I was terrified of hearing the apology in his voice. Like he was going to play it off. Again.
“Please don’t,” I said and rolled over to sink into his warmth, my head in his neck. “Can you just hold me?”
His fingers against my chin, he tenderly kissed me, our lips and tongues sampling until we were so spent, we fell asleep with our foreheads resting together.
12
Dylan
The following morning, Billie was tucked inside my arms and his heat was lulling me back to sleep. What happened between us last night felt distinctive from the other times. Like maybe Billie craved that intimacy with me and was struggling with his feelings about it.
I could see it in his eyes—the affection and the longing. And fuck, kissing him was like nothing I’d ever experienced. Uninhibited and profound at the same time. Like he had reached down into the deepest part of me and left a piece of himself there for safe-keeping.
I heard the murmur of voices out in the hall, which meant that the Montgomerys were rising to work the preserve on a Monday morning. I needed to get up as well, but it felt too good to be holding him, and if I moved even an inch, the spell might be broken. Reality might slap us in the face.
Nobody would bat an eye about our sleepover. It wasn’t like I hadn’t crashed here in the past. But this time felt different—almost clandestine. Especially after Billie’s lips had been all over my body and remnants of my come were still in his mouth.
“What a pleasant surprise.” Grammy’s voice could be heard from the kitchen. Showy and pitched, as if she were speaking loudly enough to rouse us awake. Or maybe just Billie.
Billie grew completely rigid in my arms—which meant he hadn’t been asleep. Hopefully he hadn’t lain awake for hours tormented by his decisions. Except he never broke free of my hold on him and he could’ve easily turned away from me.
“Sit and enjoy a fresh muffin, Leo,” Grammy said, her voice carrying. “I’ll see if Billie’s awake.”
Billie jackknifed to a sitting position, nearly giving me a bloody nose. “Leo’s here. Why is Leo here?”
He rolled out of the sheets and stood up on unsteady legs. Realizing he was completely naked a blush rose from his chest to his neck to his cheeks. He stared down at me as if in awe. But then other emotions flitted across his face. Confusion and dread and excitement all rolled into one.
And even though my heart was cracking open, I understood it. This was Leo, his first love. The guy he’d been pining over for years. No matter what had happened between us, it wasn’t something that was planned or could be figured out immediately.
Besides, we were only making each other feel good, right?
“Get going. Your boy is here to see you,” I was able to muster out around the colossal boulder in my throat.
Billie stared at me for the longest moment, as he bit his lip and something like anger and sorrow flitted through his gaze. The same emotions I was feeling.
Finally, he nodded and began pulling on a T-shirt and shorts from his dresser drawer.
“I’ll wait a few minutes,” I said in a hollow voice. “So it looks like I slept in the guest room.”
Billie ruffled his fingers through his hair—the same fingers that had been wrapped around my shaft just hours before—took a deep breath and reached for the knob. I was already sitting up and getting myself together, when he looked at me one last time and went out the door.
As I made my way to the bathroom down the hallway to take a leak and then head out on the road, I overheard part of their conversation from the kitchen entryway.
“A co-worker covered my shift for a couple of days, so I could come home.” Billie had mentioned that Leo worked part time at a veterinarian’s office. His life was perfectly scripted in a way that mine was not. “Sorry I missed the luncheon, but I couldn’t get a flight out until last night.”
“You probably deserve a break from all of those studies,” Grammy said as my stride slowed. “You graduate in a couple of months?”
“That’s right,” he said. “Then I’m going to take a summer break at home before graduate school begins in the fall.”
Billie had remained silent throughout that exchange and I wondered why. Was he still as shell-shocked as I was?
After I washed my face and finger-combed my hair, I unsteadily made my way to the kitchen, wishing I could escape any other way. As soon as I laid eyes on Leo I knew I could never measure up.
Whereas Leo was handsome and polished and accomplished, I was a high school graduate who danced in a club and helped my friend run his bakery. Even my best clothes from yesterday were wrinkled and purchased from a thrift store.
It made me want to escape this kitchen, this town, this life. Maybe I’d take Sebastian up on his offer and go to the city, maybe even search for some sort of job. I considered the exorbitant rent and the fact that I still needed food, shelter, and a livelihood and my shoulders slumped. Besides, I didn’t even have a degree to stand on.
“Dylan, honey,” Grammy said, spotting me and motioning me forward. “Glad you decided to stay in the spare room. I don’t like you on the road so late.” When my gaze met hers, there was a twinkle in her eye. She knew the other room was occupied. “Join us for some breakfast.”
“You remember Dylan, right?” Billie said suddenly from his seat across the table. As if he’d just remembered his manners. He could barely hold eye contact with me.
“Of course,” Leo replied and then reached out his hand for a shake. As our palms connected I couldn’t purge the vision of my fingers tracing all over Billie’s body.
I had pushed my way inside of him and made him come all over his sheets. Me. The country hick.
“Nice to see you. But I’ve got to take off. Cleaning out Mr. Brown’s garage today,” I mumbled just to have something to say. It was partially true. I did tell him I would help one of the next couple of weekends.
