Collecting Secrets

by PE Kavanagh

  “That’s between Camille and me, don’t you think? How is it any of your business?”

  “Because someone has to look out for her. The stature of her family, and the exemplary life she has built, does not need to be diminished by your carelessness.”

  Elena reached out and took Camille’s hand, but neither shifted their focus from the two men battling it out in front of them.

  “Since when are you her guardian? The protector of her family name? You realize you’re not actually her father, right? She is not your daughter!”

  The elder pointed directly at his son. “She could have been! She could easily have been the daughter we lost!”

  Elena stood up so quickly, she forgot Camille’s hand was still in hers, and she yanked them both up. “Jonathan!” The beautiful, consistently composed woman had turned a frightening shade of red and was panting.

  It was impossible for Camille to process.

  Jonathan immediately dropped his battle stance. “Darling… I’m so sorry… I did not mean to…”

  “How could you, Jonathan?” Elena sat down, and again brought Camille, who had no idea what was going on, with her.

  Thankfully, Jackson spoke. “Can somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?”

  Neither parent broke the silence, until Elena began to cry. Her husband put his hands on her shoulders, and addressed the others. “That was out of line. I shouldn’t have said that. I apologize.”

  “Dad, what did you mean? What are you talking about?”

  Elena looked up at her husband with a combination of pain and anger. “You’ve done it now Jonathan. Now you get to explain yourself.”

  Jonathan cleared his throat. “Before you were born, Jackson, we had another child. A daughter. She was born too early and only lived three days.”

  Both Jackson’s and Camille’s mouths dropped open.

  “I had made a promise to your mother that we would never speak of it, and I have just broken her confidence. I feel deeply sorry.” He wiped the tears from his wife’s face. “Will you ever forgive me?”

  Camille had never heard his voice so filled with softness.

  “Wait a minute.” All attention moved to Jackson. “Mom, I can see that this is extremely painful for you. But it’s also important that we discuss this. Secrets like this create toxicity in relationships that can destroy families.”

  Camille winced, knowing how much everyone hated when Dr. King, world famous psychologist, entered the room.

  “Her name was Violet.” Somehow that statement, from Elena King, cleared the room of any previous tension. “Losing her was the single most painful thing I have ever gone through. I almost didn’t make it.” She looked up at her husband. “We almost didn’t make it.”

  “Tell me what you mean.”

  Camille was stunned that everyone was going along with Jackson’s line of questions. She wondered if he had hypnotized them.

  “I was still grieving when I got pregnant with you and I went crazy after you were born. I couldn’t stand the idea of anything happening to you, so you became my whole life. I neglected myself, I neglected your father, I barely functioned.” She turned to address her son, directly. “I don’t know about all this psychology stuff, Jackson. But I think your father never forgave you for that.”

  Camille saw a tightening around Jackson’s jaw. Jonathan dropped onto the arm of the couch next to his wife. “Elena…”

  “I think it’s true, Jonathan. You were angry with me for abandoning you. And maybe you were right. But I wasn’t in my right mind. All I could think about was keeping our baby safe.”

  The truth presented itself like an unfolding flower. It all began to make sense to Camille - Jackson’s unusual closeness to his mother, the enmity with his father, Jonathan’s interest in her…

  “Camille…”

  She jumped at the sound of her name from Elena’s lips. “Yes, Mrs. King.”

  “It has been an absolute delight having you as part of our family. I can’t tell you how much we have appreciated your presence. And how much we love you. But I think that when you came into our lives, Jonathan saw you as Violet. I know that you are exactly the daughter he thought he would have. I’m sorry if it felt overbearing or uncomfortable. He wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

  Camille shook her head briskly. “No, Mrs. King, it hasn’t been any of those things. I love you too. Being part of your family has been a wonderful experience. I’m sure I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.”

  “It was nothing, Camille. We did nothing. I wish I could have done more.”

  “What would you have done, Dad?”

  Camille could not tell what sentiment guided that question, whether it was interest or blame.

  “Jackson, I don’t think you understand the enormity of the tragedy this young lady faced. Most people don’t recover from things like that. Your mother and I barely did. But she showed us all what dignity and grace and courage look like.”

  “Don’t you think I understand that? Camille has been the most important person in my adult life.”

  “I don’t think you do, son. You treat her like she’s a regular person. She’s not. She’s an extraordinary person. She deserves more respect, more thoughtfulness, more care and consideration. She is not one of your one-night-stand bikini models.”

  It was surreal, being discussed as if she was not there, and Camille felt herself pull away.

  “Don’t you think I know that?! This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”

  Camille snapped out of her daze. “Gentlemen-”

  The elder cut her off. “Jackson, you have lived a blessed life. You have never known real tragedy.”

  “I haven’t known tragedy? Aren’t we forgetting something, Dad?”

  “A mistake devoid of consequence is not a tragedy. And this is not the time or place to bring up… the past.”

  Camille wracked her mind to make sense of Jonathan’s comment. What was he talking about?

