“For what?” He questions, eyes still hard on mine, then my lips, then back to my eyes. I can’t believe he’s even asking that.
“For kissing Ivy on my birthday when that should have been me. For being an infuriating jerk all the time and for jumping to conclusions every chance you get.” I demand but his face only hardens, becoming stony with a stubborn resolve that chills me to the bone.
I see the decision in his eyes before he even opens his mouth.
I see the moment he decides not to be mine.
“You’re the one who causes it all!” He accuses, his dark eyes pinning me down to the hood of the car and for a moment, I forget how to breathe.
I forget how to function, lost in his dark, turbulent eyes.
“It seems like at every turn, you always shut me out. You and only you know that I’m not just fucked up but there are times that I feel lost and you should have guided me, guided us!” He says, each word sounding like a curse with its violent, hard hitting feeling. “But more than that, you reject me every time.”
I can feel his restless energy, can feel the expanding of our chests as we stare at each other, a mountain of truth between us—judging us. Taunting us. Daring us to come clean.
Will we?
I don’t know.
“Ever since you came back, you’ve been denying us. No matter how many times I try to claim you, you deny me.” He almost shouts, but he doesn’t and that’s even worse.
He gives me this twisted yet beautiful smile that almost makes my heart explode as my pulse thrums in my neck so hard, I can feel it about to burst.
Anger doesn’t begin to cover what he’s feeling right now.
“And what was I to think? Do you think I know what I’m doing when it comes to you?” I shout in his face, unable to believe that we are here, that we are still in each other’s face as we fight on the side of the road like an old couple, lost on a road trip.
But we are lost. Lost in each other and lost away from each other. I don’t know which is worse anymore because all I’ve ever wanted is him.
“No but we could have worked it out together, couldn’t we?” He questions, as he looks at me dead in the eyes. “You said you wanted to learn how to drive and here we are.”
“We also said we wouldn’t lie to each other!” I shout. “You remember that your highness?” I demand, my voice mocking but he doesn’t say anything, his face tightening as he shuts down right in front me and something in me just. . .dies.
He’s keeping something from me.
“Can you, right in this fucking moment, look me in the eye and tell me that you’re not keeping something from me?” I question, my voice now a whisper but he doesn’t say anything, watching me like I’m a wounded animal.
“You need to get over all of this shit.” He says quietly and I gasp, my jaw dropping to the floor. Ace King was an asshole in a class all by himself. He knew the right buttons to push but he chose to play and toy with the dangerous, explosive ones, just so he can push you over the edge of lust and insanity.
But right now, as I look at him, I realize that he had just reached a new level of messed up that I wasn’t ready for.
“Let me go.” I demand, trying to push him away.
“Astraea.”
“Let me go, you asshole!” I shout, but my voice cracks at the end.
“I’ve been in love with you since fucking forever and you kissed her!” I shout, refusing to let the tears now blurring my eyes to fall. “You claimed me right from the start and you think I would just get over that? Get over you?” I demand.
Painful silences stretches between us as we look at each other, but I know he’s already made up his mind.
“What did you just say?” He demands and I try to push him away, wanting to get out of there, away from him. I need space. I need to be alone.
“Nothing.” I say, pushing at his chest but he doesn’t move.
“I swear to God Astraea, don’t fucking test me. What did you say?” He demands again, his fingers at my chin tugging again so that I don’t look away from him.
So, I do the next best broken thing.
I close my eyes and just as quickly, the tears start to fall silently down my cheeks. In that moment, I can feel the anguished echoes in my soul.
Ace and I were too toxic to even function.
I guess it’s true what they say, silent tears hurt the most and never ignore your gut. So, I start picking the broken pieces of myself as best as I can, hoping that he will understand.
“You touch me and I melt. You touch me and suddenly, I forget that my body was once violated.” I start, my voice low but still strong. I don’t bother dwelling on the crappy parts, I just keep going, hurrying to get this over with.
“You kiss me and I fucking die and come alive at the same time. Hell, you even bullied me when we were younger and I saw that as you seeing me.” I start laughing looking away but at him, wiping away my tears as furiously as I can. “Shows how stupid I am, doesn’t it?”
“I did fucking see you!” He interrupts, looking at me. “I fucking saw you right from the start, Star don’t you dare dismiss that.” He growls, pain and anguish flashing in his eyes, weakening my knees and breaking us apart.
“I love you.”
The words just flow out of my mouth, escaping like a whisper of breath in the middle of the night. My heart constricts with the admission, the words washing over me like bitter honey.
“Star.”
“You don’t have to do anything with those words. You don’t have to respond or act on them. I just wanted you to know that even when my mind works against me, when I’m thrust in the deepest pit of hell, depression and chaos chewing me up inside until I don’t know who I am anymore, I see you.” I say as I reach up and caress his perfectly chiseled cheek, feeling his clenched jaw under my touch.
A sad smile graces my face, matching the hollowness that is filling my chest at this very moment.
“I see your frosty eyes.” I whisper, remembering the time in London when I overdosed. I swear, when I was about to lose consciousness, reality and my grip on life slipping away, I saw his devilish eyes, piercing the darkness.
