Don't Blink

by L. G. Davis

  “Caitlin ... Caitlin Lester.” I wrap my arms around my body, leaning against the counter for support. I’m still feeling dizzy and unsettled, the way I had felt with each passing hour before we came to the doctor. I still can’t get rid of the knot inside my stomach. I’m often nervous before coming for a checkup, afraid Dr. Phyllis Collins would tell me that she doesn’t hear a heartbeat. But in a way, how I feel right now is different, the kind of feeling one gets when something bad is about to happen, a feeling that used to accompany me a lot when I lived with Ryan.

  “I’m sorry.” The young woman looks up from the computer and brushes her blonde hair away from her eyes. I haven’t seen her before. She seems to be no older than twenty. “I’m afraid I can’t see your name. Are you sure you called for an appointment?”

  I glance at Jared, who is standing next to me, his warm breath fanning my cheek. He clears his throat and places both hands on the counter, pushing aside the bowl of M&M’s. “I’m sorry, Miss ...”

  “Danielle,” the secretary says. “You can call me Danielle.”

  “Danielle,” he starts. “My wife called to confirm her appointment four days ago. I was standing right next to her. Are you sure you’re not looking at the wrong day on the calendar?”

  Danielle’s brow creases as she glances back at the computer. “I’m pretty sure. I don’t see a Caitlin Lester. I’m sorry. Is it a scheduled prenatal visit or just a routine checkup?”

  “Does it matter?” Jared tries hard but fails to keep his voice controlled. He hates it when he feels I’m being treated unfairly, always ready to jump in and rescue me.

  Danielle’s freckled, cherubic face falls. “I’m sorry. Today’s my first day, and I’m not sure if someone forgot to enter your wife’s appointment ... or if it was deleted by mistake.”

  I lay a hand on Jared’s arm to stop him from blowing up, then I step in front of him, which is not easy given my huge tummy. “Danielle, it’s fine. It’s not your fault. Is it possible to make another appointment for a different day this week?” I had my last ultrasound one month ago. Dr. Collins assured me all is well with the baby and there’s no need for another scan before the birth. But I made another appointment just to be sure the baby is really developing as it should.

  Danielle’s face lights up. “Yes, sure. I think we had a cancellation for one of the days. Let me check.” She turns back to the computer and starts typing, her blood-red fingernails flying over the keyboard. She finally looks up with a smile. “I can give you Friday at nine. Would that be okay for you?”

  “Yes, that would be perfect.” Jared won’t be able to make it to the appointment since he’ll be out of town, but at least he promised to be here for the birth.

  “Perfect. See you next Friday.” Danielle gives me a small wave.

  “Thank you.” I reach for Jared’s hand, pulling him out of the doctor’s office. Outside, we walk to the car in silence. Neither of us say a word. Inside the car, Jared turns to me.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just disappointed that we didn’t get to see the doctor. What if—”

  “Don’t go there. I’m sure everything is fine with the baby.” He takes my hand and lifts it to his lips, kissing my knuckles.

  “But I don’t want to take any chances. I’ve had this bad feeling all day, and I just can’t help wondering if, you know, something’s changed.”

  “Stop. Don’t go down that road.” His voice is both gentle and firm. “We won’t lose this one.”

  “Jared, I worry every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the babies we’ve lost. Our two beautiful babies.” Tears fill my eyes.

  He removes his hand from mine and plants them on the steering wheel. He doesn’t look at me. “My love, this time is different,” he says. “I just feel it.”

  “But how do you know?” I retort, even though I don’t mean to lash out at him.

  “Okay, I don’t know. But I choose to believe. Believe with me, okay?”

  I nod, and we drive home, where I get into the shower and burst into tears under the spray of water. What if the fact that my appointment was messed up is a sign?

  I step out of the shower and dry myself off. At the bathroom sink, I close my eyes, my head tipped forward, my chin on my chest. I squeeze my eyes tight until I feel a burn in my eyeballs, desperate to shut out the dark images in my head. When I open my eyes, I gaze at myself in the mirror.

