Out of Her League

by Lori Handeland

  “Start the shower,” she ordered, hugging one to each side.

  “It’s late. We’re tired. Shower tomorrow.”

  “I’m tired. You’re filthy. Shower now.” Evie pointed down the hall. “Hut, two, three, four.”

  They marched, mumbling and grumbling all the way.

  “We need to talk,” she told Adam. “After I get those two to bed.”

  He didn’t answer, and she peered at him, surprised to find a belligerent look on his face. The expression was completely foreign to her.

  “Maybe we should talk now,” she ventured.

  “Don’t bother. I know what you’re going to say.”

  “Really? Excellent, because I have no idea.”

  “You don’t have to lecture me on responsibility, Mom. I know all about it.”

  “You do? Then why did you send your brothers out in the rain?”

  “It’s eighty degrees out and this is Oak Grove, Iowa—nowhere center of the universe. They were fine.”

  “Lucky for you.”

  “I’m sick of them!” he shouted.

  Evie’s eyes widened. Adam never raised his voice. He rarely got angry, unless the twins poked him one time too many. And he never, ever argued with her. To be honest, his good behavior was unnerving, and sometimes she’d wished for a rebellion—just a tiny one—to show he was growing up all right. Well, she’d gotten her wish. Now, was she a mouse or a mom?

  Evie straightened her back and met Adam’s eyes. “I can’t say that I blame you. The two of them can be a real pain. But you handle them well most of the time. I’m proud of you.”

  “I don’t want to be responsible all the time. I don’t want to be their sitter. I don’t want to be their dad.”

  Evie winced. Was that what he thought?

  “I just want to be me. I want to be a kid for a change.”

  “I thought you were.”

  “I haven’t been a kid since those two were born and Dad died.”

  Evie couldn’t breathe. Here it was—everything she’d been wondering about, all she’d been afraid of, out in the open. Did she have the courage to hear it?

  “So you want to make up for all the years you were responsible by … what? Acting irresponsible, like your father?”

  “You hate him, don’t you?”

  “How can I hate him? He’s gone.”

  “You never looked at him the way you look at Scalotta. And he’s worse than Dad ever was.”

  Well, that wasn’t true, but she wasn’t going to argue worse and better on the idiot-scale.

  “Is that what this is about? Joe?”

  “Are you going to try for the same mistake twice, Mom? Fall for a guy who’s no good for you? He’ll hurt you, and you’ll cry.”

  “Heck, I want to cry now,” she mumbled. “I’m serious!”

  “I know.” She sighed. “You are, and I’m sorry. Don’t worry about me, Adam. I know what I’m doing.”

  “Do you?”

  “Don’t I always?”

  “You’d like us to believe that, wouldn’t you?”

  “Of course. I gather you haven’t fallen for my act?”

  He snorted.

  She took that as an insult but decided to let it pass. One problem at a time. “You’re right. Sometimes I have no clue what I’m doing. I can only try. You do deserve time to be a kid, but I don’t want you to make my mistake. With Toni.”

  He shot her a look filled with such derision, that Evie’s eyes burned with the advent of tears. “So she can end up hating me, like you hate Dad? So I can ruin her life, like Dad ruined yours?”

  Evie forced her next words past the lump in her throat. “Your dad didn’t ruin my life.”

  “No, I did.”

  Before she could deny it, he got up and left the room. Evie heard his bedroom door close, then lock.

  “Well, that went well,” Evie murmured, and then she cried.

  Toni sat in the car with that dreamy look on her face, and Joe had no idea where to begin.

  “So, ah … what were you guys doing?”

  Her smile turned to a scowl. “Same thing you and Mrs. Vaughn were doing.”

  “Having dinner?”

  “Yeah, right, Joe. Adam and I saw you two in the kitchen. You weren’t cooking—pasta, anyway.”

  Joe sighed. What now?

  “You like her.”

  The words weren’t a question, but Joe answered nonetheless. “Sure. Is that a problem?”

