by Lauren Price
Toby is silent for a moment, before replying.
“You love him, don’t you?”
His blunt question catches me off guard.
“Love Alec?”
I think about it for a second. We’ve known each other for less than three months. He irritates me to no end, and I fluctuate between annoyance and adoration when it comes to him. He grates on me like no other person has grated on me before, and sometimes I want to slap him silly. Yet, my days without him are miserable. I think about him continuously. I feel safe, and happy, whenever he’s around. He manages to make my stomach flip and give me girly squeals of excitement when I think about him (very uncharacteristic of me). If I could, I’d be with him 24/7, getting high off the buzz in my chest.
When he helped with my panic attack. When we talked about our pasts at the train line. When he punched Toby and defended me. Well, not that he punched him, more the defending bit.
Do I love him?
“Not yet,” I tell Toby truthfully. “But I’m falling hard.”
I’ve said it aloud, and my stomach flips. Have I even told myself how far deep I was in until this moment?
“Tell him.” Toby smiles slightly. “Just go and tell him everything. If you feel like that, then he deserves to know because the chances are he feels exactly the same way about you. Everyone can see it, Riley.”
“What about Tiana?” The mention of her name is enough to make me dismiss the idea. “She’ll spread the thing about Kaitlin.”
“I can sort Tiana out,” Toby promises. “And if she spreads it, I’ll say the whole thing is none of her business. It’ll look like Tiana’s just being spiteful. Nobody will believe her.”
My heart begins to beat furiously, with hope, with excitement, I don’t know what. Toby has offered me a way out. “Why would you do this for me?”
“Believe it or not” – Toby releases my hands to tousle his hair awkwardly – “I do care about you, and I want you to be happy. I have a funny way of showing it, I know, but I do. If he’s going to make you happy, and there’s no chance for us to ever work out, then that’s something I need to accept. Riley, I’m not a bad guy. I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them, but I wouldn’t hold you back like that. Kaitlin would have wanted you to be happy, so it’s the least I can do given the circumstances.”
“What if he hates me?”
“He couldn’t. It’s not in him to hate you. Now go.” Toby gestures to the door. “The sooner, the better.”
“What, right now?” I ask him in surprise.
“No time like the present,” Toby says dryly.
I slide off my seat, wrap both arms round Toby tightly and squeeze my gratitude. My heart is racing with excitement and determination – this is just the boost I needed. The courage to tell my friends, to hold my head up high whether Tiana tells the world or not. If I think I’m falling in love with Alec, then I need to do whatever it takes to be with him. If that means admitting to my mistake, then so be it.
“Thank you,” I murmur. “Thank you, Toby, for letting me go.”
“Excuse me – sir, madam – may I take your orders?”
I pull away from Toby to see a waiter standing nearby, tilted awkwardly to the side to see Toby’s face. “I’m actually leaving, I’m afraid,” I say. My voice sounds breathless. I almost – not quite, but almost – sound happy. “Thank you for the, um, wonderful service and the spritzer, though. I think we’re finished here.” I glance back at Toby for approval.
“We’re finished,” he confirms.
“Oh okay, well in that case, have a lovely evening.” The waiter bids us adieu, rolling his eyes when he thinks we can’t see him.
“Thank you,” I say to Toby again, grabbing my bag from the table.
“You don’t owe me any thanks, Riley. Just go.”
I nod and make my way towards the entrance, nerves settling in the pit of my stomach. It’s time to put my trust in other people.
Just as I reach the entrance, I spot a familiar flash of blonde hair at a table to my right. I waver for a second, deliberating over whether I should just leave, or whether I could try to talk to Dylan. I don’t know if he’ll even want to talk to me, if he’s angry or what. I can’t help but gravitate closer towards him, until I can see over the edge of the cosy booth down onto my best friend’s dark form.
Dylan and Violet?
Candles are set out on the table between them. She’s laughing at something he said. An inexplicable warmth spreads through me. They’re on a date.
“Hey,” I say as I approach. They glance up in surprise, and I feel slightly ashamed for imposing on what appears to be their first date together.
