I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it without making it known how socially awkward I really was.
So I nodded.
We silently chewed on the cookie, watching the sunset ahead. I wasn’t sure if it was him that move or me, or maybe both of us, but by the time my break was over, the whole left side of my upper body touched his. I didn’t even need a jacket. Not when Jackson emanated warmth from his body like the sun.
“Thanks for the cookie,” I said softly.
“You are very welcome.” Jackson held the door opened for me, his eyes tender as he took me in.
When I walked in, the first thing I noticed was Jude was gone along with his friends and girlfriend.
I let out a sigh of relief and looked to the booth by the window. Aiden was there drinking coffee and working on his laptop.
Jackson shot a wink at me over his shoulder and walked to Aiden. I didn’t even notice Grant was near until he spoke quietly beside me. “Did you spend your break with Jackson?”
I looked to him, picking at my hangnail. A nervous habit. I wasn’t sure what I should tell Grant.
He never liked Ethan, but Ethan was just Ethan.
Ethan didn’t have the power to ruin me. I knew that. Grant knew it, too. But Jackson was a completely different story.
“I have to get back to work,” I said, walking away from him, giving his shoulder an affectionate squeeze before I went.
“We have to talk about this eventually,” he said. “You can’t hide from me forever.”
But I wasn’t exactly hiding. Not really.
I was stalling.
Our shift ended a little over nine in the evening.
My legs were sore with each step I took.
A quick glance over to my left told me that Jackson and Aiden were still there. They hadn’t left the booth since.
After changing out of my work clothes, I grabbed my bag and met Grant at the counter. “Ready?” he asked.
That one word was heavy with meaning. Was I ready to talk to Grant?
I wasn’t so sure. Not when I was still so confused on a lot of things. I nodded anyway. He was my ride home. Grabbing my hand, he led me out the front door.
We passed Jackson and Aiden on the way out, and I stared straight ahead, afraid to make eye contact.
Grant gave a small nod of acknowledgment, but he didn’t pause.
I could feel both sets of eyes on the back of my head as I left, burning through me, no doubt leaving its mark.
Grant was unusually quiet on the short drive home. I would have thought he’d questioned me as soon as we got inside the car.
When he got to my driveway, he turned off the headlights but left the car running, the heat on full blast, directing it toward me.
I stared out the window, to the one-story house I grew up in.
The yellow paint on the outside had already been chipped away due to the harsh weather of Seattle and time.
The porch swing was broken almost nine years back, and my dad never got around to fixing it.
It tilted off to one side, barely hanging on, seemingly unable to hold onto even the slightest of weight, and yet it was still there, still hanging after all those years.
I never sat on it for fear of falling.
My eyes moved down to the patch of dirt off the porch. Remanence of a rose garden my mom had planted when she was alive and well.
I looked back to the front door, the faded red paint catching my attention. I was still looking at it when Grant finally spoke.
“Jackson seems nice.”
I made a noncommittal sound at the back of my throat. “I guess so.”
“They both seem very nice.” He paused. “But I don’t see how we can ever be friends with them.”
“Why is that?”
“Because Jackson is… unpredictable.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
“Yes,” he replied with no hesitation.
“Why?”
“Because unpredictability is always bad.”
“Not always.” I shrugged, trying to maintain an air of indifference. I failed miserably.
“When it comes in the form of Jackson, it is.” Grant angled his body toward mine. “Why are you trying so hard to argue with me? You’re not really considering being with him, are you?”
“I…” I shook my head, but I wasn’t sure what it was exactly that I was saying no to. “I don’t know.”
Was I even considering the possibility of being with him? Before, Jackson was nothing more than this idea. He wasn’t something tangible or real to me.
I knew he was; I knew he was there. I caught sight of him in the hallway enough times to know exactly how real he was.
But he didn’t know I existed, and that made him safe.
Safe to dream about, safe to admire, safe to think about and still be able to keep my sanity intact. But now that he noticed me, it left me reeling.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do anymore, and Jackson just scattered what was left of my sanity like one would the ashes of loved ones. Who was to say he would be more careful with my heart?
“What about Ethan?” Grant asked.
I looked at him, and I knew my eyes must have reflected my sadness. “We haven’t been together for a long time now.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being alone for a while.”
“I’m not afraid to be alone,” I said with as much conviction as possible.
It was his turn to give me sad eyes. “You know you don’t need either one of them, right? You still have me no matter what. You don’t have to be alone.”
My eyes flashed toward him, before I said sharply, “I know that. Like I said, I’m not afraid to be alone.”
Grant didn’t look like he believed me. I grabbed my backpack from where it rested beside my feet and opened the door. Getting out, I gave him a half waved and walked into the dark house without a backward glance.
I knew Grant stayed there to make sure I was inside the house before he drove off.
I locked the door behind me and leaned against the cold wood. I could hear his car backing out, and then he was gone, leaving nothing but silence and doubt behind.
