Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Carter She’s pissed. I mean, nobody likes getting screwed around.

  Tom I didn’t … (Beat.) You think this is how I wanted it to end up? Huh?

  Carter No … but it’s the way these things usually do.

  Tom I guess.

  Carter I know. The guy who first thought up the whole ‘I hope we can still be friends’ thing must be giggling his dick off somewhere …

  Tom Probably. (Beat.) You think maybe I should go down there and talk to her? Just …

  Carter Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea. Meet her on her turf … with all those accounting chicks around. Perfect.

  Tom I don’t want her all mad, though. Maybe just an email …

  Carter Yeah, with one of those smilely-faced icons or something. Come on, be serious!

  Tom What?

  Carter It’s over. You are so done …

  Tom I know. I’m not saying to try and salvage anything, but just so that we can … shit, I dunno! We have to work together, so …

  Carter It’s the way of the world. Break-ups are ugly. I mean, unless you get to watch ’em from over here. (Laughs.) She so nailed you!

  Tom Come on, Carter, don’t.

  Carter I’m sorry, but it was awesome. I mean, I’ve seen you get tagged by some bad boys playing ball, never even budge – and this little girl walks in and takes you out like Sonny Liston … BAM! Pretty cool.

  Tom Yeah, hilarious. (Beat.) Maybe I’ll just send her a quick one …

  Carter waves him off and picks up another magazine. Tom quickly types something on his computer and hits a button to send it off.

  It can’t hurt.

  Carter Not as much as your face, anyway.

  They sit and stare at one another for a moment. Silence.

  You got a photo? Of her.

  Tom You are not getting a picture. Not even a peek …

  Carter I will not take it. I promise.

  Tom Uh-huh. Sure.

  Carter I won’t! I just wanna see her one more time.

  Tom Man, you are so … I don’t even get why I like you.

  Carter Because you’re like me.

  Tom No, I’m not.

  Carter You so are! Absolutely.

  Tom That’s not true. (Grins.) No.

  Carter Right. (Beat.) You do that little boy thing, ‘Oh, I’m so innocent’ trick that women eat up but you are so much like me it’s not even funny. Seriously …

  Tom Carter, that’s not at all …

  Carter Bullshit! You laugh at the same jokes and check out the same asses that I do, you date all these gals and act like you’re Mr Sensitive but how does it always end up? The exact same way is does for me … you get bored or cornered or feel a touch nervous and you drop ’em like they were old produce. Every time. Dude, I’m not blind …

  Tom Yeah, but that’s because, I mean, with Jeannie it’s been … you know.

  Carter I’m not talking about just her. I mean with anybody. Since I’ve known you. There’s no shame in it … It’s not very nice, but I don’t think we were put down here to be nice. Not exclusively, anyway. Every so often we sprinkle a little ‘nice’ in on top, just to keep ’em guessing, but … that’s about it.

  Tom You scare me a little … I mean it.

  Carter Ahh, it’s just Tuesday. Tuesdays suck …

  They sit back down and contemplate this for a bit. Carter yawns and turns back to his friend.

  Seriously … can I see her?

  Tom No.

  Carter Tom, that’s not very … I said some stuff and I’m sorry. I didn’t know you two were dating.

  Tom Its … I just took her out a few … She’s nice. OK?

  Carter It’s fine. (Beat.) So, lemme see.

  Tom Jesus …

  Pulls a snapshot out of his wallet.

  I’m holding it.

  Carter That’s mature.

  Goes over to look at it.

  Oh, cool. It’s one of those ‘makeover deals’ isn’t it?

  Tom I guess. Yes.

  Carter Very nice. I like the boa.

  Tom Don’t be a prick.

  Carter Kidding! She’s sweet. I mean, from meeting her and everything, I could tell.

  Tom Thanks.

  Carter Does she … I mean, does her weight go up and down or …? I only ask because she’s got a nice face, so I’m curious.

  Tom She’s not worried about that kind of thing – buy into all of those diet fads … which is sort of refreshing, actually.

  Carter Sure. I’m just saying … can’t turn on CNN without some doctor talking about …

  Tom Because, you know … Yeah, I think she’s pretty as well, but we don’t ever talk about that ‘what if?’ kinds of shit about her size. She’s happy with who she is, and so … it’s …

  Carter Then great. (Looks again.) Can you please let me … I’m not six years old. I promise not to take it.