“Riley,” Dylan says dumbly. “What are you doing here?”
“I was actually . . .” I trail off and glance behind to where Toby was, but he’s left by now. I turn back to the pair with a slight smile. “I was just fixing something with an old friend. How about you?”
“I think it’s pretty obvious what we’re doing, Riley,” Violet deadpans.
“Just wanted the confirmation.” I grin. “I’m happy for you guys.”
“You seem chirpy tonight,” Dylan notices. “Every time I’ve seen you this week you’ve been so down. I wanted to come and speak to you, but I couldn’t do it to Alec. I hope you understand.”
There’s them and then there’s me. They stuck together, and I’ve excluded myself. I need to fix that.
I nod. “I am happier. I’m actually on my way to fix things with him right now. Explain why I did what I did . . . I hope he listens to my side.”
Violet’s ears seem to prick up at this. “Can we know too?”
“Yeah, you can, but after your date. I’ll call you later, I promise. I hope you two have an amazing time, and I’m so sorry for ignoring you recently. I can explain everything, but I won’t ruin your date with that now. Make sure you treat her right, Merrick.” I glance at Dylan, before looking to Violet. “You behave yourself.”
“You make me sound like a toddler,” she scoffs.
“That’s because you are one.” I walk away.
I feel determined, ready. I trust my friends to stand by me no matter what, because I would do that much for them. If Tiana spreads rumours about me, I’ll survive. If she doesn’t, great. A nervous energy burns in my chest. This is terrifying, but I need to do it. Alec alone is worth more than any possible comment that can be thrown my way. It’s just strange that it’s Toby who’s given me the courage to see that.
“Go get your man, Riley!” Dylan calls as I reach the doors.
Oh, I’m planning to.
22
Chocolate Bars
Okay, so maybe I should have thought this plan through a little more.
“Alec!” I bang on the window, my eyes squinting in the rain. I’m kneeling on his windowsill in my dress, my curled hair hanging like rat’s tails in the heaven’s downpour. Some may call this torrential rain an omen. I call it an obstacle. Teetering slightly off balance on his window in the pouring rain – what could be more romantic than that? It shows determination. It shows endurance. It shows my willingness to fight for love.
It shows that you’re an absolute tit, that’s what it shows.
God, I hate it when my subconscious is right.
“Alec, please open the window.” I tap the glass again. His drapes are drawn and his window locked. For all I know, he may not be in there. It’s Saturday night, after all. He could be asleep. He could be out. He could be with a girl, I suppose, although that’s something I prefer not to consider. Rainwater is seeping right through my clothing now, and my hair is plastered to my face. I’m struggling to see through my wet mascara. Maybe I should just abandon this plan, go home and have a nice hot shower. I can send him a fax or something instead, apologising. I tap a few more times, lazily.
Just as I’m retreating back into my lair of rejection, the drapes are pulled apart.
Alec stares at me in shock, and it seems like he’s cursing, although I
can’t hear through the window and the rain. I’m glad that he’s only just discovered me here. That’s a lot less embarrassing than tapping at the window for five minutes in a thunderstorm, while he sits listening in his bedroom. At least this way, there’s hope that he wants to speak to me.
Alec gestures for me to move across so that he can open the window. He looks irritated. Then again, I probably would be too if the person I was annoyed with was sitting outside my bedroom, bashing my window like a deranged woodpecker in the pouring rain. Cautiously, I shuffle left, until I’ve moved enough that he can pull in the large window. I take an eager step towards shelter.
Rookie mistake.
My bare foot slips from the drenched ledge to the abyss below, shifting my balance dramatically as my whole leg follows it. I yelp, grabbing a hold of the window frame to steady myself. I attempt to pull my leg back up, but the windowsill is so small and soaked that I can’t get a steady enough point to lean on. R.I.P. Riley Greene, who fell off the side of a house while trying to break into a boy’s room. Frantically, my leg claws the wall for support to push up from but finds nothing. Shit.
