Never Look Back

by Alison Gaylin

  Dedication

  For Myrna Lebov, in loving memory

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  One

  Two: Quentin

  Three

  Four: Quentin

  Five: Quentin

  Six

  Seven: Robin

  Eight: Robin

  Nine

  Ten: Quentin

  Eleven: Robin

  Twelve

  Thirteen: Robin

  Fourteen: Quentin

  Fifteen: Quentin

  Sixteen

  Seventeen: Robin

  Eighteen

  Nineteen: Robin

  Twenty: Robin

  Twenty-One

  Twenty-Two: Robin

  Twenty-Three

  Twenty-Four: Robin

  Twenty-Five

  Twenty-Six: Reg

  Twenty-Seven: Robin

  Twenty-Eight: Robin

  Twenty-Nine

  Thirty: Robin

  Thirty-One

  Thirty-Two: Robin

  Thirty-Three: Summer

  Thirty-Four

  Thirty-Five: Summer

  Thirty-Six: Robin

  Thirty-Seven

  Thirty-Eight: Robin

  Thirty-Nine: Summer

  Forty

  Forty-One: Robin

  Forty-Two: Eight months later: Summer

  Forty-Three

  Acknowledgments

  P.S. Insights, Interviews & More . . .*

  About the Author

  About the Book

  Also by Alison Gaylin

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  One

  June 10, 1976

  1:00 A.M.

  Written Assignment for Ninth-Grade

  Social Studies Class (Mrs. Brixton)

  A Letter to My Future Child

  By April Cooper

  Dear Aurora Grace,

  It is 1976, the year of our nation’s bicentennial. I turned fifteen three months ago. Like many young people my age, I am concerned about some of the issues affecting our country and the planet. The hole in the ozone layer is something that I worry about. The passage of the Equal Rights Amendment could provide equal pay for both you and me. These issues, just like you, are part of a future I can’t see from where I am. I try to imagine the world you may be living in: flying cars; picture phones; pills that can make you beautiful forever. I try to imagine you—what you might look like, the clothes you might wear, the sound of your laugh. I try to imagine who your father might be, and I’m hoping with my whole heart that he’s someone I will meet many years from now, when everything is better.

  I don’t know a lot. I’m only a freshman, and my grades are just okay. I don’t play any musical instruments and I’m not on a sports team. I’ve never traveled to a foreign country except for the one time my mom and I went to Mexico, and I was only five years old then, so all I remember is the hotel swimming pool.

  But there are things I’ve seen now. There are things I know.

  I heard the gunshots when I got home from school. I was walking up the driveway and there were three loud blasts. Fireworks for the bicentennial, I thought. I told myself the blasts were coming from the park up the block, from someone else’s backyard, from my own imagination. But part of me knew that something horrible had happened.

  When I opened the door to my house, the lights were off and the shades were drawn, and so the first thing I noticed was the smell. Like sawdust and smoke and something else—something coppery and dark that made my stomach turn.

  I felt hands on my back, someone gripping my neck and spinning me to look at him. “I didn’t mean to,” Gabriel said. “I was just so angry at your stepfather. I know you only broke up with me because he made you. I love you so much, April.”

  I could smell his sweat. I felt it slick and cold on his hands and on my skin. When Gabriel turned the light on and I got a good look at him, I noticed the spray of tiny red drops across his face.

  Papa Pete was on the floor. Blood spreading beneath him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone or anything as absolutely still as his body.

  I tried to ask where Jenny was, but I was crying so hard I couldn’t get the words out. Jenny is my baby sister. Your future aunt, Aurora Grace. She’s only three years old. I don’t know what he’s done with her.

  When I was still crying, Gabriel put the gun in my hand. He wrapped himself around me, the same way he had done back in January, when he taught me how to hit a golf ball at the driving range near his house. He aimed the barrel on Papa Pete and pressed his fingers against mine and made me pull the trigger. Papa Pete’s body shook. Mine too. My throat was raw from screaming, but I couldn’t hear my own voice.

