Bullseye’s eyes perked up toward my outstretched hand, but he didn’t move. “C’mon, boy.”
He shifted his front feet forward, his back legs only dragged behind him.
“Stop,” Leo said suddenly. “He can’t move. Either his hips or his spine have given out.”
“What do you mean?” I asked in a panic. “What’s going to happen?”
He already had his phone out. “Help me carry him to the car and I’ll call my dad to meet us at the vet center.”
After he called his father, we worked in unison to slide a towel beneath Bullseye’s body and then carried him to the car. He was panting openly in discomfort and he smelled like urine. Fuck, I had never seen him look so debilitated before.
I kept Bullseye as calm as I could in the back seat, but his sorrowful eyes seemed to be telling me something. He continued closing them every chance he got and I just kept rubbing his head not wanting to think of the consequences.
After we carried him into the vet’s office, Leo’s father thoroughly examined him using Leo as his assistant. Bullseye had his eyes closed the entire time and only wrenched them open when in pain.
Leo’s father sighed heavily and looked my way. The moment before he said the words I knew what they were going to be and I braced myself for them.
“I’m afraid it’s degeneration of his lower spine, which is related to his dysplasia, and there’s not much more we can do,” he said in a soothing voice. “We can try to operate, but the success rate is low and he’s at high risk under anesthesia. The humane thing to do—”
“Is to let him go,” I finished for him as tears instantly sprang to my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said and then turned to the door. “I’ll give you a couple of minutes to think it through.”
“It’ll be okay,” Leo said, after his father left the room. “We’re here for you. Let me call somebody. Callum or Grammy. Maybe your dad?”
My answer came automatically. I knew exactly who I needed. “Dylan,” I rasped through my tears. “I need Dylan.”
My forehead sank down on top of Bullseye’s snout and I sobbed my heart out.
“Hand me your cell. I’ll ask him to come.” Leo placed his hand on my shoulder, but it felt cold and foreign. Only Dylan’s warmth would do.
14
Dylan
When I got the call from Billie’s phone it was Leo.
He quickly announced himself before saying, “Bullseye is gravely ill and Billie needs you.”
My brain went on autopilot as I jumped up from my couch and ran out the door. “Where is he?” Leo told me they were at the vet center. My mind was going a million miles an hour. This would be killing Billie. I knew it would be and it was slaying me not to be there with him.
It felt like the drive took forever before I finally pulled into the parking lot.
After I got inside the exam room, and found Billie with swollen eyes holding a very sick Bullseye in his arms, my stomach bottomed out.
“I’m going to have to let him go,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“I know, baby. I know.” He didn’t even flinch when I stepped behind him and wrapped my arms around the both of them, a lump the size of the state of Florida in my throat. “He’s not going to suffer anymore and that’s a good thing.”
“I’m glad for that,” he said, twisting in my arms and burying his head into my neck. “I’m just going to miss him so fucking much.”
I rocked him back and forth for several long seconds. Next time I looked up Leo stood in the entryway observing us with sorrowful eyes and I wondered if I had overstepped my bounds. But I didn’t even care—I was only doing what felt natural. Taking care of my friend. The boy that I loved. The boy I’d do anything for, including swallowing my feelings so that he could be happy.
Leo cleared his throat and Billie simply burrowed further into my chest. “I called your family and they’re on their way.”
“Thank you,” Billie said, wiping his eyes. I made the motion to back away, to allow for Leo to move in and take my place, but Billie only grabbed on firmer to my waist.
I had no idea why Billie was clinging to me so tightly except that I must’ve represented something he needed right then. Maybe consolation and a safety net and I wanted nothing more than to keep providing it for him.
After Grammy, Mr. Montgomery, and Billie’s siblings showed up to comfort Billie and say goodbye, it felt like a funeral. But Bullseye was a part of their family, so it only seemed fitting.
“Will you please stay in the room with Bullseye and me when they—” Billie threw his arms around me, snuffling into my neck.
