The Cowboy's Valentine

by Donna Alward

  Or should she stay? Wait for Quinn to wake up, leave first? She turned her head carefully, trying to be perfectly silent. Half of his back was visible above the edge of the sheet, and she gazed at his strong, broad shoulders, slightly freckled skin and a small scar that left a puckered pink mark right in between his shoulder blades. His hair was mussed, pushed to one side, but lying flat in the back.

  A man in her bed. The first man since Carter. And Carter had been the only man since she was twenty.

  She was hardly prolific in the sexual partners area. That wasn’t a bad thing, but it did make last night perhaps slightly more important than it might have been if she tended to be more, well, casual about things.

  He shifted slightly and she froze, but he settled once more, his breathing deep and rhythmic. His body warmed the bed, and her eyes drifted closed again, soaking in the moment. The truth was, she knew Quinn was unavailable. No matter what had happened last night, she knew for him it had just been about sex. Scratching an itch.

  Hadn’t it?

  Carefully, she rolled to her left side, her body curling into the same position as his, but inches away so she wasn’t technically spooning him. She wished she could. Wished she could curl up behind him, wrap her arm around his waist and rest her cheek against his back, drawing on his warmth and strength.

  He’d been a wonderful lover. Attentive, intense, making sure she got her share of pleasure...and she had. More than once. It was funny how arousal took over, plunging them into the moment, where they’d been able to be utterly naked—not just with their bodies, but with their needs and feelings. Completely devoid of false modesty and lacking in self-consciousness.

  There’d been a moment when he’d looked down into her eyes that she’d felt something click. Something she’d never expected to feel again. Tears stung her eyes now as she remembered how things had slowed down, how they’d savored each other. It hadn’t been the rush of frantic sex.

  It had been the slow burn of making love, just as she’d asked. But what Quinn didn’t know was that they weren’t just words to her. She really had made love to him, because she’d gone ahead and fallen in love with him.

  Her throat tightened as she stared at the back of the man she wanted but knew she couldn’t have. Her heart and pride had taken a beating after Carter left, but Quinn’s had been utterly shattered with Marie’s death. She was pretty sure he hadn’t put it back together again, no matter what had happened between them last night. And the reason she knew was because he still wore his wedding ring. For some reason, it made her feel like she’d slept with another woman’s husband. Maybe because, even though Marie was gone, Quinn still wasn’t totally free.

  Knowing she might never have another chance, she slid closer to him, until she was spooning him for real. Once he woke up, the spell would be broken. But even if it was for a few seconds, she wanted to know how it felt. She slid her arm carefully over his hips, curled against his warm body and rested her temple against his shoulder blade, breathing deeply to imprint the scent of him on her brain.

  He sighed.

  She closed her eyes.

  It was several seconds later that he spoke. “Good morning.”

  “Hey,” she answered. She felt exposed, naked beneath the bedding, but she was glad she hadn’t sneaked away, too. These might be the last intimate moments they shared. Even if he thought they might pursue something, she knew that would change if he found out the truth.

  “Some Valentine’s Day, huh?”

  She smiled against the soft skin of his back. “Beats a box of chocolates from the drugstore.”

  He chuckled, the movement brushing his body against hers in strategic places.

  “Are you okay?”

  He was trying to take care of her. Just like he had last night, even when there’d been no need.

  “I’m fine, Quinn.” More than fine.

  He rolled over until he was facing her. There was morning stubble on his face, and she saw what her mom had always called “sleepy tears” in the inside corner of one of his eyes. But he was beautiful. He always had been. The difference was, she’d resented him for it before, especially when he found fault with her.

  He’d certainly sung her praises last night, and she felt heat creep up her cheeks at the recollection.

  “We should probably talk,” he said quietly.

  “I know.” But then he was silent. After an uncomfortable pause, she suggested, “Do you want to go first?”

  His gaze met hers, but she couldn’t read what he was thinking. Not this time. “I should get up and get started on the chores first. Otherwise the boys’ll be knocking on the door wondering what happened to me. That’d be awkward.”

  More awkward than this moment? Probably, she admitted to herself. No one needed to know what had happened here last night.

  “Whatever you want,” she said, trying to smile.

  “Okay.” He leaned closer and kissed the tip of her nose, and then moved away as if leaving the bed. But then he rolled back, braced up on an elbow.

  “Lacey? Last night, when you said you were safe...”

  Oh, God.

  “...I just want to be sure you’re okay.”

  It was a bit late to be sure now that the deed was done. “I’m positive,” she replied, hoping he’d let the matter go. The last thing she wanted to do this morning was drop the bombshell that she couldn’t ever have children. It was painful...and premature.

  He smiled again. “Okay. I’ll see you later?”

  She nodded.

  He slipped from the bed and padded—buck naked—to the bedroom door, scooting across the hall to his own room to get dressed for the day.

  Lacey rolled to her back and stared at the ceiling. What on earth were they going to do now? They couldn’t dance around each other forever, it would only make things tense.

