Flaws and All

by Shana Burton

  “That’s not what I’m trying to do, Angel.”

  “Really?” asked Angel with a crude laugh. “You’re trash, Theresa, just a home-wrecking slut. As this cancer eats away at you, destroying your life, I hope that it is a constant reminder to you of how you destroyed my life. I hope it eats away at you like it eats away at me knowing that my child died because yours was born.” Angel began to cry. “Duke is the only man I’ve ever given my heart or my body to. I know that he left home on his own accord, but it never would’ve happened if he’d never crossed paths with you. I’m glad you have cancer! I’m thrilled that you’re dying! Your death will only mean there’s one less whore in the world. I hate you, and if I thought I could get away with it, I’d probably kill you myself. Instead, I’ll let nature do it for me. You’re getting exactly what you deserve. If you sow pain and destruction, that’s exactly what you reap!” Angel sank to her knees sobbing, angry, hurt, confused, and relieved all at the same time.

  Theresa ran to her and held her. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “Let it out!”

  “Don’t touch me!” ranted Angel, trying to escape Theresa’s grasp. “Get your hands off of me. Your hands have my child’s blood on them, and you know it!”

  Theresa clung to her even tighter. “We’re going to get through this, Angel,” she vowed. “I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I broke up your marriage, and I sinned against God and you as my sister in Christ. God told us to show love to one another, but I didn’t do that. I was selfish, calculating, and cruel. I didn’t care how my actions would affect you; I just wanted what I wanted. Now I’m asking you to forgive me. I have truly repented, and God has forgiven me. I pray that you will, too, not for my sake, but for yours. I pray that you can forgive Duke too. He never wanted to hurt you.”

  “You don’t prove your love to your wife by sleeping with another woman!”

  “Duke will explain everything to you in time. His version really doesn’t matter, though. The important thing is that you release this anger and these negative emotions. You can’t do what God wants you to do by bottling up all this hatred. You’re blocking your blessings. All that hatred and resentment is going to destroy you just like this disease is destroying me. My physical cancer is just as real as your spiritual cancer. We both need to be healed.”

  Angel finally broke free from her. “I will never forgive either of you for what you did to me!”

  Theresa sighed. “Then you’ll always be in bondage. The last thing I want to do right now is say anything to hurt you even more, but the truth is that Duke and I have had a great life together. We have two beautiful daughters, we have good friends, and we’re not wanting for anything. We’ve acknowledged our sins, and we’ve moved on. But you, you’re still stuck in this sad, empty place because you won’t soften your heart enough to forgive. What are you gaining by holding on to all of this pain? You’ve created this little prison for yourself, but you can choose to be the prisoner with the life sentence, or the warden who sets her free. Forgiving is the hardest and easiest thing in the world, but it’s totally up to you.”

  “Shut up! You will never understand what it’s like to be hurt this deeply. Like you said, you have your husband, your family, your life. You can’t possibly know what this has been like for me.”

  Theresa stood in front of her. “Look at me. Along with everything else I have, did you forget that I have cancer too? My family is being taken away from me just like yours was, only slower, but you don’t see me sitting around here bitter, blaming God because I got sick. I had just turned only thirty-one years old when the doctor gave me six months to live. I could be very angry about that, but what would that accomplish other than sending me to the grave that much faster? The devil may be winning this victory over my body, but he won’t take my joy and my peace. Neither will unforgiveness.”

  “I’ve been carrying this around for nine long years,” said Angel. “Getting beyond it is not as simple as you want to make it seem.”

  “Sure it is, you just do it.” She took Angel by the hand. “Pray with me, Angel.”

  “I can’t,” she sobbed and shook her head. “Not with you. Anybody but you.”

  “You don’t have to do anything but close your eyes and give it to Jesus.” Theresa kneeled beside her and prayed, “Lord, we come humbly and boldly before your throne. We acknowledge you as Lord over our lives and as the one true God. We rejoice and serve you with gladness. We thank you for today and for your continued grace and mercy upon us. While we are all guilty of sin, we also know that you are good, are ready to forgive, and are plenteous in mercy to all who call upon you.

  “Lord, I come to you on behalf of my sister Angel. My husband and I have wronged her, Lord, in the most deceitful and hurtful way. Even though we have turned from our wicked ways and have sought and been granted your forgiveness, we have yet to be given hers. God, help her to remember that your word says that if we don’t forgive those who hurt us, you won’t forgive our transgressions. Soften her heart right now, Lord. Deliver her from the stronghold that a hardened heart has put on her life. Help her to recognize that the devil’s sole purpose is to keep her bound and in a perpetual state of hurt and depression. Forgive her for her sins so that she may be led to forgive others.

  “In the name of Jesus, I release her right now from hurt and negative emotions. From this day forward, she shall walk in the spirit of love and forgiveness. We believe that all we ask in your son’s name is done, and we claim the victory right now. Amen.”

  Theresa opened her eyes and found Angel shaking her head and quietly thanking God in agreement. Theresa wrapped her arm around her. “It is done, my sister.”

