Breaking Matthew
Page 28
I fought. I hit my fist against everything. But I couldn’t find the hole. I couldn’t find the hole!
Be still.
The voice in my head wasn’t my own. I couldn’t think clearly. I slammed my hand against one thing after another. The steering wheel, the radio, the dashboard. The side of the car. And then I realized why I couldn’t find the hole. The door had closed when the car went over the waterfall.
Be still.
I felt for the door handle, pulled on it, but nothing budged.
Be still.
It was so dark and cold. I quit fighting. I couldn’t breathe. I was going to drown. This was it.
But then a small hand grabbed my arm. It pulled me, and I found my way past the seat and into the back of the car. The hand slid down into mine. Pulled again. I reached forward and felt the shattered glass of the back window. The hand pulled me forward, tugging insistently. My lungs were about to burst. I couldn’t hold my breath any longer.
My hand slipped from Ruby’s grip.
Ruby
I must have hit my head on something as I crashed to the bottom of the falls, ’cause all I saw for a few moments were brilliant flashing stars in my vision. The car sank away beneath me, carrying Matthew with it. Once I was able to register a thought, I dove under the water, reaching for any part of the vehicle to grab onto.
It took too long, and I was nearly out of breath as I reached it. I couldn’t see anything. I had to feel along the back window for the opening, slicing my hands as I did so. I pushed through the opening, praying God would lead me to Matthew. I could feel the water moving as he thrashed around, so I reached out and was able to find his arm.
I pulled him toward me, found the hole again, and pulled him toward it. But his body seemed to go limp. I moved around him and pushed as hard as I could. My lungs burned. Lord, please. Jesus, help. Save Matthew.
I pushed again with everything I had, blowing the last drop of air out of my lungs. His body floated up and away from me, toward the light. I could see now, a dark image of him drifting away from me as I sank lower. I reached for the hole in the glass. My hands slipped. Another slice of pain. Then the light spread out before me, like a brilliant sunrise, sparkling in the drops of water. And my lungs didn’t burn. And my skin wasn’t cold.
I drifted toward the light as it spread down around me, wrapped around me like a warm blanket. Someone called my name.
Ruby…
Chapter Twenty-Three
Matthew
I came to, spluttering and coughing up the water in my lungs, for a moment thinking I had not been healed from tuberculosis after all, and I was choking to death. A figure leaned over me. A man. Rain dripped off his hat. “You all right, fella?”
I bolted upright, taking a deep breath in the process. My lungs were clear, but a new panic surged through me. “Where’s Ruby?”
The man stood up and someone else knelt beside me. It was a policeman. “Young man, where’s the girl who was with you?”
I tried to jump up, but my head swam and the policeman grabbed my arm. “Whoa! Just hold on there. You ain’t going anywhere till all this gets straightened out.”
I looked around, frantic to find her. “The car…it sank…she grabbed my hand and pulled me out. But I…I passed out. Where is she?”
The policeman straightened up and yelled to someone further away. “No sign of the girl. Keep looking!” Then he looked back down at me. “You better start explaining, son.”
I couldn’t think of anything but Ruby. “Please, I promise I’ll cooperate. But I have to find her. I need to look for her.”
The policeman bent down and helped me stand. I looked out over the water and could see nothing. No sign of my car or Ruby. “Where is this?” I said. “Where are we?”
“That there’s Cold Spring,” the policeman said. “About fifty feet deep this time of year, especially with all the rain we’ve had recently.”
I shivered as a cold wind swept over my soaked clothes and body. “The last I knew of anything, Ruby had my hand and was pulling me out of the car. We have to find her!” I turned away from the policeman and called as loud as I could. “Ruby! Ruby!”
“Listen, son,” the policeman said. “We’ll do everything we can to find her. But I need to know what’s going on here.”
I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t think. All I could do was feel Ruby’s hand in mine, pulling me through the water. She was there! She had to be there!
