by Neil LaBute
Tom I can’t speak for other people, Jeannie, but I …
Jeannie I don’t care any more. I don’t.
Tom I’m just saying that … you and I didn’t end up working out, but it doesn’t mean … I like you. I did always like you, but … we’re …
Jeannie Tom, I know that you think that means something to me, but it’s really just drivel. OK? More of the same.
Tom Fine. I’m sorry.
Jeannie And that doesn’t do shit, either.
Tom nods, then sits and pulls out the files. Signs his name in several more places and then holds them out. Jeannie goes over and grabs them. Hovers.
Tom Yes?
Jeannie Listen, Tom …
Tom Don’t worry about it, Jeannie.
Jeannie You just get me so frustrated.
Tom It really is fine …
Jeannie No, I figure that I should just … I mean, who knows the next time we might see each other, like, in a non-professional way, and the thing of it is, the strange part of it is this – I’d take you back right now. I’m serious. I would, and I’m not sure why … because you are not really that … great, you weren’t so nice to me, Tom. Not at all. You didn’t hit me or anything, do something that the police might contact you about, but you really hurt me. A lot. By just being … you know. You. And yet when I’m standing here, looking at you I still have all these … whatevers toward you. Feelings and all that stuff, so, yeah. It really is a bit weird still. Tender, or …
Tom … I understand.
Jeannie No, you don’t! I mean, no offence, but how could you? You’re you and sitting over there – I’m a whole other person – so, you can’t know how it felt for you to do all that crap to me, ’cause if you did know or could feel it then I, I, I just refuse to believe that you’d’ve done it, because that’d suck. That would actually suck shit if it were the truth, so no – I’m ruling that out as a possibility. I wanna at least pretend that I was going out with a better guy than that, even if it wasn’t true – even if he was secretly thinking that I wasn’t good enough or, or cute enough or, just, like, whatever … not enough of something – I’m gonna fool myself into buying that other story because it’d be just way too awful to know that the opposite is what was really going on … that we were out there having fun and being all intimate and whatever, but that you were never really gonna give us a shot at this, were you? … at being a couple. Us two.
Tom Jeannie, I’m … I hear you, I do, but maybe we shouldn’t get into all this right now. ’Kay?
Jeannie … Fine. That’s no surprise. (Beat.) Look, I know you’re with her now – this Helen person – and I said I wasn’t gonna … but I really do need to know.
Tom … Yes? What?
Jeannie Come on. Tom. (Points at screen.) What is the story with that one?
Tom Jeannie …
Jeannie I mean, I hope it’s some sort of mothering thing or whatever, ’cause if not, it’s just so off-the-charts gross that I don’t know what to say.
Tom We should probably stop now.
Jeannie I mean, you know what everybody is saying around here, right? I know that you know. And it doesn’t even faze you, huh? At all?
Tom I’m … I don’t wanna do this. Here.
Jeannie It’s not like she’s … she’s really fat, Tom! A fat sow and you know it. I can tell you’re aware by the way you’re acting, which is really the puzzling part …
Tom I–like–her. End of story.
Jeannie Yeah, but what the hell? Did you do something bad in some former life that you’re making up for? Tell me, because … she’s … well, you know what she’s like better than the rest of us … I mean … is she a good cook, or …?
Tom STOP IT! Jeannie, just stop this. I get that you’re pissed at me and you needed to blow off some steam so that’s why I, I … I allowed you to say stuff, but …
Jeannie You didn’t ‘allow’ me shit, Tom! I can say whatever I want, any time I want. The whole company is, why should I be any different?
Tom Then talk if you want to! I–DO–NOT–CARE! I enjoy her because she’s not you, anything like you … She is not obsessed with looks and money and clothes and useless bullshit like that! OKAY?! (Beat.) I like who I am when I’m with her, alright, so just … fuck, leave us alone.
Jeannie Ohhhh … ‘us’. So it’s ‘us’ now, huh?
Tom Yeah. It is.
Jeannie And, forgive me for saying it, but she seems a little obsessed with some things … like maybe Doritos.
Tom starts to come round his desk now, determined to put an end to this. Jeannie stares him down.
Tom I’m serious here … you need to go.