  Tom ’Kay.

  Tom very warily lets go of the photo. In stages. Finally it is in Carter’s hands. He studies it.

  Carter No, I can tell that she’s a very genuine person, even from some photo. I like the starburst effect. (He smiles.) That’s a joke.

  Tom Here, just give it back.

  Carter Wait … I’m serious, though. Could probably get on one of those reality shows if she lost, like, eighty pounds, she’d be kinda stunning.

  Tom I know, but I just said … here.

  Carter I mean, I’m only talking. I’m not an expert. Perhaps we should see what everybody in the cafeteria thinks …

  Tom Carter! CARTER, YOU FUCKER!

  But Tom is trapped behind his desk and Carter is off like a rocket – out the door and down the hall. Tom starts to follow but gives up after a second. Returns to his desk.

  Bastard. Ahh, screw it. I don’t care. I’m not gonna be … whatever.

  A little bell goes off. Ding! Tom looks at his computer and sees an email has arrived. He clicks it and reads.

  ‘DEAR TOM, FUK U AND UR FAT BITCH. ASSHOLE. LOL.’ (Beat.) That’s charming …

  He starts to type a response but it slowly dissolves as he begins to pound harder and harder on the keys. Finally he stops, exhausted. Pushes it away. Sits.

  SOME OLD TERRITORY FOR THE NEW COUPLE

  A bedroom. Tom and Helen are lying on top of the covers, watching a movie. Helen is concentrating, Tom is kissing her.

  Tom Mmmm. God, you’re so …

  He continues to kiss her as Helen watches the TV.

  Helen Tom … hold on … look …

  Tom I am. At you …

  Helen Remember this part? (Pointing.) I think he’s just about to … they’re gonna find the gold …

  Sound of gunfire, shouts. Helen laughs. Tom looks at her.

  Tom Pretty funny. He got shot.

  Helen Yeah, but it’s meant to be … you know. It’s a comedy. Mostly.

  Tom Uh-huh. (Kisses her.) Mmmm …

  Helen Wait …

  Tom I don’t wanna wait … I wanna … well, lots of things. Kiss you. And … more kisses, and …

  Helen But … this is due back tomorrow.

  Tom Oh, OK … (Laughs.) Here …

  Helen Umm, don’t start with the good stuff …

  Tom You love the good stuff …

  Helen Yes, but we can’t always … Ohh, yes, you can keep doing that, actually …

  Tom See?

  Helen But we should … Tom …

  Tom Can’t help it … I love your mouth. Each lip. Both.

  Helen Thank you. (Kissing him.) Thanks.

  Tom I really do like the way you kiss. So much.

  Helen Me too. We fit, you know? Our mouths together. It’s important.

  Tom I, yeah … agree …

  Helen and Tom begin to make out – the movie is forgotten. He reaches around, finds the remote and the sound drops out. After a moment, she gently pulls back, studies him.

  Helen … So, you feel comfortable with me? I mean …

  Tom I’m … yes. I am. I have honestly neve
r been more relaxed around a person. (Beat.) Well, my mother, but that gets into a weird area …

  Helen Ha-ha-ha. (Beat.)

  Tom Seriously, I haven’t felt this way for a long time. Ever, probably.

  Helen I’m glad.

  Tom No, I mean it. (Kisses her.) I adore you.

  Helen Me, too. (She kisses him.) And I wasn’t trying to get that out of you …

  Helen punches him playfully on the shoulder, which leads to horseplay. After a moment, Tom lays back. Relaxed.

  Tom God, this feels so damn good! You know? I mean … just laying around here, us together. All alone.

  Helen I know.

  Tom It’s like … I feel like we’re on a raft or something. Paddling along, all the time in the world … no one around to bug us. (Mimes paddling.) Ahhh, this is the life!

  Helen Like the beginning of Heaven Knows, Mr Allison. Remember?

  Tom Exactly! Yep … (Smiles.) And you could play the Deborah Kerr part. You’d make a very saucy nun …

  Helen kisses him and Tom slips back into a comfortable position.

  Helen … Sounds good. (Beat.) Sorta.

  Tom What?

  Helen I dunno, I just … I sense something. A kind of being … isolated. At times.