His entire body was rigid and unyielding, like he was terrified of what was to come. I felt a deep and bruising stitch in my chest, trying to keep my own emotions in check. “Of course.”
The family waited in the lobby while I entered the room with Billie, Leo, and his father. A couple minutes after Billie said his final goodbye, Bullseye was given a shot of pentobarbital and put to sleep.
As the dog’s eyes closed for the final time, I had never seen Billie cry so hard in my life. When I wrapped him in my arms, I attempted to stay strong but my own tears were blurring my vision.
Leo’s dad told us that we’d be given the ashes in a couple of days’ time so that we could bury him at Shady Pines. Billie mumbled that he’d like him to rest atop of Pines Ledge, in the shade beneath some evergreens.
When we stepped into the waiting room, Billie hugged his family one by one as they made their way out the door. “You got him?” Callum asked me.
“I’ll make sure he has a ride home,” I responded and he nodded solemnly, as he patted me on the back.
“Glad he has you,” Grammy muttered and I looked around to see if she was in fact talking to me.
Billie was standing in the middle of the waiting room in a conversation with Leo. I heard him say that I would be driving him home and so I figured that Leo needed to hang back with his father to take care of the dog’s remains. It had already seemed like he was his father’s assistant during the procedure and I expected he’d make a good vet once he was licensed.
As Billie walked a few steps away to ask Leo’s father a question, Leo nudged my arm. “I think Billie feels more than friendship for you and doesn’t fully realize it yet.”
As I shook my head in an attempt to respond, he continued. “No, it’s okay. You’re the only one he asked for when he had to make that decision. He wanted you, Dylan. I’m glad that you’re in his life.”
“But we’re only—” I couldn’t even make my mouth form the words, just friends. Not anymore.
Leo shook his head and our eyes met across the space. He knew I was only fooling myself.
“My life is really in Ohio now,” Leo replied. “Plus I’ll be headed back to graduate school. I’ll always love him in my own way, but he needs somebody like you nearby.”
I couldn’t wrap my brain around what he was saying before he was walking Billie and me out the door. “Take good care of him.”
When we got outside, Billie was unsteady on his feet, so I helped load him in the truck. As soon as he slid into the passenger side, he crumpled against the seat. “Do you mind just driving around awhile?”
“Of course not.” We rode through the countryside for a couple of hours simply listening to music or talking about Bullseye and how much he was a part of his life. All of our lives. You couldn’t live in the town of Roscoe and not know Bullseye.
“Can I sleep at your place tonight?” Billie asked around a yawn. “I can’t face my bedroom without him just yet.”
I was nearly speechless. Billie hadn’t been to my apartment very often because let’s face it, it was a dump. When I didn’t respond right away, he said, “Please.”
“That’s cool. You don’t have to go home,” I said. “But, would you be more comfortable at Leo’s house? I wouldn’t mind—”
“No, I don’t want…Leo’s not…I just want to stay with you,” he said
in a rush. “If you don’t want me, I can—”
“Of course I want you.” Fuck. I reached for his hand on the seat and he interlaced our fingers, seeming relieved.
My stomach constricted so tight. Could Leo have been telling the truth about what Billie was feeling or was he just grieving so much that he was falling back on what was comfortable to him? No, I couldn’t let my mind go there, not now, in the middle of all of this. I would be what my friend needed right now.
As soon as we got inside my apartment, I offered Billie some water, picking up some laundry as I went along. After downing a couple of glasses, using the bathroom to take a leak and wash his face, he followed me into the bedroom.
I got undressed and pulled back the sheets as he ripped his shirt off his shoulders, kicked out of his jeans and sank into bed, most likely fading from exhaustion.
I figured he’d fall asleep instantly, but his thoughts and emotions seemed to get the best of him. He tossed and turned for several minutes before finally throwing the covers off of him. “I just can’t….”
“It’s okay, let me hold you.”
