Greyson
11th grade. High school sweetheart. Perfect until he cheated when he went away to college. Came back and ended up in a class with me at my college. Fell in love again, he was sad and needed someone when his sister died. I was there. I thought we'd get married, but he moved away again. I waited a few years for him and continued pursuing acting to focus on something. He never came back and it was hard to get over him, but I did… somehow….
Spencer
First guy I dated since Greyson. Surreal type of gorgeous face and body… and fun. Helped me with my first film experience. Made kissing scenes real and honest. Made my heart skip. Everything felt like a dream, a good one. Then saw him kissing another girl on set at his trailer. Decided not to date him, but agent said it would he good exposure. I didn't want to date him, but I didn't want to mess up my career. So if he called, I answered. If he kissed, I kissed. Yadda Yadda … ended up cheating on me with said agent. All done. No tears. Just done.
Sawyer
Not my typical type of guy. I like blondes. He isn’t. I like outgoing ... He's kind of a hermit. So on and so on. Something drew me to him though. And I gave him my number. Didn't expect the recluse to call, but then I never wanted him to stop. We had so much in common it's kinda scary. But then we hit the things we didn't have in common and he couldn't let it go. He wanted me to change, but not himself. Maybe I was selfish and I see that now ... But he was too, right? There’s no ending yet. I hope there never is. I still love him.
Dan
Just like Spencer he said and did all the right things. Unlike Spencer, he was smart and made me think. He hugged me when Sawyer hurt me and kissed me when I felt alone. I guess I just fell into his trap without realizing it. Haven't caught him cheating that I know of, but I'm suspicious. He has trust issues and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s because he knows he’s not trustworthy. I could be reading into things, but London’s right whether I want to admit it or not. She thinks I’ve jumped from guy to guy throughout my life, with no breaks, but that’s not true. It’s just that acting became “my guy” when there was no guy there to hold. What she is right about though … is Dan. I don’t not love him, but I'm not sad when he's gone. I just think of Sawyer. Always.
I reread the list a few times and saw a few patterns. I pulled out my trusty iPad and googled a few things, then finally came up with a conclusion.
None of those guys were ever the problem. The problem was me.
And I was done being the problem.
London couldn't help because of an important case at work and I didn't trust anyone else, so I packed up whatever fit into my car and showed up at Ella's house. When I pulled up I noticed quite a few cars outside and decided to call instead of surprising her, but she didn't pick up. I turned the car off and walked up to the door. Lots of movement inside. I knocked. No one answered. Louder. No one answered. I turned the knob and peeked inside.
"Nora!" Ella ran over to me with a baby wrapped to her chest. "What a lovely surprise!"
The room silenced and everyone stared at me. I waved awkwardly and hugged Ella, then Gavin as he came up to me. Ella turned so I could see the baby's face. "This is Gavin Junior," she said.
"Not my idea." Gavin laughed. "How've you been?"
I looked at everyone sitting on the couches, still staring at me. "I'm good," I said without thinking. "Actually, no. I'm not good, but I'm okay." I smiled at Heidi and Patrick across the room. "I'm ready to make some changes and part of it is to make time for new friends."
Ella smiled and a little one tugged on her shirt. "Mama." She lifted her hands up.
"Love," Ella said to Gavin. "Could you pick her up? She's probably tired."
"Wow," I said. "Is this Adelaide? She's gotten so big since last year."
"Yeah," Gavin said, lifting her into his arms. "And now we have another one on the way."
"What?" I looked to Ella. "You guys are pregnant again already?"
They nodded.
"Wow. Congratulations you two." I glanced at the others in the room. "Sarah." I walked over to her. She stood and hugged me. "I'm so sorry I missed your wedding. I was filming at the time ... or maybe in the hospital. I can't remember."
The man beside her pulled her into himself and shook my hand. "I'm Vasili." He held her hand and looked into her eyes. They seemed lost in each other for a few seconds, then he turned back to me. "It's nice to finally meet you."