  Tom Helen … haven’t I been with you every day? I mean, my friends have even said things. Noticed it. I’m hardly with them any more.

  Helen But … that’s what I mean.

  Tom What?

  Helen Neither am I. You know? I mean, we’ve been going out for … however long, and I only met that one guy. Carter. At the restaurant.

  Tom That’s true, but … I mean, I’ve been waiting for the, maybe, a right time or something. One of those office parties or …

  Helen Tom.

  Tom No, truthfully! I thought maybe on the Fourth or … we do a big party at the beach. A cookout and stuff.

  Helen Great … should I go with a thong or be a little more conventional?

  Tom Very funny. I was being serious …

  A sort of silence drops over them. Both of them staring off. Quiet.

  Helen … It’s just a little like we’re, I dunno, hiding or whatever. From people.

  Tom … No …

  Helen You don’t think?

  Tom No, Helen, I really don’t. At all. (Beat.) I mean, we’re not exactly hanging out with all your pals, either. We’ve barely …

  Helen That’s not true – I ask you all the time if you’d want to, or if we –

  Tom Yeah, but …

  Helen I’m dying to show you off, Tom, if you’d let me … I’ve told you to pick me up at work, all kinds of things!

  Tom I know, but … it’s a library. Not supposed to talk in there … I’ll be in trouble.

  Helen Tom … please. (She waits.) Listen, I had a thing come up for me at the … this opportunity. Remember the interview that I … Yeah. That. It’s only a couple towns over, but far enough away that … whatever. The point is, it’s a great offer and the more I think about this – every time we end up ordering in or you run out to get videos – some little thing in my head, this warning buzzer says, ‘Watch it. Just watch out.’

  Tom Helen …

  Helen I just hope you’re not embarrassed by me in some way, because, well, I mean … I don’t know what …

  Tom No. Why would you say that? I’m not at all … What’re you …?

  Helen Nothing. I’m not saying anything, except I need you to be honest with me here. Today, if possible.

  Tom … Well, what am I supposed to say now? To that?

  Helen Just the truth.

  Tom I’m … I meant something easier.

  Helen smiles at this as Tom scoots closer to her on the bed, holds her. A kiss.

  Helen … you can’t leave town, I need you around. You’re like the sunrise to me. Like Vitamin C or something. My oxygen. (Beat.) I need you …

  Helen I’m not looking for fairy tale or out-of-the-ballpark or anything … just a person who cares about me like I do them. Simple.

  Tom … Love isn’t simple. It’s … never having to say you’re sorry.

  He starts to say more, but Helen stops him. Smiles.

  Helen … I don’t need you to be clever here! No jokes. Or film quotes … Just be very clear … and honest.

  Tom kisses Helen, then sits her down on the bed. Joins her. Tries to get serious.

  Fine. Look … I wanna be truthful now, so just let me … you know, bumble along. Alright?

  Helen Please. Bumble on.

  She smiles and Tom slowly returns it to her. He touches her face. Strokes her hair.

  Tom Helen … I want you. Both mentally and physically. Each curve, every last inch of you … (He kisses her.) I’d hope you can see that by now …

  She starts to speak but he holds up a finger to silence her.

  So … I don’t know how to do this. To say exactly how I’m feeling because, you know, I’m a guy and we’re taught how to kick stuff, and tear the wings off shit – but, look … I can see that we’ve got something here, I’m not stupid, right? – do not answer that – and I need you to know. That I know. I’m really just so damn … overcome by this. Here. Us. I don’t take it lightly or in some carefree manner at all. No. Helen, you are just, well, very important to me … very … (Beat.) Look, I’ve fallen for you, fallen hard, and … yeah, I love you and I hope …

  Helen Sorry, what?

  Tom I love you.

  Helen What? I didn’t …

  Tom I love you.

  Helen Wow.

  Tom So I hope that you give me a chance to prove it in the near future, at the, aforementioned volleyball-slash-beach party or at some other to-be-determined public gathering. And if you take that other job, even a few towns over, it would be a real, you know. Bad thing. (Grins.) OK, that sort’ve sucked, but most the ingredients were in there …

  Helen Yeah … and it was kind of lovely.

  Tom Then, good. Thanks.

  Helen No, thank you … Tom Sullivan.

