True Calling

by Siobhan Davis

  Dr. Zousa arrives just as we’re leaving, she hugs us in turn and tells us to keep strong and not to think the worst: but it’s far easier said than done.

  ***

  I get off in Prism with Lily and walk her all the way to the medical facility, she’s holding up well and I’m proud of her. I hug her for longer than necessary and make her promise to contact me if she needs me at any point during the day. I then start the journey to Militia.

  The NSAFTA doors are secured when I arrive, owing to my abject lateness. I receive special dispensation, given the circumstances, and I’m immediately pardoned. I take a seat at the back of the auditorium, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. I see Eve turn and look strangely in my direction, her expression is hard to read. I wait for her outside the room afterwards.

  “Ari, I’m so sorry about your dad, my mom told me,” she says. I don’t trust myself to speak so I just nod in acknowledgement. We walk in silence for a few minutes and I sense that something is off.

  “What’s wrong Eve?” She says nothing but I can see that she’s troubled. “Oh, just spit it out, will you,” I shout at her unfairly. She can no longer disguise the hurt look in her eyes.

  “I saw your date with Evan last night.” I’d totally forgotten about that, but I’m in no mood to discuss it now, it’s a minor irritation compared with the main drama in my life.

  “Eve, I’ve no interest in him and I won’t date him again, so it’s really not worth losing sleep over,” I say more harshly than I should.

  “You led him on!” she shouts at me and I see some girls in front of us turn and look.

  “What? That’s preposterous, I did not!” I say in disbelief.

  “Whether it was intentional or not doesn’t matter! I’ve seen his post this morning and he’s smitten. I don’t stand a chance,” she says bitterly. I’ve never seen her like this. I can’t believe it, she knows my father is missing and all she wants to do is fight with me over some stupid boy. My anger surges to the surface like molten lava, ready to erupt violently.

  “You want to fall out over a boy? Fine, I’m done talking anyway,” I shout at her before stomping off back down the corridor.

  I’m furious and I don’t care that I’m pushing into people as I go. As I reach the main entrance doors I hear my name being called. I ignore him and keep on walking towards the gate, but he catches up with me and grabs me by the arm, so I have no choice but to stop. I refuse to look up at him, I know all my resolve will melt if I look into his eyes. “Ariana, what’s going on? Where are you going?” Cal asks as he attempts to meet my eyes.

  I stubbornly resist, and looking at the ground I say, “My father is missing.”

  “What? How?” he says, his voice registering shock.

  “I don’t know much,” I tell him, “that’s why I’m going to NSAF now to talk to my father’s boss, I need answers.”

  “I’m coming with you,” he says loyally. I forget that I’m not supposed to look at him as I automatically lift my head to shake it. Oh, how I’ve missed him! I want nothing more than to feel his lips on mine, his arms tenderly holding me, but publicly defying the authorities will only add to my woes, and I’ve enough on my plate as it is.

  “No,” I say firmly as tears sting the back of my eyes. “We have to stick to the plan,” I whisper before running off towards the gate. He doesn’t follow me.

  I wait for hours to meet with my father’s boss, Senior Commander Vegas. I thank him for seeing me, knowing how difficult it must have been to find a window in his diary at such short notice. I don’t learn much though and I’m extremely frustrated. My father’s mission was to take aerial shots of the planets to the west, but the last reading of his stealth-craft showed him in a different place altogether. The tracking beacon just disappeared and they haven’t been able to locate the craft since. I had enquired into the Vita tracking device locator but for some unexplained reason, they’re getting no readings on any of the crew. He’d been quick to point out that it doesn’t necessarily mean the worst, it could be that the area they’re in has conflicting technology that’s interfering with ours. A full rescue mission was launched last night, and it’s already en route to their last known location. The Commander promised to contact me as soon as he has news, but in the meantime there’s nothing to do except sit and wait.