  The conversation she didn’t want to have was inevitable...and necessary. There was no sense in being in denial about anything, because it only masked a truth that would eventually come to light.

  Truth was, she’d let herself fall. For Amber, for Crooked Valley, for the damned town...and for Quinn Solomon most of all.

  Chapter Twelve

  Lacey was able to put off the conversation for several hours. She had a shower, tidied her bedroom and caught a ride into town with Carrie so they could get the proceeds from the benefit from the Silver Dollar safe and deposit it at the bank. Cy had graciously tallied up the entire amount complete with one of his deposit forms so all they had to do was pick it up. Lacey goggled at the total at the bottom. All told, the benefit had raised nearly ten thousand dollars for Quinn and Amber.

  Carrie had a doctor’s appointment, so Lacey offered to take it to the bank herself. Carrie stopped her at the door to the saloon as they were leaving, putting a hand on her arm.

  “Lacey, are you okay today?”

  Lacey looked up at her sister-in-law and friend, and saw real concern marring her normally happy face. “Of course I am.”

  “You’re real quiet this morning.”

  “Just tired after all the excitement of the last few days.” She smiled reassuringly. She hoped.

  “You left your car here last night.”

  “Quinn had been drinking. I offered to drive him home.”

  “In his truck, not your car.”

  It was starting to feel a bit like an inquisition.

  “I guess I thought he might need his truck this morning. For, uh, ranch stuff.”

  Carrie’s eyes were a little too sharp for Lacey’s liking. “How bad is it?”

  “What?” She opened her car door and threw the deposit bag on the passenger seat.

  “You can’t kid a kidder, sweetie. I went through plenty of pains when I fell for your brother. Lots of doubt and indecision.”<
br />
  “Who said anyone’s falling for...anyone?” Cripes, one mention of Quinn and she couldn’t even form a proper sentence.

  “So it’s just sex? You’re not in love with him?”

  Lacey choked on her own spit and started to cough. “Jeez, Carrie. Blunt much?”

  Carrie laughed a little before her face turned dead serious again. “Look, I saw you two dancing last night. I’ve seen the way you light up when you’re together. The way sparks fly off when you argue. It’s...familiar. I just don’t want to see either of you get hurt.”

  “Me, either,” Lacey admitted.

  “And there’s Amber to think of.”

  Lacey thought of Amber asking if she’d be her mommy and her stomach twisted.

  “I didn’t even say we slept together.” She was rather proud how definitively that came out of her mouth.

  “Oh honey, you didn’t have to.” Carrie looked at her with sympathy softening her features. “Are you in love with him?”

  Lacey heaved out a sigh. “I don’t know. And we need to talk, but I’m scared.”

  “He doesn’t know?”

  Carrie didn’t have to elaborate; Lacey understood her meaning. “No. When I said he didn’t need protection, he accepted it at face value.” Her shoulders slumped. “God, he’s really trusting, isn’t he?”

  “That’s the thing, Lace. He’s usually not. But he trusts you. That’s a good sign, right?”

  “Sure. Until I tell him the truth. Of course, he might be spending today trying to find a way to let me down gently. Maybe I should just tell him and let him off the hook.”

  “You think he won’t be interested if he knows you can’t have kids?”

  She didn’t answer, which she figured was answer enough.

  “Do you want to be with him?”

  “I don’t know. I care for him. A lot. Enough that maybe the kindest thing would be to let him go. That way he can find someone he deserves. Someone who can give Amber a brother or sister. Maybe one of each. He’s such a good dad and she’s a great kid. They deserve that...”

  “What a load of horse crap.” Carrie made a disgusted sound.

  “Carrie, I know you’re happy with Duke and everything, but sometimes it’s not that easy.”

  Carrie laughed out loud. “You think we were easy? Oh, my gosh. That’s funny.” She took Lacey’s hands in hers and squeezed before letting them go. “Here’s the thing. You went through hell, and the person who was supposed to be with you through it all bailed. Now you don’t believe anyone will be there for you. But at some point you have to have a little faith, you know?”

  What she was saying made sense. In theory. “I’m afraid my faith is in short supply.”

  Carrie frowned. “Well, don’t give up. That’s all I’m saying. Quinn might surprise you.”

  “Quinn’s still in love with Marie.”

  “Is he? Or does he just think he is because he thinks he should be?”

  All the questions were giving Lacey a headache. “Listen, Dr. Ruth, I’ve got to get to the bank and deposit this cash. And you need to get to your appointment and make sure that baby is doing okay. You can psychoanalyze both of us later.”

  Carrie responded with a lopsided smile. “I know. Duke told me not to interfere. I couldn’t help myself.”

  This time it was Lacey who put her hand on Carrie’s arm. “And I appreciate the thought. Just let us work it out ourselves, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Impulsively Carrie gave Lacey a hug. “You know, I always wanted a sister. Sorry if I get carried away and go overboard.”

  She’d let go and was heading to her old truck when she turned back around. “At least tell me one thing. Was it good?”

  Lacey burst out laughing at the expectant look on Carrie’s face. “That’s for me to know and you to ponder,” she called back, then got into her car. Despite the meddling, she suspected she’d like having a sister of her own, too. Duke had chosen exceptionally well.

