by Kenna Bardot
I heaved a sigh before I let my arms fall to the side. I looked up, and I was back at the room just as it had been at that moment when I'd first stepped into it. But my cheeks were streaked with tears, and my eyes were puffy. "Do I regret it?"
Caprice's eyes were back to sad, brimming with tears as I'd seen them only once before. My voice caught in my throat as I struggled to answer. It was only then I noticed that their names - the crazy chant of it - no longer echoed in my head. They were only stuck in my heart.
"Wouldn't you rather see and hear into me, Caprice? You brag about how well and how easily you could do it," I addressed her, deliberately leaving off the Mother in her name. At that moment, God or not, she had none of my love nor any of my respect.
"I could." She stood from the stool, and she was just as small as Lysandra was, reaching only up to my shoulder. It felt like she was larger than life. "But I would rather not, as much as I brag that I could do it with barely a thought. I am giving you the opportunity to tell me.”
"Okay. I do not regret it. I make it a point not to regret the past no matter how ugly it was. I simply remember and use it in carving out the path I make as I move down the road of my future.”
She stood as she was, turned half away from me and with her eyes closed before she turned to me and nodded. "Yes, yes. You made an interesting Sylfe, Mireyah Sylfe. That concludes your time with me. Farewell and be well.”
The door opened behind me and I could not get out of there fast enough.
✽✽✽
For the rest of the day, I was antsy and edgy. Astraea and Lysandra both gave me a wide berth, but I was almost certain it could also be their own state of dread over the coming Judgment with Caprice.
So the moment Sylfeshire had closed to the public, I had escaped. My slipper clad feet slid across the floor, my butt perched on the edge of the smaller outdoor fountain by the pools. There was no one outside, as I knew there wouldn’t be. I enjoyed the moment of peace.
Of respite, after what my meeting with Caprice had left me feeling. After the emotional turmoil of feeling like I’d been turned inside out and analyzed. Of being pried opened and examined, poked and probed until privacy felt like an alien concept.
I trailed my fingers in the cool water of the fountain, enjoying the way the water reminded me of the fresh coolness that Oryn had created. A bite against the balmy temperatures of Sylfeshire that reminded me of home.
Cold and frigid shouldn't have felt like a comfort, not with the perfect temperatures I lived in daily. But it did. It reminded me of the family I could no longer picture in my head.
I heard shoes clicking against the cobbled pathway, and I didn't need to glance behind me to confirm who it might have been. There was a weight to Colm's swagger, and a feeling of impending doom settled over me as he approached. I felt him pause just behind me, like he was weighing what he would do. I did not acknowledge him. Eventually, he took a seat next to me, perching with a sigh and leaning forward to let his arms dangle between his slightly spread legs.
"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked, and I huffed a laugh.
"I think if nothing else, today has put me off talking for a very long time," I responded, turning my head up to stare at the moon. Surrounded by the stars, the cities were so far off and light pollution was an impossibility when there was nothing at the base of the mountain aside from Sylfeshire. The stars had been a constant comfort, a reminder that no matter how much separated us, the people in my village could look up at the sky and see the same stars I did. I wondered if Varo ever looked up and thought of me, if it made him feel connected or if he'd stopped missing me.
I wondered if my parents were coping well, if the money they sent home for my duty was being put into savings or if it was spent as quickly as they received it.
"For what it's worth," Colm said, nudging my knee with his own. "Caprice needs to talk to more than two dozen Sylfes in the next six days. She mentions that the session she had with you will be the most interesting of the entire week.”
I stared at him out of the side of my eye. “Yes, she used that word to describe me.”
He chuckled. “It means she was pleased with you, Mireyah.”
"It was hard to tell," I said. Even though I'd walked away with the distinct impression that the fact that she remembered me at all had been a sign in my favor, and she'd only solidified that despite the torture.
"I'm proud of you," Colm said. "The openness that Caprice requires, I wasn't sure you could give that yet. It takes many years before most will bare their souls in the way she requires. To fully examine actions and motivations and understand flaws. But it is those same flaws that can become our strengths and that self-awareness is critical in moving forward to become a God."
"I have nothing to hide." I shrugged. "I've never claimed to be perfect or anything other than just me. I feel like this place has watered me down, made me complacent, because at least here I'm treated well. I'm cared for in the sense that I need not work, and I'm provided for. It's made me less ornery."
Colm chuckled, touching his hand to my knee. I could feel his body heat through the thin material of my dress, the slightly sheer fabric that all Sylfes wore. "You are cared for, Mireyah. I know that this will just be a temporary stop for you. Very temporary if the way Caprice spoke about you was any sign, but that doesn't change the fact that there are people here who care about you. Lysandra, Astraea. Even me. Yes, I care about all my Sylfes but you're my ornery child, the one who's a complete pain in my ass but I want to see succeed, regardless."
I tilted my head to the side, letting it rest on his shoulder. "Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I never got close to anyone. That way you can't lose anyone when you have no choice but to leave them behind. I feel like I've spent so much time just trying to adjust, and every time I do, everything changes."