"Yeah, I'm so sorry. I wish I had met you sooner. How was the wedding?"
Sarah grinned. "It was perfect. Simple and beautiful. Nothing too fancy." She looked gorgeous, even amidst the burn scars from her accident. And she looked happy. Really happy. "And," she said, patting her stomach, "we're expecting a little one this winter."
"That's so wonderful." I gave her another hug. “Wow. Everyone's moving on with weddings and babies so fast." I moved on to Heidi and Patrick. "Don't tell me you guys are pregnant too?"
Heidi tried to smile. "Not yet."
"We're trying," Pat said. "Haven't been so lucky."
"Oh, guys. I'm sorry."
"It'll happen if and when it's supposed to."
Heidi nodded.
"Where's Matt and Lydia?" I said. Ella looked down. So did everyone else. I didn't know them well at all, but suddenly found myself concerned. "Everything okay?"
"How are things with you?" Sarah said. "Movies good? I heard you were nominated for an award. And you're married now?"
"I'm hoping I'm not actually married because I have no recollection of it and I'm not the type to get drunk and forget things."
"What?" Ella said. "Didn't you want to marry Stan?"
"It's Dan." I sighed, sitting down. "I'm sorry I haven't been in touch."
Ella sat beside me and put her arm around me. She could win an award for compassion and love. I leaned my head on her shoulder and stared at the baby. "I don't want to ruin your party," I said. "I didn't realize ... I thought I'd surprise you and I really didn't want to come here all bummed out tonight."
"Don't worry about it," she said. "It wasn't really a party. Just a little get together. I'll go get your room set up so you can stay a few days."
"Thanks, Ella."
She disappeared up the steps with the baby and Gavin followed with Adelaide. Heidi stood and touched Pat's arm, then nodded to the door. "We should get going," he said, then hugged Vasili and Sarah, but not me. Heidi waited at the door with her daughter. I kissed Pat once before they were officially together and it meant nothing. His heart was always set on her, but she never liked me. At least it felt that way.
I walked to the door and hugged her anyway, but she pulled away fast and walked out the door. Pat quickly followed, nodding my way as he left. Maybe she believed I was a cheater like the rest of the world.
I closed the door and sat back down across from Vasili and Sarah.
"So what's your next movie?" Sarah asked.
"Oh, um...." I shifted my position and looked down. "I don't know if I'm going to keep doing this."
"Really?" Vasili said, exuding peace like no one I'd ever known. "Why not?"
"I'm kinda processing it all still. One thing is for sure though ... I'm not staying with Dan."
"I understand," Sarah said. "I was engaged before Vasili to a guy I felt obligated to marry. He was really nice on the surface, but I think everyone closest to me knew I wasn't happy. I guess I just wanted to save him from his depression, but it was killing me. I wasn't strong enough to be a savior or a martyr and it was painful to realize that. I had to come to a place where I realized how weak I was. How much I needed love too. I was being emptied and never filled up. People don't realize it, but selflessness can kill you in all the wrong ways if you're doing it for validation and not out of your own strength of love. I didn't have that strength so all of my so-called altruism was ruining me. But ... then, in my weakness, I found something amazing. The love Vasili and I had from the start was so real and honest and I think the best part about it is that it's the one
romantic relationship I've had that has challenged me and he helps me become a better person." She stopped suddenly and looked at him. "Sorry. I got carried away. Did you want to say something?"
"Well," he said. "I agree with that all the way through. I think the best thing about what we have isn't that we can laugh and talk for hours like best friends." He put her hair behind her ear and smiled. "Any marriage can have a good friendship, but what makes it special to me is that we never stay the same. We don't make each other worse, we make each other better. It's beyond commitment too. It's ... I can't explain it," he said. "But I love it."
I smiled. "You guys are gonna make me cry. And now I gotta spend a few days with the King and Queen of romance." Ella and Gavin walked downstairs. "I'm not sure whether I should be inspired or depressed."
Everyone laughed. I smiled.