He scooted over into my arms and sank against me, releasing a more contented sigh. I rocked him and kissed the top of his head until he finally fell asleep.
A couple of hours later he lay awake again shifting positions and staring at the ceiling. I could hear his exasperated breath and feel the tension rolling off of him in waves. I tried to hold him again but he could not settle down.
“I want to kiss you again so badly,” he said into my neck as I tried rearranging him against my chest. “But I don’t want…if you and Aaron are…”
My mouth went dry. Holy Christ. “There is no me and Aaron.”
He stilled. “There isn’t? But you seem to be hanging out with him a lot.”
I felt foolish now because I’d led him to believe something that wasn’t true. “I wasn’t. I just said that so that you didn’t feel guilty being with Leo.”
His eyes sprang up to mine. “Fuck, Dylan. I don’t…I don’t want Leo. I thought I did. I thought it with all my heart.”
“What happened?” I whispered, attempting to dislodge the lump in my throat.
“I realized I wanted somebody else,” he said. “I want you.”
Holy fuck. Could this be for real or was that only his grief talking? “Billie—”
“No, don’t. I can’t analyze this…too much going on in my brain…just please kiss me. I need you to kiss me.”
My heart was thrashing in my chest as I reached for his face, lined our lips and tenderly tapping our mouths together. But that didn’t seem to be enough for him as he growled in frustration and smashed his mouth against mine.
His lips and hands grew feverish and almost punishing as he gripped my neck and nipped at my lips—as if he wanted to climb inside my skin to get closer to me.
He pushed me down on the bed and lay on top completely devouring my mouth.
Before I knew what was happening, he had both of our boxers on the floor and we were grinding against each other.
“I want you to fuck me,” he growled in my ear.
“Goddamn, Billie,” I panted against his cheek. “Hold up. I just don’t think…I don’t want you to regret anything.”
He drew his head back to stare at me. His eyes were wild with longing and desperation. “What about you? Would you regret it?”
“Fuck no,” I replied without a moment’s hesitation.
“Then please,” he pleaded, clutching at my jaw. “I need it…I need it so bad. I want to forget, if only for a few minutes.”
After a long moment, I nodded, and then nudged at his shoulders. “Lie down.”
As I rose up on my knees I figured it might destroy me if Billie woke up with remorse, realizing how needy and emotional he’d been.
But in this moment, I’d do anything for him.
15
Billie
I’d never felt such intense sadness in all my life. But behind that storm cloud of sorrow was also a ray of hope peeking through. I wanted Dylan so much. I wanted him on me and inside me, I wanted him to swallow me up and consume me. I wanted him to ball all of my pain into the palm of his hand and crush it into sawdust so I could truly appreciate the selfless beauty of him in this moment.
All of my nerve endings felt on fire as he kissed my skin with tongue and open mouth. From my throat to my collarbone down to my nipples which were overly sensitive tonight. All of my agony narrowed into a single pinpoint of light, like I was skating on the precipice of a knife and might catapult into the darkness if I got too close.
“Look how sexy you are, Will,” he breathed into my abdomen as he licked and nipped at the skin. “I just want to devour you.”
“Hell yes,” I hissed as his chin bumped against my erection and he buried his nose in the patch of hair at my crotch.
His lips brushed down my length to my balls as I dug my heels into the mattress, feeling like I was only a hairsbreadth away from shooting all over myself.
“I love your cock and your balls,” he muttered as he took his time sucking each one into his mouth. “I love how you smell. Like Sweets is in your blood, tattooed beneath your skin.”
“Fuck,” I moaned hoping like hell I could last long enough to feel him inside me.
He licked lower in broad strokes over my taint and then pushed at my thighs so that he could get better access to the crease of my ass. My knees shook as I lifted them to my shoulders and he kissed and licked my hole. My fingernails dug grooves into my flesh.
“Damn, I love tasting you,” he murmured against my skin. “I could do this all night.”
