by C. A. Saari
“Remi.” Her voice sounded like an accusatory parent…at least, it sounded a bit like my mom sounded when she used to get frustrated with me. “What size bra do you wear? I mean, not that I have any that will fit you.” I shrugged and she rolled her eyes. “I’ll guess.” She muttered and disappeared into her closet.
“I unfortunately have been punished for something I did in my former life with A cups. But it’s alright, my awesomeness makes up for it. Although…” She came out of the closet with another tote and fumbled around in it until she came up with some lacey pink thing. Looking entirely too triumphant. “I have this hot little number that I was so desperately hoping to fit into some day. Clearly that’s not happening, but if I cut the padding out of it, it may fit you.”
“Kendra,” I know my voice had a bit of a whine to it. “This is too much.”
“No, it’s long overdue. Hand me those scissors.”
For the life of me I will never understand why I actually reached out for the scissors on her vanity, and then handed them to her. But I did. And it sealed my fate. I stood half naked while she went to work. I couldn’t help but to glance at myself in her mirror again. Did I really look that good?
“Done. I can sew it up later.” She said pulling the padding out and tossing the bra to me. “But for now, try it on.”
I looked at her incredulously. My mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out.
“Oh!” She giggled a little. “Sorry.” Then she turned her back to me. “Okay, try it on.”
I looked at the pink thing in my hands and couldn’t form words.
“Ready?” Kendra asked.
“No!” I nearly shouted. “No. don’t turn yet.” With shaky hands I pulled my sports bra over my head and quickly covered the goods with the girliest item of clothing I’d ever seen, and lordy, I actually liked it. I glanced at myself in the mirror and it did indeed fit, it actually looked good. It covered every bit that should be covered, but left two really attractive swells at the top. And the silk lining under the lace…heaven.
“Oh, wow. Girl, I’m so patting myself on the back right now.” Kendra said with a proud mama smile. “Here.” She pulled the first shirt she grabbed out of the nearest tote, now that she knew pretty much every shirt she owned would fit me. I may have had a couple inches on her in height, but as small as she was, apparently my waist was even narrower, which, of course, she couldn’t stop complaining about.
I quickly pulled it over my head, not because I was excited, but because I was getting a little tired of feeling so exposed.
“I officially hate you now.” Kendra said with a sigh.
“What?” I spun and looked in the mirror. I couldn’t even believe what I saw. The shirt she had given me was blue, a couple shades darker than my eyes. Sleeveless, with one of those droopy necks the hung low enough to show off just a bit of cleavage. It was fitted, hugging every single curve I had –or didn’t have- perfectly. I couldn’t stop staring.
“Here. I will not have a pair of jeans that will be long enough for you, but Capri’s need no height requirements.” She then handed me a pair of black jean Capri’s that looked like the bottom of a pair of jeans had been folded up. I looked to her again, she rolled her eyes.
“Nope. Not turning. I need to know that you’re not sportin’ granny panties under there.”
“Kendra-“
“Non-negotiable.” She insisted.
“What are you going to do about it if I am?” I whined –again. I was getting pretty good at this whining thing.
Kendra smiled and pulled a plastic store hanger off the door inside her closet. There were only what I could assume was dental floss hanging from it. She looked to me, then shook her head. “No, too soon.” So she put them back –to my unexplainable relief- and pulled a different hanger. “French cut. Perfect. Full coverage, yet in a very sexy way.” She tossed the hanger to me. “Brand new, so…don’t be shy.”
I looked at her through slightly narrowed eyes.
“Fine. Now can you turn around?”
With an excited giggle she turned and I quickly pulled off my boy jeans and (definitely granny) panties and pulled on the clothing she had given me. Kendra had turned before I even had the jeans buttoned.
“Hell, Remi! Why are you hiding all this hotness? Really, this is just ridiculous.”
This was not said in kindness, there was some serious annoyance in her tone.
“Are you mad?”