I looked around the familiar furniture, and without venturing further inside the house, I knew my dad had already left for work.
I was alone.
I turned up at school the next day earlier than usual. The weather was getting warmer and warmer with each new day that passed, but the morning air was still chilly enough to make my walk to school uncomfortable.
I pressed my stiff hands under my armpits, trying to keep warm. When I got to my locker, Ethan was already there, sitting on the floor with his back against the metal door.
“You’re here early,” I said, dropping my backpack on the floor and sitting down next to him.
He turned his head away from the book he was reading and flashed me a familiar smile. The smile he reserved specifically for me. I hadn’t seen that smile in a very long time.
When my eyes moved up to meet his, I was pleasantly surprised to see them clear and lucid. “I was waiting for you,” he responded. “But I wasn’t sure when you would be showing up.”
“You could have called.”
“Yea, but then that would ruin the surprise.”
My brows pulled in together, and I could feel a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips. “Surprise?”
He nodded, and reaching behind him, pulled out a single red rose. “For you,” he said softly.
“Thank you.” I took the flower from his hand and gently placed it on my lap.
He grabbed onto my other hand and hold it between both of his. “I’ve been neglecting you.”
I didn’t say anything because we both knew he had. He had been like a ghost in the past weeks… in the past months. So I looked down to where we touched. His hand was so much bigger than mine. It covered mine up completely. I had always been fascinated with a man’s hand, and I happened to like this part of
him best.
“But I’m going to make this up to you. Are you working tonight?” I shook my head. I was scheduled to work Saturday and Sunday, but Grant would be working by himself for the night. “Good. Let me take you out. You can put on the blue dress you know drives me crazy, and I’ll wear that button up blue shirt you got me. I’ll even tuck it in for the occasion.” He winked, causing a small giggle to escape my lips.
Standing up, he pulled me with him, until he was in front of me, covering my five foot three body frame against the locker door.
He kissed me chastely, sweetly, like how our first kiss had been. “I have to go, but I’ll pick you up at your house tonight,” he whispered against my lips.
I nodded, the rose held tightly in my fist.
One last lingering kiss, and then he was gone.
It wasn’t until I opened my eyes and took in my surrounding that I realized we weren’t alone as I had hoped.
Clusters of students stood in the hallway, some chattering among themselves, completely oblivious to all that went around, while others stood staring at me. My face burned, and I could already imagine the types of stories they got out of that small moment I had with Ethan.
I turned my back to them and opened my locker door, the familiar squeak the metal door emitted was a welcome noise among the endless chatter.
I had shoved the textbooks I wouldn’t need until noon in there when a large arm appeared by the side of my face, followed by a familiar chest that had already taken up residence in my mind in the fantasy department.
I turned my head slowly, my eyes raking over his big and fit body before I could stop myself. He was grinning when I finally took in his handsome face, though his expression softened when I met his eyes. “Hi,” I said.
“Hey. So I was thinking.”
“About?”
“You.” His lips slightly perched from the word, drawing my attention to it.
“What about me?” I asked after an unnaturally long pause.
“Go out with me,” Jackson said, bring reality back into distinct focus for me.
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?” he asked, his brows lowered.
“I have a boyfriend.” A boyfriend who was uncharacteristically sweet to me moments ago. A boyfriend I wasn’t planning on leaving for Jackson. “I don’t think we should…” I begin, but I wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. What were we doing to begin with anyway?
Closing my locker door with more force than necessary, I made a move to walk around him, but Jackson blocked my path, and somehow, he managed to move his body in even closer to mine than before.
He smelled like mint and something else. Something familiar.
Coffee. I never knew coffee could smell so good
“Jackson,” I warned.
“I see the way you look at me. And I know you see the way I look at you. Don’t lie to yourself. I know he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”
I laughed. A humorless, cynical laugh. “And you will?”
He nodded, his eyes serious. “I will. Just give me the chance to prove it to you.”
I placed my hands on his chest, feeling his skin tightened beneath the thin black shirt he wore. A part of me wanted to hold him close.
But it was hard to forget we were in front of an audience. It was even harder to forget that I had never been the type of girl to be unfaithful. I didn’t want to start then.
I shove him away instead. He must not have been expecting it because he gave way easily enough.
Hitching my backpack up to my shoulders so that it was secure, I walked away from him without a backward glance.
I knew he was looking at me without having to turn around.
The day dragged on.
Ethan was nowhere to be found, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that he had ditched school. At the rate he was going, I wasn’t sure how he was going to graduate at the same time as me.
Grant noticed my turmoil throughout lunch, but he didn’t say anything. He sat close by and let me fume on my own.
I would catch glimpses of Jackson throughout the day, and whenever I looked at him, I would already find his eyes on me, his expression neutral.
He was a hard boy to read. But having his eyes on me, as wrong as it may seem, was exhilarating as it was unnerving.