He nodded, his head tilting so he kissed the top of my hair. I stopped for a moment, taking the comfort he freely offered. "You've had a very accelerated path with a great deal of change in a short time. It's only natural that you would feel unsettled. I want you to promise me that in the coming months, you'll do whatever you need to do in your own time to center yourself. To remind yourself of who you are and where you've come from. Don't let everything that makes you you be swept away in the tide of what's coming."
"Well, that's not ominous or anything," I laughed and Colm chuckled as he gave my knee another friendly pat. As soon as I sat straight up, he stood and brushed his suit off as if he could wipe the emotional scene from himself physically.
"Try not to stay up too late. Even ornery children need their beauty sleep."
Chapter 10
Mireyah
A week later I could almost forget what Colm and I had talked about by that fountain. I went about my life as normal, but I knew something hung over my head.
Before Visitation, they had summoned me to the preparatory room just beside one of the exits into the Visitation area. In the room with me were two older Sylfes, a Descendant-born female who I was fairly certain had once been a Sutre and a human-born male Sylfe I had a class with named David. None of us spoke as we waited. The excitement that came from them was so palpable, it sent fear creeping up my spine.
Colm walked in with Edlynne, and they were smiling. Anytime they smiled, I felt my heart stutter in my chest. It meant that a change was coming for me.
"Good afternoon, my dears," Edlynne spoke the moment the door closed behind them. "I will not mince words. We are ready to accept informal requests for you to be open for Declarations. The moment a request is made you will be Declarable. However, something unprecedented has happened." She turned towards Colm, who nodded.
"Yes, Mireyah. There have been vocal desires to be your Sire, thus you are officially Declarable." He held out a hand and on it was a crescent-shaped gold cuff. He raised it up and waved by my right ear and with a minor searing pain, I felt it attach to my ear. "With that, you are marked as officially Declarable. The mo
ment a God Declares for you, any others have three weeks to Declare their intent then your Sire trials will begin."
"Olivia, David." Colm turned to the other Sylfes that were in the room with us. They looked at me with awe and envy, but they nodded to Colm. "Your turn will eventually come, trust me. Just know that Caprice has Declared you Ready. We need someone who wants to take you on that journey with them."
"Yes, congratulations to all of you," Edlynne said with a smile. "Does anyone have any questions?"
We all shook our heads, and Olivia and David murmured their thanks. I was speechless and I could see how Colm stared at me worriedly.
"Okay, if no one has questions, you may go."
I walked out of the room, pulling my hair to hide my ear. It took all my self-restraint not to break into a run.
I wasn't in the mood to be stared at.
When I reached my door, my doorknob seemed like butter in my hands, slipping through my fingers as I tried to grasp it and turn it to shove the door open. I made scraping sounds on it and she must have heard it because Astraea took pity on me and opened it from the inside. "Mireyah?" she asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and drawing me to sit beside her on the bed. "Oh, honey."
"I don't think I'm ready for this," I whispered, because I really knew very little about what happened next.
"You're to be Declared for?" Lysandra asked, needing that verbal confirmation. I nodded, giving it without words, and pulled my hair back to show them the gold that was now wrapped around my ear.
"What if they don't even bother to Declare for me? What do I do then?" I asked, and the two women shared a glance.
"The Gods in general? Or your males from Godsvail?" I felt Lysandra reach out to touch her hand, springing back immediately once she did. “It’s a little hot.”
"Both?" I asked with a laugh, because I didn't know what was worse. The prospect that they might not want me, the prospect that no one would want me, or the possibility that they might.
"If no one Declares for you, then I think you just wait until someone does. Doesn’t that cuff mean that someone already expressed informal interest? All you have to do is wait for whoever that is to realize that you’re Declarable and take the plunge. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing, and maybe if no one Declares for you, then that just means you can stay with us for longer," Astraea answered, squeezing me in reassurance. I stood, feeling slightly more stable under their presence.
"Thank you," I murmured, drawing in a steadying breath. I was determined to be closer to the Mireyah I'd left behind at Godsvail. The one who didn't care, and the one who survived even when life kept throwing her curve balls. I'd survived the Challenges. I'd survive this too, no matter how it manifested. It didn't seem likely that Lathyn wouldn't Declare for me, but perhaps I could convince him to give me some time before we crossed that line.
It seemed like the most promising of my options, considering that the five hadn't bothered to come back and see me since my initial Unveiling. It seemed ridiculous that the men who told me to wait for them and just expected me to fall in line hadn't come to court me, but the God who'd set it all in motion had. The creep who had made my skin crawl the previous year was already shifting to become a friendly face. He may not have acted selflessly, but he wasn't a total creep either.
I took comfort in that.
The fact that if I ended up as Lathyn's wife, at least I could respect him even if I'd never love him.
It would have to do if it came to that, if it came to me being someone's wife aside from the five men I loved. At least he was someone who could help the human cause. Someone with the power to enact change.
"You'll be alright," Lysandra soothed, nodding at me. Her face was hard in support, but I knew she saw the way I hardened myself. I knew she recognized it for what it was.
"You're right. I will. I always am. This too shall pass."
