by Kenna Bardot
Everything filled my brain, and I sobbed when I realized that they mattered. Every single one of them mattered and I would do everything I could to improve their lives. Enhance it so their lives were spent fruitfully.
The temperature at the tips of my fingers grew until I felt that they would surely burn, but I held on just a moment longer because I didn't want to let go of it. Eventually, even my stubbornness could not keep me holding on, and I let the toy drop into the box.
I sobbed when I realized that everything trickled away like water through a sieve. But I clung to the emotions, and I would never, ever let those go.
"Darling Varo, I promise I will never forget you again, and I promise that I will do everything to give you a better life. I have to be a God to do that and if what I have to do is to be with Lathyn, then I will accept it. But I want my five. And if I end up with them, it will take me longer to achieve my goals and I’m sorry for it. But I will die if I don’t have them with me. So please trust me and trust that I love you."
I slammed the lid shut, but rather than push it back under the bed and out of sight, I laid it on the dresser. Rather than a reminder that I had left my frail humanity behind, I was happy enough to let it be a reminder of what I had to look forward to,
My future collided with my past. The past I was determined to give a better future.
Because I wanted to be a different kind of God.
Chapter 34
Charolais
I walked a step ahead of the others. I had to prove myself after the Final Trial when my injury and inability to walk had gotten us into trouble. It had cost us our victory, and it had possibly cost us our Mireyah.
A master of pain taken down by his closest friend.
After the Trial, it had taken me time to heal - it was a little-known fact about Vides that just annoyed me. Where Karfis could heal almost instantly, Vides took pain and reveled in it, thus our bodies were not made for healing.
But if we lost her to the Majele, the pain that would cause would be unrivaled, and I would gladly break all my other bones if it meant I could have her.
"Char." Tate walked up next to me, and he turned his face towards me, studying and looking. Even though it hurt me, I pushed it back. "Pushing me out doesn't fix the problem."
"The problem is already there, and I've left us to fix the problem. I was too injured in the Fourth Trial to chase after Mireyah, and we had to allow Lathyn to save her, to win the time with her." But he was still there, still trying to read me. And I did everything I could to push him out. Because he saw too much.
"Char." He walked ahead of me and stopped, getting in my way. I reached up to push him away, but he stood his ground and took my hand in his and held it tight. "Char, you were injured because you pushed me out of the way, saved my life. If anyone is to blame, it should be me."
I met his eyes for the first time, and I was so shocked, I stopped muting his abilities and let him in, feeling the way he tried to read and understand me. The way he tried to show me his love.
"I couldn't let you die," I whispered, allowing enough emotion to eke through even though I knew he could feel it. I did it for the others who stared at us, the weight and gravity as they let the two of us talk about what had happened. Heal through it, bond through it. It did not take a Nastroj to see how the Trial had caused a wedge in our relationship and not because we had lost. No.
Because I had taken too much and not allowed any of them in.
"We don't blame you, Char. Any of us would have jumped in front of another to save their lives." Ryle stepped forward and stood beside Tate. "It's not over until it is. We can still win her. We'll do everything we can to win her."
I said the one thing I thought I would never say, "I'm sorry."
Shep and Hollis stepped forward to flank me, and I knew they accepted it. Without a word, I knew that they loved me. I nodded. "Let's go."
We took the Springen Express and reached the outside of Sylfeshire without further incident. An Unwanted Sylfe stood at the base of the main gate steps and he waited for us when he stepped forward the moment we came into view.
He bowed to us before addressing us, "Sirs, I've been instructed to show you the way. Please follow me."
We exchanged glances and followed him without a word. He led us into a room where Colm Svadeni sat surrounded by our four Core Gods.
"Ah, yes, the five," Caprice said the moment the door closed behind us. "How interesting."
"Interesting, Caprice?" Zeevar spoke up before throwing us a bored glance. "It's disgraceful." He turned to us. "Are you aware that the relationship you tout goes against everything that Rhiannon and I hoped for when we first established this world?"