“Ruby!” I called out to her, over and over. I dropped to my knees, praying she wasn’t still at the bottom of that spring. My chest tightened and burned where I’d cut myself on the back window. My heart thundered in my ears. I couldn’t lose her.
I made my way back to the water, intent on diving back down to the bottom. The policeman grabbed my arm again and pulled me back.
“I have to find her,” I choked out. “She’s right there! Someone just has to go in after her. We have to get her out!”
“The water’s too cold for anyone to—”
“I’m going back out there!” I yelled. “Ain’t nobody gonna keep me from finding Ruby!”
I waded into the water, still calling her name. I swam out to the middle, but I couldn’t even remember where the car had sunk. It had to be closer to the falls. I swam toward them. The freezing water felt like a thousand needles piercing my skin. But I kept on. I swam to the spot where I thought the car had gone down, and I dove under the water. I swam as far as my lungs would carry me, searching with my hands in the darkness.
Nothing.
I came up for air, but went straight back down. I thrashed against the cold needles of pain, against the fear overwhelming me. She couldn’t be gone. She just couldn’t be gone. I came back up for air. Went down again. And again. And again.
Nothing.
I dove down over and over, until I passed out. At some point, I woke up in a hospital room with my arm handcuffed to the bed. I tried to sit up, but it felt like my chest ripped open with the effort, and I fell back against the bed. Pain seared through every part of my body, and I must have passed out again.
When I awoke a second time, it was dark except for a small lamp beside my bed. I was in my room at my parents’ house. The handcuff was gone. Or had I imagined that? As my surroundings came into view, I remembered where else I’d been. I tried once again to sit up.
“Easy,” came a deep voice from the end of the bed. Father moved beside me. My heart thudded against the burn in my chest.
“Where’s Ruby? Did they find her?”
“No, son, they didn’t.”
A gut-wrenching moan worked its way up my spine and out of my throat. “No!” I cried. “She was right there. She was right there. I had her hand.”
Mother came around the end of the bed and took my hand, tears spilling down her cheek. “Are you all right, honey?”
“I have to go help look for her.”
Daddy frowned and he cleared his throat. “They found your car, but there’s been no sign of Ruby yet. Police are going to keep looking tomorrow. They’re expanding the search to the surrounding areas and the creek that flows out of the spring.”
I couldn’t lie still. I couldn’t breathe. My whole body revolted against the pain coursing through it. I couldn’t have lost her. Not after everything! I shook and moaned again. Forcing myself up to the side of the bed, I shook my hand out of Mother’s grip.
“I have to help find her!”
Father grabbed my arm. “Now, you listen to me, young man! I’ve had just about enough of your foolishness. You have endangered your life and the well-being of this family. And this is the last time I’m going to step in and save you from yourself!”
My reason slowly returned to me, and I remembered who I was dealing with. “What have you done now?”
“Oh, that’s rich! I kept you out of prison, is all. Not that you’ll ever thank me for it. I explained everything to the Sheriff from Blount County, and talked to Sheriff Peterson, and Judge Woods.
I had to tell them how distraught you’ve been over everything. Explain how you wanted to drive down and see Ruby immediately after she was moved. That you only happened to be coming down the road after the gunfight with those…those hoodlum uncles of hers. I explained that you would never do anything to help her escape. She must have somehow talked you into going for help, and you had an accident. End of story!”
“And how much did it cost you this time, Father? To buy two sheriffs and a judge?”
“Matthew, please,” Mother whimpered. “Don’t push us away again.”
“You’re lucky the sheriff and that deputy are going to be all right,” Father said. “If they’d died, even I wouldn’t have been able to save you.”
“I’m lucky?” I yelled. “They’re lucky Ruby was there! She saved their lives.”
Father closed his eyes and pinched his nose between his fingers. “If you mention one word about that wretched girl healing them, I swear—”
“I can’t do this right now,” I said, pushing myself up to the edge of the bed. “I have to go help look for Ruby.”
