Adam

by K. A. Robinson

  I pushed into her, groaning as she tightened around me. Her breath caught as I filled her. She was so wet and hot that I almost came the moment I entered her. I pulled back and slammed into her again. I knew I was being rough, but I couldn’t stop myself. I ground my hips against her, and she sucked in a sharp breath. I kept my pace hard and fast, never once slowing. I couldn’t. Pure carnal lust had clouded my senses. The only thing I could think about was how she’d spasmed around my dick as she came apart.

  I wrapped my lips around her nipple and sucked greedily. Amber chanted my name over and over as I felt her body beginning to clench around me again.

  “I can’t…oh God, Adam. I love you,” Amber shouted.

  My body locked up as I released inside her. My forehead dropped onto her, my body shaking, as I fought for every breath.

  Then, her words finally registered.

  I love you.

  I jerked away from her and stood. She opened her eyes and gave me a questioning look.

  I stood several feet away from the bed, my chest rising and falling quickly, as I tried to form a coherent thought.

  She said she loved me. That…that wasn’t possible. Amber can’t love me. It would ruin everything. She knows there’s absolutely no chance of us being together. She knows that.

  “Why are you over there?” she asked.

  I took another step back, desperate to get away. I needed to think without her around me.

  “Oh shit, we didn’t use anything,” Amber said, her head dropping back onto the pillow. “I know you’re OCD about wearing one, but I swear, I’m on the pill. You don’t have to freak out.”

  I shook my head. She had no idea.

  “You…”

  She raised an eyebrow. “What?”

  “You said you loved me.” My voice came out hoarse.

  Amber froze. “What? No, I didn’t.”

  “Yes, you did.” I took another step back. I was tempted to run from the room. I’d rather have Eric see my naked ass than deal with what was happening in here.

  “No, I didn’t,” Amber repeated.

  “Jesus fucking mother holy son of a bitch!” I shouted. I was losing it. I could feel it. “Yeah, you did. When you came, you told me you loved me.”

  “I didn’t…” Amber trailed off as the blood drained from her face. “I…holy shit. I didn’t mean it, Adam. It just slipped out in the heat of the moment. I say stupid shit when I have sex.”

  “You’ve never done that before,” I said. My voice still didn’t sound right, even to my own ears. “Never.”

  “I don’t know why it slipped out. I’m sorry.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment and willed my body to calm down. If my heart beat much faster, it would fall out of my chest. I didn’t want to be in this situation. I’d let myself get so caught up in Amber that the thought of her feelings growing didn’t really cross my mind.

  We liked each other. We were friends. We fucked like animals. That much I’d been aware of.

  Anything else was impossible.

  Eric had seen this coming. He’d known when he asked me how I felt about Amber. Maybe he had tried to warn me. Or maybe he had tried to get me to consider the possibility of more with Amber.

  I stepped closer to Amber, my entire body rigid. We had to settle this—now.

  When I reached the bed, I sat down next to her. “Do you?” I asked quietly.

  “I…no, of course not,” Amber said.

  Even I heard the shakiness of her voice. She was fooling neither of us, and she knew it.

  “Don’t lie to me,” I said. “Do you?”

  She stared up at me for a moment. “Would it make a difference?”

  I stilled. “No.”

  “Then, why are you asking me?”

  “Because I need to know.”

  Tears suddenly filled her eyes. I started to lift my hand to comfort her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t let her think I cared because I didn’t. I couldn’t.

  Then, why do I feel like she just punched me in the gut?

  I didn’t want her to hurt like this. I couldn’t bear the thought of her suffering because of me.

  “Yes. I think I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.”

  I jerked back as if she’d hit me. I stood and started pacing the room. “This wasn’t supposed to happen! Goddamn it, Amber!”

  “I’m sorry, you asshole. If I had a choice in the matter, I wouldn’t. God knows I’ve tried to stay away from you. I’ve done everything I could possibly think of to make myself forget you. It didn’t work. Every man I slept with, every kiss, every little thing always reminded me of you. None of them were enough to make me forget about you for long.”