I walked home by myself that day.
The house was thankfully quiet, all except for the occasional loud snore coming from my dad’s room.
I rummaged through the fridge for anything that wasn’t beer and was lucky enough to have come across a half sub sandwich my dad must have brought home.
I unwrapped it and ate in the silence of the kitchen, my mind wandering back to Jackson.
I knew exactly what I was doing, I just wasn’t sure if it was the right decision for me.
Jackson was right. Ethan hadn’t been much to me since the start of the school year, not as a friend, not a shoulder to cry on, and arms to offer up comfort, least of all, he hadn’t been much of my boyfriend.
But I was still choosing him over the possibility, the idea of being with Jackson.
Ethan was safe, he was there, even when he wasn’t. He was sure. Whereas Jackson was… he was out of balance. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know who he was as a person or if he could be trusted with my heart.
He was such an enigma to me.
And that made him dangerous.
At around six, I went into my room and changed into the blue dress Ethan was talking about, straightened out my hair and put it up in a ponytail. I even wore a little makeup.
Ethan showed up a half an hour late, with his favorite jeans that, over the year, hung loosely around his hips due to weight loss, and a pair of red shirt… untucked.
5
Past: Emily
We went to a small popular diner close to home.
To say I was disappointed was an understatement.
“What are we doing here?” I asked when the hostess led us to the back of a booth.
Ethan smiled. “Our date.” I looked over him carefully. I didn’t know how to respond to that without sounding rude. “Are you okay?” he asked.
I gave a small nod.
Was he okay? I wanted to ask. My eyes searched him, from the casual gait to his relaxed shoulders… even still, there was something off about him, and not because he seemed oblivious to my uncertainty on—well—everything.
The phone Ethan placed on the table vibrated, cutting off my attention. Ethan smiled when he saw the name flashing on the screen. Standing up, he bent over to where I sat and planted a chaste kiss on my cheeks before he took the phone call outside.
My eyes followed him until he was out the door. I could see him walking back and forth on the sidewalk by the front window.
The bell chimed when the front door opened again, and a group of people walked in, obnoxiously loud.
I turned back around to my seat and stared down at the menu the hostess set on the table when we came in, but my appetite was gone.
I wanted to go home and not see anyone for the rest of the night, Ethan included.
The table next to ours was occupied by the group that had come in. A surge of irritation raced through me when their laughter got louder, along with their voices.
My eyebrows pulled together in a frown. A burst of heat ran along my cheeks when I heard one of the voices spoke. He sounded distressingly familiar.
Looking to the table, all the breath left me when I found four pairs of eyes focused my way, and in the center of them, Jude and Beth sat, a matching grin on each of their faces that I didn’t like.
What were the odds that, even when I wasn’t working, I would run into them? I quickly averted my eyes to the empty seat across from me, the one Ethan had left. I prayed he would return soon, but a quick glance out the window, and I found the space where he was supposed to be empty.
“What are you doing here all alone?’ Beth asked, her voice pitched highe
r than usual. The other two people that were with them snickered.
“If you’re alone tonight, sweetheart, I can keep you occupied,” one of them suggested crudely, followed by obscene hand gestures that told me exactly what he was talking about.
“Nah, dude. You don’t want to tap that,” the other one said. “That’s Jackson’s sloppy seconds.”
My eyes widened in surprise, and without thinking I turned back to them, taking in all of their expression. The two that spoke both wore an expression of cruel amusement, while Beth looked murderous and Jude… well, Jude looked at me with interest in his eyes.
I wasn’t sure whose expression I was more scared of. Beth’s of Jude’s.
Hot tears burned my eyes, and I looked down. I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction to see me cry, but I couldn’t exactly leave the restaurant without bypassing their table. I had never been cornered before, and they were doing a pretty good job of showing me exactly how it felt like without even getting within three feet of me.
I blinked away the tears, but new ones took its place, and as a sob made its way up my throat, a large shadow fell over the table. I flinched and held back a scream.
And then a large hand appeared in front of my face. I froze in my seat and stared at the hand. It looked oddly familiar and comforting.
I knew it wasn’t Ethan’s hand, and I had an inkling on who it was right next to me. I followed the trail of his bulky arms with my eyes, to his broad shoulders, up to his messy short chestnut hair, and finally to beautiful amber eyes.
His face, which was set in hard lines and angles immediately softened when he met my eyes. He moved his hand again, indicating that I should take it, and I place my much, much smaller ones in it, trusting him to be careful with me.
He was.
He gently helped me up and pulled me in close, until he had one arm wrapped around my shoulders. I buried my face in his chest, taking in the familiar scent of him. Like mint and coffee.
When I looked up, I could see the shock expression on each of their faces. I quickly turned back and focused on the golden skin of Jackson’s neck, to the way his Adam’s bobbed up and down when he swallowed.
Jackson's Girl: Being His Duology Page 5