“This is ridiculous,” he muttered. “It’s pitch black and freezing. You’re an hour away from the scene.”
“I’m not staying in this house.”
Mother sobbed on the bed beside me. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t feel anything for her. Everything inside me for either one of them was completely numb. I stood, steadying myself before opening the closet. It was empty. I’d already moved out. And everything I owned was in my car. At the bottom of Cold Spring. I couldn’t go anywhere.
Slamming the closet door, I turned back to Father. “So I suppose I’m trapped here? No car or even a shred of clothing.”
“Perhaps it’s best—” Mother started.
But rage exploded through me, and I tossed over the armchair in the corner of the room, stumbling with dizziness. “Don’t you get it? I have to find Ruby!” They both looked at me with wide, shocked eyes, which only made me angrier. “None of this would’ve happened if it hadn’t been for you!” I flew at Father, punching him square in the jaw.
He stumbled back a couple of steps and fell against the bed. I stood over him and watched the disbelief spread over his face. He touched his hand to his jaw, worked it from side to side. Then he stood and straightened his coat.
“If you are so eager to leave, then I will make sure you have a car…in the morning. You will go nowhere tonight.” He looked down at Mother, now weeping into her hands. “And you will apologize to your mother.”
Then he calmly walked around the bed and out the door.
The next morning, there was a car waiting for me. I didn’t bother thanking him, ’cause I knew as soon as possible I’d be returning it. But even if it meant relying on Father, I had to have the car for the day, so I took it and drove to Cold Spring.
A large number of people were busy searching the area around the spring and the creek, including some folks from Hanceville who had heard the news. I kept my distance from most of them, not wanting to answer any questions. The water level was still uncommonly high from all the rain, and midway through the morning, the skies opened up again. More than half the volunteers went home, but I couldn’t. I walked up and down the banks calling Ruby’s name until I lost my voice. I knocked on doors of houses, asking if anyone had seen her and giving out the Sheriff’s phone number.
By the time the sun hung low in the sky, I was about dead on my feet, and a pretty serious cough had taken up in my lungs. I trudged through the rain back to the car, and drove back up ’31 toward Hanceville. I wanted to go to Asa’s place and find comfort with people who would understand, but I was terrified Ruby’s loved ones would blame me. What if they wanted nothing more to do with me?
I argued with myself for a few miles, but in the end, I had to go. It was the only place I was sure I’d be able to feel her presence. As I drove down the long dirt path that led to the farm, I spotted several cars and wagons in the yard. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it just hit home that Ruby was missing, and the knot in my gut twisted.
I parked my car and walked up the front steps. The door was open, so I could see inside. Several people were milling around, mostly neighbors. On the other side of the living room, I spotted James standing beside Emma Rae, who held a baby in her arms. Anger ran unchecked through me, and I thought to storm across the room, meaning to lay him out. But I caught myself. I was just as much to blame as anyone else.
Instead I stepped into the doorway and looked around. I couldn’t see Asa or Mrs. Graves anywhere. Only a bunch of people I didn’t know. Then across the room, the door to the bedroom opened, and Asa and Dr. Fisher came out. They closed the door behind them and continued talking, so I decided not to interrupt them.
I turned to my left and headed into the dining area and kitchen, stopping in my tracks when I saw Henry seated at the table. He looked up at me from a plate of biscuits and leapt to his feet.
“Is there any word?” he asked.
I shook my head. “When did you get here?”
“Just today, ’round lunchtime.” He fell back into his chair. “I didn’t get Ruby’s letter till about a week and half ago. Then I couldn’t find a way to get here. Wound up hitch-hiking and jumping on a train or two.” His shoulders sagged, and he picked at a biscuit on his plate. “Still too late, though.”
I fell into a chair at the table with him and nearly came apart. Ruby would be so happy to see her brother. I could picture the joy on her face, and that hurt more than anything else had so far.