“Astraea.” he starts but I cut him off, wanting to get this off my chest.
“I think I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.” I admit, and a sad chuckle leaves me as I think back to the day I stole his ball, forcing him to stay and play with the boys but really, I just wanted that angry look on his face gone. But with all that effort, after all these years, he’s even worse than I thought.
I push him away then and I don’t know if its shock that makes him move away or it’s his sign of surrender, but he does.
I hop off the hood of the car, ignoring the disappointment that lingers in the air, that I know will ravage me later tonight but for now, I just wanted him to know.
“I could easily fall in love with Emmett or any other guy for that matter.” I whisper, looking down at my feet, afraid to look him in the eyes. “But that’s not me. My heart shouldn’t beat for you, but it does. I shouldn’t want you, but I do.”
“Astraea.” He starts, his voice filled with so much pain that breaks my heart and I realize why as I look up into his eyes.
He isn’t going to tell me those words.
He doesn’t love me.
Not as much as I do.
“I can love you and want you at the same time but that doesn’t mean you get to treat this casually.” I say.
“I’m broken, that is something you knew about even before I went away four years ago. I’m discovering that I’m high maintenance but more than that, I need trust. I need you to have faith in us. I need a guarantee that this will work. That you won’t hurt me because, Ace King.” I breathe, looking up at him. “My heart is too fragile and my soul has been broken before with waiting on you and then wanting you so desperately, I couldn’t function well.”
He sucks in a deep breath but I go on.
“But we’re stil
l us. . . with a shared history that threatens to swallow us whole if we let it, so tell me now, will you hurt me?” I question, feeling the warmth of hope breathe into me as I stare at him.
Please say you won’t.
Please tell me you have faith in us.
Please don’t destroy us, I pray silently as I look up at this devilish, sexy as hell boy that stops the sun and the moon, just so he can play with my feelings.
But. . .he doesn’t say a word. He just watches me back, his lips pressed together in a firm line.
I let out a broken, pained and labored gasp that shatters every bone in my body.
I guess that’s my answer.
“Please, take me home.” I whisper, looking away from him.
“Damn it, Astraea.” He calls after me, frustration tugging at each note of his voice but I’m already disconnecting to him and the rest of the world as I round the car and go to the passenger’s side.
Not bothering to look at him, I open the door and slide in. My movements are wooden, plastic and all wrong but I don’t care.
I love a boy that still has so much hate in him, so much so that he won’t love me back.
One thing I’ll credit Ace, he was honest, even when he tortures your soul and dragged you to hell, he was honest.
I don’t think we were ever meant for this anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
The car ride back to the estates was more than tense but it was silent and for that, I was grateful.
Ace being who he was didn’t bother talking to me but his jaw was ticking, his knuckles white and tight on the steering wheel of the car, glancing at me every few seconds.
And I, I just kept my eyes shut the whole way, knowing better than to cry, or talk.
Knowing better that to feel.
I knew better.
So, with a kiss to his jaw that tasted as bitter as a goodbye I never had with my brother, I waited for him to say something, to take us out of our misery and heartbreak, but true to fashion, he doesn’t. So, I left the car and ran up the stairs of my house, forgetting for a moment that Amanda is home and I haven’t used the front door since she’s been back.
But the moment I step through the large front doors, I feel the stifling air around the house crackle and shift, the evidence of trouble and danger in the air, just waiting for me.
In that moment I knew, there was no question about it.
Amanda has been waiting for me to come back.
My steps become heavy. My breathing becomes labored and painful as I slowly look around the foyer. Dread makes all my limbs feel like they’re blocks of cement, but I push past that.
Be cool. Be composed. You’re safe.
I quickly wipe away the evidence of my breaking, because that, doesn’t matter.
In front of Amanda Fields or whoever the fuck she is, I won’t break. I won’t let her break me. She has already done enough.
But even as I think that, I don’t believe it for a second.
Chills race up and down my arms, and my spine. I quickly reach for my phone so I can call Ace to come back. You know what, scratch that, I’ll call Noah or Emmett, any-fucking-one of them really because I don’t feel comfortable right now.
The last time I had this feeling, I was brutally sodomized before I could even run for my life.
Maybe I can get out now. But all the lights are on in the house unlike four years ago. Everything looks normal, almost stable but I still can’t ignore this feeling. . .
There’s this eerie silence that doesn’t sit well with me. Just like four years ago.
There’s no one in sight and I don’t know where anyone is. Just like four years ago. Oh God.
I glance at the stairs that lead up to my room, then back at the large doors behind me, all while calculating the amount of time it will take me to run out that door if there is trouble.
Astraea, at times you have to face your fears.
I can hear Kim’s voice in my head but right now, I think I’m going to cower out of this. I start sweating profusely as I walk across the foyer, my pulse hammering against my skin but I keep walking.
I’m perfectly safe.
The security here has been upgraded. Nothing will happen to me.
“Astraea?”
I breathe a deep sigh of relief as soon as I hear my mother’s voice calling, her voice coming from the library that is just off the side of the living room.
