Our Mutual Friend

by Charles Dickens

  Chapter 14

  CHECKMATE TO THE FRIENDLY MOVE

  Mr and Mrs John Harmon had so timed their taking possession of theirrightful name and their London house, that the event befel on the veryday when the last waggon-load of the last Mound was driven out at thegates of Boffin's Bower. As it jolted away, Mr Wegg felt that thelast load was correspondingly removed from his mind, and hailed theauspicious season when that black sheep, Boffin, was to be closelysheared.

  Over the whole slow process of levelling the Mounds, Silas had keptwatch with rapacious eyes. But, eyes no less rapacious had watched thegrowth of the Mounds in years bygone, and had vigilantly sifted the dustof which they were composed. No valuables turned up. How should therebe any, seeing that the old hard jailer of Harmony Jail had coined everywaif and stray into money, long before?

  Though disappointed by this bare result, Mr Wegg felt too sensiblyrelieved by the close of the labour, to grumble to any great extent.A foreman-representative of the dust contractors, purchasers of theMounds, had worn Mr Wegg down to skin and bone. This supervisor of theproceedings, asserting his employers' rights to cart off by daylight,nightlight, torchlight, when they would, must have been the death ofSilas if the work had lasted much longer. Seeming never to need sleephimself, he would reappear, with a tied-up broken head, in fantail hatand velveteen smalls, like an accursed goblin, at the most unholy anduntimely hours. Tired out by keeping close ward over a long day's workin fog and rain, Silas would have just crawled to bed and be dozing,when a horrid shake and rumble under his pillow would announce anapproaching train of carts, escorted by this Demon of Unrest, to fall towork again. At another time, he would be rumbled up out of his soundestsleep, in the dead of the night; at another, would be kept at his posteight-and-forty hours on end. The more his persecutor besought him notto trouble himself to turn out, the more suspicious was the crafty Weggthat indications had been observed of something hidden somewhere, andthat attempts were on foot to circumvent him. So continually broken washis rest through these means, that he led the life of having wageredto keep ten thousand dog-watches in ten thousand hours, and lookedpiteously upon himself as always getting up and yet never going to bed.So gaunt and haggard had he grown at last, that his wooden leg showeddisproportionate, and presented a thriving appearance in contrastwith the rest of his plagued body, which might almost have been termedchubby.

  However, Wegg's comfort was, that all his disagreeables were now over,and that he was immediately coming into his property. Of late, thegrindstone did undoubtedly appear to have been whirling at his own noserather than Boffin's, but Boffin's nose was now to be sharpened fine.Thus far, Mr Wegg had let his dusty friend off lightly, having beenbaulked in that amiable design of frequently dining with him, by themachinations of the sleepless dustman. He had been constrained to deputeMr Venus to keep their dusty friend, Boffin, under inspection, while hehimself turned lank and lean at the Bower.

  To Mr Venus's museum Mr Wegg repaired when at length the Moundswere down and gone. It being evening, he found that gentleman, as heexpected, seated over his fire; but did not find him, as he expected,floating his powerful mind in tea.

  'Why, you smell rather comfortable here!' said Wegg, seeming to take itill, and stopping and sniffing as he entered.

  'I AM rather comfortable, sir,' said Venus.

  'You don't use lemon in your business, do you?' asked Wegg, sniffingagain.

  'No, Mr Wegg,' said Venus. 'When I use it at all, I mostly use it incobblers' punch.'

  'What do you call cobblers' punch?' demanded Wegg, in a worse humourthan before.

  'It's difficult to impart the receipt for it, sir,' returned Venus,'because, however particular you may be in allotting your materials,so much will still depend upon the individual gifts, and there being afeeling thrown into it. But the groundwork is gin.'

  'In a Dutch bottle?' said Wegg gloomily, as he sat himself down.

  'Very good, sir, very good!' cried Venus. 'Will you partake, sir?'

  'Will I partake?' returned Wegg very surlily. 'Why, of course I will!WILL a man partake, as has been tormented out of his five senses byan everlasting dustman with his head tied up! WILL he, too! As if hewouldn't!'

  'Don't let it put you out, Mr Wegg. You don't seem in your usualspirits.'

  'If you come to that, you don't seem in your usual spirits,' growledWegg. 'You seem to be setting up for lively.'

  This circumstance appeared, in his then state of mind, to give Mr Wegguncommon offence.

  'And you've been having your hair cut!' said Wegg, missing the usualdusty shock.

  'Yes, Mr Wegg. But don't let that put you out, either.'

  'And I am blest if you ain't getting fat!' said Wegg, with culminatingdiscontent. 'What are you going to do next?'