"Zeevar…." Rhiannon protested.
But she was drowned out by Zeevar plowing on, "Going against the established is disrespecting the very foundations that have brought you here before us."
"We don't do what we do and feel what we feel to bring disrespect." I tilted my head and regarded Zeevar - that all-knowing look, those angry eyes. "And was it not your going against the established that brought us this world we live in? Godsfell would not exist if you and Mother Rhiannon stood by and watched the destruction of the world you watched over."
"We did that because we cared about humans and the other living creatures that we saw were being swallowed and destroyed by greed and anger. What we wanted was to establish a world that brought peace and joy to the ones we loved so much away from wanton destruction," Rhiannon spoke and I could see that the hand she laid on Zeevar's hand was the only thing that kept him from saying anything more. "I grant you we went against the status quo, my child, but there was a purpose. Can you tell us what your purpose is?"
"We want to belong, Mother Rhiannon," Tate spoke up beside me and he walked over, laying a hand on my shoulder when he did. "It starts with me and my twin. Born of the same womb at the same time, but torn apart from the moment we entered this world. Godsvail allowed us the opportunity to spend time again and as fate would have it, we fell in love with the same people. And that's why we became the group we are now." He shot me a warm look, and I gave him a small nod, urging him to go on as I allowed his emotions to swamp me.
"And did you stop to think for a second about the wisdom in a relationship like the one you were entered into?" Anselm leaned forward as he asked his question, and I saw the way his gaze landed on Tate's hand, which was still on my shoulder. I reached up to touch it in defiance. If we would be judged and criticized for something we felt, then might as well show it off. We hurt no one, I found comfort in that just as I felt comfort when Tate’s hand twisted and his fingers intertwined with mine.
Shep walked over and laid a hand on mine where it touched Tate's, cementing that connection. "It started off exciting because it was taboo and we found enjoyment in it. For me, it helped me with my temper, and I know for each of us, it gave us the opportunity to shed our weakness and finally find happiness."
"And then you bring Mireyah into it," Caprice interjected, eyes wide and not a little insane. The Caprice that everyone knew and everyone feared. Even I felt the fear skitter down my spine when I met her eyes.
"Yes, Mireyah was the glue that we needed but didn't know that we did. Without her, we would still be lost and without purpose. Full of love, but undoubtedly lost." My voice was soft, but I didn't doubt she heard it. Caprice heard even what wasn't said out loud.
"And yet you didn't fare well in the Trials. In fact, your losses have been spectacular," Caprice rebutted with a wild smile. "We fully expected you would win because of the depth of the emotions you profess to feel for our darling Sylfe. Yet you stand here before us having lost."
Out of the corner of my eye, Colm winced. I knew that he advocated for Mireyah to choose Lathyn Majele over us, but he felt the harshness of Caprice's words had weight just the same as us.
"The second challenge highlighted our weaknesses. We focused too much on one another, forgetting that we had weaknesses and allowing thos
e to dictate the outcome of our Trial rather than the bigger goal in mind. We've since learned from that lesson."
"And was it your weakness that led to your downfall in the Third Trial?"
Hollis stepped forward, and he replied with confidence. His back straightened, and I knew he was angry. "We entered into the interview with your wives at a distinct disadvantage because of the status of our relationship. I think it is safe to assume that we would have lost that Trial no matter how pretty our words. Just because we as a group do not meet the standards for a perfect father or Sire. Standards that were set through the bias of someone else's idea of perfection."
"So you believe our judgment was wrong?"
Hollis shook his head and laughed. "No, Mother Caprice. I believe your judgment was skewed against us before we said a word."
"Do you now? And what of the last Trial? Ryle Karfi has said that you learned your lesson in the Second Trial. However, I saw differently."
