The Right Note (BWWM Interracial Romance)

by DaCosta, Naima

  Hayley understood now. The musicians life had destroyed Jack's hope, but she stood tall, knowing that it would not destroy hers.

  "Jack, I still feel like this isn't quite the end yet.. I know you're going to tell me not to wait- but I will anyway, no matter what you say."

  Jack said nothing as she walked through the door and off into the cold January morning. Hayley went home. She worked and she wrote and she cried and she waited.

  It had been 2 weeks since Jack last called her. Hayley was so lonely that she called up Michael from work so they could meet afterward for a drink. They sat in a dingy little afterhours joint above a pool hall, where alcoholics and industry people could drink till dawn. Michael knew why she was here, and he flirted with her as usual to try to cheer her up, but after a couple of drinks her glumness started to wear on him so he let the subject turn to what they were both thinking about anyway.

  "How come jack is the way he is?" Hayley sensed Michael freeze up after she had spoke,. and then he began to ramble about the old days on the road. Mostly funny stories that had nothing to do with what she really wanted to know.

  Hayley didn't really care to hear any more old stories but she let Michael reminisce through two more whiskeys. He was getting a drunk now and his mood turned uncharacteristically dark all of the sudden.

  "They said that last tour is what broke him... that was a total lie, nothing broke him- the record company just threw him in the garbage is all," Michael said.

  Hayley's ears perked up because it finally felt that maybe Michael would share something important with her. Most of Michaels stories had been about ridiculous and/or obscene things that happened to the band on the road or various women that he and Jack had supposedly fought over.

  "Why?" Hayley wondered out loud, her brown eyes burning for truth, "and how come noone knows that?"

  "Well, when they didn't get a hit out of him right away they just kept him on the road and wouldn't let him record anymore."

  Hayley suddenly understood why Jack was so obsessed with hits, and so contemptuous of what he called "songwriting for the sake of songwriting."

  Michael went on "He had signed an exclusive contract for 5 albums so there was nothing he could do. He and I and the other boys toured until every bit of the money the company spent on him was recouped... He had saved up all his daily expense money so he had a little nest egg to fall back on while he figured out what to do next.. until the record company found out about it and sued him for it."

  "Oh No," Haley felt her stomach churn.

  "They won because he couldn't prove he had paid back all of the money. The record company cooked the books. Then later they sued him for breach of contract when he refused to tour anymore."

  "Holy shit" she said, it sounded like a nightmare, "is that what broke him?"

  Michael looked surprised, "Didn't you hear me before? Nothing broke him"

  "Then why did he disappear for so long?"

  Haley almost didn't want to know the rest.

  Michael's face was angry, "Well he was still legally bound to his contract for a couple more years even though they weren't supporting him any more.. but that's not the worst part," Michael paused for a moment and drained his glass, "the worst part was that they technically owned all of his publishing still...not only from his album, but for every single song he wrote in those years when they wouldn't let him record. He put everything he had his tender young heart.. all of his hopes and dreams into those songs and they took them all away from him.."

  "why would they do that? What did they gain?" Haley thought it seemed so pointless and evil, "Why didn't they ever release that material, or try to sell it back to him later when he could have paid?"

  Michael looked down at his tired hands gripping his glass of booze "you know...I think they probably will sell those songs... but not until he dies.

  "But that would mean..." Hayley said horrified.

  "He'll never get the satisfaction of knowing if those songs he loved were as good as we all thought they were then- he'll never get to know how much the world might have been able to share that feeling."

  "It's enough to make a grown man cry" he said self mockingly, wiping the wetness from his misty eyes. "surely he must still know them, did he have any copies? did he ever try to re-record them?...even just for himself?"

  Michael smiled grimly, "you better believe he had copies- do you know what he did? he burned them. every last one. If you know what's good for you, and him don't ever mention this to him and whatever you do, don't ask him to play any of them for you. He probably won't speak to you again if you try to bring it up."

  Hayley remembered that melancholic little piece of music he had played when he didn't think she was listening, she knew it inside and out, just from hearing that one time. It's twists and turns and it's beautifully resolved cadences. From some reason she felt like that was some tiny piece of glory leftover from that terrible time, or maybe his lament for it.

  ”He was so proud when he got that record contract all on his own, no manager, no lawyer.. he had come up from nowhere with nothing and proved that raw talent and guts could still win." Michael sighed and motioned to the waitress for another drink. "Their knife was in his back before he ever knew it.. until he finally felt them twist it...right through his heart"

  The next night Hayley was laying in bed when she got finally got a text from Jack.

  “Come over. now,” was all it said.

  Hayley teased her hair, threw on a simple dress and called a cab, in minutes she was out the door. It was a weird and terrible feeling she felt as she arrived to find Jack in a black mood, brooding with a bottle at his piano. He was listening to an early John Coltrane record. Her youthful cheer seemed to irritate rather than amuse him as before.