Bullseye was parked beside Billie’s chair no doubt hoping for a table scrap and I bent down to pet him. “Hope you’re feeling better today, buddy.”
Leo asked Billie about Bullseye’s hips and when the last time was that he’d been seen by his father, at the vet’s office. He sounded so official, like he didn’t still have years to go until he earned his license and I could taste the bitterness deep in my throat.
“Okay, see you later,” I mumbled and pushed open the screen door like I was escaping from a house on fire.
“Dylan,” I heard Billie call after me, but I was already down the steps. Nothing he said to me would make this scenario less awkward. When I slid in my front seat and looked back at the porch, Billie and Grammy were standing in unison at the screen door. Both had regret in their eyes so I mustered up a grin and a wave and got the hell out of there.
* * *
All Monday I kept myself busy with errands and Mr. Brown’s garage and ignored Billie’s texts.
I fished out the information Aaron had given me at STUDS about auditioning for the upcoming production. I looked up the theatre online, and then drove an hour to the yellow brick building outside of Gainesville to fill out an application. Why I hadn’t thought to do something like this myself a couple of years ago was beyond me.
I guess once I added up how pricey more college courses would be and how small the dance market was in the Roscoe area, I gave up. Besides, I had bills to pay to keep myself afloat. It had only been four years ago that I was living on the street and trying to make it through high school graduation. I needed to cut myself some slack.
I was told by the person at the front desk that I had just made the deadline and to return next Friday to audition in front of the judges. I felt good, accomplished, like I was doing something for me, even if I never made the production.
Aaron had thrown me a lifeline of sorts and I had grabbed hold of it with two hands. Had I never taken the job at STUDS, I would never have met him and sometimes baby steps were all you needed. So go put that in your pipe and smoke it, Billie.
But the truth was,
at one time, Billie had also given me a lifeline. Had I never spoken to him at lunch that one period our junior year to ask about his dog, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
People come into your life for a reason, isn’t that how the saying goes? And maybe all Billie and I would ever represent to each other is a period in our lives when we needed somebody to lean on and help through some tough circumstances. And probably it was time for both of us to move on. To make a clean break. Maybe we were using each other as crutches instead of standing on our own two feet.
But for now all I could do was take one day at a time.
When I showed up at Sweets on Tuesday for my regular workweek, Billie acted a bit miffed. “Way to respond to my texts.”
“Sorry, I was busy—with Aaron,” I said, for no good reason. “Remember, he helped me get that audition?”
I turned away from his probing eyes to start on the coffee machine as Billie’s face turned beet red. But I told myself it was for the best. I needed to let him go so he could freely pursue Leo. I didn’t want him to feel any regret or guilt. Leo was his dream just like dancing was mine.
The door to the café swung open with our first customers, and right behind the men who I recognized from the local lumberyard, was Leo. He walked in with a woman who was probably his mom, given her blonde hair and blue eyes.
“Wow,” he remarked, looking around the space. “This place looks great.”
It was as if he had materialized straight from my thoughts in order to remind me exactly why I was no longer needed.
13
Billie
As I served Leo and his mom my lemon meringue pie and told them about the new home superstore in town, I thought about what Dylan had said. About hanging out with Aaron. Had they finally hooked up? After he had been intimate with me?
What did it matter? I was ten kinds of confused anyway. It was great to see Leo. To spend some time with him yesterday. Our moments over the years had been too few and far between. We even made some definite plans to hang out this summer when he was home for a large chunk of time.
Still, things felt tentative between us, as if we were still feeling each other out. When we finally hugged goodbye after he had spend a good chunk of the morning out on the preserve, it was as if all of our memories from the past had rolled into one giant emotion and we clung to each other—either in nostalgia or despair.
But later that night, I could not get Dylan’s arms out of my head. How I fit so easily inside them. How he knew exactly what I needed—how he always did these past couple of years.
And his lips and tongue. Damn. The way he kissed me with that quiet desperation made me ache all over again inside.
But despite how tenderly he always touched me in our intimate moments, he didn’t want me outside of those times—not in that way. And I didn’t want to lose his friendship. So I had to keep reminding myself of that fact even though his actions and words had totally thrown me. You make me happy.
Besides, I needed to consider how I feel having Leo around this week. When you hoped for something for so long and it materializes right in front of you, it’s quite jarring and…different. Foreign. And I needed to ask myself why.
Had I put him on a pedestal like Dylan had told me I’d done all these years?
* * *
The next couple of days I noticed how preoccupied Dylan was about his audition. He was also on his phone more than usual and I had to wonder if he was talking to Aaron.
He and I seemed to be walking on eggshells around each other and I was at a loss for how to get back to that middle ground between us—where we joked and ribbed and told each other practically everything. But now I was afraid of making a misstep or finding out something I did not want to hear.
Thursday night after we pulled the shades, locked the door and flipped the sign to CLOSED, I helped Dylan place the chairs up on the tables so he could sweep the floor.
“Can you show me?” I asked in a hesitant voice.
“Show you what?” he replied as he reached for the broom. It was the first time he had looked me directly in the eye in several long hours.
“Your routine for the audition.” I handed him the dustpan. “I’d love to see it.”