  My tears and the water have caused my mascara to run. I run a fingertip underneath my eye. In the process, I notice my wedding band. More tears come. I’ve made so many mistakes, and I deserve to be punished. I probably killed someone and ran instead of doing the right thing. I cheated life. I’m not allowed to be here. I’m not allowed to have what I have. But I don’t want to let it go. I want Jared. I want our baby. I want to own this life I’m living.

  I pull myself together, get dressed, and go to the kitchen to have dinner with my husband. The aroma of melted cheese and freshly baked bread from the homemade pizza makes my mouth water.

  I make a sad face “I wish you didn’t have to go tomorrow.”

  “You and me both.” He removes the silicone oven mitts. “But it won’t be for long this time. I’ll be back in five short days. I’ll be here for the birth, I promise. I’m sorry I won’t be there on Friday. Make sure to get a picture for me this time.”

  “I promise.”

  Up to this point in my pregnancy, I haven’t once looked at the ultrasound screen. Dr. Collins tells me everything I need to know while I keep my eyes closed. It’s not because I don’t have an interest in seeing my baby, but because I’m afraid to. I’m afraid to see the baby only to lose it.

  “Ready to eat?” Jared opens a drawer and pulls out the pizza cutter.

  “Starving.”

  We enjoy our meal in front of the TV, watching a romance movie in black and white.

  Outside the window, the sun is setting, the ball of fire sinking like a vitamin tablet into the sea. The only light in the living room is coming from a small lamp next to the couch. The atmosphere around us is so calm, romantic, and relaxing. It’s rare that we have these moments alone together. Jared is often busy at his studio until late into the night.

  As soon as the movie ends and the credits roll, my phone pings with a text message. Jared picks it up from the coffee table and hands it to me. It’s a number I don’t recognize.

  The words freeze my spine.

  Enjoy it while it lasts. It won’t be like this for long. Xoxo

  Fear snakes through me at the same time my pulse starts to slam into my neck.

  I’m tempted to tell Jared about the suspicious message, but something inside me warns me it would be a mistake. Thank God he didn’t read it before handing me the phone.

  “Who is it?”

  “Nothing,” I pant. “No one, I mean. Just ... a colleague.”

  “Ralph?” He shifts to look into my face.

  I shake my head. “No, Lilliana.” It’s the first name that comes to mind.

  “Oh.” Jared stretches out his legs and pulls me closer, his eyes closed.

  “I’ll ... I need the bathroom.” I struggle to my feet and rush to the bathroom as fast as my feet and weight will allow. Inside, I close the door and lean against it. I bite my fist to keep from screaming out with fear, my other hand still holding the phone way too tight.

  Breathe. Breathe, Caitlin. It could be nothing.

  I look at the message again. It’s still there. It’s real.

  My mind tells me this moment is what I’ve been dreading all day. But this is my life. I can’t let anything spoil this evening with my husband.

  Before I can think about what I’m doing, I hold my breath, delete the text, and splash my face with cold water.

  I return to the living room, pretending my world has not just been shaken.

  Jared’s clean-shaven face is worried as he narrows his eyes. “You all right? Why did you rush out like that?”

&
nbsp; I sit on the couch, placing the phone next to me facedown in case another message comes in. “I just ... I felt suddenly nauseous.” How many lies will I have to tell him to keep our life intact?

  He places a hand on my stomach. “I’m sorry, baby. Can I get you anything?”

  “Water.” I twist my wedding band around my finger. “I’m fine now. But water would be nice.” So would a moment alone to pull myself together.

  While he’s gone, I lie to myself. The text was not meant for me. It was sent to a wrong number. The past is still in the past. But what if ... what if it’s him?

  Jared gets back before I can answer my own questions. He presses a cool frosted glass in my hands.

  I take a sip and lean against him for support.

  Later in our bed, warm inside Jared’s arms, he touches my cheek. “In answer to your earlier question, the reason I know this time is different is because we couldn’t have come this far for nothing.”