Jeannie I am going, I am, but not because you say so. Because I want to. I want to be as far away from you as I can be …
Tom Good.
Jeannie Yeah, ‘good’. Nice retort.
Tom Just …
Jeannie What an ass. (Beat.) I’m sure you thought this would hurt me, right? Like, ‘What’s the worst thing I’d be able to do to her?’ And this is what you came up with, some self-image killer like this one … Tom ditched me for fucking Momma Cass! Boo-hoo, woe is me! Is that what all this shit is about, getting back at me?! Huh?!
Tom Jeannie, get out of here! NOW!
Jeannie It doesn’t hurt me at all! NOT ONE BIT! It just makes you look like some creepy fucker and a totally … AHHH! I don’t care. I hate you. HATE YOU. So, so much.
Jeannie storms out of his office, leaving the door wide open. Tom doesn’t have the strength to close it; crosses to his couch instead and sits. Rubs his eyes.
When he opens them, he sees Carter standing at the door.
Tom … Go away. Seriously.
Carter That’s not very neighbourly.
Tom Neighbours don’t treat neighbours like that. Enemies barely do …
Carter Dude, it’s a joke. (Beat.) Think of it as payback for forwarding everybody my email about that one lady at lunch. And I did see the string of her tampon, by the way … when she crossed her legs.
Tom I’m not kidding, Carter …
Carter I thought Helen looked good blown up like that! Several people I talked to said they’re gonna keep it …
Tom Come on, man. Really. Just leave me alone today.
Carter Fine.
But instead of leaving, Carter goes and drops into Tom’s chair and starts playing with it. Swinging in circles and raising/lowering the seat mechanism.
Tom If Moses had needed, like, another plague … I would’ve given him your number.
Carter Bad day?
Tom I’m getting used to ’em.
Carter That’s why I’m here. To be, like, a calming influence.
Tom Great. If you’re my best chance, then I’m screwed.
Carter Nah. All will be fine, my friend. I promise.
Tom O–kay. (Beat.) I don’t even need to ask you why you’re here …
Carter Just chillin’.
Tom Uh-huh. Figured.
The men sit in their respective spots for a bit, staring up at the ceiling. Finally, Tom speaks.
So, lemme ask you something, then.
Carter Shoot.
Tom And honestly now … just an opinion is all, so no big deal.
Carter I’m ready.
Tom What do you actually think of her? Helen, I mean.
Carter Umm …
Tom Not for you, or, like, scoping her out down in Jamaica or that type of thing … just as a person.
Carter Oh. Like that.
Tom Yes.
Carter sits back in the chair, thinking for a moment.
Carter You’re begging for trouble.
Tom That’s … why do I even ask you?
Carter No, and I’ll tell you why! I will. I know that I’m not super familiar with her or anything, like, her qualities – of which there may be many …
Tom There are –
Carter – and that’s great. Terrific. But I’m just talking purely as an ‘Is this a good deal for my pal here?�
� thing.
Tom Fine. And?
Carter And you got a long road ahead, that’s all. Just being honest.
Tom Fine.
Carter I’m not saying I don’t admire you – I do, actually, ’cause I know that I couldn’t do it! – but she’s gonna end up a weight around your neck. Forgive the pun …
Tom You’re … doing that strictly on a ‘physical’ basis … which is …
Carter Of course! Fuck, what else can I go on? (Beat.) I don’t wanna come off like some Elton John here, but you’re a good-looking guy. You’re successful, bit of a player in the industry … I don’t understand you taking God’s good gifts and then pissing on ’em …
Tom Carter …
Carter Dude, you’re the one who evoked a biblical thing earlier … so take a glance at Noah and all that flood shit! He didn’t pair up the apes with the antelope, right? It’s one of the many laws of nature. ‘Run with your own kind.’
Tom That is so … out of whack that I’m, like, completely lost now …
Carter Hey, it’s a free country, and if this is how you really feel, then you are fucking Gunga Din. ‘Better man than I am’ and all that shit. Just do not be surprised when you turn a few heads down at the mall.
