The Pilot Who Wore a Dress

by Tom Cutler

  When your helper has finished, sit up and take back their match. Now push it hard, head to head with the match in your hand. The wetness will cause the two to stick together, but this can take a moment or two. To disguise the pressure you may need to exert, conceal the matches from your helpers by pushing them together behind the first two fingers of each hand. Once they are stuck they will stay stuck, and you can release your hold with the top hand.

  As you let go, your acting ability takes over. You should appear to be concentrating hard on what you are doing. Pass the magnetised matches between hands a couple of times, before finally popping them apart.

  Holding them as a pair, immediately strike them together on the box, saying, ‘And look: they still strike.’ Doing this gets rid of the slightly sticky evidence.

  Now empty out a few more matches onto the table and challenge others to attempt the magnetising business with their hair. Ten minutes of fun can be got out of this bit.

  The glass mousetraps

  The bet

  The glass mousetraps is an ancient lateral thinking scam that must be one of the most shameless ever. The effect from the victim’s point of view is that a simple experiment is explained whereby he must ‘catch’ three ‘mice’ with three glasses in just three moves. When he tries to repeat the simple moves he’s been shown he is unable to succeed.

  Start by arranging three glasses in a row on the bar or table between yourself and your victim: the centre glass mouth-down, the end glasses mouth-up. In front of each glass you place a paper ball, olive, peanut, coin or other suitable object to represent your mice.

  When you’re set, explain: ‘Look, I bet you can’t catch these three mice under these three glass mousetraps in just three moves. I’ll show you how it’s done first, to help you, and then you can have a go. But I move fast, so watch carefully.’

  You now lift any two glasses – one in each hand – and turn them both over, putting any mouth-down glass over its mouse and replacing any mouth-up glass in its original position behind its mouse. The glass mousetraps remain associated with their original mice throughout and mustn’t hop about. You say: ‘One.’

  You then turn over two glasses again, placing any mouth-down glass over its mouse, saying: ‘Two.’

  Finally, for the third time, you turn over two glasses and finish with each mouse under a mouth-down glass. You say: ‘Three.’ You have captured three mice in three moves.

  You can demonstrate the effect two or three times, using different variations to get the result you want. Stay awake, though, because it’s possible to get your head in a mess and screw things up.

  In fact, the scam can easily be done in just two moves, but by allowing a third move you complicate matters to the point where your spectator’s brain starts to turn to custard.

  Once you are clear that your victim understands the rules, set up the glasses for him. It is at this point that the monkey business occurs.

  The chicanery

  What you appear to do when you come to arrange things for your victim to have a go is replace the glass mousetraps behind their mice in the original start position. What you really do is move all the glasses back to their start point but make sure that the middle glass – number two – is mouth-up and the outer glasses are mouth-down. This is the reverse of the original set-up, where the middle glass was mouth-down. No matter how hard your volunteer now tries, he cannot cover the mice without doing something that isn’t allowed – even if he goes on all night.

  After a couple of drinks his lateral thinking capacities will be dulled and the look on his face will be wonderful to behold as he racks his brains and wonders what’s gone wrong.

  Take the money and run.

  Fire under water

  The bet

  Make a grand bet with your admiring followers that you can create an underwater fire in a full glass or jug. Announcements like this are of the ‘witch-doctor’ or ‘charismatic-temple-leader’ sort. People may bow down, burst into tears, or beg to go to bed with you, which can’t be bad. If they don’t ask to do any of these you can simply claim money for your entertaining show.

  There are two ways of producing this effect, one genuinely flammable, scientific and startling, the other easier but more in the nature of a lateral thinking liberty-taking with meaning. Both are fun in their own way.

  The chicanery

  The first method for producing this effect is suitable only for sheds or ‘patio demonstrations’ in fair weather, because it involves the use of a sparkler.

  Sparklers contain a number of interesting ingredients to make them work, including various metals and, importantly for this demonstration, so-called ‘oxidisers’. Oxidisers increase the rate of burning when the sparkler is lit. Potassium nitrate, barium nitrate and strontium nitrate are all common oxidisers in sparklers. Though these nitrates are not themselves combustible, they enhance the burning of other substances, and this is the key to making your bet work.

  If you were to light a sparkler and dip it into a cup or jug of water it would go out. However, because of the oxidisers, the sparkler will continue to burn under water if you wrap a single spiral of Scotch tape around it before lighting it with a match, or, better, another sparkler. It will then burn away fast and furious under water.

  What the tape does, in case you are interested, is provide an effective waterproof barrier around the sparkler. The oxidisers are so powerful that this barrier is enough to allow them to burn despite the water. The tape itself will melt from the intense heat as the sparkler does its thing.

  The other, easier method can be done impromptu in the house, in a restaurant or down the pub.

  At a romantic dinner with a person you have high hopes for, you can say something like, ‘You have provocative eyes, like those of an Egyptian princess (prince). This candle brings out their hot, mysterious beauty.’

  Cheap flattery of this kind always works a treat. Anyway, you continue, ‘Did you know that candles can burn under water?’ No matter what the reply, you say, ‘Look, I bet you a kiss that I can make this candle burn under water without it going out. Let me show you.’