  Lacey worked herself up to talking to Quinn when she returned home, but his truck was gone and she found a note saying he’d gone to pick up Amber at his mother’s. Restless, Lacey did a load of laundry and cleaned the upstairs bathrooms just to keep busy. She started the makings of a beef stew, letting the meat simmer with garlic and thyme and some red wine, then poured a small glass for herself that she sipped while making baking powder biscuits. Anything to keep busy and not think too much about what she was going to say when they were finally alone again. Maybe it would be best to just let Quinn guide her. She’d gauge the situation as they went along.

  It was going on five when the truck finally pulled into the yard again. Amber came barreling inside, straight to the kitchen, dropping her overnight backpack on the floor as she rushed to tell Lacey all about the previous day’s party, the Valentine’s cards from her classmates, and her night at Grandma’s.

  “Whoa, slow down, kiddo! Where’s your dad?”

  “He said he was going to look after the chores and then he’d be in for dinner. I’m hungry.”

  Lacey laughed, but her heart gave a bittersweet pang. The more Amber chattered, the more Lacey was sure she had to tell Quinn the truth. It wouldn’t be fair to really start something with him and keep her situation a secret.

  The pan of biscuits came out of the oven and she put them on a rack to cool. Then she eyed the wine bottle again. She might need a bit more liquid courage to get through the hours ahead.

  Quinn came in and washed up for dinner; Amber kept up sufficient chatter about her Valentine’s Day party and her sleepover that Lacey and Quinn were spared having to make much conversation. After dinner, Lacey cleaned up while Quinn took Amber upstairs for her bath and to read stories. By eight o’clock, Lacey was fit to be tied, knowing the conversation was coming and unsure how it would go. Amber was overtired, too, and Lacey could hear a bit of a fuss going on upstairs as Quinn attempted to settle her in bed.

  When he finally came downstairs, he looked exhausted. Maybe they should table talking until there was a better time...

  “Wow,” he said quietly, coming into the kitchen. “She was full of beans tonight.”

  “It sounds like she had an exciting time. And she’s overstimulated and tired all at once.”

  “I know. I gotta say, though, when she starts with the whiny stuff, my patience dwindles pretty quickly.”

  Lacey chuckled and tucked some plastic dishes under the cupboard.

  “Lacey, about last night...”

  Here it comes, she thought. She schooled her face into a polite mask, a light smile with what she hoped was an “it’s all good” expression.

  “Now that Amber’s home, it’s probably not a good idea to...you know. Have a repeat.”

  Right. Discretion and all that. She didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed.

  “Of course. The last thing she needs is more confusion and upset. After what she said the other night...”

  “I’m just not sure that being...open with this is in her best interests right now. You’re really important to her. To us. I just think we need to be careful, you know?”

  Wait, what? Was he actually thinking of pursuing something with her? “Careful?”

  He nodded. Met her gaze evenly, and the attraction to him spun through her core unbidden. All he had to do was look at her like there was nothing else around and she was a goner.

  “Things were hard for Duke and Carrie. I know they’re happy now, but she got pregnant so fast. It was really hard for them at first. I’m not sure what I want, Lacey. Until I know, until we know...”

  She turned away, got down another wineglass, and poured a few ounces of ruby-red liquid in the bottom.

  “Lacey?”

  She gulped down the wine. In her heart she knew it wouldn�
�t make this any easier, but she had to do something. Her hand shook as she put down the glass, the base of it clanking a little too loudly on the countertop.

  “I told you, Quinn, you don’t have to worry about that.” Breathe, she reminded herself. Long, calming breaths.

  “I know. But no method is a hundred percent.”

  She could do this. She had to do this. It was only fair to everyone for her to have full disclosure. “Well, there are a few methods that are.”

  She could have sworn she saw disappointment darken his gaze. “You mean abstinence. You really think last night was a mistake, then?”

  “No!” She replied before she could even consider another response. “Quinn, no. Unless...unless you do.”

  Here she went again. Afraid to voice her own feelings, wants, needs. She’d gotten so used to holding things back, to calculating what to say to keep things from getting worse. She’d done it all the time when she and Carter were struggling, just to keep from having another argument. She was aware that she did it, but not sure how to stop.

  “Let’s go sit down,” he suggested.

  They went to the sofa and she perched on the edge, like a bird on a branch ready to flee at any moment. This was crazy. She was in love with him. Shouldn’t she be throwing her arms around him, ready to explore what might evolve between them? Why couldn’t she allow herself to be happy?

  “Lacey,” he said softly, covering her hand with his own. “What’s wrong?”

  She looked down at their joined hands. Willed the right words to come. Never in a million years had she imagined herself in this position. Not even after that crazy kiss in his office. This was different. Real. Terrifying.

  Sad.

  And that was it, wasn’t it? She was sad. Sad that circumstances were what they were. Sad that nothing could be changed. She’d made peace with it long ago, but that didn’t stop her from feeling like garbage about it.