  I froze. Every man she slept with? Just how many fucking men has she been with since I left for Los Angeles?

  Jealousy surged through my body. I didn’t want anyone touching her but me.

  “How many men have you slept with?”

  “Excuse me?” she asked in disbelief.

  “How many men have you slept with since I’ve been gone?”

  “Why the fuck does that matter?”

  “It just does,” I said, my voice tinged with so much anger. I worried that I would hit something if I didn’t calm down.

  “I don’t know how many,” Amber finally said. “I’ve lost count. I lost count a long time ago.”

  My blood boiled. I wanted to demand names. I wanted to leave this room and kill every single one of them.

  “Don’t sit there and pretend you haven’t been with other women.”

  My eyes narrowed. “I have.”

  “And that’s okay, but it’s not okay for me to have sex? Talk about a fucking hypocrite.”

  Of course it was okay for me to fuck other women. I was a whore. I had been for a long time, much longer than I’d known her. She was so different from me. She was too good to lower herself to my level. She deserved better.

  “You’re different. No one can touch you.”

  She snorted. “That’s bullshit, and you know it.”

  “The thought of someone else touching you and moving inside you makes me want to rip that fucker’s head off. You’re mine!” I shouted.

  “I’m not yours,” she spit out. “You made sure I understood that—repeatedly. The thought of me loving you sends you running across the room, yet you don’t want me to be with anyone else. What the hell do you expect from me?”

  I had no idea. I wanted her, but I didn’t want to keep her. I couldn’t.

  But the thought of her being with others made me want to scream.

  “I…I don’t know,” I said, looking away.

  “What am I to you?” Amber asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

  I stared at her.

  A minute ticked by and then another.

  My eyes traveled over every inch of her beautiful body. My heart started racing again when I looked into her eyes. I let the last two years flow through my mind—Amber making me laugh, pissing me off, driving me nuts.

  She made me feel.

  “You’re everything to me,” I said, speaking the truth before I’d fully processed it. “But it doesn’t matter. It never has, and it never will.”

  Amber looked as if I’d given her a puppy and then kicked it out a window. I winced as pain flashed in her eyes.

  “What happened to you? What could have possibly happened to make you so cold that you won’t even acknowledge your own feelings?” she demanded.

  My eyes locked with hers. It was time that Amber learned the truth about me. After all this time, she deserved to know why I treated her the way I did. “I loved someone once, and she destroyed me.”

  “What?” she whispered, shock filling her voice.

  “I loved Hilary the moment I saw her,” I said, lost in thought. Even after all this time, it still hurt to even say her name. “She was everything to me.”

  “When was this?” she asked.

  I grinned, but it held no amuseme
nt. “The first time I saw her was my junior year of high school. She was a new student. For a year, I watched her, talked to her, but I never let on how I felt. Finally, I grew a pair our senior year and told her everything. Instead of running away, she threw her arms around me and kissed me senseless. After that, we spent every day together. We did everything together.”

  Memories flashed through my mind at warp speed. I’d been so young and stupid. I’d handed Hilary my heart without thinking twice. I’d loved her unconditionally.

  “I wanted to marry her. I was seventeen, and I knew I wanted to be with her forever.” I swallowed roughly. “Then, she got pregnant.”

  I waited a moment before I spoke again. I wanted to give Amber time to process everything I’d told her. She needed to understand why nothing could ever happen between us.

  “Her parents freaked, as did mine. They demanded that we get rid of it. We refused. They kicked us both out. My uncle helped us though. He gave me a job at the store and found us a place to live. It was cheap and dirty, but it was all I could afford. I worked my ass off, trying to save money before the baby came. Even though things were bad, it was probably the happiest seven months of my life.”

  “Seven months?” she whispered.