Strong, dry arms loop round my waist, and Alec’s comforting scent envelops me suddenly as he pulls me up just enough to give my leg a support, so that I can scramble back up the ledge. “Jesus, you’re clumsy,” he mumbles in my ear, tugging me roughly through the gap in the window and into the dry. I fall forward, collapsing on his carpet like a sack of potatoes onto the floor while he shuts the window behind me.
This is when the awkwardness hits.
I sit, dripping a circle of water onto his carpet, unable to turn my eyes to meet his. This is the first time we’ve spoken in over a week. What if he hates me?
“Well,” Alec starts, offering me a hand up “I can see that your coordination hasn’t improved since we last talked.”
“I don’t think it ever will.” I laugh awkwardly, taking his hand. As I’m pulled up, I blush at the proximity between us. I am standing flustered and soaking wet against him – our faces are mere centimetres away from each other. I still haven’t managed to look him in the eye. My dress drips on the floor. My make-up must be halfway down my face, and my hair is stuck to the back of my neck. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. It’s the only thing I can think to begin with. I finally force myself to look up and meet his gaze. Those dark, brooding cobalt eyes stare back at me with a mixture of disbelief, hurt and annoyance.
And I realise in that moment just how freaking much I miss him.
“That doesn’t explain why you did it.” Alec looks away.
“Then let me explain for you now.” I swallow. “You may want to sit down.”
Alec stares blankly at me for a second, before leaning against his desk and folding his arms.
Better just get to the actual explanation then, Riley.
“I’ve told you before that Toby and I were childhood sweethearts,” I swallow. My mouth is dry, like sandpaper, and I’m forcing myself to get the words out. “There’s a little more to that story. Something I haven’t told anyone, ever. I gave you the impression that Toby liked me and only me, and that it was as simple as that. I let you think that it was me all along, in his eyes. That wasn’t really the case.” Rubbing my hands together, I brace myself for this next part.
“Kait and Toby were dating first. We both had liked him, and I was jealous that he liked her. I was fifteen years old, and I thought I was in love. The night of her death . . . they had been dating for over a month. Toby and I were at a party. Kaitlin had skipped it, and we both got drunk. I kissed him.”
Alec sucks in a breath.
“It was quick. It ended really quickly. But when . . . when I opened my eyes, Kaitlin was standing there. She’d come to surprise us, she’d seen the kiss and she ran. I chased after her. I was screaming, pleading for her to understand, but she kept running. She was so desperate to get away that she ran out of the house, into the road and . . . and she was hit by a car.”
I finally look up at Alec but his expression is blank, emotionless.
“I never got the chance to tell her how sorry I was,” I choke. “And I regret that kiss so much because if it hadn’t happened, she could still be alive. After her death . . . I sank into anxiety and depression. I was going to regular therapy, having panic attacks. I couldn’t leave my room for weeks I felt so sickened by myself. Toby visited me, and he was the only one who could almost normalise me again. Against my better judgement, we started dating. A few months in, he cheated on me with Tiana and then he moved to Chicago.”
I look up at Alec. My face is burning with shame.
“How does this link to the past few weeks?” He stands still, arms crossed, leaning back.
That’s all he has to say?
“Tiana found out,” I mumble, and Alec nods as if it confirms his suspicions. “Toby told her. She was blackmailing me with it, to get to you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. She told me to distance myself from you so that she could get closer to you. She made me go on a date with Toby because she knew it would push me and you apart. If I didn’t, she was going to spread my secret across the school. That’s why I haven’t been able to talk to you, and why I accepted Toby’s offer of a date. I didn’t want to hurt you, I felt I had to, and I’m so sorry for that.”
“What changed?” Alec asks bluntly.
His lack of reaction to this news is worrying me. He doesn’t seem angry, but he doesn’t seem happy either. He’s completely stoic.
“On the date earlier Toby found out about the blackmailing. He said he’d help me stand up against Tiana, and helped me realise that you are worth so much more to me than the opinion of lots of strangers.” I look down. “I know that’s corny, but it’s the truth. I’m not like you and Violet – I do care too much about what people think about me. It ruins everything. I see that now.”
