter how much he loved him.
That was the problem, really. Jesse was in love with Spencer. He was in love with him like he’d never been in love before.
Being without him hurt, dammit. But while being with him put him at risk of getting in serious trouble, losing his shot at tenure, losing the career and the life he’d worked so hard for, Jesse couldn’t be with him.
If Spencer came to hate him because he’d had to give all that up to be with him, Jesse would never have forgiven himself.
That didn’t stop him dwelling on how much he wanted Spencer to be with him right now, though. As he curled up in bed, hoping that he’d feel a little better in the morning, he couldn’t help wishing that Spencer was there beside him. The bed felt too big, too empty, too cold.
Jesse grabbed his phone from the bedside table, opening up his last text conversation with Spencer. He wanted to say something. Anything. He wanted to feel as though Spencer was still a part of his life. It was always a lie when people said they’d stay friends. Jesse had enough life experience to know that.
He would have given anything to stay friends with Spencer, though, and even more to stay lovers.
There was no point in bothering Spencer. He’d be hurting, too. Jesse had seen the look on his face when they’d broken up. It had been the worst part, knowing that Sp
encer still wanted him, that he obviously still thought Jesse was a risk worth taking. Even after everything.
Jesse rolled over, facing the empty side of the bed. He reached out, splaying his hand in the middle of the mattress, closing his eyes and picturing Spencer there, exhausted and dozing off, smiling a tiny, content smile at him.
That hurt even more, but it was a good pain. The right choices were often the hardest ones.
Jesse knew he was doing what was best for both of them because of the hollowness in his chest, the fact that he wanted to cry but couldn’t summon the energy to do so. He’d never been good at mourning.
He would have given anything for things to have worked out differently, but he didn’t have anything to give.
Except.
The thought woke him from the half-sleep he’d fallen into. There was a way to get around this. A way to protect Spencer’s future as well as his own, a way to move forward and be together—as long as Spencer wasn’t too mad at him to continue.
All he had to do was quit.
Quit a job he didn’t really like, a job that wasn’t his calling, and he could have the most important person in the world to him back without being afraid that it would destroy them both.
That was a hard choice—the uncertainty of being without a job when he had a perfectly good one was a terrifying prospect—but it was right. It was right for both of them.
He was willing to do that for Spencer. He was more than willing. Spencer had been ready to risk his career from the beginning. Jesse could give up a job that barely paid the bills anyway and wasn’t going anywhere.
He could give it up because he was in love with Spencer.
Jesse checked the time on his phone. It was a little after nine, which wasn’t too late. It was Friday, after all, and Spencer never did anything on Saturday mornings.
He pulled up the text conversation again, heart racing. This was what he wanted. All he needed to do now was make sure it was what Spencer wanted, too.
Meet me at the center of the universe, he texted. A grand gesture wouldn’t hurt his chances of being forgiven, and if Spencer was willing to head to the middle of nowhere to meet him, then he’d know that their relationship wasn’t totally unsalvageable.
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