  “Not for me. But you’d better think about what you’re doing.”

  “Huh?”

  “You said you wanted to stay in Oak Grove, that you wanted to get married again.”

  “So?”

  “Mrs. Vaughn is not someone you want to play with. People like her and respect her. They might think you’re cool now, but I’d hate to be you if you hurt her.”

  “I’m not going to hurt her.”

  “No? How do you plan to stop that?”

  Joe was still trying to figure out how they’d ended up talking about him and not her. He was really no good at this.

  “How do you think I’ll hurt her?”

  “You planning on marrying her?”

  Joe scowled. He hadn’t thought that far.

  “What are you planning, Wildman?”

  He concentrated on the road while he tried to think of a way to explain what he needed to to his daughter. How could he say that he wanted a fifties kind of wife like his mom, the kind who would stay at home, have kids, when he didn’t want that for his little girl? He wanted her to go to college, have a career. Then, if she absolutely had to, she could be a wife and a mommy. Joe shuddered at the thought.

  “Well?” she persisted. “I’ve seen how you look at her. You never looked at Mom like that.”

  Joe flushed. That was true, much to his embarrassment. “We’ve already talked about your mom and me.”

  “You guys made a mistake.”

  “We weren’t responsible. It’s embarrassing to admit, especially to you, but we weren’t thinking about anyone but ourselves—not each other, and certainly not you. In fact, I think we should discuss responsibility right now.”

  Joe pulled into their driveway and shut off the car. Silence descended between them. He could hear the click of the engine cooling down.

  Toni just stared straight ahead. “Adam is very responsible.”

  “They always are.”

  “Why don’t you like him?” Her voice was quiet and tense.

  “I never said I didn’t like him.”

  “You aren’t very nice to him, and you always have a snotty comment.”

  “I’m just scared for you.”

  “You don’t have to be scared. I love him.”

  Joe groaned. That was what he’d been afraid of. He should have been prepared for it, but hearing her say those words made his heart beat so fast and hard that he pressed a palm to his chest.

  She shifted in her seat so she faced him, her back against the car door. “Don’t have a heart attack. Why should love upset you?” Tilting her head, she studied him. “Maybe because you’ve never loved?”

  “I love you.”

  “You do?”

  The complete shock in her voice made him pause. He’d told her when she was little how much he loved her, but once she had started calling him “Joe” and the wall had come up between them, he’d stopped. Was the problem between them as simple as that? Did she think he didn’t love her? How could he have been so stupid?

  Joe was not a man who voiced his feelings easily. Oh, he felt things just fine, but expressing them verbally—he’d rather face a 350-pound offensive lineman out for his blood. Still, women liked to hear in words what went on inside a man’s heart and soul. Or so he’d always been told. He’d never bared his heart to anyone, but if there was ever a time for baring, now was it.

  “I love you more than anything on this earth, Toni. I always have.”

  “You never loved my mother.” The words weren’t a question
, they were an accusation. And suddenly Joe understood where the distance between him and his daughter had come from. His lips tightened at the thought of his ex-wife’s malice. But Karen was gone, and nothing would be gained by speaking ill of the dead—or by lying.

  “You’re right. I didn’t love her. That was my fault, not hers.”

  “If you didn’t love her, then how can you love me?”

  “How can I not love you? You’re my little girl. You’ll be my little girl when you’re eighty years old.”

  “You don’t even know me.”

  “You’re wrong,” he said quietly. “I knew you the first time I looked into your eyes. You’re the best part of me.”

  His words fell into a heavy, tense silence. Toni blinked as if to stop sudden tears, but she didn’t repeat his words.

  Joe’s heart hurt worse. Would his little girl ever love him? Would she ever call him “Dad”? What kind of father was he if he couldn’t even inspire love in his own child? What kind of man was he if he’d never been in love?

  Now was not the time to worry about his life, or lack of one. He was supposed to be discussing Toni’s life, and his worries about the direction she might take.