✽✽✽
Only a week after I'd been opened for Declarations, I found it took far too much energy to entertain the men who sought my company. The golden cuff on my ear seemed to attract attention in droves, the physical symbol of my acceptance of Declarations. Some were polite, genuine in their attempts to get to know me. I supposed being so new and open to marriage early on made it seem important to act first if the interest was there.
Nobody liked a missed opportunity. Least of all the Gods, evidently.
Most seemed to get the hint I was only marginally interested in small talk, and that I truly lacked all skill to show interest in their lives on Demiorgo. These same Gods backed off and looked for someone else to lavish their attention on.
But I didn’t care. In my mind, there were already five Gods I wanted for myself, and if I couldn't have them, I would take the one who enabled me to do the most good for my family back home. I was determined to be strong and brave rather than be selfish. I just wish that they would give me some time before I had to be brave.
I tried to tuck my pink, silken hair behind my ear again, wincing when it bumped the cuff that was secured by some power of the Gods and impossible to remove. Lysandra touching it caused her to feel heat and for me it was impossible to even get it to shift, and I found that it made the skin beneath the intricate metal work itch.
The one benefit to Ascending would be the removal of the fucking thing. I scratched at the thing, annoyed that it seemed to have melded into me so perfectly that nothing I could ever do would get it off. I shot Colm an annoyed look because I just knew he found the whole thing amusing.
The smug bastard.
My eyes went to the fountain next to him, where he or any of the other Sylfeshire professors hovered in case a God Declared for any of the available Sylfes, which needed a Sylfeshire witness to be formally binding. It seemed boring for them given I’d yet to see a Declaration since my Unveiling.
"I'm sorry. Would you excuse me?" I asked, cutting off the God who seemed determined to tell me all about his five-year-old son who would attend Godsvail in only a few short years. I had nothing against children, and I was certainly not opposed to becoming a step-mother, especially given how the Gods sent their children away at such a young age, but I had no interest in getting to know anyone. However, dragging kids into the mess I inevitably generated would not be a kindness.
I walked towards Colm, desperate to ask if I could seek sanctuary in the back for a few hours. Since I’d had the bloody golden sign on my ear, they were stricter on me than they’d been any other time previous. Perhaps the fact that I was so close to becoming a God meant that they determined things would go forward in my journey.
As I went for him, my eyes darted up to connect with blue that stared back at me. A kind, blinding smile took over Lathyn's face as he looked at me. With a sigh, knowing I would have no chance of escape with his sudden presence, I smiled back tentatively. Perhaps, if nothing else, he could save me from boredom. His head jolted in surprise, and warmth filled his cool eyes momentarily before his attention shifted to the ear cuff that glinted in the bright midday sun. I watched his eyes widen in surprise before deepening into a dark pleasure. So he didn’t know I was Declarable. I found that interesting.
His body sagged as he bit his lip, and then he turned his steps to the fountain where Colm stood. My breath stuttered in my chest, halting as I watched him take his place in front of it. He turned his attention to Colm briefly before turning back to stare at me across the room.
No, he couldn't be?
Wouldn’t be?
At least not without talking to me again.
He cleared his throat before announcing over the din that Gods and Sylfes created, "I formally declare for Mireyah the Sylfe with the intent to make her my bride. Before the Gods, Colm of Sylfeshire, and Mireyah the Sylfe herself, I make this statement in good faith with the best intent to follow through."
Colm nodded to him with a grin, and my heart jump started when Colm responded. "The first Declaration for Mireyah is witnessed and accepted, and comes from Lathyn of House Majele, W
estern Region. Formal title is as Head Liaison to the Gods. Would any present like to give us a second Declaration?" My eyes darted around the room, watching in horror as I waited for any others to step up to the fountain.
No one moved, and a few shook their heads as if they'd have to be absurd to compete against Lathyn.
With a victorious smile, Lathyn stepped through the crowd that parted to reach me. His hand touched the cuff on my ear, stroking over the gold like one might a lover's skin.
"What have you done?” I asked him softly, horror in my eyes as I stared up at him.
He leaned down until his face was directly in mine, touching his full lips to my forehead briefly before pulling back to look me in the eye as he spoke. "Claimed what's mine." His eyes danced with glee, a total sense of victory written all over his relaxed frame. "I'll see you soon, my bride."
And then he turned and left, and as much as I appreciated the time to gather my wits off the floor, I hated that he'd strolled in, claimed me, and left. Notwithstanding that I’d been contemplating how life would be to be his bride, but I wished he’d afforded me the respect of asking what I wanted. Instead, he’d staked his claim and without so much as attempting to actually know me.
It left me feeling like whatever was coming next, I wouldn't enjoy the process.
Fucking Hell.
✽✽✽
It was amazing how a Declaration from a well-respected God was enough for me to go back to being heavily guarded to being back as I’d been when I’d been initially Unveiled.
That I’d gotten a formal Declaration barely a week after I got my golden ear cuff meant I was doing well. It was a fact that brought me daily pain and exasperation.
After Lathyn Declared for me, I knew that the deadline was ticking down so I had stayed by the fountain day in and day out for as long as I could because I was waiting for my guys. But they never came. Never kept the promise that they made that they would come back for me.