You Left Early

by Louisa Young

  Now my main language

  will be music so perhaps

  I will write some

  good stuff

  better

  what is iPod

  Too emotional ie Rachman—

  I’ve done so well

  with the booze

  the best thing I’ve

  ever done

  and now

  fucking fags

  neat vodka

  years of throat damage

  I feel guilty about what I’ve

  put Louisa thru’

  32H6

  her new adult novel

  is going to be a great success

  then film

  music by ? me

  Michael Nyman

  Have you heard the theme

  tune

  sampled orchestra

  cornet my cousin Diane

  Violin

  I’ve not complained

  AT ALL for a month

  – my future wife (!)

  has been impressed!

  But now

  Camden Town, second time round:

  Winter 2011

  What can I use from my four-plus years sober to reactivate my recovery today?

  Leaving here four and a half years ago, I took with me a wealth of knowledge, and endeavoured to put it into practice. An old friend, an alcoholic/drug addict who had been sober and clean for twelve years, offered to be my sponsor. I was very fortunate. Talking to him everyday became a useful discipline. It was a matter of sticking to basics, going to regular meetings and speaking to Will, regular meals and a good diet (sadly not available to me any more) and lots of regular sleep. When I had my relapse I had not been leading a regular life.

  I was now able to see my twelve year old son, look him in the eye and have a good laugh. He doesn’t know about my condition – that’s for when he’s older. I can now approach his mother. I was able to see my father. He said he was more proud of my sobriety than anything else I had achieved. In sobriety I can now recognise and appreciate my love for others and their love for me. Gratitude, also. I owe so much to Will, my sponsor, my landlord Patrick in the North and most of all to my fiancee Louisa.

  Prior to my lapse, I had not spoken with Will for a number of days, which says it all. When I did speak to him, I didn’t admit to having had a drink, basically abusing the intimacy that had been forged. Our sponsors will be personally familiar with most of what we reveal; we do them good by reminding them of the pitfalls of our condition. And for a while before my lapse I hadn’t attended AA. I think I used my disability and my cancer as an excuse.

  I find it difficult to express the amount of freedom and simple enjoyment that my four and a half years gave me. Sobriety allowed me to rid myself of complications, neuroses and obsessions. Clarity of thought and the ability to take time making decisions made a huge difference. The impulsiveness fuelled by the alcoholic mind had disappeared almost totally.

  [Louisa and I had] a somewhat tempestuous ten-year relationship. Sobriety has rid me of many of the frustrations I once felt. Despite her faults, the main fault in the relationship was my drunkenness.

  Louisa’s father died just after mine and she asked me to write a piece of music for his memorial service. The music flowed from my pencil – I experienced none of the creative blocks of yesteryear, therefore not needing a drink to unblock them. Music is, or was, my career; sobriety will be essential for any advances in this crucial area of my life. I am still angry and even embarrassed about my relapse, but I have learnt from it. And finally, just something about my four and a half years of sobriety – it got better and better. Never again do I want to return to that hell.

  *

  Further Reading

  Obituary by Will Self

  https://www.theguardian.com/music/2012/jan/27/robert-lockhart

  Valediction by Nicholas Lezard

  https://www.newstatesman.com/node/187357

  Discography

  Prelude in G Op. 32 No. 5, (Rachmaninoff), Rachmaninoff

  La Bohème, (Puccini), Jose Carreras and Barbara Hendricks

  ‘Here Comes the Rainbow Again’, (Kristofferson), Johnny Cash

  ‘It Hurts Me Too’, (Red/James), Karen Dalton

  ‘I’d Rather Go Blind’, (Jordan/Foster), Etta James

  ‘I’ll Be Seeing You’, (Fain/Kahal), Billie Holliday

  ‘Les Feuilles Mortes’, (Kosma/Prevert), Yves Montand

  ‘Song for My Father’, Horace Silver

  ‘O Waly Waly’, (anon./Britten), Roderick Williams

  ‘The Salley Gardens’, (anon./Britten or Ireland)

  Hungarian Dances, Brahms

  Sonata in F minor, Brahms

  ‘Cantaloupe Island’, Herbie Hancock

  Sonata in A, Schubert

  ‘Wild Is the Wind’, Tiomkin/Washington), Nina Simone, or David Bowie

  La Fille au Cheveux de Lin, Debussy

  ‘Hotel’, (Francis Poulenc), Regine Crespin

  ‘Après un Reve’, (Gabriel Fauré), Regine Crespin

  Clair de Lune, (Gabriel Fauré), Regine Crespin

  ‘When I Was Young’, (Merill) Eddie Fisher

  ‘Trouble Child’, Joni Mitchell

  ‘Re-Hab’, Stew & the Negro Problem

  ‘Pale Blue Eyes’, Velvet Underground

  ‘Leiermann’, from the Winterreise, Schubert

  ‘Good Year for the Roses’, (Chesnut), George Jones

  ‘The End’, (Strand/Dove), Mark Padmore

  ‘Don’t Fence Me In’, (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald

  ‘Why Can’t You Behave?’ (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald

  ‘Anything Goes’, (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald

  ‘My Funny Valentine’, (Rodgers/Hart), Chet Baker

  ‘Get Out of Town’, (Porter), Ella Fitzgerald

  ‘Reason to Believe’, (Hardin), Rod Stewart

  ‘Don’t Explain’, (Holiday/Herzog), Billie Holiday

  ‘Cry Me a River’, (Hamilton), Julie London

  ‘Only Him or Me’, Townes Van Zandt

  ‘Too Far Gone’, (Sherill), Elvis Costello and the Attractions

  ‘She’s No Lady’, Lyle Lovett

  Four Last Songs, (Strauss), Jessye Norman

  ‘Five Years’, David Bowie

  ‘The Unquiet Grave’, (anon.), Joan Baez

  Robert Lockhart’s music can be found on YouTube, http://www.bmgproductionmusic.co.uk, or please contact Richard.Paine@fabermusic.com

  ‘83 Miles the Wrong Side of Birmingham’, ‘You Left Early’ and ‘Goldhawk Road’ are tracks on the album You Left Early by Birds of Britain; released in June 2018. Birds of Britain are Louisa Young and Alex Mackenzie. Birds of Britain music can be found on Spotify, iTunes and in all the old familiar places.

  www.louisayoung.co.uk

  You Left Early

  You waltzed in, your coat tails flying

  Cool as an angel, without trying

  You took the piano knowing every song

  Billie and Cole, All night long.

  You played for all the prettiest women,

  Stole their fags, admired their singing

  They could never leave you alone

  You stayed so late and we played along

  We all knew that you drank twice your share in half the time

  You had it blazoned all around your soul like a neon sign

  You lit the night, I’m not lying

  When you stayed late and we played along

  Wanted to be your silver lining

  Strong and bold, bright and shining

  I was going to bring you safely home

  But you left early and you left alone

  Yeah you left early and you left alone

  You played for all the prettiest women

  You broke their hearts, left them swimming

  In lakes of their own tears at your heart of stone

  When after all, you left alone

  We all knew you drank, twice your share in half the time

&n
bsp; You had it hanging heavy round your life like a ball and chain

  Night and day, I’m not lying

  And you left early and you left alone

  You left early and you left alone

  Oh, oh, your silver lining, strong and bright, both of us shining

  We were going to bring each other home

  But you left early and you left alone

  You left early and you left alone

  You left early and you left alone

  Footnotes

  Chapter 10

  1 Professor Sir Ian Gilmore, UK Alcohol Health Alliance.

  2 Public Health England.

  3 In England – Guardian, January 2016.

  4 Insititute of Alcohol Studies.

  5 Guardian, Jan 2016.

  Appendices

  6 This is my bra size. For god’s sake.

  Acknowledgements

  For their faith, encouragement, patience and understanding, I thank my daughter; her father; Susan Swift; Charlotte Horton; Derek Johns; Michel Faber; my publishers especially Suzie Dooré and Ann Bissell, and all Robert’s friends and family who understood what I was trying to do and let me do it; trusted me and by doing so helped me immeasurably.

  About the Author

  Louisa Young was born in London and read history at Cambridge. She co-wrote the Lionboy series with her daughter, and is the author of eight further books including the bestselling My Dear I Wanted to Tell You, which was shortlisted for the Costa Novel Award, and was a Richard and Judy Book Club choice, and its acclaimed sequels The Heroes’ Welcome and Devotion. Her work is published in 36 languages. She lives in London.

  Robert Lockhart was born in Wigan, Lancashire, son of a salesman and a hairdresser. At 19 he achieved a double first in music at Magdalen College Oxford; then studied piano and composition at the Royal College of Music. In 1981 he was a Greater London Arts Association’s Young Musician of the Year. A piano virtuoso, he retired early from performance to compose for theatre, film and TV, working with among others John Schlesinger, Terence Davies, the RSC and the National Theatre. He worked on many award-winning shows, and was nominated for a BAFTA in 1994. He died aged 52 in 2012.

  Photographs by Robert Lockhart and Louisa Young, © Louisa Young

  Also by Louisa Young

  FICTION

  Baby Love

  Desiring Cairo

  Tree of Pearls

  My Dear I Wanted to Tell You

  The Heroes’ Welcome

  Devotion

  NON-FICTION

  A Great Task of Happiness: The Life of Kathleen Scott

  The Book of the Heart

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