A groan tore from my throat. “Please. I need more—”
“You want my finger? I know how much you like that,” he replied, circling a digit around my pucker.
“Yes,” I hissed. He sat up to pull open a drawer on his nightstand, withdrawing a condom and some lube. He made quick work of squirting it on his fingers and my hole.
His tongue covered the distance to lap at my cock at the same time he pushed a finger inside. Stars floated in front of my eyes.
“Fucking hell.” I writhed against him, all of my senses on hyperdrive as he drove in a second digit. “Oh damn. Please. I need you inside me.”
He withdrew his fingers in order to roll on a condom as my chest heaved with raw anticipation. I could barely lie still—the urge to climb him like a tree was overpowering.
As he lined his cock up with my entrance, he leaned down to look me in the eye. “You sure about this?”
“I’ve never been more sure.” I clutched at his face and fused our lips and tongues together, giving him everything I had, pouring all of my overwhelming emotions into the kiss.
“Fuck, Will,” Dylan gasped against my lips. “Just…fuck.”
When he finally pushed inside me the searing pleasure-pain was the exact thing I’d been craving all along. It was as if I was suspended in a dreamland state of immeasurable bliss. Where nothing could hurt me. And nothing at all mattered except Dylan being buried deeply inside me, as his gaze carefully tracked my every response. He was so in tune to me—always had been—and I wondered if he even realized the profound emotions present in his eyes.
The tempo was slow and measured at first as if he needed to be careful with me. But he could tell the moment I became restless, my fists and jaw clenching, and began thrusting inside me with reckless abandon.
“Jesus, I always knew you would be good.” He railed me hard as the headboard thumped in a steady beat against the wall. “But I never imagined this…oh fuck. Unghhh.”
“I can’t even,” I cried out, my spine on fire, my balls drawing up. “I’m not gonna last.”
Eyes pinned to mine he reached for my cock with a solid grip. He didn’t have to stroke too many times before I was shooting load after load over his hand and onto my chest.
My hole constricted around his cock and his jaw dropped open, his eyes glazed over and he came with a quiet sort
of rumble that lifted all the fine hairs on my arms and legs.
When he finally collapsed on top of me, he pulled me into his arms and we rolled on our sides, our legs tangling, our mouths fused together. “Jesus, fuck.”
I gasped into his neck as everything came crashing back in with an unwavering intensity that rocked me to my core.
Bullseye’s death. Letting Leo go. Falling for my best friend.
As the raw emotions seared straight through me, the only thing holding me aloft was Dylan’s arms. As if he were keeping me caged, contained in his warmth—and if he ever let go, I’d be drifting away and lost again.
After our heart rates evened out, I swiped carelessly at my torso with some Kleenex that Dylan had handed me from his nightstand, as he tied the condom and tossed it on the floor. I felt Dylan’s shoulders relax and I knew that he had drifted off to sleep. It had been one hell of a long night.
Still, I had trouble settling down, my mind restless and troubled with so many flickering thoughts and feelings. As I watched Dylan sleep, I couldn’t stop the words from tumbling from my mouth. I needed to get them out even though he was barely conscious.
“I’ve fallen in love with you, Dylan.” My fingers brushed over his curls at his forehead. “I know you probably don’t want to hear that because…well, I’m your friend and you don’t really do relationships.”
My lips quivered as I relaxed against my pillow and talked to the ceiling. “But I also wonder if maybe you’re afraid because you’ve had a lot go wrong in your life. You’ve had plenty of people shit on you. Maybe you’re terrified of being on the losing end again.”
I shut my eyes, my heart rate finally decelerating as I forced the final words out. “I’m afraid too. Mostly of losing you. But if I don’t take this gamble and finally tell you how I feel, I might waste the chance of having something great with one of the best people I know. Because, fuck. You’re strong and faithful and absolutely stunning.”
The Sweetest Goodbye (Roadmap to Your Heart, Book 3.5) Page 8