  Pure hatred seared through me. “Hilary broke down and told me the truth two months before our baby girl was due. She didn’t think the baby was mine.”

  “What?” she gasped.

  “She’d been sleeping with a guy we went to school with—Brandon. Apparently, she’d been sleeping with him a hell of a lot more than she had been with me. She was almost positive that it was his. She’d gone to him before she told me, but he hadn’t wanted anything to do with the baby or her. He’d told her to stay away from him, so she came to me. She knew I would take care of her.”

  “Jesus,” she muttered.

  “I don’t think she would have ever told me, except Brandon’s skin tone is a bit darker than mine, so there would be no way for her to hide if it wasn’t mine.”

  Her eyes widened. “Oh.”

  “Yeah. I was so angry with her, but I couldn’t leave her. I knew she didn’t love me, but there was a chance that the child was mine, so I stayed until she had the baby.” I paused, lost in memories that seemed like they were a lifetime ago. “When Hilary went into labor, I prayed that the baby would be mine. I didn’t care if Hilary wanted me or not. If that baby were mine, I wanted to keep her. I’d give her everything in the world.”

  A tear slid down my cheek. I’d never once cried about what had happened, but I was now—in front of Amber. “Abigail was the most beautiful little baby I had ever seen, but she was definitely her father’s child. She had the darkest skin I’d ever seen on an infant. It was as if God wanted me to know in that very first moment that she wasn’t mine.”

  Amber clamped her hand over her mouth to keep from crying.

  My tears ran freely down my cheeks. “I took one look at her and saw everything that could have been. Then, I walked away. I had no future with Hilary or her baby. Even if I wanted to stay, Hilary never would have let me.” I glanced at Amber. “Maybe it was for the best. I saw Hilary two years ago. She was out with Brandon and their little girl. Looked like me leaving had finally made him man up. They found their happily ever after.”

  I didn’t bother to mention that I’d beat the ever-loving shit out of Brandon when I saw then that day. I was ashamed that I’d lost control like that.

  “I don’t even know what to say, Adam. I’m so sorry that she hurt you like that.”

  She reached out and took my hand in hers. I instantly pulled it away. I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone, especially Amber, touching me right now.

  “It was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. I learned my lesson early.”

  “It does matter. It still bothers you, Adam. That’s why you won’t let yourself feel anything for me.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not her. You can’t punish yourself and me for something neither of us had control over.”

  I glared at her. She still refused to understand.

  “I had control the whole time. I was the dumbass who chased her. I fell in love with her. If I hadn’t, she never would’ve been able to hurt me the way she did. So, yeah, I had control.”

  She shook her head. “No, you didn’t.”

  “I did.” I shrugged as if this was a normal conversation that didn’t bother me at all.

  I’d let my walls down enough for a lifetime. Amber would get no more from me.

  “Now you know my life story. Feel honored. You’re one of the few. But knowing changes nothing. No matter how much you might want me, you’ll never have me. No one will.”

  “Adam—” she started.

  I cut her off, “You don’t get it, do you? I don’t care if you love me. I don’t want you!” My voice was cruel, but I meant for it to be.

  Amber couldn’t hold on to hope for an us. If she waited for me, she’d be wasting her life. She deserved better than that.

  “You told me I was everything to you. You wouldn’t have said that if you didn’t want me.”

  I laughed. “You are everything to me in a way. Everything I care about, you provide. You fuck me whenever I ask for it. You get down on your knees and suck me off like a good little girl. You never tell me no.” It nearly broke me to say those words to her, but I had to.

  Amber meant more to me than that whether she realized it or not.

  She glared at me. “You’re lying. I know you are, so stop it. Just be honest with me for one damn minute.”

  “You want honesty? Fine. Here’s what I think of you. I thought you were my friend. I thought we could fuck with no attachment. But I was wrong. You think you’re in love with me, but you’re not. You just want to use me like everyone else. You’re a whore, Amber. You might not have been one once, but you sure as hell are now.”