  I press my lips together and blink away hot tears.

  Please, let him be right. I don’t think I can handle another loss. I need this baby more than he can imagine; now, more than ever. It’s not only because I love him so much I want to have his child, but because a baby would be the seal of approval my new life requires, the key to me living freely and completely.

  After all the ugly, I long to create something beautiful. I can’t allow anything or anyone to stand in the way of that.

  Before falling asleep, I tell myself that dead men don’t speak. Ryan is dead.

  CHAPTER 28

  I stare into the darkness, searching for sleep that won’t come. My body is heavy with exhaustion, and my mind is thick with questions with no answers. Much as I want to forget the text I got earlier, I refuse to let go. My mind keeps going over the words, turning them over inside my head until I’m on the verge of going crazy.

  Finally, I give up on sleep. I’m tired of tossing and turning. Jared has to get up at 5:00 a.m. for his trip to Mexico. I wouldn’t want to disturb him.

  I lift his arm from my body and slide out of bed, my feet meeting the cool, wooden floor. Unable to breathe, I stumble through the darkness and disappear into the bathroom, where I flick on the light.

  I gulp down mouthfuls of air, but no amount of oxygen is enough to calm my nerves.

  I lean over the sink and splash my face with water to wash away the sweat. My hands are trembling as I press a towel to my face. There’s a rumble in my belly. It has nothing to do with hunger.

  With sleep out of reach, there’s no point in returning to bed. So, I grab a bathrobe from behind the door and throw it over my nightgown. Tiptoeing out of the bathroom, I don’t stop in the bedroom but walk through the door and continue on down the stairs. I’m careful to avoid the creaking step at the bottom.

  The faint smell of the pizza we ate earlier, before my world cracked, still hangs in the air.

  My mind is a roller coaster by the time I burst through the front door. When I reach the middle of the path that travels from the gate to our front door, I stop.

  What am I doing? Where am I going? I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing. All I know is that I need to distance myself from my home before the toxicity from my past invades it. I need to be alone to think.

  All the lights in the cottages on our street are off except for the one in Ruby’s bedroom. What in the world is she doing up at 1:00 a.m.? Or did she forget to switch off the light? I shrug. It’s none of my business.

  My stroll to the beach is only a five-minute walk down a sandy path lined with wildflowers.

  Jared will be beside himself with worry if he discovers that his pregnant wife has gone to the beach alone this late, even though—like Corlake had been—Faypine is known to be one of the safest towns in the United States. For other residents, at least. Besides, if anyone is really after me, I’d prefer for them to catch me alone instead of with Jared. Hopefully, he won’t wake up before I get back home.

  The moonlight allows my gaze to sweep the stretch of glowing, white sand, but I don’t spot a soul.

  “Ryan is dead. He’s not after me,” I repeat to myself as the cool wind swings my hair from side to side and into my face.

  I pick up my pace, walking faster. My bare feet sink into the cool sand.

  When my heart starts to race, I stop walking to catch my breath for the sake of the baby. My hands are wrapped around my stomach as I pull air into my lungs.

  Tears stinging the backs of my eyes, I gaze out at the inky, black water and listen to the rush of the waves crashing onto the shore. Some of my teardrops drip onto my lips, salty like sea water.

  Drained of energy, I lower myself onto the sand and cover my face with my hands.

  God, please tell me that the text was meant for someone else.

  After all these years, Ryan can’t just show up alive.

  The baby kicks me in the ribs and fresh tears flood my eyes.

  “It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s fine. Everything is fine.”

  We don’t know the sex of the baby yet. Jared wanted to know, but I didn’t for the same reason I avoided looking at the ultrasound screen. I told him he could ask the doctor if he wants, that he didn’t have to tell me. He refused, saying he wouldn’t want any secrets between us, however harmless. He had no idea how uncomfortable his words had made me.

  What would he do if he knew I’ve been lying to him from the day we met, that he married a woman he doesn’t even know, a stranger, a murderer maybe? He would most certainly leave me. I can’t let that happen.