“Yes.” Kendra said circling me, critiquing every inch of me. “All this time, you’ve been walking around letting people call you names and you’ve been hiding this away. Do you have any idea the heartache you could have saved yourself? And caused others, for that matter?”
She looked at me expectantly, when she saw my slight frown, her own scowl softened.
“God, you really don’t have any idea, do you? Geez girlfriend, someone has really done a bang up job mind screwing you, haven’t they?” She said softly. “Come over here.” She pointed to the chair in front of her vanity. I went and sat. I no longer seemed to be in control of myself. My mind was confused, my heart hurt a little and I curiously felt like crying. What was she doing to me? I was perfectly fine with how things were going just less than half an hour ago, my life was at least familiar, even if it wasn’t a happy one. And now I felt like everything was wrong.
Kendra stood behind me and pulled my long black hair back from my face, she then pulled a pink scarf from the vanity frame and tied it around my head like a headband. Holding my hair back. She stared at me for a time, I in turn stared at her in the glass, not quite ready to see myself the way she saw me. She then knelt down beside me and spoke softly.
“Am I ugly to you?” She asked. My eyes widened.
“No!” Surprise. “Did someone call you ugly?” That angered me. Kendra was beautiful. Everyone knew that.
“No. No one called me ugly. But clearly you don’t think I am either, which means you have some sense of what beauty is. Correct?”
I frowned at her. “Yeah.” I said, but it came out sounding like more of a question.
“Okay. Now look in the mirror.” I did and she shook her head at me. “Not at me dummy, look at yourself.” After a couple seconds, I took a deep breath and turned my attention to myself. Kendra stuck her face next to mine. “Really look.”
I did. My cheeks were hollow, the cheekbones a bit too sharp I thought, and there was a small scar over the top of one cheekbone where my father’s ring had broken the skin last year. I’d always been pleased that no matter how many times dad struck out at me, he never once managed to hit my nose, it remained small, and straight. My eyebrows were in need of plucking –or maybe these particular squirrels required waxing- but the blue eyes below them never failed to surprise even me. Maybe because my mom commented on them just about every day, they remained my favorite feature. I swallowed back a lump in my throat.
“You are gorgeous.” Kendra said. “Did you think I was just blowing smoke up your butt every time I told you that?”
Honestly? Yes.
“Well, I wasn’t.” She said as if she could read my mind. “I will admit this, but only because I have such a high self-esteem and am totally in love with myself, so I have no issues saying it. Remi Dexter, I think you are even hotter than me. So how do you like that for mind screwing?” She stood now and crossed her arms over her chest.
I wasn’t sure what to say and I found it hard to look at myself in the mirror; like I made myself shy.
“Shoes!” She said, breaking the heavy moment. I jumped in my seat at the sudden outburst and my eyes immediately went to my old hand me down Converse I’d discarded near the bed. Once white, they were now an ugly brownish gray, a hole nearly worn through near the big toe of one.
“EW, no.” She said when she noticed where I was headed. “What size do you wear?”
“Seven.” I answered, finally confident about something about myself.
“Hmm. I’m a six. But I think my mom might
have something.”
“No.” I stood now as well. Mom shoes? Really? A; I wasn’t about to take her mother’s shoes, and B; mom shoes? Really? “Kendra, this is going too far.”
“Shush.” She said, disappearing out her door. She came back a few minutes later. Carrying a pair of black flats that sparkled as if dusted with glitter. “Perfect.” She smiled and handed them to me. “They’ll have just the perfect amount of toe cleavage. Which will do until we can get you a pedicure and some sandals.”
“They’re your moms.” I said, but they were far from mom shoes.
“Mom won’t mind.” Kendra crossed her arms over her chest again. “Don’t look at me like that, you know she won’t. Put them on.”
I gave my head a little exasperated shake, and put them on. “What’s next? Make up?” My voice was not at all friendly.
“No. You don’t need it. Natural beauty like yours is rare. Don’t cover it up until you start to get crow’s feet? K? Promise me?”