  Angel wept for a long time. The memories started flooding back to her at once: meeting Duke, her wedding day, the joy of finding out that she was pregnant, and the agony of losing her child; the devastating blow of hearing Duke tell her that he was in love with another woman and was walking out on their marriage, the indescribable heartbreak of being served divorce papers, and the feeling of being so hurt and so defeated that she sought solace in overdosing on painkillers that the doctor had prescribed her following the miscarriage. Despite it all, though, the Lord had brought her through it. She was still here, still alive. She was surrounded by friends who loved her, and she was in a position to do good in the world and help ease other people’s pain. She was blessed, and it took the woman she despised most to remind her.

  Angel looked up at Theresa through watery eyes and whispered, “Thank you . . . I forgive you. I forgive both of you.”

  Theresa hugged her and replied, “Thank you. God bless you.” She squeezed Angel’s hand. “Your life is going to be so much richer from this point on. You’re free.”

  “For the first time in nine years, I feel free,” she admitted. Angel wiped her tears and laughed. “Who would’ve thought, right?”

  Theresa smiled. “Who would’ve thought . . .”

  “Theresa, I want you to know that I really do believe you’ve changed. You couldn’t have done what you just did for me if God wasn’t in your life and in your heart.”

  “The God we serve can do all kinds of miracles, even save a wretch like me,” replied Theresa. “I don’t have any unrealistic expectations about us being best friends or anything like that, but I’m willing to try to be something other than enemies if you are.”

  Angel looked down. “Theresa, I’m willing to try, but I’m not going to pretend that the hurt is gone. It’s a little less, but the sting is still there.”

  “I know. In time, though, I pray that each layer of forgiveness will be pulled back, and that you’ll no longer be haunted by this. I know that you’ll have to forgive me all over again whenever you think of the child you lost or see me with Duke, or any time there’s a trigger that causes you to remember. But you took an important step today toward making peace with everything that’s happened.”

  “And I promise to be a consummate professional from now on. I’m sorry for being a pain earlier. I
know I was hurt, but that’s no excuse. The welfare of my patients should always come first.”

  “It’s okay. Even your halo leans to the side sometimes, Angel,” kidded Theresa.

  “Nevertheless, I want to do right by you as your nurse.”

  “So, does this mean you’re sticking around?” Angel nodded and Theresa smiled.

  “Duke will be so happy to hear this. If you’ll excuse me for a minute, I want to call and tell him the good news.” Theresa made a quick exit.

  Duke. Now that she was no longer hiding behind her anger, Angel realized that there was another emotion lying dormant in her as it related to her ex-husband. Beneath the layers of hurt, betrayal, and resentment was buried the one emotion she’d fought to deny for nine years: love.

  Chapter 28

  “Don’t try to tangle with me.”

  —Lawson Kerry

  Mark entered Lawson’s classroom that Monday afternoon just as she was packing up to leave. His presence brought the usual anxiety along with it.

  “Do you have any extra dry erase markers?” he asked.

  “I thought the new teacher was supposed to be borrowing from the mentor, not the other way around.” She pointed to her file cabinet. “Look in there. Grab what you need.”

  “Thanks.” He opened the drawer, pulled out a box of markers, and held up a wallet-sized picture of Namon in his football uniform. “Is this your son?”

  The anxiety mounted. She’d forgotten about stashing the picture in there to keep Mark from seeing it on her desk. Clearly, the plan had backfired. “Yes, that’s Namon.”

  Mark was mesmerized by the photo, “Cute kid. Kind of looks like me at that age.”

  The comparison left Lawson feeling sick. “He is the spitting image of Patrick Kerry, my father,” she lied to throw him off.

  “What’s his name again?”

  “Namon.” She hoisted the picture from his grasp.

  “He plays football, huh? How old is he?”

  “He’s in middle school,” she replied, being vague to prevent Mark from asking too many questions.

  “Oh, you must’ve had him pretty young?”

  “Yeah, I was still in high school.”

  “Really? I don’t remember you saying you had a kid when we met.”

  “I had him later.” She crammed the picture into her wallet.

  “Was his daddy a jock too?”

  “Mark, why the sudden interest in my son?”

  “I’m just curious about what you’ve been doing for the last fourteen years. Sue me.”

  “I’ve been working, going to school, and taking care of my child. Case closed.”

  “Do you get a lot of help from his dad?”

  Lawson was visibly irritated. “Namon’s father abandoned him before he was even born.”

  “That’s messed up. I can’t imagine ever doing that to a child of mine.”

  “Oh, really,” she replied, ripe with sarcasm.

  “I know you’re wondering how I can say that when my daughter’s in a whole other state, but I send money every week, I get her during the summer, and I’m up in Charlotte visiting her every other weekend. I refuse to be a deadbeat dad.”

  “I suppose that makes Mariah a very lucky girl.” Lawson slung her purse strap over her shoulder and started walking out of the classroom. “Mark, I really do have to go. Namon has a doctor’s appointment, and we can’t be late. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Mark walked out behind her. “He’s not sick, is he?”

  “Not really. He has thyroid problems.”

  “I do too. It’s hereditary, you know.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I guess.”

  He stopped walking and thought for a moment. “That’s weird, isn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “That your son and I both have the same condition.”

