by C. A. Saari
No deets. Not even sure y he talked 2 me. Must b off his meds.
I received a frowny face a second later. I smiled to myself and stowed the phone. Jake did not have this class with me. Sad, what was I going to do without my new best friend? I grinned to myself again and looked out the window next to me for the next fifty minutes.
Kendra did not find me at lunch, which did not hurt my feelings, she usually split her time between me and her hordes of pretty purple people eaters. I’d laugh at myself, but it was a joke I’d been telling in my own head for too long for it to be all that funny anymore. I sat across the school at the park, under a tree, and read a book. When it got too cold and the snow started to fall I usually sat at my locker. Under normal circumstances, both actions were prohibited by the school, students were restricted to the actual lunch room or the commons just beyond it. Leaving the premises was against the rules, but the staff that patrolled during the lunch hour left me alone, even when Kendra did join me.
They probably felt sorry for me.
Kendra did text me though.
Jake has been searching the Lroom. Looking 4U?
I didn’t see the humor, but she did, so I played along.
Unlikely. He’s prolly just wondering where his contact lenses r.
My phone chirped moments later, I swear Kendra was the world’s fastest texter.
How many times do I have 2 say it? Stop talking about urself that way! U r gorge! Come over after skool?
I smiled. How she could call me gorge without following it up with LMAO was beyond me. But it was sweet of her.
Choir practice. I texted.
I can’t believe u just lied 2 me! I’m crushed.
I frowned and text her a ?.
She wasted no time.
I saw the choir schedule. It doesn’t start till Wed. Liar liar pants on fire.
I sighed. Now I felt bad. I shouldn’t lie to the one person who was actually nice to me, but hanging out at her house after school just reminded me of everything I didn’t have. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I lied again –I’d clear it up with her later.
Sorry. Didn’t mean 2 lie, hadn’t seen the schedule myself. Sure I’ll come over.
She sent a YAY in all caps and that was the end of our conversation.
I had calculus after lunch. Unfortunately so did Jake, and since there were all of five other people in the class, the seat next to me in the back was free and clear. Even more unfortunately there were no windows in this particular class, so I couldn’t ignore him by staring out one.
“You don’t say much. Did I offend you in some way?” He asked after his failed attempt to engage me in conversation –while the teacher droned on, ignoring us as much as we ignored him.
I finally looked at him –through my curtain of course.
“No, you haven’t offended me. I just don’t know why you’re talking to me.”
He frowned. Oh lord, he was so good looking, it actually sent a painful ping through my chest.
“Why wouldn’t I talk to you?”
I may have laughed out loud –quick and harsh, I had to admit, it came out pretty condescending- and his frown deepened.
“You haven’t said one single word to me since you started school here. So why now? Am I your project this year? Is this some kind of joke? Or a bet? Or a setup?”
“That’s a lot of questions in one sentence.” He finally said, amusement mixed with that frown of his. “And I guess the answer to most of them is no. The answer to the first is, I don’t know. You’re a hard person to talk to, you’re pretty good at keeping to yourself.”
“Obviously not good enough, you’re still talking to me.” I muttered.
He sighed –hey, that was my thing!
“Am I really bothering you that much?” He asked, trying to peek at my face around my hair curtain. I turned my head to focus on the front of the room again. It was quite obvious the other five students were trying to listen in on our hushed conversation, even though they were trying to make it look like they weren’t. In effect, it was too obvious.
“No.” I finally admitted. I saw his smile flash from the corner of my eye. He reached out for my hair and I flinched back like I’d just been smacked across the face. I couldn’t help it, it was a reflex; when I saw hands coming at me I flinched, because they usually meant I was getting smacked across the face. Jake in turn pulled his hands back and held them up in defense.
“Sorry. Sorry. No touching, got it.” He said very quietly and very gently.
How embarrassing. I could feel my blush burning my ears.
“What the hell?” I hissed. I glanced at the other students, they were now watching us openly.
“Sorry, I was just going to move your hair so I could see you while we talked.”
“What the hell for?” Two cuss words in a matter of seconds. That was a record for me. Even if it was the same word, just used twice.
“I don’t know.” He sounded apologetic. “I guess I like to see a person’s face while we talk.”
“Well stop talking to me then!” I glanced at him and saw him frown and pivot in his desk to face forward. He glanced over at me at the same moment my hair had parted enough for a clear view of my eyes, and the look in his…had me holding my breath. He didn’t look confused, or upset at the fact that someone was rejecting him. He didn’t look annoyed, or like he had decided I was indeed the freak that everyone said I was.
He looked like he understood.
Like he saw me for exactly what was in front of him. And if I admitted what that was, then it would be a scarred, and scared girl, with serious trust issues and enough baggage to send a person on a ten year vacation.
And he didn’t look put off by it at all.
Nor did I see an ounce of pity.
I could have possibly fallen in love at that very second. If that were something I would do…which it wasn’t, so I didn’t; but I could have.
Even Kendra couldn’t look at me that way. She was good at hiding it –bless her- but the half a dozen or so times I’d come to school with a bruise on my face, she’d looked at me with pity. And I hated it.