I gave Tate's hand a squeeze before I let go and stepped forward. "One of the Gods we competed with wanted to end our lives. Not just to win Mireyah, but because he could. I jumped forward to save Tate's life, and I would do so again. We may have lost the Trial to Lathyn Majele, but we asked him to go to Mireyah because we would rather he be victorious than Ashric Tovenaar. We would do anything to keep Mireyah safe. We would die for her and seeing Lathyn take her and win her on that Trial killed us. If she is Sired by someone other than us, it would be a death. Do you wish us to die, Mother Caprice?"
"My child, please, there is no need to go to that extreme. We understand your feelings on the matter and we will keep it in mind. No matter what we decide, we hope you feel satisfied that we do what is best for Mireyah. If you truly love her, you will accept that." Mother Rhiannon held out a hand and over Colm, she reached over and touched Caprice's hand. "Caprice?"
"Yes, Mother. You will learn of our decision next week. Farewell and be well." Caprice stood, followed closely by Rhiannon, Zeevar and Anselm. As a unit they bowed and smoke swirled around them until in a blink of the light they disappeared, leaving Colm alone, sitting in the middle of the long table.
"Well, gentlemen, I wish you luck." Colm shot us a sad smile.
And I knew it would take a miracle for us to Sire Mireyah.
But then again, I’d yet to witness a miracle as beautiful as Mireyah loving us back. If we were lucky, we’d be blessed with yet another one.
✽✽✽
Mireyah
"Welcome, Mireyah." Colm sat in the middle of the panel surrounded by the four Core Gods. His eyes were somber and unsmiling, and I could see he was all business. I focused on him because scary as he might be at that moment, facing the entire array of all the Core Gods was much scarier. And all too real.
Zeevar and Rhiannon sat at the ends of the table, Caprice to Colm's right and Anselm to his left. The room was bright and spare. Somehow it didn't feel like we were in Sylfeshire. It had the additional effect of making me even more uncomfortable. Which was probably what they wanted me to feel, and I had to admire it even as it only made the line of sweat drip down my back and my throat feel like a thousand buckets of sand had been poured into it.
I cleared my throat but said nothing as five pairs of eyes landed on me. Caprice spoke up first, "How are you feeling, Mireyah?"
I turned to her and smiled because if nothing, the time I'd spent dealing with Caprice had shown me that while she had the tendency to be difficult, she could also be predictable. I smiled back at her. "You ask me the same question every time that we meet."
Anselm let out a bark of laughter as he thumped a fist on the table. "She's got you there, Caprice. You ask the most inane questions. We need not know how you are. Tell us, are you ready for your life to change?"
"It's what my life has been these past six years. A never-ending cycle of change and upheaval. At this point it feels like the next step, does it not?" I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant even as my heart thumped in my chest loudly.
Zeevar spoke, and he had a smirk on his face. "There’s that feistiness. I’d wondered if it was still there. And I'm assuming you blame us for every single upheaval and challenge that you've had to go through?"
"Would I be wrong if I did?" I asked, meeting his eyes dead on. I knew that I had to establish myself with these Gods. Because they already held a power over me by the very reason I stood before them in that room, so it seemed stupid to give them even more.
His face cracked into a smirk as he clapped twice. "Sylfeshire hasn't completely changed you. No, in fact it's made more of you if such a thing were possible. You understand why you're here? What you say here will influence our decision, but not determine it. In the end, the decision is ours. And ours alone."
"Zeevar!" Rhiannon's voice cracked through the space, angrier and louder than I'd ever heard it before. My head snapped towards her in surprise. "We conduct ourselves with decorum. Don't scare the Sylfe. She hates us enough, don't you, Mireyah?"
I shrugged, amused at how easily the normally calm God had scolded the God of Death. "I don't know that hate has an end, Mother Rhiannon. But as for hating you, no, I don't hate you in particular, Mother."
"Which is just another way of saying, she hates all the rest of us. You always have people, Gods and Sylfes fawning over you, don't you, Rhiannon?" Zeevar spat out with a sneer.
