Collecting Secrets

by PE Kavanagh

  “Thank you for agreeing to this.” Fatigue flowed from his words.

  She swallowed a snarky comment about her clear lack of agreement. “I’m not sure what you expect.”

  He walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. “I’m sorry, Cam. I don’t know what I did, but I know something upset you. And under those circumstances…”

  The spot between Camille’s eyebrows tightened. “What circumstances?”

  “We were naked, Camille. At least I was. We were being intimate. To have a boundary crossed in that situation is especially traumatic. So I sincerely and completely apologize.”

  “To apologize for something you don’t even know seems completely disingenuous.”

  He pressed his hand to his forehead. “No, it’s not disingenuous. It’s love. You see, I don’t need to know what I did so that I can defend it or justify it. I just know that it upset you, and I never want that, and so that’s enough for me to proclaim that I’m sorry it happened.”

  “So you don’t care to know what happened?”

  He slammed the glass down so hard it startled them both. “Goddammit, Camille please don’t twist words to escalate this thing. I’m trying my best here.”

  She took the few steps to the couch and sat down, still shaky from the explosive outburst. “You said something… it scared the shit out of me.”

  He sat down next to her, but far enough away not to encroach on her space. “What did I say? And why did it scare you?”

  She picked at her thumbnail. “We were talking about how odd it was to be broaching a different type of intimacy. Well, I thought it was odd. And you said you always knew it was going to happen.”

  He took a drawn-out breath, as if he was inhaling recognition and understanding. “Holy shit.”

  “What I heard was that while I was respecting you and our relationship, deliberately choosing not to become one of your fuck-buddies, you were doing the opposite. Just biding your time.”

  “Oh my God, Cam. I…” He shook his head and groaned. “Is that still what you believe?” His eyes were dissolving her resolve.

  “Maybe. Maybe not. I’m going to give you the benefit that you might have meant it another way than my interpretation.”

  In one swift move, he brought his body beside her. He took the thumb she had been fidgeting with and brought it to his lips. “Oh, Cam. I can’t believe you thought I would ever be so cruel or callous. That’s not who we are to each other, love. I have messed up more than my share, but I would never say something like that to you.”

  “Then what did you mean?”

  His lips brushed against the back of her hand, then her wrist. “What I meant is that I knew we would be together. In love and in relationship. Even all those years you kept rejecting me.”

  He had gone too far. “What are you talking about, Jackson? I have never once rejected you in my entire life.”

  “Camille, you let me into your heart, yes. You let me into your most personal and private thoughts. But not as a man. As a platonic friend. And whenever I expressed anything that had the slightest hint of romantic desire, your walls went up so fast, they nearly knocked me down. For years, this was how it worked with us. I had to conceal that part of my feelings for you, for fear that you would entirely shut me out.”

  While her head tried to process the string of revelations coming out of his mouth, Camille’s heart spun and leapt and pounded. She could not admit that all those years she had completely misunderstood his motives. “That’s not true.”

  “Think about it. Remember, when you moved out of our house? Remember when we went to the awards gala, which you refused to acknowledge as a date, and then you called me a man-whore? I’ve got so many more examples, too.”

  “Wait a minute.” Camille could see each of those scenes so clearly, but now they were tainted by a conflicting perspective. She struggled to realign the situation as she had understood it for so long. “But you didn’t try anything.”

  “Yes, well… I realized that, for whatever reason, you weren’t going to go there with me. So, I put all those thoughts and desires away for a later day.”

  “And then Friday.” The day of their first kiss.

  “And then Friday.”

  “But why then?”

  “When I saw you sobbing on the floor, something snapped. I couldn’t watch you mistreated by yet another jackass. You were supposed to be with me, Camille. And I guess everything that I had kept so tightly buried came pouring out. You needed to know… No, it’s not that you needed to know. It’s that I needed to say it. To admit it. Honestly and out loud. No more hiding.”

  A soft sigh of understanding floated out of her. His version of the story made so much more sense. Why had she gotten so caught up in such a hurtful viewpoint?

  “Those moments with you were… extraordinary. I mean, we only had the smallest taste of what it would be like to be with each other in that way. And it was amazing, Camille.”

  She dropped her head onto his shoulder. She couldn’t disagree. “I’m so tired, Jack. You and Charlie messed me up this weekend.”

  “I know. It wasn’t particularly fair to you. And for that I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry too. For misreading your actions.”

  He gently moved her off his shoulder to look into her eyes. “Are we okay, Cam? Do you feel resolved about what happened?”

  She didn’t like it when he used his psychology voice, but she was too tired to argue. “Yes, Jack.”

  “What would you like the next step to be?”

  “I want to go to bed.”

  He bobbed his head in agreement.

  “And I want you to come with me.”

  The nodding became a wide smile.

  * * *

  Camille dozed off when he was in the shower, but woke up as he snuggled himself behind her.

  When she reached around to touch him, her palm was greeted with his bare bottom.