I was caught up by the look, mesmerized by it. I couldn’t look away from him and he couldn’t seem to look away from me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, or why it was happening. The breath I was holding whistled out and his gaze shifted from my eyes to my lips.
Oh wow. I sucked my lips in and quickly looked away.
What was that?
Jake didn’t say another word, but I could feel him watching me from time to time. It sent a tingling feeling through my arms and into my stomach.
What was his deal?
Class couldn’t have ended soon enough, and when the bell rang, I sprinted for the door, rather than waiting for the rest of the class to exit first. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. I only looked over my shoulder for a second when I reached the door; Jake was looking after me, but he wasn’t following.
Thank God.
My last class of the day was Art. And it was the only one I had with Kendra, and I was thrilled. Art was a free for all; the tables were big and communal, there was no seating chart, and all supplies were shared. I wouldn’t have done a lick of art all year long if Kendra hadn’t been in the class with me, no one else would have ever shared supplies with me. Kendra plopped in the seat next to me and I could tell by the look in her eye that she was close to foaming at the mouth for information.
“So dish my heavenly homie. What the hell happened between you and Jake in calculus?”
“What?” I had to stop being surprised that things got around so fast, it’s not like that was a new development.
“I heard when he tried to talk to you again, you slapped him.”
“What?” I said again, but this time more loudly and very indignantly.
“I know that’s not true.” She explained, unembarrassed by my outburst. Unlike me, Kendra loved attention. “That’s why I am asking you what h
appened?”
“Nothing. He tried to talk to me again, I blew him off.”
“Stupid girl says what?” She said under her breath. I rolled my eyes, like I was going to fall for that. “Come on Remi.” She said, turning her attention just momentarily to say hello to whoever had claimed the seat on the other side of her; she turned her attention back to me after just a moment. “Why would you blow off Jake Wagner?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I in turn gave Kendra my undivided attention, no one interrupted me to say hello. “He’s never spoken one word to me in the year he’s been at this school, and I’m not supposed to be suspicious that he’s talking now?”
Kendra thought on that a moment.
“You can be suspicious, sure, but do you think you can be suspicious while you actually have a conversation with him? Blowing him off isn’t going to get you any answers now, is it?”
“I don’t need answers.” I picked at dried paint on the table.
“Let me rephrase; blowing him off isn’t going to get me any answers now, is it?”
I looked back to her with a wry smile, and we both chuckled.
“Oh come on Remi.” She said again. “Why not just let it roll out? Talk to him. Make friends. It’s your last year of school. If it turns out he’s just being a total douche, then you leave here in nine months and you never have to see him again for the rest of your life, but, if it turns out that he’s just as fabulous a person as I am, then you have another wonderful friendship for the rest of your life.”
I shook my head, begrudgingly I might add. “How come you make so much sense?”
“I’m a smarty pants. Did you forget?”
“How could I? You only remind me every two minutes.”
“Because you forget. So, new leaf tomorrow? We put on our big girl panties and have a full on, real life conversation with Jake Wagner?”
“How about we take it slow and we put on a pair of pull ups?”
“No. Go big or go home.”
“Go home?” I hoped.
“Remi.” Kendra’s tone was warning.
“I just…” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say with so many people eavesdropping right now. “I still feel weird about this.”
“Seriously? Adult conversation makes you feel weird?” She asked, a bit of annoyance colored her tone. I frowned at it.
“Yes. Have you met me? Do we go to the same school? With the same people?”
“Alright. I get it.” She looked around the room at the stares. She smiled at them, where I would have ducked my head and most likely blushed. Wait. I did just that, as a matter of fact. “Remi.” She said, trying to claim my attention, she knew better than to reach out and touch me. “Listen to me.” She waited until I looked back up at her. “Simple hello. I’m good, how are you? I’m glad you’re well. Okay? Think you can handle that?”
I sighed –yes, I was taking the sigh back!
“Fine.”
“Thank you. Still on after school?”
“Of course.”
Saying no to Kendra was impossible.
2
I set my backpack on the floor just inside Kendra’s bedroom door and glanced around. I hadn’t seen Kendra all summer, she and her family had traveled to the UK to visit and explore her family’s heritage. And maybe because of that, her room hadn’t changed since I’d seen it three months ago. It was a big room in a big four bedroom house. She’d painted it a light pink with various sized polka dots in other various shades of pink. Her furniture was white, posters of hot men and blown up pictures from family summer vacations filled her walls. Pictures of her with her endless friends were jammed into the frame around her vanity mirror. The only one she had of me and herself was framed. It sent a feeling of affection through me. It was actually a pretty good picture; taken at the park by the school just before she left for her trip. There had been no one else around so it had been an unguarded moment for me. She’d pushed her swing closer to mine, shoved her face next to mine and had shouted “SELFIE!” before lifting her phone and snapping the picture. I had had to look up, so my hair wasn’t in my face in that moment. I had even smiled a little.
“So.” She said turning to face me, her back to the door like she was guarding it. I frowned, why did I have a bad feeling about what she was going to say next? “Don’t get mad.”