  He paused, bringing his index finger to rest below his lower lip, the King family pose for deep thinking, and then continued. “There are events that forever alter your view of the world. I know what it’s like to lose a child. And I know what it’s like to almost lose the woman I love. I just don’t think you would survive it if you continued on this course and Camille was forced to leave you.”

  The two men locked eyes as if they had only just seen each other for the first time. Jackson worked his jaw while he considered his next words.

  “You’re right, Dad. I can’t imagine a life without Camille in it. And you’re also right that my life has been magical, for the most part. With a couple of significant exceptions. You have provided for all of us very well. But you just didn’t give a shit. At least not about me.”

  “Jackson!” His mother had shifted from sadness to shock.

  His father, however, had no reaction at all. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Jackson. It’s not true that I didn’t care. It might have been true that I cared too much.”

  “Dad, I know that I didn’t follow the path you wanted me to. And the life I lead is a bit too flashy for your tastes. But you have to admit that I have done fairly well. And you have never, not even once, indicated that you were proud of me. Or that you respect, from one man to another, what I have accomplished. Would that have been so hard?” The tiniest sliver of vulnerability created a crack in Jackson’s voice.

  Camille wanted to wrap her arms around this man, who had always been a pillar of strength for her, and had been carrying this level of hurt and rejection. Instead she gripped his hand, praying he could feel how much she loved him.

  “I don’t have an adequate answer for you, son. Perhaps your mother is right, and I was still holding on to what happened at the beginning of your life. I’m not certain. But I do know that I have never been more proud of anyone than I have been of you. When I push, it’s because I s
ee how much further you can go, how greatly your accomplishments will dwarf mine. You are my beloved son. I would never want you to experience the losses that I have.”

  Camille stroked the back of Jackson’s neck which released tension beneath her touch. She had no idea how emotional this was going to be. She had anticipated yelling and screaming from these powerhouses, but this heartfelt conversation was shattering her.

  Jackson stood up and everyone froze. “This has been helpful. Thank you. We’re going to go now.”

  “Jackson,” his mother implored, “don’t go just yet. Why don’t you two stay the night? You’re coming back here tomorrow for Sunday dinner anyway, right?”

  “Thanks, Mom, but we’re going to go. I have a lot to think about.”

  Jonathan walked over to his son. “I’m sorry, Jackson. I made some important mistakes.” He clasped his son tightly.

  When the men separated, Jackson remained steely. “We all have, Dad.”

  * * *

  They hardly spoke during the drive home, except to decide at whose house they would spend the night. Camille knew that Jackson needed time to digest what had just happened, and let him sit on the couch uninterrupted while she sorted out the plans for dinner.

  He patted the space next to him. “Come sit with me, Cam.”

  “Of course, honey.”

  She kissed him, not knowing how else to shift the sadness in his eyes.

  “Thanks for being there with me today. I’m sorry for how much we entangled you in our mess. No one should ever have to go through that.”

  “I’m glad I could be there for you. And I was the only one who got out of there unscathed. You all were insanely kind to me.”

  “I meant everything I said, Cam. I hope you know that.”

  I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Camille could not forget those words if she wanted to. Which she didn’t. “I do.”

  She ran her thumb across the crease on his forehead. “What can I do for you? Would you like to talk about what happened? Would you like to do something to take your mind off it?” She didn’t necessarily mean it enticingly, but perhaps it wasn’t a bad idea.

  “Actually, there is something I’d like to discuss.”

  She waited for him to continue.

  “One of the points my father made hit home. I think I have been a bit too casual about us. I take it for granted that you will always be here, with me. I assume my certainty and commitment should necessarily translate to your certainty and commitment. But that doesn’t respect and honor you. I don’t want you to ever question that you are a priority for me.”

  Camille had no idea where this was going, which left her feeling unsettled instead of clear. “Thanks for saying that. I know you’re here for me.”

  “I don’t want to be apart from you. I want you to move in here, with me.”

  Her heart skipped a beat. Before she could respond, he continued.

  “I’ve just been looking at this place, and although I think it’s big enough, I’m not sure it’s laid out well for you to have spaces you consider your own. We could remodel. I’ve been thinking about updating the kitchen anyway, and the guest suite. I think you could do it, and have it exactly how you want.”

  For the first time that day, Jackson looked hopeful. Happy even. But this was not comforting to Camille. “Jackson, I would love to talk to you about this, but I’m not sure now is the time, especially considering what’s going on with your family. Maybe we should focus on what’s happening now.”

  “Cam, there’s nothing more important than our future. There’s nothing I can do about what’s happened with my father. But I heard him clearly about taking our relationship seriously. And I want to do that. I want to talk about the next step for us.”

  Camille steadied herself. “I want to make sure you’re not bypassing, Jackson. We’re in the middle of something huge for your family. Is it really the time to plan remodeling your house and my moving in?”

  “Yes. It is.”

  She nodded slowly, knowing she had limited ability to change his train of thought. “Okay, then.”