  “Are you naked, Jackson?”

  “Yes. Is that a problem?”

  There was no possible argument she could muster. “Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight, love.”

  * * *

  She watched him sleep. There was just enough light in the room for her to make out his features. The square jaw, strong brow, deep set eyes and the small scar on his nose from the bar fight all softened when he slept. She moved her face only the few inches to press her lips onto his. He responded immediately, wrapping his arm so tightly around her that she gasped.

  “Camille.” The gravel of his sleep-filled voice rumbled directly between her legs. “Tell me what you want.”

  “I want to know how it feels.”

  His mouth moved to her neck. “How what feels?”

  “How it feels to have you love me… like this.”

  He lifted his head from her body, paused and then leaned back to see her face. “I need you to be explicit, Camille.”

  His quick shift from groggy to dead serious put a flutter in her breath. “I want to be with you, Jackson. Physically.”

  “Mmmm…”

  When he didn’t move, she reached forward to kiss him again.

  He pulled away. “Wait.”

  Camille thought she might die from self-consciousness.

  “Don’t freak out, Cam.”

  She hated how he could so easily read her. “I’m not…”

  He brought his hand to her face and stroked her cheek. The tenderness began to soothe the tension. “Just hold on, love.”

  She matched her breathing to his.

  “We’ve had two false starts, which ended pretty badly. At least for me. I’d rather not get kicked out of your room again.”

  “Ouch.”

  His thumb traced the outline of her lower lip. “I’m not trying to be hurtful, love.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut to organize her thoughts, too distracted by his face. And his finger. “You got into bed with me naked, Jack. I don’t understand the hesitation now.”
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  He nodded. “I can see how that seems inconsistent. There are a few different things going on. First, I never sleep with clothes on. And I wanted the experience of my body touching yours.” He took a beat. “Also, I suppose part of me is trying to get you used to me here, like this. I think my new role, as more of a sexual presence, is triggering you. It’s making you more sensitive and reactive than you normally would be. I thought if you could get used to me, physically, we could move forward more smoothly.”

  “That sounds very well thought out, Jackson. And not in a good way.”

  He laughed. “I love when you call me out, Cam. It’s one of my favorite things about you. Okay, my delivery aside, do you understand what I’m saying?”

  “Yes, I understand all of it. And probably agree. Everything’s felt sharper since… the kiss. It feels like I’m swinging between desire, terror, and grief.”

  “Wow. That sounds intense.” He pulled her closer.

  “I can feel your boner, Jack.”

  “Sorry. Actually, not sorry. But I am listening to you, Camille. In addition to wanting you.”

  “Fair enough.”

  He pulled himself slightly away. “Can we deconstruct this a bit?”

  “Oooh, does this mean I’m getting a free session with the renowned Dr. King? Complete with hard-on?”

  He wrinkled the center of his forehead. “Since you mock so freely, yes, you are.”

  “Excellent.”

  Jackson looked into her eyes. “Tell me about the desire part of your feelings.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes.”

  It was too hard to have this discussion so close to him. “Fine. I feel desire for you. Done.”

  “Not so fast, darlin’.”

  “Desire is the easy part, Jack. And it’s not new. You are an amazing, attractive, wonderful man. Of course I want you. Can we move on?”

  “You’ve said a few things that I didn’t know, but, okay, we can move on. Tell me about terror.”

  “I’m terrified that this singular relationship we spent a decade building will be ruined. You are the most important person in my life and I’ve had a firsthand view of how women come and go in your life. I just couldn’t take that.”

  An impermeable and utterly professional expression, the one he’d been perfecting over all these years, took over his face. “Do you feel like you’re going to lose me?”

  She swallowed hard. This was not a conversation she wanted to have anywhere, much less in bed with him. “Obviously.”

  “Love is risky.” A twitch crossed his left eye.

  “Please don’t give me a canned answer.”

  He exhaled. “There are no guarantees. But in terms of possibilities for success, ours is phenomenal. I don’t consider our foray a mutually temporary arrangement. I’m not trying to go there for some passing desire or curiosity. I’m going there because I feel like our relationship is incomplete without this part.”

  “Compelling. And well thought out. Again.”

  He frowned. “I feel like you’re mocking me. Again.”

  “No. But I am mirroring your professional tone.”

  “I know you don’t want to talk about this-”

  “No. I don’t”

  “But we need to. I understand after the trauma of losing your parents, it would seem unreasonable to risk losing someone else you care about.”

  That was the last straw. She separated their bodies. “Don’t bring my parents into this.”

  Jackson moved the covers that had slipped off her bare chest back up under her chin, covering her up. “I’m sorry, love.”

  She curled her knees into her chest and closed her eyes, desperately hoping that Jackson would stop forcing her to talk about everything. When she blinked her eyes open, he was staring at her. It felt like pure love reflected in his eyes. Despite the anxiety creating a buzz in her body, she had to admit the improbability of harm. There was nowhere safer than with him.