Alec doesn’t reply; he’s quiet, as if he’s taking the news in.
“Talk to me. Tell me what you think,” I beg.
“I think it’s okay to make mistakes,” Alec admits, finally looking at me. “And that sometimes the only way you can learn is by making them. I’m not a saint exactly; I’ve done a lot of things I regret, but that makes me human. It’s what makes you human too. As for the more recent events . . . I wish you could realise that you are worth a million times more than what people think of you. Opinions, rumours, reputations, none of it matters. It’s all so shallow. You can trust us, you know that. Just don’t let Tiana push you around with the fear that other people define who you are, because they fucking don’t.”
“I won’t. I know they don’t. I’ve learned my lessons I promise.” I rub my arm to smooth down the goosebumps. I still feel awkward – I don’t know what to say, what it means for him.
“Good,” Alec says, and for the first time he cracks a smile before crossing the room in a few strides. His arms wrap round me securely, and I don’t even notice when mine wrap round him too. I feel so small, so safe when he’s hugging me. I kind of never want to let go. I feel him rest his chin on top of my head, and I close my eyes.
“I missed you,” I mutter. “Too much.”
After a second he replies, and I feel his muscles relax under my arms.
“I missed you too.”
I almost screwed this up.
“You’re amazing.” He tilts my chin up to look at him. His eyes are focused on mine, and his hand still cradles my face. “Your mistake, it doesn’t define you. I’m glad you told me. Whatever this is, it’s worth more than what anyone thinks of it.”
“I know.”
One day after my reunion with Alec, and already I can say I’m feeling a lot better.
I decide that it is time to tell my friends about my past, to tell them the reasons behind my actions this previous week or so. Of course, they think that it’s absolute crap. Violet gives me a hug and tells me never to leave her again. I get a lecture from Chase about all of the mistakes he’s made and how he just has to de
al with that every day. Joe and Dylan don’t seem to know how to handle it, so they just buy a chocolate bar from the canteen and present it to me in a small show of kindness.
As for me? I finally have the relief of saying that my friends know everything about me, and they don’t hate me for it. It sounds stupid, but when you hold on to something for that long, it’s hard not to blame everything that’s happened since on that one mistake. I obviously can’t let go of the guilt that easily, and it will take me a long, long time to get over Kaitlin’s death, but it’s a start. I’m at least going to try to let this go.
Unfortunately, my issues aren’t over quite yet. There is the question of what Tiana will do with the information. Whether she will let the whole school know about my past or not.
Luckily, I have the help of a lenient ex-boyfriend, a school prankster, a badass best friend and a champion bad-boy bra thief, and between us we think of a plan to bring Tiana down.
Step one of the plan – kid her into thinking nothing is out of the ordinary.
Using my Oscar-worthy acting skills, I’ve avoided my friends all morning. I’ve kept my head down, stuck a permanent pout on my face and sulked around very convincingly. Luckily, it seems to have worked. Nobody, apart from our little group, knows that we are all back on good terms again. I’m still receiving comments and glances from all of Alec’s fangirls, and Tiana has sent her progesterclones over to check on me every so often. They’ve reported back to her that my date with Toby went “okay”.
It has kind of sucked, to pretend for another day that I have nobody by my side. I miss my friends. I looked at them earlier, walking around together and laughing, and it stung a little even if I did know that it was part of the plan.
Step two of the plan – Alec lures Tiana into an ambush.
Cut to present, and you have Toby, Chase, Dylan, Joe, Violet and me waiting in a classroom for Tiana and Alec to arrive. For this step, it’s Alec’s job to lure Tiana to our classroom (probably with his classic Alec charm) where I can confront her. I’ll tell her that we’re all friends again, and that she can spread the rumours if she wants to. Then, with any luck, Toby will step in and say that he won’t allow the rumours to be spread anyway. I’m hoping that at this point, Tiana will at long last give an inkling into why she hates me so much. She seems to have a vendetta against me that’s about more than just the closeness between Alec and me. I want answers from that girl.