  Once you’ve got the go-ahead, pick up the candle in your right hand and immediately lift your glass of water in your left. Place the candle under the glass of water. ‘There, it worked,’ you say.

  Another way to do this is to do the lateral thinking bet first and then follow up with the sparkler demonstration – when you are somewhere suitable, obviously. Don’t start lighting fireworks in restaurants, it’s not the done thing. Also, don’t do this if you are not an adult. Obviously! Matches and sparklers must be handled with great care, as Joan of Arc said to the man with the lighted taper.

  This double-show is five minutes of entertaining lateral thinking and hooey, plus a couple of free drinks, or whatever you care to bet.

  Saucer sorcery

  The bet

  I remember once seeing a beggar in San Francisco who was doing some simple magic tricks for passers-by. He wasn’t 100 per cent washed but he was trying his hardest and was evidently earning enough to pay for a few cans of dinner. People are far readier to fork out for a guy like this than they are for some homunculus squatting in a corner, glaring into the pavement. It is a pleasant characteristic of most people that they don’t mind reaching into their pocket if they are being entertained at the same time. They feel they are getting something in return for their donation.

  Restaurants and cafés are often good places to use this principle, and the following cheeky scam will entertain your friends and win you a brandy or two at the same time.

  Many restaurants these days seem to have an unhealthy thirst for novelty, which may be related to their penchant for giving fairly ordinary dishes fancy foreign names. Once upon a time you could identify restaurant food by what it was called: liver and bacon, roast chicken, potatoes, cabbage, haddock, green salad, trifle, spotted dick, Cheddar, Beaujolais, black coffee. But now I don’t know what the hell anything is in some places
. ‘Assiette of piglet’ is, I find, common or garden pork served on a plate (novel idea), while ‘Petits pois à la française’ is apparently just French-style peas. But maybe there’s method in this madness. Stanford University’s Prof. Dan Jurafsky found that dishes described with longer words cost 11p per letter more.

  On the whole, cafés are better than restaurants in this respect: there’s not much you can do to gentrify egg, chips and a mug of tea. There used to be a place near me once, called Anu’s Café, where Anu, trying to be with-it, removed the pound signs and punctuation marks from his prices. A cup of tea marked on the board at ‘120’ looked like £120 to me. He also tried tarting up his coffee with names like Americana, Crappuccino, Latte and all that nonsense. Someone got her own back, though, by nicking the apostrophe from his neon sign. Thereafter, punters seeing ‘Anus Café’ flashing on and off at the end of the road did not find their mouths watering.

  Another annoying novelty in restaurants is square plates. Whose idea was that? For millennia diners have been happily noshing off round plates – who needs corners? Which reminds me what it is that I’m supposed to be telling you about.

  It’s this jolly bet you can have with some friends in a café or restaurant. When everyone is relaxed and unbuttoned at the end of the meal, and the coffee is finished, you pick up your cup and saucer and say this: ‘I bet you a brandy that I can push this saucer through the handle of this cup.’ Nobody will believe you, so you repeat, ‘Yes, I can poke this saucer right through this cup handle.’ Everybody will now be alert and expectant and someone will offer to buy you a brandy if you succeed.

  The chicanery

  Pick up the cup by its rim and then pick up the saucer. Line up the saucer with the cup handle as if you were going to push the saucer through the handle like a giant needle and thread. Build the suspense a little and then, as if deciding on a better technique, put the saucer down on the table and quickly push your finger through the cup handle, giving the saucer a good poke. ‘There,’ you say. ‘I pushed the saucer through the cup handle.’

  You’ll get either a groan or a laugh, depending on whether or not you’ve got friendly friends.

  How to put your head where your bottom should be

  The bet

  At the bar, choose someone to help you. Compliment your volunteer on his or her nose. Tell them that their conk is a fine example of a masculine Roman nose, or an intellectually aquiline nose, or a fine prizefighter’s hooter. Suit your compliments to your subject. This is called ‘salesmanship’.

  Tell ladies, as you gently run your finger from their glabella down to their supratip break (I had to look those up), that they have the nose of a princess, or a beautiful model, or the perfect example of the retroussé line, indicating breeding, brains and beauty.

  Then say, ‘My nose runs in the family. You see, I was born upside down – my nose does the running, and my feet do the smelling.’ When the gales of laughter die down (shouldn’t take more than half an hour), point at your beer and say, ‘This Australian lager [you can use any beer with a head] was also born upside down: its head is where its bottom should be and its bottom is where its head should be, rather like the Prime Minister [or Leader of the Opposition, or someone else you know your victim can’t stand].’

  Now bet your subject that if he (or she) buys you a glass of beer you will be able to put its frothy head at the bottom. Seems impossible, but it’s not.

  The chicanery

  The solution to this delightful bet is magnificently simple. You need a completely full glass of beer with a small head on it, but don’t bother with one of those real ales that contain just one bubble per pint. The glass must have a circumference no bigger than your palm. The gag works very nicely with a half-pint measure.