  ***

  I’m getting more and more depressed as each day passes and there’s still no word on my father. The rescue mission reached the point of their last known location but could find no evidence of the stealth-craft. They’re continuing to search, but I’m sure the likelihood is that it’ll be called off soon enough. Mom is in a permanent catatonic state and no one has been able to get through to her. Dr. Zousa is becoming increasingly insistent on the need to move her to the NMF psychiatric wing. I consistently refuse, but I know it’s only a matter of time before that decision is taken out of my hands.

  Lily, Deacon and I are functioning, but only barely. I go about my day in a zombie-like state. I start my cookery lessons and show up for beauty treatments and fertility injections, but I’m like a shell of a person. Most people have given up trying to engage me in conversation at this stage, although people are sympathetic given the circumstances. Eve still isn’t talking to me and I’m really hurt. I know I was mean to her, but I would’ve thought Eve, of all people, would understand.

  Ben has dropped over a few messages from Cal, he looks like I feel. He’s participating in ‘The Calling’, but so far has refused to attend his doctor for the sense elixir. He’s had two visits from the authorities warning him that he must comply. I’m worried about him, but I don’t tell him that, stating the obvious isn’t helpful. And if he wants to take a stand then who am I to tell him otherwise? Instead, I whisper that he’s very brave and to watch his back.

  Cal’s messages have a dual effect. His expressions of love warm my heart and give me the strength to keep going, they also fuel my pain and sometimes it feels as if my heart is going to explode into a million tiny pieces. He constantly begs to meet up and I have to repeatedly tell him no. My sixth sense is on overtime at the moment and I sense that they are watching me; as if the authorities are biding their time, waiting to catch me out. I don’t want anything to happen to Cal on my account.

  I work my way through the rest of my dates, but I’m only there in body. The boys usually give up after the first hour; it’s difficult to have a conversation all by yourself. My ratings plummet but at least my air-time is minimal now, I’m not offering much in the way of entertainment these days. Not that I believe for one minute that they’ve taken their eyes off me; I’m positive they’re watching me, every second of every day.

  I reject Evan’s request for a second date, but that seems to make no difference to Eve, she still doesn’t contact me. I know I should extend an olive branch, she’s done that enough times, but I can’t summon the will to do it. I purposely avoid looking at any of Cal’s dates as I know the pain would be unbearable. He’s still featured highly on the male ratings list and that tells me all I need to know.

  The public still seems fond of me though. There was a broadcast on the missing stealth-craft, so now everyone is aware of my father’s status. The reception from the public has been so touching; no matter where I go in Aqua people come up to me and try to offer words of comfort and support. Ordinarily I hate any kind of attention, but this outpouring of love from the community has really touched me, it helps keep me sane.

  The Suitors Ball is fast approaching and it’s a nasty reminder that my suitor will be chosen shortly. I feel sorry for the poor unfortunate guy, whichever one of them it happens to be. Fenuka still hasn’t let me see my dress. She’s been very concerned at my rapid weight loss and is busy altering the dress so that it’ll be ready in time.

  She started sending me daily IM’s, reminding me to eat. When that didn’t work she sent dinner deliveries to the house, I was touched that she was thoughtful enough to include meals for my whole family. It made me re
alize that I haven’t just been neglecting myself, so now I ensure that we all sit down at dinnertime together. Mom is the same and I don’t know what to do about it. The thought of sending her to a psychiatric ward is upsetting, but the effect she’s having on Lily is worse.

  Lily spent the first couple of weeks trying everything to coax her out of her stupor. She read to her, watched her favorite movies with her, danced for her and regaled her on a daily basis of all that happened in school. Nothing sparked any response and one day Lily just gave up. I have no one to talk to about it and I’ve long since stopped crying, I think I’ve exhausted all my internal reserves. I am numb with pain and grief and loneliness.

  The dreams continue unabatedly. I have no energy for figuring them out anymore although Zane is a constant fixture in my head at night. He fights for space alongside Cal and my father. Dr. Victus finally caved and granted me a supply of sleep patches, I automatically apply one every night and look forward to the quiet. After a few nights, the dreams find a way through the drug induced haze and I find no more peace.