  I run my hands over my swollen belly, following the baby’s movements. “I don’t deserve you, little one, but I know you’ll make me a better person.”

  Sobs break inside my chest and shake my shoulders before they leave my body. It’s a good thing I left the house. If Jared saw me weeping, he’d demand to know why I’m upset. Out here, I can cry in private. When I return home, I’ll wipe away the tears and continue pretending everything is fine.

  I cry for what feels like an hour, but it could be just a few minutes.

  My eyes sore and my body exhausted, I push myself up from the ground and shake the sand from my clothes. It whispers as it falls to the ground, sprinkling onto my feet.

  My gaze sweeps the beach again. I’m still alone with the water, the sand, and my pain and fears. I take a step. A candy wrapper crinkles under my foot. It’s half buried in the sand next to a forgotten child’s shoe.

  The beach is busy during the day with children running with their buckets and shovels while their parents follow with wagging fingers, warning them to stay away from the deep water.

  Happy people come here to enjoy their lives as they have nothing to hide from themselves or their loved ones. How does it feel to live without secrets, to live life with no cracks on the heart? I envy those people. I can’t even remember the feeling of being completely free, with no secrets. I miss it, but I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.

  I push my hands into the pockets of my robe and turn to walk away. Then I remember that I’m still crying. Using the collar of the robe, I wipe the tears from my eyes as best I can, letting them soak into the thick fabric.

  The baby has stopped kicking, and I feel somewhat better. I take tiny steps toward the path that leads to our cottage, my gaze straight ahead at my dream home, my dream life. I walk slowly toward the place I want to belong to, never taking my eyes off it.

  The light is on downstairs. I never switched it on. The door opens, and Jared fills its doorway. He doesn’t see me on the other side of the road as he bends to put on his shoes.

  My knees wobble as I cross the road, open the gate, and walk up to the house.

  He straightens up, his eyebrows slanted in a frown. Our eyes lock.

  “Caitlin, where were you at this time of night? You worried the hell out of me.”

  “I went for a walk on the beach.” I suck in a breath and blow it out slowly. “I ... couldn’t sleep.”

  He pinches the bridge of his nose. �
��Why didn’t you wake me? I would have gone with you. It’s not safe out there.”

  “It’s perfectly safe.” I peel my gaze from his. “When was the last time you heard of a crime happening in Faypine?” I walk past him into the house, and he follows me inside.

  He closes the door behind us, then takes a step toward me, and I feel the heat of his body before he touches me. He turns me around to face him, searching my eyes. I know what his next words will be before he speaks.

  “You were crying.” It’s not a question, but a slice of truth that pushes me into a corner. “Why?”

  I glance down to hide my shame and try to move away from his touch. He tightens his grip on my shoulders, keeping me in place.

  “Tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you were also upset before bed. What’s going on?”

  I search my mind for answers, for a lie I can give him without arousing more suspicions. In the end, I give him the only one he might believe. “I ... I was worried about the baby, after what happened at the doctor’s.”

  He lets my shoulders go and wraps an arm around me, ushering me toward the stairs.

  “You know you don’t have to worry about that. Being upset isn’t good for either you or the baby. You have to try and calm down, my love.” He moves his hand up and down the side of my body.

  “It’s just so hard to let go of the fears,” I whisper.

  “I know it is. But it’ll happen for us this time. You don’t have to be afraid.”

  At the bottom of the stairs, he draws me into his arms and holds me for a long time, his chin on the top of my head. I’ve always loved how tall he is. I wish I felt safe in his arms. I wish he could protect me from my demons. I want to tell him everything before things come out in the open, before he discovers that I’ve deceived him. But he can never know who and what I am.

  He kisses the top of my head and leads me upstairs and into our bedroom, where he lifts the covers. I slide under them. He lies down next to me, his arms tight around my body.

  “Do you want me to call off my trip? Should I stay?” His deep voice is a rumbled whisper in the night.