  He ran his hand lightly down the outside of her arm. Then up to her neck and shoulder. Then down her arm. Over and over, soothing her into sharing again.

  “I’m scared.” Her voice cracked. “The thought of getting our rocks off with each other, and blowing up something exceptional terrifies me.”

  “Me too.”

  She sucked in a sharp breath, never expecting that admission. “You too?”

  “Of course, Cam. My life without you in it is unimaginable.”

  “So why are you willing to risk everything?”

  She watched his shoulders rise and fall as he took several breaths.

  “Because I want all of you. It’s less a gamble and more like a necessary next step. But I haven’t been through what you’ve been through. I understand that grief plays a greater role in your perspective than in mine.”

  She remembered saying one of her current emotions was grief. It had only been minutes, but felt like hours ago.

  “Will you tell me about it?”

  “I just got dumped, as you remember. And even though it was for the best, it was still an ending. And I feel grief about us. About the simplicity and ease of how we were. I’m not sure we could ever get that back.” She decided against mentioning the grief that had been with her for for as long as she could remember.

  “I can only speak for myself, but it was not simple or easy to hide my feelings from you. It’s been messier since the kiss, but it feels better. At least I’m being honest. That’s really important to me.”

  He had a point. “I hate how you have this all figured out. I don’t.”

  “I don’t either, love. And I honor everything you’ve told me. I don’t want you to think I’m disregarding what you’re feeling. I get all of it. And I wish I could take all the bad stuff away and make being with me nothing but pleasure and delight. It hurts me that you’re hurting.”

  Camille considered her options. He was right. There was no one on the planet better suited to her. If it was true that his relationship with her would not be anything like the string of women in and out of his life, then they would do well. But that was a big if.

  “I have an idea, Cam. Most couples jumping into a sexual relationship don’t know each other at all. But we know each other better than we know ourselves. And I don’t trust anyone as much as I trust you. So I don’t think we need to follow the traditional path. However, maybe some of it would be helpful.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Let’s date.”

  That nearly blew a circuit in her brain. “Date?”

  “Yes, like a normal couple getting to know each other.”

  “That sounds fine to me.” She imagined romantic dinners, walking hand-in-hand in the city, car rides up to wine country. It all felt lovely. But going backwards to dating meant… “No sex, right?”

  “I think that’s a good idea.”

  She expected to be more surprised, or more disappointed than she was. Perhaps the proximity to his body was dulling the impact of what he was saying. “No more sleeping together naked, either.”

  “Well, I think that should continue.”

  Camille curled her lip. “Seriously?”

  “And you will also be naked.”

  “Now I know you’re joking.”

  “I told you it’s not going to follow cultural norms. We have our own path, and that includes being in the same bed together. Unclothed.”

  It made no sense. “Why be naked if we’re not having sex?”

  “Because you need to get used to me. To redefine who I am to you.”

  “And you’re going to be able to hold yourself back?” She doubted her own ability to contain her desire.

  “I am. I give you my word, Cam. Not until it feels completely right for you.”

  Camille rolled onto her back and exhaled loudly. This was one of the unorthodox methods that had made Jackson a superstar in his field. She didn’t doubt he knew what he was doing. Her body, however, had different ideas.

  Chapter 7
r />   Now

  “Don’t get too dressed up. Things might get messy.”

  Where could Jackson possibly be taking her? For their first date, Camille had expected an elegant dinner. Maybe even dancing. Were they going to clean the streets or build houses?

  It was sushi-making. A class at the local, and also world-renowned, culinary school, the California Culinary Academy.

  Jackson had clearly put some effort into planning a week of fun adventures for their foray into dating. She wondered if he was feeling that same sense of heightened stakes. They were so close to getting what they’d both secretly wanted for so long. It felt like all or nothing.

  When they arrived at her apartment, all the uncertainty rushed back in. It was easier to be with him than anyone else in her life. But the idea of getting back into bed with him scared her to bits.

  He undressed first and got into bed buck naked, as he had informed her. When she tried wearing a t-shirt, he sat up.

  “Cam, will you be naked with me?” Something about his expression wiped away any doubts from her mind. It was the honest, vulnerable man she recognized from their years together. She pulled off her shirt, then slid down her thong and slipped under the covers. He pulled her into him keeping his arms wrapped tight enough to mold their bodies together.

  “How does this feel?”

  So hard to form words. “Really good.”

  “Tell me specifically.”

  She pressed her forehead into the top of his chest and closed her eyes in an attempt to focus on coherence. “My skin is warm, my heart is beating really fast. My breasts are pushed against you, and it hurts a little.”

  He loosened his grip.

  She took a deep breath. “I feel an ache between my legs, and your erection pressing against my thigh. When I realize it’s you, and your body, it’s disorienting, and I feel like I keep having to bring myself back. To be present.”

  “That’s so good. Is there anything scaring you right now?”