  Do your spiel and accept the beer. Then simply place your flat hand on top of the drink and lift the glass with your other hand, carefully but swiftly turning it over. The head, somewhat surprisingly, stays where it was in relation to the rest of the beer, and is now at the bottom. By the way, this is one of those things you’ve got to practise at home first.

  Obviously don’t try to drink the drink without turning it back up again or your famous nose is going to be full of beer. Though I suppose you could always bet them first that you can put your head up your nose.

  Bend me your ears

  The bet

  Did you hear the joke about the glazer who was carrying a sheet of glass over his shoulder? He stumbled and the glass slipped, cutting off his ear. The ear fell into a hole where some builders were putting a piling, so the glazer knelt down and bent into the dark hole to ask the men if they could see it. They had a look around until one chap saw the ear bobbing in a puddle. He picked it up, wiped it on his trousers, and dropped it into his hard hat.

  ‘Is this it?’ he asked, waving the hat up at the glazer.

  ‘No,’ replied the glazer. ‘Mine had a pencil behind it.’

  Strictly speaking, this isn’t a joke about an ear – much of which is concealed inside the skull – it’s a joke about just the fleshy visible outer ear, which, as almost nobody knows, is called the ‘pinna’ or ‘auricle’.

  Some mammals can adjust the direction of their auricles, and, in those with mobile pinnae (such as the horse), the left and right ones can be moved and directed independently of each other. In most humans, however, the outer ears are impossible to move at all, singly or in pairs, and this is the basis of this charming bet.

  What you do is announce that you can wiggle your left ear without wiggling your right. Impossible? Ask people to try it. This will provide five minutes of general hilarity while your chums strain and make faces, while trying without success to move either or both ears. If you have a phone with a camera – not everybody does, you young readers – take a few pictures and post them online for the mere pleasure of laughing at your friends.

  Now, before you actually do the demo, it’s time to get a drink bought by those who wish to see your incredible display of auricular skill.

  The chicanery

  Once you’ve got your drink/s bought for you, repeat the details of the miraculous feat you are about to perform – you are going to wiggle your left ear without wiggling your right. Now, ask for a drum roll and grasp your left ear with your hand and wiggle it vigorously. Done! This is one of those bets where it’s important to claim your prize before you do the demonstration. Otherwise people might feel inclined to break their contract with you, on the ground that you deliberately misled them. Either that or you might go home with both your ears displaying cauliflower tendencies.

  The easy restaurant bill-dodging betcha

  The bet

  I’ve just been reading about a new restaurant on the moon. It has great food but no atmosphere. Perhaps the best restaurant atmosphere back down here on earth is at Noma, which was named the best restaurant in the world not so long ago. It certainly lists some fascinating dishes on its menu, including live ants, wriggling prawn and fried moss.

  But this is nothing compared to Guo-li-zhuang, a restaurant on the delightfully named Dongsishitiao Street in Beijing. This is China’s first penis restaurant. According to Chinese ‘experts’, eating penises is good for a man’s sexual potency and is said to improve a lady’s complexion, though women are advised not to bite off more than they can chew.

  At Guo-li-zhuang you can treat yourself, among other delicacies, to mouth-watering horse, snake and duck willies. I wonder if coq au vin is on the menu. I know they offer blue whale penis, which is eight feet long and costs about £330. It sounds quite a mouthful – I’m guessing it’s a dish for sharing.

  The fried and flambéed steamed yak penis also sounds interesting, as do the sheep’s testicles on a bed of curry. You can get boiled testicles too, not from spending too long in a hot bath, but cooked for you by the waitress in a tasty broth. For the truly inquisitive, there’s even a hotpot of penises of ten different kinds.

  For the less adventurous there’s the simple penis-on-a-stick
, or ‘Henry’s whip’, as it’s apparently called. Or you could just go to McDonald’s.

  Here’s a betcha that’s great for any restaurant. Although it sounds like evens, your victim cannot win this bet unless he understands what’s going on.

  Let’s suppose you are out for a meal with a friend and after three courses and some coffee it’s finally time to pay the bill. You offer a bet with a 50/50 chance that your chum will not have to pay anything and you’ll be landed with the entire bill. What you do is hand your friend a box of matches and ask him or her to drop any number of them into your hand. If they then want to add or take any away they may. The number of matches is an entirely free choice.

  Once they are happy, you break the matches in half – completely fairly, there’s no funny business – and drop them into an ashtray, or onto the tablecloth. You now explain that you are each going to take a broken matchstick in turn, and the one with the last piece will pay the bill. Unless the matches have been counted, which I don’t recommend, neither of you knows how many there are. But you still know you are going to win.

  If you proceed exactly as you’ve said, with no monkey business, your friend will always be left with the last match. There’s no cheating – you do exactly what you said you’d do.

  The chicanery

  It is an interesting arithmetical fact that any number you double will give you an even number, whether it is itself odd or even. One doubled gives you two, two doubled gives you four, three gives you six, seven gives you fourteen, ten gives you 20, 39 gives you 78, 4,155 gives you 8,310, 5,000,006 gives you 10,000,012. This simple, even dull, property of doubling is the basis of this delightful betcha.