"You included, my dear," Rhiannon answered calmly. She turned her head towards Caprice. "But it is your show, Caprice. I suggest you start."
"Thank you, Mother." Caprice nodded before turning towards me. "Nothing very complicated today, Mireyah. Colm," she said with a gesture towards the God who sat in the middle, "has expressed his belief that Lathyn Majele will be the best match for you. As the head of Sylfeshire, we take his opinion into consideration heavily because he has seen success in many matches that have come from this process. We have talked to the men but our opinions are ours for now and will be ours until we judge tomorrow. It is your turn to defend your choice. Tell us who you prefer."
"None is a viable option, if that is what you wish," Anselm put in helpfully even as Rhiannon lay a hand on his and squeezed. He shook his head. "She needs to know that if she insists on not Ascending, then it is a decision we might respect rather than stick her to a fate she doesn't want."
"I will admit that I've thought of that option." I nodded towards Anselm in gratitude. "Because nothing frightens me more than looking to a future where I would have to spend all my time with someone I do not love, no matter how much he claims to care for me." I sighed. "However, I love the five. My five."
"Five makes you appear greedy, my dear," Zeevar spoke up with a derisive sneer.
"It is unorthodox, having a group of five Siring an individual Sylfe. Perhaps just one?" Rhiannon asked with a helpful smile.
"No!" I shook my head vehemently. "No, it would be painful to have just one. They're too much a unit and too much a part of me that having to choose just one would be worse than not having them at all. I want them all because I love them all equally and could never choose."
"Of course." Caprice gave me a nod, staring at me for a long moment before smiling that smile of hers that crinkled the side of her eyes. "Do you have anything more to say?"
"No. Nothing I say can influence what you do. But I will, for a while, trust that you know best for me even if I find your judgments unfair and cruel.”
“Of course you do, Mireyah. Nothing would do better than you painting us as the villains,” Zeevar spoke, holding up a hand so Mother Rhiannon could not interrupt him.
“If you choose to put words in my mouth, Sir, then I cannot dissuade you.” I curtsied and held it until Caprice laughed. “Stand. If you have nothing more to say that will be all. Farewell and be well, Mireyah." The door opened and I strode out of it without a backward glance.
Chapter 35
Mireyah
Two days later, sitting there felt too much like deja vu, reminding me clearly about how it had felt when I'd been in Vie
wing. Seen but not heard. Watched and not felt.
Seeing but not hearing or feeling.
I was in a room all alone, on edge, waiting and separated by just a clear, thick wall. I could see Lathyn and the sadness in his eyes as he stared at the ground. If anything, I would have thought him to be confident. He had more of a chance than all the rest of them to win.
But I hadn’t looked at him when I’d first entered the room. No, I'd looked at my Five first. The sadness that had poured off him made my heart clench in my chest, the realization of just how much he had come to care for me in his own way making me hurt physically.
Charolais had given me a blank look, but in his eyes I saw the love and the worry. Like Colm Svadeni and the Core Gods had told me during our interview, they'd already finished talking to the men before they'd talked to me. I was certain that Charolais knew that they'd already been making their decision.
Hollis had a smile on his face, and he threw me a kiss when I'd turned towards him. He mouthed an 'I love you' at me and II blew him a kiss even though the situation was grave. I needed the levity, and because there was a chance that I would never see them again, I mouthed that I loved him right back.
Ryle's jaw was set, and he barely held in his desire to punch someone straight in the face. I hoped it would be Ashric. If there was anyone who deserved it, it would be that piece of shit. I winked at him and asked him to relax, even though I was sure he would only ignore me. I turned to his twin, the cool silver eyes framed by silver hair and eyes that shone with such understanding. He reached up to give his twin's shoulder a hand and gave me a thumbs up.
Finally, I turned towards Shephard, my storm, and he perfectly embodied just how we all felt about the situation. His eyes threatened a crazy and insane reaction if the results gave me to anyone else but to them.