  Hours later now, and my ears are still ringing. Gabriel is asleep, but in my head, he is still saying it, over and over: Now you’ve done it too. You’ve shot him too. Your prints are on the gun. We’re in this together. He is so close, his lips brush the back of my neck. “We’re in this together,” Gabriel whispers. “We’ll always be together.”

  When someone is that close, you don’t just hear a whisper. You feel it.

  It’s 1:00 A.M. A half hour ago, I sneaked out of my room and tried to call the police, but the line had been cut. I felt someone watching me. It was Gabriel, awake and standing right behind me. He pressed the gun between my shoulder blades. I felt it so clearly—the full circle of the barrel on the part of my back that leads directly to my heart. It felt heavy and cold and I was scared beyond breathing. Gabriel spoke very quietly. “Jenny is in a safe place,” he said. “She’s being cared for. Things will stay that way unless I say the word. And I’ll never say the word, as long as you are good to me.”

  Gabriel has the keys to Papa Pete’s Cavalier, the money from Papa Pete’s wallet, and of course, he has the gun. He says he’s leaving, and if I’m good, he’ll take me with him, alive. I don’t want to ask him where the gun came from, or how he got to my house in the first place with no car. But I’m guessing that it has to do with the people watching Jenny, and so I’m going to try and be good, even though I feel as though my whole life has been pulled out from under me and I can’t close my eyes without seeing Papa Pete—the shell of him on our living room floor, blood pooling all around.

  I will be good. I will be good. I will be good. Please help me to be good.

  A week ago, I was so excited about this assignment. Mrs. Brixton told our class that she would keep the letters and send them to us at our future homes in the year 2000, when we will be the age that she is now.

  Aurora Grace, the one thing in the world that I know I want to be is a mother, your mother. The idea of writing you a letter now that you can read someday gave me what Papa Pete would have called “purpose” and “direction” and all kinds of other things I’ve never had enough of. It made me so happy, I actually thanked Mrs. Brixton for the assignment. But now, I know I’ll never be able to turn it in. School is out in less than a week. And one way or another, I will be gone by sunrise.

  With love,

  April (Your Future Mom)

  Two

  Quentin

  “IT WAS THE girl.” The old man leaned forward, bracing against the worn-out armchair as though he were trying to escape its grasp. “April Cooper. She was the real killer.”

  Quentin Garrison watched his face. He was very good at describing people, a skill he used all the time in his true crime podcasts. Later, recording the narration segments with his coproducer, Summer Hawkins, Quentin would paint the picture for his listeners—the leathery skin, the white eyebrows wispy as cobwebs, the eyes, cerulean in 1976 but now the color of worn denim, and with so much pain bottled up behind them, as
though he were constantly hovering on the brink of tears.

  The man was named Reg Sharkey, and on June 20, 1976, he’d watched his four-year-old daughter Kimmy die instantly of a gunshot wound to the chest—the youngest victim of April Cooper and Gabriel Allen LeRoy, aka the Inland Empire Killers. Two weeks later, his wife, Clara, had decided her own grief was too much to bear and committed suicide, after which Reg Sharkey had apparently given up on caring about anything or anyone.

  Quentin said, “Wasn’t it LeRoy who pulled the trigger?”

  “Yes.”

  “But you blame April.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  Reg stayed quiet for several seconds. Quentin resisted the urge to fill in the dead air. This was a trick that often worked in interviews, the subject finally relenting and spilling his guts—anything to put an end to that awful, uncomfortable silence.

  Quentin listened to the hum of the air conditioner and the whoosh of a passing truck. Just outside the shaded window, a bird shrieked—a blue jay, Quentin thought, or some other similar species put on this earth to destroy radio broadcasts. He was glad Summer had talked him into the cardioid mic—it was so much better at cutting out background noise than the omnidirectional he’d planned on taking. You’d be surprised at how many distracting sounds there are in a typical living room, Summer had said. And she’d been right. Of course, if Summer had seen this place, she’d never have called it typical.