  Tom You’re welcome … Helen … what’s your last name again?

  Helen smacks him playfully on the shoulder again. Twice.

  I know it has, like, a ‘B’ in it.

  Helen ‘Bond.’ (Laughs.) You ass …

  Tom Right, ‘Bond’, sorry. ‘Bond’.

  Tom Mmm! (Kisses her.) You’re awesome.

  Helen You, too, Tom. You’re a good man. (Kisses him back.) Good and strong and brave and … ummm … lots of nice things …

  Tom … Mmmm! I love it when you talk dirty.

  He begins to kiss her. More and more. Helen responds and, after a moment, lets him unfasten her bra. Tom starts to caress and kiss her there. Helen’s eyes slowly close.

  Her hand searches around, finds the remote again. Click! Up come the sounds of war and mayhem on the soundtrack. Loud.

  TWISTS AND TURNS AT THE OFFICE

  Tom at his desk again. Working. Jeannie standing nearby with a file in her hand. Waiting.

  Jeannie So are you bringing her to the thing next month?

  Tom Huh? (Looks up.) Oh, yeah. I think.

  Jeannie Can’t decide?

  Tom Ummm, you know … she’s gotta check if she can get off from work.

  Jeannie Oh. I see. And what’s she do?

  Tom She’s … she’s a printed word specialist.

  Jeannie Ahh. (To herself.) Perfect.

  Tom What’s that?

  Jeannie Nothing. (Points.) Are you almost done there? I need to get those out by five …

  Tom Yeah, hold on.

  He goes back to work while Jeannie glances around. Takes in the space.

  Jeannie No pictures of her up yet.

  Tom Nah.

  Jeannie How come?

  Tom, frustrated, drops his pen and looks straight at her.

  Tom … Wasn’t the one that appeared on everybody’s desktop this morning enough? (Turns his monitor round.) You need more laughs than this?

  Jeannie I wouldn’t mind.

&nb
sp; Tom Great.

  Jeannie Yeah, I’d be up for that.

  Tom Jesus … you really are awful, you know that? I mean it.

  Jeannie Just keep signing, OK? Your little sermon isn’t needed.

  Tom I’m not … whatever.

  Jeannie That’s exactly right. Whatever.

  Tom … Jeannie … can’t we just be …?

  Jeannie Don’t bother. Sign.

  Tom is about to follow instructions but pulls the files from his desk and slips them in a drawer. Shuts it. Sits back as he checks his watch.

  Tom No, uh-uh, you’ve got time. And I want you to tell me … go on. What the hell I did to you that was so bad. Do it.

  Jeannie Tom, don’t be a prick, alright? I need to make Fed-Ex.

  Tom You will …

  Jeannie No! I’m not obligated to talk with you about shit … We’re co-workers, we work together now and that is all. Give me the files.

  Tom Nope.

  Jeannie You’re an asshole …

  Tom Maybe so. I dunno … maybe I am. Or have been to you. That’s what I’m saying! If I have, then tell me. Show me how …

  It’s a stand-off for a moment, then Jeannie makes a move toward Tom. He stands up and holds his ground. She backs off and stands to one side, hands on her hips.

  Jeannie I don’t even wanna discuss your fat bitch, OK? She’s …

  Tom Stop that.

  Jeannie So, forget it. I’ll just say about us, I mean, what we’ve …

  Tom No, let’s do the whole …

  Jeannie Fuck you! Don’t tell me what we’ll do. At all.

  Tom I’m not. I’m just saying we should probably, you know …

  Jeannie We should’ve probably done a lot of things! We should probably be engaged now, if you weren’t such a spineless shit, like every other guy … so …

  Tom Your mouth is, like, I dunno. Wow.

  Jeannie Yeah, exactly right. ‘Wow.’ I’m twenty-eight years old and I just keep hitting the booby prize and you know what? After a while, it really starts to get you down …

  Tom But, I’m not … that’s not my …

  Jeannie What? Problem? I didn’t say that. It’s no one’s problem, me included … It just sucks. That’s what I’m saying. (Beat.) I thought maybe you were different, but you ended up being the same kind of lame guy that I perpetually date and it just freaks me out a little. That maybe you’re the only type’s out there. These baby boys who run around in nice clothes but all they really wanna do is breast feed for the rest of their days …