“You been looking after Ruby real nice, from what I hear,” he said. “Can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
“I didn’t, though. I didn’t take care of her yesterday. I did everything I could, and it wasn’t enough.” I rested my elbows on the table and dropped my head into my hands so I wouldn’t have to see the pity in his eyes.
“Sounds like you nearly got yourself killed trying to save her.”
“I have to find her,” I said. “I have to go back out there. If she’s hurt or…”
“I’ll help you. I swear, if she’s…we’ll find her.”
The murmur in the living room stopped all of a sudden, catching my attention. A low, deep voice filled the house. “Is there a Mrs. Graves here?”
I turned around in my seat as Ruby’s mother stumbled out of the bedroom door. Asa took her arm. I stood and moved into the living room, followed by Henry. The voice was coming from a deputy I didn’t recognize standing in the doorway.
“Mrs. Graves, I wanted to let you know that the search for Ruby has been called off.”
“They found her?” Mrs. Graves exclaimed.
The deputy looked stricken. He took a step toward her. “No, ma’am. There’s still no sign she ever made it out of the spring. The Blount County Sheriff’s office is calling off the search, saying they’ve thoroughly covered every place they could look.”
Mrs. Graves’s eyes swam. “Does this mean that they’re declaring…that she’s considered…dead?”
My knees nearly buckled, and I leaned against the wall behind me. Dead. The word sat in the pit of my stomach, churned up the bile. She wasn’t dead. There was no way. I would know. Somehow, I’d know she wasn’t in the world any longer.
Henry went to his mother and held her while she wept. The deputy shifted his weight, looking increasingly uncomfortable. “Ma’am, I ain’t sure about that part. I was told to tell the family that the search was being called off. I’m sure someone will let you know about…the other part soon.” He tipped his hat and backed out the door.
Asa came toward me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “We’re glad you’re here, son. Come on in here.” He guided me into the bedroom and showed me to a wooden chair near the bed. Mrs. Graves and Henry followed, with Dr. Fisher coming in last and closing the door behind him.
Mrs. Graves fell onto the bed and began sobbing. I thought the sound might split me in two. “I’m…I’m so sorry,” I said.
“You about drowned yourself trying to get to her from what the officers said,” Dr. Fisher added. “You feeling all right?”
I must have looked terrible. I sure felt it. I coughed and rubbed my hand over the stitches in my chest. “I reckon I’m all right. I just…I can’t give up. I have to find her. Me and Henry, we’re going back out there tomorrow.”
Dr. Fisher came over and knelt down in front of me. He peered at me the way he used to when I was sick with T.B. “How do your lungs feel?”
“Fine. I just have a bit of a cough.”
“Sounds like you’re getting sick.” He felt my forehead. “Fever, too. You better rest. You could get pneumonia, and with your history, that could be deadly.”
“I don’t care.”
He raised an eyebrow, then reached for my shirt. “You mind if I have a look?”
I unbuttoned my shirt and opened it. “It won’t make no difference. I’m not quitting till I find Ruby.”
“You’ve pulled some stitches loose. And you’re well on your way to infection.” He pressed gently on the wound. “Let me take care of this, and get you in a bed. Then tomorrow we’ll talk about what you should or shouldn’t do.”
I’d run out of energy to argue with him, but I knew I was going back out there the next day. And the next. And the next. As long as it took to find her.
The Graves family put me up again. And every morning for the next three days, Henry, Asa, and I set out for Cold Spring. We walked around it, searched up and down the woods, the road, the tiniest branches that weaved away from the spring. There was simply no trace of her.
By that Sunday, my body simply gave out. I was ravaged by a fever, infection in my chest wound, and a cough that brought back terrible memories of the searing pain of tuberculosis. That morning, I lay on the Graves’s sofa wanting desperately to go back to the spring and search again, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was lie there and cough, choking on my misery.