"You'll find the right one," Sarah said, then raised her eyebrows. "Oh, no. I sound like Ella."
Ella smiled and rolled her eyes. "It feels good though, doesn't it?"
"To sound like you?" Sarah laughed.
"To believe in something that seems impossible."
"And," Vasili said, "to realize that it's the people crazy enough to believe that make impossible things possible."
"I believe," I said, nearly jumping out of my seat. "I believe and I have found true love and guys ... I'm ready to wrap my hands around what seems ... well, I’m ready." I stood and flushed with warmth. "I'm the one stupid enough to find the best fish in the world and then throw it back to the sea, but ... I know what I need to do now."
I thanked everyone, especially Ella and Gavin for their hospitality, then retreated upstairs to the guest room where I smiled at the ceiling knowing I'd never be able to fall asleep.
The next afternoon Gavin and Ella showed me around Lancaster. Compared to New York it had such a quaint and delicate feel. They took me to the town square which was nothing like Times Square, and we got lunch and snacks at the local downtown market. A lot of Amish people passed us on scooters and even some horse and buggies could be found up and down the city streets. A city is a city, no matter how small it is, but this particular city had charm and peacefulness, even amidst the busy nature typical to a city. I loved it and didn’t want to go back to the house, but they needed to get the kids down for a nap and I guess after all the traveling I needed a little rest too. So we went back and everyone napped for a little. I woke up an hour later and stared at the beautiful golden, auburn, and burnt orange leaves dangling to their branches, desperately holding on to those last few days of life.
I thought of Dan and everything he’d done for me. He wouldn’t understand my decision to go back to Sawyer. I’m not sure many people would. Only those who knew Sawyer like I did. Knew his heart and the way he never gave up, no matter how hard some things got for him. Dan loved me though and I really cared about him, but looking into his eyes was nothing like looking into Sawyer’s. Like Dan said, sometimes it takes the wrong path to help us see what’s so special about the right one.
I bet he thought he was the right one.
The award’s show was only six nights from now. I already had a dress picked out and a hairstyle planned. I figured everyone would think I lost my mind, but I couldn’t wait to show them that I actually found it.
Some kind of loud noise disrupted my thoughts. I cracked open the door to my room and listened. Down the hall it sounded like Ella and Gavin were fighting, but that seemed impossible. I held my breath and listened again.
“I’m doing everything I can,” Gavin said. “There’s just nothing left. You have to stop spending on other people so much. This family comes first.”
“Gavin, I don’t spend that much.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Is it that bad? How could you let it get that bad?”
“It just did. I don’t know. We have five days to pay or we’ll lose everything.”
I closed the door and sat on the bed. Gavin and Ella arguing sounded nothing like a typical fight, but it definitely made me uncomfortable.
Someone tapped on my door.
“Come in,” I said, sitting up on the bed.
Ella walked in, smiling. “Are you enjoying your stay?”
“I always do. You guys have a way of making people feel like your home really is their home. I love it here.”
“I’m so glad.” She set a stack of fresh towels on the dresser across from me. “You know, this was Gavin’s room when he grew up. I knew right away I wanted it as a guest room because it’s one of the brightest rooms in the house and I love the window seat here.” She sat down and peered through the sheer curtains. “Sometimes I sit here and imagine him as a teenager, writing songs or reading his huge stack of books, and I wish that I could’ve been with him all of those years. Life is so short.” She signed and turned back to me. “I hope I get more years with him in my life than I had without him.”
“You most likely will,” I said. “You two are such an inspiration to me.”
She smiled and closed her eyes as though she were imagining his hand in hers.
“Are you guys the types to miss each other when you’re in separate rooms?” I laughed. “Oh, no, my husband is in the backyard and I’m here cooking without him. I miss him so much.”
“Pretty much.” She laughed. “So what are you planning to do about Dan and Sawyer? Seems like a tough position you’re in.”