“Is that you? If it is, can you please come in here.” She calls.
As I try to control the violent beating of my heart, I realize that my mother’s voice is shaky, breathy and maybe even scared. That in itself makes dread settle in my stomach. Amanda Fields doesn’t have it in her to be scared of anything or anyone.
The thought suddenly shifts me back to being on high alert again, feeling anxiety in the pit of my stomach.
I start walking towards the library, without responding or confirming my presence because I know, she’s aware that it’s me so there’s no need for that.
Maybe I should just ignore her and go up to my room but something about her voice makes my feet move, heading towards her.
Everything that happened with Ace tonight threatens to overwhelm me, making my heart beat even faster but I ignore that too and keep going until suddenly, I stand at the open library doors. I can’t even remember the last time I was ever in here.
“There you are.” Amanda gushes as soon as I step into the library. My gaze immediately falls on her.
The beautiful, stunningly gorgeous, vivacious, cunning, gold digger, whatever, Amanda Fields, seated on one of the high-backed chairs in the library, her legs crossed together, watching me like a hawk.
Her face is stoic, a perfect mask of poise and composure, like she isn’t fazed by anything and isn’t losing her damn mind like I know she is because in her muddy brown eyes that stare at me, I swear I can see the devil.
Dread.
This woman has the power to destroy me, and right now, we both know it.
“I don’t have anything to say to you.” I immediately say, my spine straightening. I can feel my heart start to pound again, as I ball my fists. There is something in my mother’s eyes now as we stare at each other that makes me almost take a step back.
“Oh nonsense, sweetheart.” She says, now with a Cheshire grin on her beautifully made up face. “We have a lot to catch up on.”
How does she do it?
How does she pretend like that?
“Really?” I question, calling upon all the gods in the universe and beyond to give me whatever steel resilience and aloofness they had given Ace. I needed it right now.
“Yes! I know you have school tomorrow but you hardly ever sleep, and I want to talk to you.”
“You do now, don’t you?” I mock, watching the way she’s seated in that damn chair, her eyes on me. Something is. . .off.
“Come have a seat so we can talk.” She says, gesturing to the chair in front of her, acting like she’s inviting me to a fucking tea party or something.
“Hmm, no thanks, I don’t really spend my time with conniving hoes like you.” I seethe, a tremble moving through me.
“Is that so?” She questions, watching me now with a sharp, eagle like gaze that makes me finally take that fucking step back. A shiver moves through me as I watch her smirk, noting the way my body is trembling.
Think fast, Astraea. Be strong.
“This could be far worse for you if you don’t cooperate.” She says, a cool smile on her face.
My stomach sinks, a cold shiver makes sweat dot my brow.
“Far worse, huh? Please, enlighten me. Like what exactly?” I question, struggling to keep my voice calm and my heart from sinking, but sass and bravado? I got that in spades. “Were you thinking of sending me back to that institution in London?” I ask, tilting my head to the left.
“Oh please, do you think that’s the only card up my sleeve?” She questions, eyebrow raised as she watches me.
What?
“I
honestly don’t want to know what other cards you have, or what else you shove up any of your disgusting orifices.” I seethe, watching her.
She gasps, her jaw dropping to the floor, pretending to be hurt but really, she’s gearing up for something and if I don’t hear what she wants, she’ll just tire me the fuck out. Already, I feel spent and all I want is a good cry in the shower.
“What do you want?” I question, tilting my head to the left, as I watch her right back, feeling my gaze getting frostier and just as intense as hers.
I have learnt a lot about hate from the very best after all.
“Am I not allowed to talk to my daughter anymore?”
“Well, do you talk to you your other daughter? You had two, didn’t you?” I question, now taping my chin, pretending to think it over. “What ever happened to that little girl?”
“Astraea.”
“Oh wait, you got rid of her.”
“Astraea, I’m warning you.” She almost growls but I pretend not to hear her as I start walking further into the library, now pacing as I pretend to think it over, using all the pent-up energy I have from tonight and all the disappointment, the rage, the heart ache, the pain and chaos, that has lodged itself in my heart.
“You had a set of fraternal triplets. Two girls, and one boy, right?” I question, but don’t bother waiting for a reply.
“So, let me get this straight. You got rid of one of those girls, sent the remaining kids to an orphanage. Was it because you couldn’t afford to keep them all, so you just had to get rid of one, but then you ended up not being there for two years. Or was it because three kids just weren’t a good fit for your plans of Westbrook Blues domination?”
“You don’t have any idea what you are talking about!” She snaps, her voice deepening.
“Whoa, isn’t that why we are here after all?” I question her as she looks at me. “Was it because Denise, your ex-best friend, had a better life than you and you wanted that too?” I question.
“How do you know about that?” She questions.
“Really, is that the part you’re hung up on?” I mock and she starts standing up then, anger lighting her eyes like she’s about to set me on fire.
“If I were you little girl, I would watch the next words that come out of my mouth and while you’re at it, catch yourself before you act out because what’s about to happen in this library right now, is something you would have never imagined.”
Vicious Hate (Westbrook Blues Book 2) Page 32