  Zane is working out in the underground gym and practising combat maneuvers with several other military clad men and women. He is walking with the blonde haired girl when they stumble across a hangar and hidden laboratory.

  ***

  I’m walking out of the Academy the next night, deep in thought, when I see them. She has her arms draped firmly around his neck, and her lips are placed so tightly on his that I don’t know how either of them is still managing to breathe. I would cry if I could, but instead I just feel my heart rip apart. I run away quickly, wanting to put the image of Cal kissing another girl out of my mind. I’m in so much inner pain that I don’t hear the footsteps behind me until he is right beside me. “Ariana, wait, please let me explain,” he says breathlessly as he runs alongside me. I don’t want to hear any of his pathetic excuses, I know what I saw, and there’s no way he’s going to lie his way out of this one.

  I push him roughly to the ground and standing over him I scream, “Leave me alone, I never want to see you again.”

  Back home I can’t stop pacing, I can’t sit still, I can’t eat, I can’t cry. I wonder briefly about checking both myself and my mother into the psychiatric ward, but then there’d be no one left to look after Lily and Deacon. I decide to try and run this out of my system. I haven’t been to the track in weeks and I feel myself calming down as soon as the woodland appears.

  The tears finally come and I let them flow as I run speedily around the track. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. Lily and Deacon are all I have now, I think, as I finally face the realization that my father isn’t coming back. I miss Eve so much, but even she can’t think much of me as a friend, if she can forgo our friendship so easily. I can’t get the image of Cal kissing that girl out of my head, no matter how many times I bang my forehead against the side of the wall. The pain is actually quite soothing, but I force myself to stop. Bringing on a concussion won’t help my current situation. I criticize myself for being so stupidly naive to trust him so easily, he’s played me for a right fool. How simple it was for him to replace me in his affections.

  Ben is waiting outside my door when I arrive back home. I tell him I don’t want the message from Cal, but he implores me to take it. And it’s obvious he won’t take no for an answer. I can’t be mean to Ben, he’s just too nice, so I take the envelope. Once inside the house I tear it into tiny pieces and put it straight in the bin.

  Cal is waiting for me outside the canteen the next day; I tell him to get lost. That’s when he loses his temper. “Why have you forgotten what I said to you, that last time in the woods,” he whispers angrily before stomping off down the corridor. I haven’t, I just didn’t think that he was seeking my approval to go kiss other girls. What, does he really expect me to believe that this is all part of the act? He really mustn’t think much of my intelligence if he thinks that I’m going to fall for that. Well, two can play that game, I think.

  I instantly regret it. Not that seeing Cal’s face so full of rage, hurt and disgust wasn’t worth it. It’s because Ada is such a nice guy and I have just blatantly used and abused him, I’ll never be able to face him again. If it had been a quick kiss then maybe ... but it was much more of an assault really. My face burns in humiliation. What have I done? I think, as I recall the last few minutes.

  I hadn’t planned it but seeing Cal walking down the steps with another girl had triggered a switch in my head. Ada was just unfortunate enough to be walking beside me at the time. I’d grabbed him quickly and pushed him up against the wall. I kissed him so intensely that I half expected his lips to be bleeding when I finally pulled away. But there was no blood, in fact, I think he quite enjoyed it, as I remember the wide grin that slowly spread across his face. I vaguely remember his arms clasping tightly around me in the heat of the moment. Of course I didn’t hang around long enough to face the music, I just fled the scene, like the coward that I am.

  I try to avoid eye contact with anyone as I make my way home, but I’m sure that people are staring. I might be imagining it, but more than likely my little act of revenge was broadcast throughout the Region for all to see.

  I throw myself on my bed and hide my face in the pillow, I want to scream from the pit of my lungs, but I can’t risk startling Deacon and Lily. I hear the front door bell ring. What now? I’m fearful as I make my way downstairs, what if it’s Ada? Or worse yet, Cal?