  “Good. So what do you think?”

  “In theory, I would be happy to move in. There are a bunch of logistics to sort out, including my apartment, and our financial arrangement.”

  “I think it would probably be a good idea to keep your place, so we could stay there during construction. Then, we could sublet, or let it go, whatever you feel comfortable with. I don’t know what you mean by financial arrangement.”

  “Well, how would you like me to participate in paying for the house, or the construction, or bills?”

  His eyes narrowed. “I am not asking you for anything, financially. I’m fully able to take care of both of us.”

  “I know you’re able to, but it doesn’t mean you should. We’ve never spoken about this, but maybe we need to. We’re not in your parents’ era anymore. I don’t expect you to support me.”

  “I’m not trying to revive some antiquated fifties concept of partnership, but I don’t see any reason for you to pay for anything. Which is not a commentary on your ability to fully support yourself, which I know you can.”

  The doorbell was a welcome break of the tension.

  Jackson stood up. “Dinner’s here. Let’s eat and we can talk about this later.”

  * * *

  They sat at the table, plates half full with the dinner that neither felt like eating.

  Jackson moved a broccoli floret across his plate. “So, when would you like to move? I can get the movers there as soon as you like.”

  Tightness gripped her abdomen. “Jackson, I can’t do this. I can’t make these plans with everything else so unsettled. It’s not working for me.”

  He tapped his fork on the side of the plate. “Okay, Cam. What would you like to talk about?”

  “How do you feel about what happened with your family today?”

  He exhaled. “I feel upset and confused. I feel compassion for what my parents went through, and have a better understanding of what created their beliefs and behaviors, but I don’t know what to do with my father. I don’t know how to make our relationship going forward better than our relationship in the past. I don’t know if that’s even a possibility.”

  “Is there anything that would make you feel better?”

  “Talking about something else. Like you moving in.”

  “You’re relentless, Jackson King.” The tiniest smile made its way into her expression.

  “No argument there. But you know me, Cam. I’m as good about all of this as can be expected. Don’t you agree?”

  Camille took a moment to look at him. He was right. His behavior seemed integrated and solid. “Alright. I’ll let it go for now. We can talk about whatever you want.”

  “Let’s talk about money. We never really have, and maybe it needs to be explicit now. I know you are quite capable of supporting yourself. You don’t need me. But my taking on the financial responsibility for our shared household is a hard line for me. I wouldn’t be honest if I told you this was negotiable. It’s not. Can you be okay with that?”

  Camille knew that Jackson had very few hard lines. She would honor this one, even if she kept in the back of her mind that she might have more negotiating power later in their relationship. This wasn’t the end of their discussions about money. “Yes, I can. And I want you to know that I appreciate your generosity. I understand the intent behind it.”

  “Good. And it’s my pleasure, love. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

  She couldn’t quite get her face to smile the way she wanted it to, tightness pulling along her jawline. She tried to relax, unsure why she was still feeling so unsettled.

  Another disturbing thought entered her mind. “Have you thought about if we’re going to Sunday dinner?”

  “I’m back and forth on it. What do you think?”

  “This has to be your decision, Jack. Your stakes are higher than mine.”

&nbs
p; “I feel like we should go.”

  “I’m glad to hear you say that. I’m here for you.”

  “I know, love.”

  * * *

  It could have almost been mistaken for any of the Sunday dinners they’d had for years. Justin was bored, Julian was awkward, Jenna was frustrated with the rowdy class of seventh graders she’d been assigned. But Camille noticed all the undercurrents: Mrs. King’s over exuberance and exaggerated cheerfulness, Mr. King’s solemn expressions, and Jackson’s unyielding grip on her hand.

  She couldn’t wait to get back home. The tension, subtle as it was, had created soreness around her shoulders. They were nearly out the door when Mr. King asked them to join him in his office.

  He stepped behind his over-sized desk but didn’t sit down. “I am very happy you came to dinner today. It would not have been the same without you.”

  Camille looked up at Jackson with a silent urge to say something nice.

  “Thanks, Dad. I’m glad we came as well.”

  “I’m sure you know that I am happy you have made a commitment to building a home together. You young people seem to think marriage is outdated, but I realize this is your version of it. I’d like to help the two of you, even though you haven’t asked for it.”

  “I don’t know what you mean, Dad.”

  Mr. King proceeded to open a large, leather portfolio, and write something. When he tore out a section of paper, Camille realized he had just written a check. Jackson’s body stiffened.

  “I don’t know exactly what the remodel will cost, but here’s something to start. This is for the both of you.”

  Camille swallowed, afraid that their fighting would begin again.

  “Dad, I don’t need -”

  Camille squeezed his forearm, stopping the rejection she knew was coming. She spoke so softly he had to lean in to hear her. “Jackson, you said you would do anything for me. I need you to accept that check from your father. Please.”

  His eyes darted from side to side as he considered his options and processed her request.

  When Jackson stepped across the room to take the check from his father’s outstretched hand, Camille let herself take a deep exhale.