  Jack asked Hayley questions she had already answered before, as if they were meeting for the first time and he barely listened to her answers. He was focusing on the music instead, humming along to parts of saxophone solos he liked particularly. When she tried to change to subjects she knew they had discussed with pleasure before he simply ignored her.

  Hayley was worried, wondering how drunk he was. She had never really seen him drunk, though she had watched him open new bottles and finish them in the same evening. He never slurred and always moved with the same self control, though he did swagger slightly more in the midst of such excesses. He suddenly started talking about his old touring days and her ears perked up in alarm.

  Thinking of her conversation with Michael, Hayley felt sick inside. She had never heard him speak directly about that time in his life, only alluding to it in offhand remarks about most rock stars being nothing but stoned puppets or stadium tours being the biggest con game this side of organized religion.

  "I played 247 shows in one year and they said I still owed them..those motherfuckers.."

  Hayley assumed he meant the record company he had been signed to once upon a time. He rambled on "they killed my career...stole my songs..made me a has been at 28" He had murder in his eyes but his voice just sounded tired.

  Hayley didn't dare say a word.. she waited for him to finish. Suddenly, he dropped his nearly empty bottle on the floor and a second later he followed after it. sliding off the piano bench and hitting his head against the the keys on his way down, making a cacophonous racket.

  Jack sat on the floor looking like he was about to try and get up, His eyes were unfocused, his pallor sickly. Without thinking she rushed to his side to help him, all the compassion in her heart welling up inside her. Just as she was about to kneel down and try to keep him from hurting himself more, he snapped out of his stupor and with a furious excess of energy, knocked her down pinning her to the floor with one arm. In a single movement he tore her dress up and then his belt and fly were open.

  A part of her was completely, paradoxically, turned on but she unable to release any of the energy which welled up inside in waves as she shuddered silently. All her senses seemed disconnected. she didn't feel rea
l- actually she felt far too real. It seemed like one of those dreams that feels like it's about to become a nightmare but never actually does. the tension coming not from any mundane fear of death or pain but from a sense of vastly implacable forces operating in the midst, beyond one's power to fathom.

  Hayley felt like a spirit, as if her body was in another place altogether. A place where she could feel but not react. at first her body barely moved...only shaking slightly. Then as if released from a spell, she began to thrash weakly and made strange sounds like someone half awake trying to speak from outside of their body.

  Jack’s tension seemed sustained beyond all capacity of either to tolerate any longer. He was clutching her by the shoulders so hard she felt blood vessels bursting helplessly under his grip. His toes left the ground and found leverage against a wall.

  Jack pushed all of his weight into her in a final thrust hips twitching side to side as his whole body shuddered shaking her so hard her head bounced against the floor bringing stars to her eyes and making everything a blur.

  Hayley felt something surging inside her as her muscles clenched to contain him through sheer animal fear he sprayed so hard, so deep inside her she felt it actually strike the sore and swollen outer walls of her womb. She felt its coolness in comparison to her own feverish inner heat. the head of his cock was banging around her inner limits as he shook.

  Jack stayed taut after that violent shot still pushing beyond her confines with quivering violence, like the string of a longbow shuddering in the wake of an arrow's release.

  Jack’s body outside of her had stopped moving entirely though his cock still pulsed and he continued to release his juice inside a few more times, slowly it's violent throbbing ebbed , falling in sync with her own bodies decreasing tempo. They lay there completely still for a long moment with no sense of the reality of time. Then, like a tired cat like he rolled off of her and laid back against the front of the couch.

  Jack jutted one knee up and stretched his other leg out. His head lay tilted to one side but his shoulders and chest were drawn back majestically as his arms stretched out behind him supporting his torso. He seemed self contained as his chest rose and fell with deep slow breaths. His mouth was set in a resignation of his terrible deed. she could sense his self loathing but also something else, a questioning.

  Hayley knew he must be struggling to come to terms with the reality of his own mind. Jack’s eyes turned to look at her without recognizance of any connection between them. His look was feverishly penetrating though all the violence was gone now. It was as if he was trying to see into her soul.

  Hayley averted her own eyes. She was sure something was broken now- he will avoid me from now on, she thought.

  He thinks of me as just another part of the world out there he hates he punished me for trying to con my way into gaining his trust.

  Hayley felt no anger. Unbelievably, she felt no shame for either of them but as much as she was sure that she was intact from the experience, she knew that for him to lose control like that was something his ego, that calm ironic persona of his, would have a hellish time reconciling with. Sensing something strange and unsettled in his mood she stood up and started putting her clothes back on.

  Jack asked in a low voice, "Are you alright?"

  Hayley was surprised to hear a genuine note of concern audible despite his controlled delivery. She turned away not wanting to look at him she answered quickly, words tumbling over themselves with a distinct lack of emphasis.

  "Yes..of course..I mean obviously I feel a little weird and I'm sure you do too so I'll just call a cab and...”

  "Shut up!" Jack practically bellowed it. His powerful voice echoed for a half second bell like in it's vibrance nearby the strings of a guitar buzzed sympathetically in response.