  Reg’s living room was a time capsule, from the faded plaid earth-toned couch, to the Formica coffee table, to the avocado-green ashtray and matching coasters that looked as though they hadn’t been unstacked since the premiere of the very first Star Wars movie. There was a coffee-table book of photography—The Best of Life Magazine—and a few dusty TV Guides, one of which had Fonzie on the cover. It was as though Reg Sharkey had attempted to stop the clock on June 19, 1976, before his family had crumbled into a billion pieces.

  Quentin took in the line of photographs on the mantelpiece—almost all of them of Clara and Kimmy, holiday photos and vacation shots, birthday party pictures, mother and daughter, smiling and young, forever hopeful, just we two . . . Quentin’s jaw tensed, a tiny, bitter seed taking root at the pit of his stomach.

  He took a deep breath, willing the tension out of his body as he’d learned in the holistic yoga class his husband, Dean, had forced him to take. In with the positive energy, out with the negative . . . God, Dean could be so Californian sometimes, but it was better than nothing. Worse than downing a globe-size martini, or putting one’s fist through drywall. But better than nothing.

  “They’re all I have,” said Reg. “Those pictures you’re looking at. They’re the only family I have left.”

  “Well . . .” said Quentin.

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Yes.” Quentin struggled to keep his tone neutral. “I know what you mean.” But the truth was still right here with them, hanging in the stale air and coursing through Quentin’s tensed muscles, showing itself in his narrow face and his slight overbite and the thick black lashes that used to get him teased when he was a kid. No matter what Reg Sharkey thought he meant, the truth was with them. It had nowhere else to go.

  Reg and Clara had another daughter, a girl ten years older than Kimmy. At the edge of the mantel stood the evidence, a faded professional photo of the Sharkey family: Kimmy as a baby in Clara’s arms, posed between Reg and that older daughter, Kate.

  Quentin stared at the ten-year-old standing next to her mother, a skinny kid with a pained, buck-toothed smile, a puffy-sleeved pink party dress that seemed to swallow her whole. Thick lashes behind plastic-framed glasses, dark eyes identical to his own.

  He gritted his teeth. One picture. Out of this entire gallery, just one picture of Kate in a bent, cardboard frame. Anger bubbled within him, the kind a healing breath couldn’t fix, and Quentin had an urge to point that out—just one fucking picture of her—but he kept his mouth shut, remembering Reg’s rough voice over the phone. How he’d relented, finally, to thirty minutes and not a second more. Quentin needed those thirty minutes if this podcast was going to work. He needed to keep calm.

  Quentin cleared his throat. “Back to my original question,” he said. “What did April Cooper do to make you think she was the real killer?”

  “She didn’t do anything.”

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  Reg sighed heavily. “Gabriel LeRoy was all over the place. He was firing at everybody in that Arco station. He was consumed by rage. Out of control.”

  “Okay . . .”

  “She wasn’t.”

  Quentin nodded slowly. “She could have stopped him, but she didn’t.”

  “Yep.”

  “I’m sorry, sir,” he said, “but I’m really trying to understand this. Can you explain to me why that makes a fifteen-year-old girl guiltier of murder than the legal adult who actually killed everyone?”

  He drew a long, weary breath. “Think about a house on fire. It’s your house. Burning to the ground, taking with it everything you own. Everything you love. April Cooper—a fifteen-year-old girl as you point out—is standing next to the firehose, but she doesn’t make a move toward it. She just watches the flames and smiles.” Reg ran a hand through his hair and leaned forward, eyes blazing. “Who are you going to blame for all that destruction—the fire? It’s a thing of nature. It can’t exist without burning.”

  Quentin took too big a gulp of the iced tea Reg had brought him—lukewarm and bitter. Hard to swallow. Everything you love.

  “Kimmy was just eleven years younger than April Cooper,” Reg was saying. “She could have been her little sister, but that . . . that girl just stood there. Her boyfriend shot my daughter in cold blood. He took away everything I loved and April Cooper stood there, like she was watching a movie. Do you understand me now?”