  Lawson pushed open the exterior doors of the school and walked to the parking lot. “It’s not that strange, Mark. Millions of people suffer the same ailment.” She could tell by his expression that her answer didn’t placate him as much as she wished it had.

  Mark was hot on her heels. “How old did you say he was again?”

  In her haste to get away from Mark, Lawson blurted out, “He’s almost fourteen,” without thinking.

  “Fourteen? You made it seem like he was a lot younger.” She began to sprint, but was no match for the former running back. “Dang, slow down, Lawson!”

  She stopped. “Mark, I already told you that I have to go. We’ll talk later.”

  “Lawson, wait . . . if he’s fourteen, then that means he must’ve been conceived around the time we met, right?”

  Lawson exhaled. “What’s your point?”

  “When is Namon’s birthday?”

  “How about I just bring you his birth certificate, okay? Then you can figure out how old he is, who his dad is, and every other question you have that’s keeping me from getting my son to the doctor.”

  He acquiesced. “Go on. I don’t want you to miss your appointment.”

  She sighed, relieved. “Thank you. I’ll see you later.”

  As Lawson moved to leave, Mark stopped her as a new thought came to him. “Lawson, wait . . . that night . . . we didn’t use protection, did we?”

  “I’m sure we did,” she lied. “I wouldn’t be that careless with a guy I just met.”

  Mark thought about it some more. “I’m almost positive we didn’t because I wasn’t planning on having anybody over that night. It just sort of happened.”

  “If you say so,” she replied in a huff. “Now I really have to leave.”

  “Why are you so agitated? Why don’t you want to talk about it?”

  “What’s with the Grand Inquisition, Mark? We’ve already had this discussion. Why do you want to rehash it now?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’m looking for the truth. Something’s not right about this. I feel it in my gut.” He parted his lips to say something then pursed them together. He shook his head and spoke again. “Do you mind if I take another look at that picture?”

  “I do mind. I really don’t have time for this.”

  “Then just answer one question for me. Who is Namon’s father?”

  Lawson swallowed and looked away. “A guy I dated in high school. Why?”

  “What’s his name?”

  “You don’t know him.”

  “Then why won’t you tell me his name?”

  She unlocked her car door. “Why are you doing this? Just let it go!”

  “I have to know the truth, Lawson. What’s his name?”

  Lawson rattled “Johnny” off of the top of her head before getting into the car.

  “Johnny who?”

  She was flustered. “Johnny Jones or something. I don’t really remember. Like I said, we don’t talk anymore. We haven’t communicated in years.”

  She tried to close the door, but Mark blocked the door with his body. “Lawson, you don’t know a dude named Johnny Jones any more than you do Adam’s house cat.”

  “Okay, evidently you have all the answers, Mark, so why are you bothering me?”

  “I think . . .” He shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m about to ask you this.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “I have to.” He gulped. “Lawson, is Namon my son?”

  She pushed him aside. “Don’t you think you’d know if you had a child here, especially if he was living in the same city as you do?”

  “No, not if his mother didn’t tell me. Lawson, look at me, all right?” He held the door so she couldn’t close it. “Is Namon my child? Just tell me, Lawson. I have to know. Is he my kid?”

  Tears started to burn in her eyes. “Please, just drop it, okay? I’m not asking you for anything. My son and I are fine. We don’t need anything from you.”

  “I’m not leaving until I know the truth. You owe me that much.”

  “I don’t owe you anything!” she raged.

  “If he’s not my son,
just say it.”

  Lawson shook her head.

  “From the moment we met again, you’ve been acting strange. I thought it was because we’d slept together, but when I saw that picture, I knew. Tell me, Lawson. Is Namon my son?”

  “I’m begging you, Mark. Don’t do this.”

  Mark crossed his arms in front of him. “Fine, then, I’ll have him tested. Is that what you want? You wanna drag your son through that?”

  “No,” she sobbed.

  He stooped down beside the car. “Please just tell me the truth,” pleaded Mark. “I need to hear you say the words.”

  Lawson looked down at Mark. The weight of carrying this secret was finally too much to bear, and she knew that there was only one way to unload it, to free Mark and to free herself. She wiped her eyes. “You were right, okay?” She held her head down as she spoke. “We didn’t use protection that night.” He dropped his head too. “It was stupid, and we should’ve known better.”

  Mark looked up. “And Namon?”

  She took a deep breath and went on. “We didn’t use protection, and we ended up making a baby that night.”

  His body was trembling. “So, it’s true then? Namon is . . .”

  “It’s true.” She looked him squarely in the face. “Mark, Namon is your son.”

  Mark was seething. He didn’t say anything with his mouth, but his eyes spoke volumes. His face was rigid, jaws tightened.

  Lawson was actually terrified of him. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

  “Why?”

  “Because we need to talk about this. I need to know what you intend to do.”

  “No, why? Why would you keep my son from me all these years? How could you not tell me?”

  “Mark, I didn’t know how to contact you. I didn’t know where you were—”

  “That’s bull, Lawson! You had my number. You knew where I lived.”

  “By the time I realized I was pregnant, you’d already gone to Virginia to play football. How was I supposed to track you down way over there?”