Tom But why can’t we … I mean, shit! I dunno, man, I like her. A lot. She makes me happy, and I really wanna make her happy, too …
Carter I’m not saying she can’t be happy. That she shouldn’t meet somebody, but it oughta be a fat somebody, or a bald one. Whatever. Like her. A somebody that fits her …
Tom That’s crazy … things aren’t just based on appearance!
Carter Maybe you should snap on the TV once in a while. (Beat.) I’m not talking about what people deserve, I’m saying what they get. You look one way, you have access to all this … look some other way, all you get is that. Sorry, but it’s true.
Tom … Yeah, well, it sucks …
Carter It’s whatever. Truth. People are not comfortable with difference. Ya know? Fags, retards, cripples. Fat people. Old folks, even. They scare us or something.
Tom I don’t think that’s true. I mean, I’m not … No, Carter, I don’t buy that. We’re all …
Carter Come on, be honest! The thing they represent that’s so scary is what we could be, how vulnerable we all are. I mean, any of us.
Tom Old people, though? Come on. We’re all gonna age. It’s …
Carter Not me. I hope I’m a goner before then. The elderly make me sick …
Tom This is … You’re not helping me, Carter! That is the most depressing shit I’ve ever heard. (Beat.) Seriously.
Carter holds up his hands and shrugs. Tom sits up on the couch, thinking. A bit lost.
Carter All I’m saying is this … do what you want. If you like this girl, then don’t listen to a goddamn word anybody says. Not one. (Beat.) However … if you’re looking for my opinion, it’s this – you’ve got your whole life to be a positive person, OK? To do some good in the community and be a big-hearted fellow or whatever. Overlook people’s flaws and plant saplings and shit. But you’re only young once. Handsome and youthful and vibrant. So don’t fuck it up, that is all I’m telling you here. Don’t take a complete dump on your one moment in the sun … (Beat.) Not for somebody like her.
Tom Carter … Fuck! You’re not … God … You don’t always have to say something. You know? Like, everything that comes into your head. I mean … shit.
Tom catches himself, stops. Silence. After a minute, Carter yawns and slowly stands.
Carter Yeah, I should stuff an envelope or two. (Laughs.) So look … I wanna run this past you first, I mean, … I’m gonna ask Jeannie to that beach deal coming up. Is that cool?
Tom Umm … sure. No, of course.
Carter I mean, no weirdness for us?
Tom None. I think you two could … just might be perfect for each other.
Carter Yeah, me too! (Beat.) I heard she’s started going to a gym, so that’s something. I mean, you know her body, right? Obvious potential …
Tom Course.
Carter Anyway … as long as we’re still …
Tom Sure. I think we’ll remain exactly what we are. You and me.
Carter Friends, right?
Tom Sorta. (Gestures with his fingers.) About this much.
Carter Good enough for me. Oh I forgot.
He reaches into a shirt pocket and hands Tom the photo of Helen that he took before. Pats Tom on the shoulder.
I know you’ll do the right thing.
He exits. Tom goes to the couch and sits down. Holds the picture in front of him. Brings it closer now. Staring at it. Hard.
ONE OF THOSE BLUSTERY DAYS AT THE BEACH
A stretch of sand. Tom, in a flowered swimsuit, sitting alone on a blanket. Trying to focus on a biography.
After a moment, Jeannie approaches. She is looking fit and is wearing a skimpy bikini. She towers over him.
Jeannie … Thought that was you.
Tom Yeah. Hey. (Jumps up.) … You look good. I mean, nice.
Jeannie Thanks. Yeah … I’m doing pilates now. (Beat.) How come you guys are sitting way down here?
Tom Oh, we’re just … little privacy, I suppose. Edge of the group is all.
Jeannie Ah. Cool.
Tom So … (Beat.) You and Carter, huh?
Jeannie Yeah, how ’bout that?!
Tom It’s good.
Jeannie I hope so. He’s actually OK once you get him outta the office …
Tom Most people are. That’s not, like, the best environment for a person. Those cubicles …
Jeannie Probably not. (Smiles.) Anyways …
Tom Right. Anyway. I hope you guys …
Jeannie … Thanks. You, too, I guess.
She leans toward him and Tom gives her a peck on the cheek. Tom responds briefly.
Well … come down and do a little volleyball later or something.
Tom Will do. Maybe.