  Joe reached over and took her hand. She started, but she didn’t pull away. “I know you think you love him.”

  “I do.”

  “Fine, you do. But lives have been ruined for less than love.”

  “You’re talking about sex.”

  Joe winced, but he didn’t look away from her face. He might have learned about sex in the locker room like every other red-blooded American kid of his generation, but he didn’t want his daughter learning about it that way.

  “Yes, I’m talking about sex. You can get in big trouble playing with fire you can’t control.”

  “I guess you are the voice of experience.”

  Ouch. How was he going to work past her latent anger? All he knew was the truth. So he told her that truth and hoped it would be enough.

  “You can be angry at me all you want, Toni. I deserve that. But anger isn’t going to change the facts. I took the easy way out. Your mom and I didn’t get along, and you didn’t seem to need me. I was traveling. I thought I had to make all the money I could before I retired. I was too dumb and too young to realize that I could make money another way, but that I’d never have another chance to be with you while you grew. I’ll have to live with that mistake forever, and I doubt I’ll forgive myself for it. But I wish you could.”

  She stared at him and pain filled her eyes. Joe braced himself, figuring his request for forgiveness was going to be tossed back in his face. Instead, he heard something that hurt him more—and infuriated him all over again.

  “Mom said you didn’t want me. I wasn’t a boy, and you were the kind of guy who wanted a son.”

  “That’s not true, Toni.”

  “Isn’t it? Why do you want a new wife, more kids, if not to get a son?”

  “Is that what you think?”

  Toni dipped her head in acknowledgment.

  “Boys, girls—what’s the difference?”

  “Don’t you know?” Her glance and voice were heavy with sarcasm.

  “I know there’s a difference. What I mean is, I don’t care. I always dreamed of a large family, and I wanted to spend time with my kids. That’s all I want. I wish I’d had more time with you. But I’m here now, and I’m not leaving.”

  Her furtive glance and the sheen in her eyes made him frown. “Did you think I was going to leave you again?”

  She shrugged, but at the same time she nodded. “Mom always did. She paid someone to be with me. Like she couldn’t stand to. Like she couldn’t stand to cook or clean.”

  Joe counted to ten. It would do no good to lose his temper at a dead woman, but oh, how he wanted to. “I’m not like your mom, even though I might have acted that way once. I’ve been waiting years to have you with me. I’m not going anywhere, honey. I want to be with you.”

  She seemed to believe him. At least, she didn’t cry. No wonder she’d been watching him clean and praising his cooking. She figured as long as he did those things, he’d take care of her, too. And when he tired of them, he’d be tired of her. Poor kid.

  “Aren’t you mad at Mom?” she asked.

  Joe glanced at Toni. She looked mad. He didn’t want her to be angry with her mother. They had enough problems already. “She had her reasons. I wasn’t fair to her. I didn’t love her, and I’m sure that made her mad, though I don’t think she loved me, either. It won’t do any good to keep being angry about what’s over and done with. I’ve got you here with me now, and I’ve never been happier.”

  “I feel sorry for you.”

  “Me?” She switched gears so fast that he could almost hear the grind.

  “You’ve never been in love. It’s wonderful. And terrible.”

  “So I’ve heard.”

  “Don’t you want to love someone and have her love you?”

  “Yeah,” he murmured, thinking of Evie.

  Toni got out of the car, then leaned down to glance back in. “You will someday, Dad. Someday soon.”

  Then she slammed the door and ran inside. Joe sat in the car and enjoyed the moment for as long as he could.

  She’d called him “Dad.”

  Toni had a plan, but she needed some help. Adam turned out to be worthless.

  “I am not going to help you fix up my mom and your dad,” he said when she called him later that night.

  He sounded really mad, but for once she didn’t get scared and shy and quiet. This was too important. Besides, Adam had kissed her and told her she was his girl. If he meant it, he would not dump her because she wanted to get their parents together. If he did, then she didn’t need him, anyway.