  Dark thoughts whirled through Quentin’s brain. He tried another of Dean’s deep, healing breaths. “Yes,” he said. “I understand.”

  “Good.”

  Quentin pulled his steno pad out of his pocket. With shaking hands, he thumbed through the pages he’d covered in notes from the hours he’d spent online, reading old issues of the San Bernardino Sun.

  “I haven’t seen one of those since I was still working.” Reg gestured at the pad. “I did the books for a Ford dealership in La Quinta. Spent twenty-five years in that same office, one secretary the whole time. Sweet old lady named Dee. I bet a kid your age wouldn’t even know what shorthand is, but Dee was sure good at it.”

  Quentin cut him off too quickly. “Tell me about June twentieth, 1976,” he said, reading from his notes. “It was a hot day, right? Close to ninety degrees.”

  “Yes. It was.”

  “And it was a Sunday. Did you guys go to church?”

  “Yep.”

  “How soon after church did you and Kimmy go to the gas station?”

  “We went home, had lunch. Kimmy asked if we could go for ice cream. The gas station was a quick stop first. But Kimmy loved it there.”

  “She loved the Arco station?”

  “Yeah. There was a mural there—I think the owner’s kid painted it. Noah’s Ark, with all the animals.”

  “That’s sweet.”

  “It was.”

  Quentin asked Reg to set the scene—to describe the sights and sounds and smells at the Arco station once he and Kimmy arrived. He wanted him to remember it in full, to the point of crying, so that listeners might feel something for this man. That he might feel something for this man . . .

  Reg obliged, his voice soft and contemplative and weary. Good radio, though Quentin couldn’t get himself to concentrate. “. . . steam coming off the pavement,” Reg was saying. “His shouts. They echoed. The boy wasn’t in his right mind. He was drunk or stoned. Maybe both. He was swaying on his feet. I told Kimmy to get down, and she did. But . . . she was holding her favorite plastic horse. The shiny black one. She dropped it. It made this clattering sound
on the pavement, and then LeRoy just . . . he just . . .” A tear trickled down Reg’s cheek. “I begged her. I looked right into April Cooper’s eyes and I said, ‘Please make him stop . . .’ But she didn’t. She . . . she gave me this look. Like she expected this to happen. I think she might have smiled.”

  Quentin closed his eyes for a moment.

  “You okay?” Reg said.

  Don’t say it. Don’t say it . . . But he said it. He had to.

  “Everything you love.” And it was as though Quentin stepped off the edge of a cliff, years and years of pain and anger spread out below.

  “What?”

  “The burning house,” Quentin said. “You said it takes down everything you love.”

  “That’s right.”

  “What about your other daughter? What about Kate? She wasn’t taken down. LeRoy and Cooper didn’t get her. Are you saying that you didn’t love Kate?”

  Reg wiped the tear from his face with the back of his hand, jaw squared, eyes turning to ice. There would be no more crying, Quentin knew that much. He’d mentioned the elephant in the room about twenty minutes too early.

  “That isn’t what I—”

  “Have you ever wondered about Kate? Tell me, sir. Have you ever felt bad about ruining her life?”

  “You are nothing but a sleazy, fake-news journalist.”

  “Do you know what it’s like for a child to grow up, completely ignored by her own father?”

  “I will not be ambushed.”

  “Did you ever think about how that might affect her as a person, as a mother? Did you ever think about how it might make her treat her own son?”

  “You said this was going to be about the Cooper and LeRoy murders,” Reg said. “That’s the only reason why I agreed to talk to you. You want to make this into some . . . some kind of family thing.”

  “The Cooper and LeRoy murders are a family thing.”

  Reg glared at the open laptop on the coffee table, the cardioid mic plugged into it, capturing every last word. “Turn that off,” he said.

  “Kate was a victim. She not only lost her sister and her mother. She lost her father too. You. You were never there for your daughter, and it ruined her. Jesus, you blame April Cooper for just standing there while horrible things happened in front of her. What did you do during my mother’s entire life? You just fucking stood there.”