Jeannie ’Kay. (Beat.) See that you’re still wearing that swimsuit I got you …
Tom Yes. I like it.
Jeannie Looks good on you. I mean, nice. (Grins.) Alright, so I’ll see you, then …
Tom OK. Take care.
Jeannie Same to you. (Hangs on.) And, look, about all that other stuff …
Tom Don’t worry about it, Jeannie, it really is fine …
Jeannie OK, yeah, but I just want you to know that … that I’m …
Helen arrives on the scene juggling a large tray full of food. She is wearing a one-piece suit, with a beach wrap around her waist.
Hey. Get everything you need?
Helen Yes, thanks. (To Jeannie.) Hello.
Jeannie Hi, I’m Jeannie. Tom and I … work together.
Helen Oh, nice. I’m Helen.
Jeannie Yeah, I figured. (Beat.) I just mean, Tom mentioned you before.
Helen Oh. (Hugs Tom.) That was sweet.
Tom Hey.
Jeannie Anyhow, I came down to say ‘hello’ and invite you guys over for some games later …
Tom Cool. We’ll, umm …
Helen I’m not too sporty, but … not that you could tell or anything!
The two women share a little laugh. Jeannie glances at Tom, who tries to smile but only grimaces.
Tom We’ll see. Thanks, though.
Helen Yes, we appreciate it. And really great to meet you …
Jeannie You, too. So long, Tom.
Tom OK. Bye, Jeannie …
Jeannie throws one last look at Tom, then heads off down the beach toward the others. Tom sits down on the blanket with the food. Helen follows in a moment, out of breath.
So. That’s Jeannie. She’s in Accounting.
Helen That’s quite a swimsuit she’s got there. For an accountant. (Recovers.) Seems nice, though.
Tom Yeah. Pretty much.
Helen What’s that mean?
Tom Oh, ya know … have our differences at work sometimes, that’s all.
Helen Ahh.
They settle t
hemselves on their blanket and begin to sort the food items into two stacks.
Tom Oh, good, I’m glad they had those kettle chips … (He looks off.) Is that Carter?
Helen Yeah, he said ‘hi’ when I was down there. He introduced me around.
Tom Good, that’s – (Yells.) HEY, BUDDY! (Laughs.) Yeah, right! Sure!!
Helen You can go down there if you want.
Tom Huh? No, I wanna be here with you. We’ll, you know … later.
Helen ’Kay. (Looking up.) Beautiful day.
Tom Uh-huh, yep. Super nice …
They sit for a moment, taking in the sun. The surf.
Helen How long do these things usually go? Any idea?
Tom Umm, no, but … we don’t have to stay or anything. That’s fine. I just need to, you know, make an appearance …
Helen No, I like it. Being here with you and all your … it’s great. (Beat.) We just promised those guys that we’d … at some point drop off the cheque …
Tom Oh, right, the travel agent. Sure. (Beat.) We should maybe … later. Go.
Helen Hmm, weird vibe here. Tom are you sure …?
Tom … Yeah. You kidding me? It’s a … great place. I love Miami.
Helen I sorta meant about the part where we get to be together, but …
Tom Oh, that. (Yawns.) Yeah, that’s OK.
Helen swats him on the arm. Tom reacts and sits back. She watches him as he turns away.
Helen So, are you excited about it? The trip, I mean?
Tom What? Of course. (Beat.) It’s all set and everything.
Helen That’s not really the same as just saying ‘yes’.
Tom Jesus, fine … Yes. Better? (Beat.) Food looks good. Thanks for going down there …
Helen Figured we should grab some before it was gone.
Tom Right. Sorry, I should’ve …
Helen No, it felt nice, to walk through the surf like that. Fun.
Tom Cool. Glad you could make it …
Helen … It wasn’t that far.
Tom No, I’m … I meant, switch days or whatever.
Helen I know. It’s a joke. (Beat.) Tom, are you sure?
Tom Of course. Why?
Helen I’m … nothing. Let’s eat.
Tom No, Helen. What?
Helen Same ol’ stuff. Doesn’t matter.
Tom Of course it does. Of course … Tell me.
Helen Look where we’re at. I mean, Tom, it’s … forget it.
She holds up a hot dog.