  It’s neither.

  It’s Senior Commander Vegas.

  My father has officially been declared dead.

  CHAPTER 13

  The Commander explains they can find no trace of the stealth-craft and the search has been called off. It’s standard protocol to make an official pronouncement of death as there’s no possibility that any of the crew survived after this length of time. He offers his condolences and tells me to contact him directly, anytime; if I need his help. He advises that someone from his office will be in touch with my mother, in relation to the commemoration ceremony, and to sort out the necessary paperwork.

  I walk him to the door and then sink to the ground, unable to move. I want to cry, but I’m strangely un-emotive, all I can think of is how lonely I feel. I need to break the news to Lily, Deacon and my mom, but I don’t know how I’ll find the strength to do it. At least I have a little while to compose myself, Mom is sleeping soundly in her room and Lily isn’t due home yet. I’m thankful that I’d encouraged her to go to the cinema with her buddies after school and that she’d decided to bring Deacon with her.

  I hear a knock on the door, but I can’t summon the energy to rise and answer it. The person is not to be deterred though as they knock repeatedly, getting louder and more insistent. Then I hear his voice. “Ariana, please open up, I really need to speak to you. I’m not leaving until you open the door,” Cal says determinedly. I know that I should stay angry with him, but upon hearing his voice all I want is to feel his comforting arms around me. I rise unsteadily on my feet and open the door.

  He takes one look at me and asks what’s wrong. The look of genuine concern on his face is all it takes for me to lose the tenuous hold on my emotions. I burst out crying and throw myself at him. He holds me tight with one arm while using his other arm to close the door. He carries me into the living area and holds me steadily on his lap while I sob unashamedly into his shoulder. I try several times to compose myself, so that I can tell him the news, but I can’t manage to get any words out before another torrent of tears arrives. Eventually, I calm down, until the sobs are barely audible. I notice that I’ve completely soaked the top of his shirt and my nose is streaming. He grabs the box of tissues from the table and hands it to me.

  “My father is dead,” I choke out.

  “I was afraid of that, I’m so sorry.”

  “I can’t believe he’s gone, that I’m never going to see him again. I feel so alone and I don’t know how I’ll keep it all together anymore,” I say shakily, as I feel the tears forming again. />
  “Ariana, you’re not alone. I don’t want you to think that, for one single solitary second, you have me, and I’ll help you get through this,” he says resolutely.

  “Cal, they won’t let you be there for me, you know that. Even this, now, is dangerous,” I say sadly. “You should go,” I say it, but I don’t mean it.

  “I’m not going anywhere Ariana. They can do what they like to me, I don’t care. I’m not leaving you on your own to deal with this,” he says with conviction.

  “Thank you,” I say quietly.

  “Have you eaten?” he asks gently. I shake my head.

  “Why don’t you go and freshen up, and I’ll fix something to eat.”

  “OK. I need to check on Mom anyway,” I say, as I move to go upstairs.

  Mom is still fast asleep when I look in on her. I hope she stays this way so that I can at least defer telling her until the morning. I need to pull myself together before Lily and Deacon get home. I change into sweat pants, a T-shirt and brush my hair back off my face and head down to the kitchen.

  Cal has heated up some chicken pie and it smells delicious, but I can only manage to force down a few mouthfuls, my stomach is in too much turmoil. I gratefully accept the hot sweet tea and we move back into the living area.

  “Do the others know yet?” he asks.

  “No, Senior Commander Vegas had only just told me before you arrived. I think my mom will be comatose until morning, so I’ll just have to tell Lily and Deacon tonight.”

  “Where did they find the stealth-craft?” he asks me.

  “They didn’t, the crew are all officially missing in action. Senior Commander Vegas says there’s no possibility that any of them survived.” When I finish my tea, he pulls me down alongside him on the sofa, and gently strokes my hair as his other hand clasps mine. I close my eyes and let him comfort me.