  Hayley was sure her heart had just stopped. standing for a moment, stunned, she turned to to look at him slowly like a criminal who knows they have no chance of escape seeing him there. Suddenly her emotional landscape changed completely.

  Gone was the numb regret she felt sudden stabbing pangs in her heart. Jack had tears rolling slowly down his cheeks. his eyes were still intense though his jaw and mouth had softened somewhat.

  "I'm sorry- I didn't want anything like this to happen" as he said this his voice still clear, but lower and darker.

  Hayley stood still, and though embarrassed, she spoke with genuine compassion, "it's okay, you were out of it..I thought you were sick and obviously I triggered something when I rushed towards you- I'm sure you didn't realize.."

  "At that moment you reached for me I hated you for trying to help me. I wanted to make you suffer for having the nerve to think you could take care of me. You might say I'm poisoned inside. The damage was done a long time ago.”

  Hayley felt dizzy hearing the words.

  “I wanted you to feel what I feel when I think about all those wasted years I spent trying to prove I was worth something I want you to feel this pain and anger I have learned to hide because you deserve to feel it for wanting my success, which you will never understand until you've experienced this darkness. I can't stand being reminded that you love your work in a way I no longer can.I can't help you any further than your talent and strength can take you on your own. I don't want you to depend on me and I don't want you trying to look after me. No one's ever looked after me and to be honest I don't think I even remember what wanting that feels like.”

  Haley wanted more than anything at that moment to hold him to lay his head against her chest to tend to him...to be his nurse, but she felt sure he would not let her now- maybe never. Her heart told her it was what he really needed more than anything in the world on those long and lonely nights when work was done and there was nothing left to do but brood about his miserable past. She knew she couldn't offer it to him now but she held on to that feeling, and she felt it shine out her eyes as she looked at him angelically.

  Hayley said, "I'm not afraid of any of that and I'm not afraid of you either. You didn't hurt me, not actually. I don't think anything can anymore.. I used to wonder why you were the way you were. Now I know alot more than I ever imagined was possible to know about another human being's pain and it doesn't worry me. if you can feel all of those things and still be the man you are all I can say is that your pain is true and real to me. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you."

  Jack looked at her and he smiled a bittersweet, strangely solemn smile.

  "You're much tougher than I thought.. either that or you're completely insane."

  Jack’s delivery wasn't funny but they both started laughing then dissipating all of the built up tension and leaving them in unstrained silence she felt cool. There was a light thrumming in Hayley’s chest she had been telling the truth. There was no fear in her heart and she felt peaceful, but still something seemed to be slipping away. So much had happened in such a short time and she wondered what could possibly come of it now. She felt giddy.

  Weeks seemed no longer than minutes when she thought of all of the work to be done never had she felt more real- it was like she had felt during the sex those other times before. Now she realized what had just slipped away, it was the thing that had made her ache when he wasn't there.

  Hayley had no problems now accepting she might never see him again. She felt like all of the times she had told herself not to fall in love with him were so foolish and unnecessary. Feeling a slow flush of contentment, she suddenly saw that what she had thought was falling in love was just a side effect from something else.

  A deeper feeling which had touched them both but was really not about either of them. Hayley knew now that she truly loved Jack with no reservations whatsoever she suddenly knew there were was a thread between this feeling and the songs they both cherished. If given the choice she would rather have the songs than have him, or rather that the songs were him... they were her..and him. Her love- his love, their children.. now she knew she was meant to be the mother of the songs, and that having been
his lover was just a natural extension of this feeling they shared.

  Everything inexplicable Hayley had felt since she met Jack was exactly as it should be in the light of her realization. Her need was not for him, but for the courage to face what he had learned to face. That was hers now through the guiltless gift of his own beautifully naked pain.

  Hayley was reborn by Jack’s instinctive trust of her inner core's resilience to his own turbulent heart. The words he had spoken afterwards were only half of the truth. they represented the last vestige of his defense against the world.

  Hayley had gone beyond that wall. She had become the other half of his story. Her youth, her enthusiasm, and her love. The unclouded intuition which she now felt as her very center was the other half of his hopeless story which lay there ready for him to accept or not. Jack might never surrender to it- but nonetheless she knew that he felt the graceful balance between his bitter experience and her clean acceptance of it.

  Hayley said in a surprisingly casual voice, " I suppose I may not hear from you again."

  Jack pretended to consider it, "I'm going to be busy for the next few weeks anyway so I can't promise anything. I will try to check up on you at some point over the next couple of months, though."

  Jack seemed perplexed by her aura of contentment but he remained cool and added smilingly, "you should get back to work anyway. You'd better have something new for me to hear when I call you."

  Hayley answered with lazy confidence, "Oh I just might have something alright. I'd think twice about making me into your protege if I were you though, I just may surpass you sooner than you think- and that might be embarrassing."

  Jack pretended to be indignant, "You think you're ready to compete with me all of a sudden?"