I looked at her again, ready to laugh, but realized she might actually be serious. Kendra caught my look and rolled her eyes.
“Really? You are still doubting me? Look.” She pointed to her full length again. Leaned against the door frame while I did so, looking all smug like.
She was right, I did look nice.
“See.” Kendra said with satisfaction.
The girl looking back at me looked as if she belonged at the lunch table with Kendra, not across the street, under a tree. Alone.
I was officially overwhelmed.
“Okay.” Kendra said, she jumped on her bed, bounced a few times before settling. “Let’s be girls for a while.” She patted the bed beside her. “Come on, paint my right hand. I can never get it quite right ‘cause I suck with my left hand.” She handed me a bottle of hot pink polish when I approached. “And you can tell me what you plan on saying to Jake tomorrow; after he picks his tongue up off the floor when he sees you in actual girl clothes.”
“No!” I jumped from the bed and dropped the bottle of polish. “No Kendra. It was one thing to do this here, just between you and me, but I can’t go to school like this.”
“Why not?” Kendra had the nerve to look unconcerned, like she knew she’d win this argument. But I wasn’t budging either. So, hello Kendra, meet the brick wall you are now talking to.
“I can’t. This…what will everyone say? I’m she-man remember?” A thought occurred to me. “They’ll say I had a sex change operation. And think about that before you poo poo it; if I was able to come up with that little gem, can you imagine the crap they’ll all say?”
“They won’t say anything. They won’t be able to. They’ll have to answer to me.”
“Oh really? Because that’s done an excellent job of stopping them these past three years, hasn’t it?”
She had the nerve to look slightly hurt, though for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.
“Besides.” I said, more affected by that look than I was going to admit. “You promised me I didn’t have to leave your house like this.”
I couldn’t anyway. If I went home looking like this dad would assume I had money and would toss my room again. He already did so at least once a week, looking for any change at all. What little money I did manage to earn I had to hide in the woods behind the trailer, otherwise we’d never eat, or have electricity., and –God forbid- I wouldn’t be able to pay my cell bill. Which I had to hide under a seat cushion on our tiny rusted wrought iron porch every night, or he’d pawn it if he found it. He’d already pawned anything I had of value anyway. The only thing he wouldn’t pawn was the stupid TV, and that was just because he needed something to do during the day, while he wasn’t passed out anyway.
Kendra smiled brightly.
“And I will keep my promise. You don’t have to leave here in those clothes. But, I am picking you up before school tomorrow and you can change in my car.”
I groaned.
“I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to this.” When I looked at her again, she appeared no closer to leaving it alone. “Can…can we at least take baby steps?”
“This is baby steps love.” Kendra said. “You have no idea how much hotter the clothes in those boxes get.”
I groaned again. “No, I meant, maybe start with the jeans; then next month maybe the shirt. After that, maybe in April sometime we’ll pull the hair back. Actual baby steps.”
Now Kendra laughed.
“Remi, you are so funny.”
I was pretty sure I hadn’t been kidding.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?” Kendra asked, reaching over the side of bed for the polish I’d dropped. I knew then that I had lost this argument, I had let a beast loose and there’d be no caging her again.
I would just have to keep reminding myself that this was my own fault. I opened that cage door, and then I let the beast eat the key.
“Depends.” I said sitting on the edge of her bed and snatching the polish from her. “What are you eating?”
I crawled in my bedroom window early that night. It was past nine, so I knew dad would be passed out. If I woke him by coming in the front door, there would be hell to pay. If he realized I hadn’t come home to make him dinner there’d probably be hell to pay anyway, eventually. Sometimes he would remember, sometimes he wouldn’t. I changed into my PJ’s without turning on the light and crawled into bed. Sleeping would be impossible, I was so nervous for tomorrow I could barely wrap my brain around the feeling. It was too intense.