  “Shut up!” she screamed at me.

  “You wanted honesty, so there it is. I think you’re a whore. But at least you’re good at your job. Why do you think I keep coming back? That cunt of yours can fuck my dick like no other. I’m sure all those other guys would agree with me.”

  “Shut up,” she whispered as she wiped tears away. “You’re only trying to push me away. It won’t work.”

  I laughed as I stood up. “Think what you want. I don’t give a fuck. But I do want to be clear about one thing. This…this thing between us? It’s over. I’ll never stick my dick in you again. God knows what I’d catch.”

  She stared at me in horror. I gave her one last cruel smile before disappearing out the door. I walked to the living room where I’d stashed my overnight bag when the band and I first got into town, and I unzipped it.

  “What the fuck?” Eric grumbled. “Your bare ass is, like, four feet away from my face.”

  I didn’t say a word as I pulled out socks, underwear, jeans, and a shirt. I pulled them on quickly before stuffing my feet into my shoes. I needed to get out of this house before Amber came after me.

  “Dude, what’s wrong?” Eric asked as I opened the front door. “Where are you going?”

  “Need air,” I mumbled. “I’m going back to the bar.”

  He started to speak again, but I cut him off when I closed the door behind me. I stood outside the door for a moment, trying to clear my head. I took a deep breath, the cool night air filling my lungs. I emptied my mind as I started walking, following the sidewalk back to Gold’s.

  The bouncer grinned at me when I walked up to him. “I didn’t think I’d see you back here tonight. You looked like you had…plans.”

  “Shit changes,” I mumbled as I brushed past him.

  Instead of heading for my normal table, I walked straight to the bar and sat down.

  The bartender appeared instantly and smiled. “Hey, Adam. What can I get for you?” she asked.

  I reached into my pants pocket to pull out my wallet. I was going to need a whole lot of cash to make myself forget. I cursed when I realized that my walle
t was back at Drake’s house—in the same room as Amber. I sure as fuck wasn’t going back there to get it.

  “Apparently, nothing. Forgot my wallet,” I growled.

  “Don’t worry about it. You can drink on the house tonight.” She winked at me.

  “Give me Jack then. Straight.”

  She turned to grab the bottle.

  “Actually, just give me the whole damn thing. I’ll come back and pay.”

  “Gold’s owes your band a lot. You brought us a shit-ton of business for years. I think we can spare a bottle of Jack.” She handed me the bottle and a shot glass. “If you need anything else, just let me know.”

  “Thanks.” I poured my first shot.

  I lifted it to my lips and tipped the glass back. The whiskey burned all the way to my stomach, but I barely noticed it. Without hesitation, I poured another. I drank. I poured again. I drank again. I kept going.

  After my fifth shot, I slammed the glass down on the bar.

  I looked up to see the bartender warily eyeing me. She was obviously rethinking her decision to give me the bottle.

  Too fucking late now.

  I knew those shots were going to hit me hard and fast, but I didn’t care. I needed something, anything, to get my mind off Amber.

  My stomach clenched. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the whiskey or the thought of how I’d left Amber. The look on her face when I’d told her she was a whore—Jesus. I’d told her everything, and then I’d ripped her to shreds.

  There would be no coming back from that conversation.

  But that was what I’d wanted. I knew the only way she’d forget me was if I made her hurt, made her hate me. She thought she fucking loved me. She was wrong. I was incapable of being loved. I’d made sure of that.

  I should be relieved. Amber would no longer be in my life, tempting me and fucking with my head. That was what I needed—a clean slate. I didn’t need her goddamn face in my mind every time I fucked another woman. I didn’t need the guilt that always followed.

  I swear that you love her. Eric’s words from earlier came back to me. You’re either too stubborn and scared to admit it, or you just haven’t realized it yet.

  My heart started to pound faster and faster in my chest as his words played over and over in my head. Was that what this was? Love?