Oh crap.
“At what?” I asked, already feeling defensive.
“I wanted you to come over for a reason.” She said.
“You mean it wasn’t my stellar company or my endless girl talk?”
“You, girl talk? Ha!”
I looked at her sardonically –yeah, I was good at giving the “looks”.
“What’s going on Kendra?”
“Okay, so. While in the UK I did a little shopping. Oh, alright, I replaced most of my wardrobe.” She watched my expression, when it remained bland she continued. “I mean, I know you’re a couple inches taller than I am, and I can’t actually tell your weight because of the clothes you currently wear…” Her voice trailed off as my face became obviously aware of what was about to happen here. My eyes started to narrow and Kendra could see me preparing for battle, so she took a step forward and held her hands out in a placating gesture. “I said don’t get mad.”
“Kendra.” I said through my teeth. “Why do you insist on trying to do this?”
“Why do you keep fighting it?”
“No one wants to see me in a tank top.” I said, feelings hurt despite the callous I’d built up over the years. I sat on her bed and looked at my hands in my lap.
Kendra came to me and knelt on the floor in front of me. She ever so slowly raised her hands and laid them over mine. Even though I saw it coming, and knew exactly what she was doing, I couldn’t help but to tense for just a second. She waited it out.
“Who the hell convinced you that you’re ugly? I want to meet them so I can smash their face in with a really lovely pair of Prada’s.” She said gently. “Your dad? Because you know better than most that he’s just a drunk asshole whose opinion matters about as much literal shit.”
“I don’t want to talk about him.” I said through gritted teeth.
“You never want to talk about anything. Fine!” She said quickly when she saw that I was about to insist on leaving. “Fine. Okay. Can we compromise?”
“On what?”
“Can you just humor me for an hour? One hour. You do not have to leave the house in any of my clothes, but while we are behind the safety of the closed door of my room, can we just be two girls trying on clothes?”
I sighed –again, my thing- those puppy dog eyes could talk anyone into just about anything.
“I don’t have to step past those doors in your clothes?” I asked, supremely skeptical, I was pretty sure that if I agreed to this, she would never stop. But how could I say no when she just simply wanted to do what she enjoyed. She put up with me all the time, didn’t I kind of owe her?
“Promise.” Kendra answered, the hope in her eyes was heartbreaking.
“Fine. I’ll give you one hour.”
She jumped up with a squeal of delight.
“Oh Remi! You are not going to regret this! It’s going to be so fun, and maybe I can convince you that you are a stone cold fox!”
“Let’s not get carried away.” I said wryly, but she was already pulling big Rubbermaid bins from the back of her closet.
“Okay, let’s start with tops. I think we can probably find some things that will fit you. Off with that disgusting t-shirt.”
Wait. “What?”
“Off. Take it off.” Now she raised her eyebrows at me, pulling off a pretty stellar wry look herself. “What? Did you think you were trying on shirts over that one?”
“No. But…” I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to happen. I had no idea how this was supposed to go. My mother had always gotten my clothes at second hand stores and I just put them on the next day. If they didn’t fit properly, I made it work.
“
Off Remi. Now.”
I pursed my lips around my argument and stood. Fine. If this was the way it was going to be, then I’d get through it and this would be the last time I ever agreed to anything with Kendra until all the details were discussed beforehand. I pulled my t-shirt over my head and glared at her, ignoring how over exposed I felt. Her eyes widened to a size where I actually became worried they’d pop right out of her head.
“What?” I asked, starting to worry. Oh God, why was she staring like that? I looked down at myself, did I forget bruises? I’d managed to stay out of dad’s way for the past week –I so did not want to risk the chance of starting the first day of school with a black eye- I saw nothing that should shock her. Sure, my sports bra wasn’t all that attractive, but it wasn’t horrid either. It was just a simple black bra. “What, Kendra?” I asked again.
“Holy body batman!” Kendra finally spoke, her voice slightly high and very excited. “You have been holding out!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Look at you!” She reached out –completely ignoring my flinch- and steered me to the big full length mirror in front of her closet. She took a step back and motioned to me with both hands. “You have a smoking’ body Remi!”
I frowned at her and looked in the mirror. I knew I wasn’t a fat girl, I wasn’t delusional about what passed as a hot body these days. My belly was flat and I had a nice slender waist. But then walking and running to every place you had to go and never having the opportunity to over eat for seventeen years could make a person pretty dang fit.
“Remi, the clothes you wear…they kinda make you look fat. I mean, seriously, all this time I’ve thought you were, like, thirty pounds heavier than you are!”
I frowned, my gaze going from her back to my reflection. I seriously hadn’t realized.
“What’s with that sports bra though? The way it’s pinching your ribs, I’d say it too small for you.”
Now I blushed. Blushed and gulped.
“What?” Kendra asked.
“I…” How in the world did I explain that that was on purpose? I had breasts. I knew I did, but I had been trying to hide them for a couple years now because that was all I needed; to be known as the chesty freak. Yeah, that sounded like great fun. I looked back to Kendra, she waited expectantly. When I didn’t continue she let out a frustrated growly sound.