So I didn’t sleep at all and very early the next morning I got up while it was still nearly dark, dressed in the only other pair of jeans I owned, and an equally ugly blue t-shirt not much different than the gray one I’d worn yesterday and snuck off into the woods. I’d wait there until school started, and avoid Kendra. I stood against an aging tree halfway between my house and the school and munched on a banana. Twigs snapped around me. Whenever I glanced in the direction of the sound I thought I caught the tail end of what could only be a large shadow. I swallowed past a twitter of fear that crawled up my throat. When did these woods get so scary?
I decided to wait closer to the school and hiked –okay, honestly, I ran- to the edge of the woods. When I burst through the other side I looked back over my shoulder and I could have sworn, would have sworn if anyone ever asked, that there were several sets of red eyes staring back at me. I rubbed at my eyes and looked again. Nothing. I took a deep calming breath. The woods while dark, sucked. I’ll remind myself tomorrow to not do this again. I turned my thoughts back to Kendra as I walked –a little quicker than usual- down the hill and crossed the street to wait out the rest of the morning on the school steps. I couldn’t do what she asked. I just couldn’t do it. It was too much and I wasn’t ready. I needed time to prepare myself, get psyched up. I’d just explain that to her when she unloaded on me.
But she never unloaded on me.
I didn’t see her at her locker that morning and when I text her, she didn’t reply. Was she sick today?
To make things worse, Jake sat next to me in English again. And dang it if my heart didn’t do a slow tumble.
“Hi.” He said, as if we hadn’t had a less than pleasant interlude at our last meeting yesterday.
“Hi.” I mumbled, not looking his way.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.” He said. He was looking at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Besides, part of me was distracted, wondering where Kendra was. I was expecting a full on hissy fit by now.
“Don’t sweat it.” I mumbled. “I didn’t give it a second thought.” I did glance at him now, he seemed affected by that statement, and he was frowning at the floor. Good. Maybe he’d leave me alone. But why did that teeny little part of me at the back of my head not want him to? That I was a little scared if I pushed him away too hard, he would actually in fact, go away?
I think I must be the unluckiest –or maybe the luckiest?- person in the world.
He did not leave me alone.
“So, I get the feeling you don’t like me.” He finally said, looking up from the floor and catching my eye just for a moment before I turned my attention back to the book in front of me.
“I don’t like anyone. I haven’t exactly met the nicest people here.”
Jake looked around the classroom. I expected him to say something like “Oh, come on. They’re not that bad.” But he didn’t. What he did say surprised me, and it was very hard to surprise me. Kendra seemed to be the only one capable.
“They’re blind.” He murmured.
“What?” Now I looked at him. Full on. Forgot to be small and unnoticeable for a moment. He took advantaged and seemed to take in my entire face.
“They’re blind.” He repeated, settling on my eyes. “They see only what they think they’re supposed to see. Say only what they think they’re supposed to say. They’re afraid of being kicked out of the club.” His voice trailed off, as if he’d realized he said too much.
I was stunned into silence for a moment. Was he just saying what he thought I wanted to hear? But why would he do that? No, I didn’t know what he was up to, but he wasn’t breaking down any walls today.
“A club that you are president of.” I whispered and turned away from him again.
I didn’t look back in his direction, but I could feel his frown.
“So, you don’t like me because other people do? Wow. You are the president of your own kind of club, aren’t you?”
My head whipped in his direction again, anger I’m sure, spewed from my eyes, but he didn’t flinch away. Damn, I really wish he had, it would have been so satisfying.
“How dare you!” I hissed. “How dare you say something so…” Go ahead, swear. “Disgusting?” I spat. Crap, still couldn’t swear. I could yesterday, what happened? Maybe hell didn’t count. “You don’t know a single thing about me, and you certainly don’t know what I’ve been through. You have never made an effort to ever speak to me, and now that you are, I’m not supposed to be suspicious of that?” He looked slightly surprised. “Maybe you should go find a different seat to sit in.” I suggested unkindly.