  She enjoyed the truth of that thought for a while. She loved Adam, and the fact that he cared about her had shown her she could be herself and that was okay. Now that she knew her dad loved her, the weight she’d carried around for years—the fear she could never be good enough for love—had disappeared. Her dad had always loved her, and he always would. He wasn’t going to leave her because he wanted her with him.

  So Toni was not going to make herself miserable anymore, worrying about everyone else. That was too exhausting. She was worth knowing, worth loving; she made a good friend; and those people who allowed her into their lives wouldn’t be sorry. Realizing that truth felt better than anything had in a long time.

  She dropped the subject of their parents with Adam. She had a better idea for a helper, anyway. Someone who liked her dad almost as much as Toni liked Mrs. Vaughn.

  Her plan involved the Oak Grove Founder’s Day Celebration, which would take place next week, near the end of July. There would be a carnival, picnic, all-star games for every level of the league and fireworks. Mrs. Vaughn had made a point of saying how much she loved fireworks and never missed them. Toni was counting on that.

  In the meantime, the end of the baseball season approached. Her dad’s team was in first place in his division, and Toni’s team was in first place in theirs. The interest remained high because of the bet, and the games continued to be packed. Toni no longer worried about her performance. She did her best and that was enough for the team, her coach—even herself, for a change.

  She discovered that when she relaxed and let things happen, they turned out for the best most of the time. Having an encouraging smile and a face she adored peeking through the wires of the catcher’s mask didn’t hurt, either.

  One night the team was far enough ahead that Coach Vaughn took Toni out early and let Todd pitch. Toni and Coach Vaughn had had a few discussions on winning and losing and what those things really meant in life. How had Adam’s mom gotten so smart?

  Though Toni was supposed to sit on the bench and cheer the team, she saw her quarry playing in the dirt underneath the bleachers, and she slipped out of the dugout.

  A whisper, a wink, a few giggles, some noogies to seal the deal, and Toni’s plan was in mo
tion. Her dad and Coach Mom would never know what hit them.

  *

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Adam, where did you say you’d be tonight?” Evie loaded blankets, folding chairs and a cooler into the station wagon. Luckily, she had already dropped the twins at the pre-parade lineup, so she didn’t have to trip over them while she loaded the day’s necessities.

  “Tommy’s,” Adam answered. “He’s having a pool party after the all-star game.”

  Since the temperature had already climbed into the eighties, and the clock had yet to hit ten a.m., the concept of a pool party appealed to Evie a lot. Unfortunately, she hadn’t been invited.

  “What about the fireworks?”

  “His house is right behind the park. We watch them from the pool. It’s awesome.”

  Now that Adam described it, Evie recalled Tommy’s party as an annual do. “What about Toni?”

  “She didn’t want to go.”

  Evie got into the car and glanced at him. “Is that a problem?”

  “No. She said she’d feel funny being the only girl at a pool party.”

  “I can see her point. Did she want you to skip it, too?”

  “No.” He put the car in reverse, glanced over his shoulder and backed out of the drive. “She’s not like that.”

  “Good. You are going to college next year.”

  “So?”

  “Well, she’ll still be here for another year after that.”

  “Get to the issue, Mom.”

  “I don’t want her to make you feel bad about leaving.”

  “Why don’t you just say it? You don’t want her to keep me from going.”

  Adam’s new, and not entirely appealing, attitude was wearing thin. Had she been the one who’d hoped her son would show some healthy teenage rebellion? Somebody slap me.

  “All right,” Evie snapped. “I don’t want her to keep you from going.”

  “She’d never do that.”

  “Great.” Evie folded her arms over her chest and looked out the window, away from her son.

  Since their first big argument, relations remained strained between her and Adam. He wanted to be a kid, but he didn’t want Evie to be a mom. The two ideas did not compute, so Evie was on shaky ground with just about everything she said and did lately. She wasn’t enjoying it.