“It is and it isn’t.” I took a deep breath and pictured both of their faces. “Dan is special and it’s going to hurt when I tell him the truth, but I think he’s always known. Besides, as much as it’s going to hurt him, it’ll help him in the long run. I’m not the right one for him. He deserves to find that person.”
“And you think for sure that Sawyer is that person for you?”
“That’s just the thing,” I said. “I’ve been trying not to think it. I’ve tried to avoid it. My mind would just create these weird reasons and excuses about why it wouldn’t work or why it wasn’t right, but no matter how much I try to think that it’s not right, everything else inside me points to him. You know how Sarah was saying that Vasili makes her a better person? Well, Dan is amazing, but he spoils me. He never disagrees with me or challenges me. He lets me do whatever I want constantly and I’m sure some people would love that in a spouse, but I’ve realized that I’m not going anywhere like that. I’m not changing or growing. It’s like being a caterpillar stuck in the metamorphous stage. My wings are growing, but I feel like I’ll be stuck in this cocoon until I die.” I imagined the many disagreements Sawyer and I had over the course of our relationship. “Sawyer challenges me to become better. Even if it feels intolerable sometimes, everything about him pushes me to be better and stronger and he’s not afraid of my wings. He wants me to grow beautiful wings and fly about as I wish.” I paused. “I love him, Ella. I don’t just love him for what he does for me. I love everything about him. Good, bad, in between—I really, really love him.”
She nodded her head with a slight smirk on her face. Cupid at her best. I often wondered if she’d ever get tired of seeing other people fall in love. Same story over and over again with different settings and characters. Girl meets boy, some obstacles keep them apart, then they end up together. Seems so trivial, but it’s so much deeper than that and although I could relate to the smirk on Ella’s face and the beauty of finding love as she did with Gavin, it was different for me. It’s different for all of us and I think that’s what makes it never get old.
“So, what will you do?” she said.
“I’m going to tell Dan when I get to New York. He’s meeting me at our house. I mean, his house, a few days before the award’s. I’ll tell him then,” I said. “As for Sawyer, I have a cute little idea that I hope he loves as much as I do.”
She stood. I did too. She hugged me tight and touched the stack of towels she brought in. “Inside these towels,” she said. “Is something special for you.” She walked back out and closed the door. I shook my h
ead and laughed, wondering if it was possible for her to be rude.
I looked inside the towels and pulled out a picture frame of Sawyer and me on the bridge, kissing. My red scarf around his neck was the only thing in color. A small quote on the bottom read:
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. - Aristotle
Nothing could've been more true.
My trip to Ella’s ended way sooner than I wanted it to. After checking with my financial advisor, I wrote a check for fifty thousand and left it on the pillow with a little note that said, “You give so much. Please let me give too.” I smiled as I left the room and couldn’t wait to surprise Sawyer. But the thought of breaking up with Dan rattled my insides. Growing up, I broke up with people over the phone. Yes, I was one of those. I couldn’t confront them face-to-face because I hated hurting their feelings. Probably didn’t help that I was broken up most of the time by a text message, no matter how deep I felt the relationship had grown.
“Okay,” I said to myself as I parked in Dan’s driveway and thankfully avoided paparazzi most of the trip. “You can do this.”
I responded to Dan’s text when I got out of the car, telling him I’d be inside in a few minutes. Can’t wait, he typed back, making my stomach flip a few times. Apparently, some butterflies in the stomach can make you want to spit them out.
I walked slow, very slow, then finally stood in front of the door. The doorknob intimidated me. It’s shiny brass metal waiting to be touched and turned, leading the way to a moment I wished I could fast forward through and get to the good parts. I touched it gently and held my hand there for a minute. Sweat formed between my palm and the metal. I twisted, pushed, and opened the door to a million rose petals all over the hallway. Vases of red and white roses lined the walls, forging a bath to the living room where candles flickered. My record player hummed a sweet blue’s tune from the 60’s by Otis Redding called The Glory of Love. One of my favorites. It never sounded so bad before. Every note of his soulful voice made me want to run back to my car.
Marilyn Grey - [Unspoken 06] Page 19