“What, here?” His gaze darted to the street as if somebody could see us. “I don’t have enough—”
“When has that ever stopped you before?” I replied in a biting tone. I was tired of holding it all in. When my gaze met his in a challenge, he shook his head and laughed. All the tension slid from my shoulders as I grinned back at him. We’d finally broken through and found equal footing.
I leaned against the counter with my hand on Bullseye’s neck, rubbing behind his ears while his tongue lolled in satisfaction. “Please.”
“Okay.” He reached for his phone and searched for the right song.
He used the entire floor to dance to an up-tempo ballad with spins and grooves that I had never seen before. It was completely mesmerizing and I felt a strange twinge in my chest watching him so free and happy. When he was finished I clapped loudly and whistled.
“Holy crap, Dylan. It was gorgeous,” I gushed. “You were gorgeous. That thing you did when you jumped in the air.”
He was breathing heavily but his cheeks began to color from the compliment. “You think?”
“Yes,” I said with enthusiasm. “You were made for the stage.”
“Well, it’s not much of a stage.” He stooped over slightly to catch his breath. “And it’s not like I was trained in any techniques.”
“Hey,” I placed my hand on his shoulder and I felt him stiffen momentarily. “You’ve got to start somewhere. Besides, that routine was pretty impressive for being self-taught. Have you never seen the Step Up movie?”
Hands on his knees he barked out a laugh. “Are you for real right now?”
“Two words. Channing Tatum.” I folded my arms and narrowed my eyes. “You’re full of shit if you say you’ve never fantasized about a hot celebrity.”
“Of course I have. And he’s definitely sexy,” he said straightening his shirt. “But you’ll never live that down. You better be nice to me or Callum is going to get an earful.”
“Fuck you,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “C’mon, when Channing was break dancing in the parking lot all hot and sweaty.” I inched closer to him and his grin sobered as he sucked in a breath. “Just like you’re drenched now. That’s what made me think of it.”
I reached forward and feathered my fingers through the damp hair near his ear. I felt a pang in my chest as our gazes connected for one drawn-out moment.
“Billie,” he whispered. All at once there was a tap on the door. Shit, I had nearly forgotten about the new Marvel movie Leo and I were going to catch tonight. The theatre was in walking distance and I told him to show up around closing time.
I huffed out a breath as I removed my fingers from his skin. Dylan clenched his jaw, turned and headed to the door to let Leo inside.
When Leo stepped into the shop, he appeared to take in the room as his gaze swung between Dylan and me, a puzzled look on his face. “We’re going to see a movie. Want to come?”
Dylan’s gaze fell away as he mumbled, “No thanks. I actually have my own plans…with Aaron.”
My stomach clenched as Dylan reached for his phone and bag before heading out the door. “Have a good night.”
As I watched him leave through the kitchen, all I could think was how very much I missed my friend.
“Give me five minutes,” I said, as I turned off the lights. Bullseye was already tucked away on his pillow near the door. “I thought about dropping him home. He’d be uncomfortable in the theater.”
“Not sure you need to rely on him anymore, Billie,” Leo said in a cautious voice, possibly remembering how important Bullseye was to me and how vital he’d been in the early years of my disorder. “Seems like you’re doing pretty well on your own.”
“I know. He’s just been such a fixture for so long.” But the truth
was, he was more a beloved family pet than a therapy dog anymore. I had outgrown him. My gaze met Leo’s across the space and something niggled in my gut. In a lot of ways he was the same blond haired, blue eyed smart and beautiful boy I had fallen for. But I didn’t have that same yearning for him. Not anymore. Maybe I had outgrown Leo, too.
“I’ll pick you up in a couple of hours, buddy,” I said, bending down and patting Bullseye’s head. “Get some rest.”
Bullseye didn’t even budge as he snored away, content to finally be at rest.
The entire movie I was preoccupied with how graceful Dylan looked gliding across the floor and how disappointed I felt that he had plans with Aaron.
Leo and I shared popcorn and as our arms rested together during the movie, I didn’t feel any sort of spark. In fact, more and more I realized that we didn’t have much in common anymore. Maybe we never really did.
Ours was a young love where we only shared stolen moments in between him jetting off here and there to boarding school, college, or with his family. He’d always been more of an enigma than real to me. And maybe Leo had figured it out sooner than I had. He’d even said as much during our argument a couple years back in the city when he mumbled, “I’m not as perfect as you think I am.” Guess I just wasn’t ready to hear it.
After the movie, Leo walked me to the door of Sweets and waited as I opened it to call for Bullseye.
“Hey, buddy,” I said stepping inside.
Bullseye lay heavy on his pillow, barely stirring. That was odd; he always greeted me without question, normally by hopping up and wagging his tail.
When I got closer, I patted his head and tried again. “Let’s get you home.”
With some effort, he opened his eyes and gingerly sat up only using his front paws for leverage.
When I looked back at Leo his eyes were laser focused on Bullseye’s hind legs. “Try calling for him with a treat.”
My heart jackhammering in my chest, I moved to the glass shelf to reach for a baked dog biscuit. “Want a treat?”
The Sweetest Goodbye (Roadmap to Your Heart, Book 3.5) Page 7