  'Well, Mr Wegg,' said Venus, smiling in a sprightly manner, 'I suspectyou could hardly guess what I am going to do next.'

  'I don't want to guess,' retorted Wegg. 'All I've got to say is, thatit's well for you that the diwision of labour has been what it has been.It's well for you to have had so light a part in this business, whenmine has been so heavy. You haven't had YOUR rest broke, I'll be bound.'

  'Not at all, sir,' said Venus. 'Never rested so well in all my life, Ithank you.'

  'Ah!' grumbled Wegg, 'you should have been me. If you had been me, andhad been fretted out of your bed, and your sleep, and your meals, andyour mind, for a stretch of months together, you'd have been out ofcondition and out of sorts.'

  'Certainly, it has trained you down, Mr Wegg,' said Venus, contemplatinghis figure with an artist's eye. 'Trained you down very low, it has! Soweazen and yellow is the kivering upon your bones, that one might almostfancy you had come to give a look-in upon the French gentleman in thecorner, instead of me.'

  Mr Wegg, glancing in great dudgeon towards the French gentleman'scorner, seemed to notice something new there, which induced him toglance at the opposite corner, and then to put on his glasses and stareat all the nooks and corners of the dim shop in succession.

  'Why, you've been having the place cleaned up!' he exclaimed.

  'Yes, Mr Wegg. By the hand of adorable woman.'

  'Then what you're going to do next, I suppose, is to get married?'

  'That's it, sir.'

  Silas took off his glasses again--finding himself too intenselydisgusted by the sprightly appearance of his friend and partner to beara magnified view of him and made the inquiry:

  'To the old party?'

  'Mr Wegg!' said Venus, with a sudden flush of wrath. 'The lady inquestion is not a old party.'

  'I meant,' exclaimed Wegg, testily, 'to the party as formerly objected?'

  'Mr Wegg,' said Venus, 'in a case of so much delicacy, I must troubleyou to say what you mean. There are strings that must not be playedupon. No sir! Not sounded, unless in the most respectful and tunefulmanner. Of such melodious strings is Miss Pleasant Riderhood formed.'

  'Then it IS the lady as formerly objected?' said Wegg.

  'Sir,' returned Venus with dignity, 'I accept the altered phrase. It isthe lady as formerly objected.'

  'When is it to come off?' asked Silas.

  'Mr Wegg,' said Venus, with another flush. 'I cannot permit it to beput in the form of a Fight. I must temperately but firmly call upon you,sir, to amend that question.'

  'When is the lady,' Wegg reluctantly demanded, constraining his illtemper in remembrance of the partnership and its stock in trade, 'agoing to give her 'and where she has already given her 'art?'

  'Sir,' returned Venus, 'I again accept the altered phrase, and withpleasure. The lady is a going to give her 'and where she has alreadygiven her 'art, next Monday.'

  'Then the lady's objection has been met?' said Silas.

  'Mr Wegg,' said Venus, 'as I did name to you, I think, on a formeroccasion, if not on former occasions--'

  'On former occasions,' interrupted Wegg.

  '--What,' pursued Venus, 'what the nature of the lady's objection was, Imay impart, without violating any o
f the tender confidences since sprungup between the lady and myself, how it has been met, through the kindinterference of two good friends of mine: one, previously acquaintedwith the lady: and one, not. The pint was thrown out, sir, by those twofriends when they did me the great service of waiting on the lady totry if a union betwixt the lady and me could not be brought to bear--thepint, I say, was thrown out by them, sir, whether if, after marriage,I confined myself to the articulation of men, children, and the loweranimals, it might not relieve the lady's mind of her feeling respectingbeing as a lady--regarded in a bony light. It was a happy thought, sir,and it took root.'

  'It would seem, Mr Venus,' observed Wegg, with a touch of distrust,'that you are flush of friends?'

  'Pretty well, sir,' that gentleman answered, in a tone of placidmystery. 'So-so, sir. Pretty well.'

  'However,' said Wegg, after eyeing him with another touch of distrust,'I wish you joy. One man spends his fortune in one way, and another inanother. You are going to try matrimony. I mean to try travelling.'

  'Indeed, Mr Wegg?'

  'Change of air, sea-scenery, and my natural rest, I hope may bring meround after the persecutions I have undergone from the dustman with hishead tied up, which I just now mentioned. The tough job being ended andthe Mounds laid low, the hour is come for Boffin to stump up. Would tento-morrow morning suit you, partner, for finally bringing Boffin's noseto the grindstone?'

  Ten to-morrow morning would quite suit Mr Venus for that excellentpurpose.

  'You have had him well under inspection, I hope?' said Silas.

  Mr Venus had had him under inspection pretty well every day.

  'Suppose you was just to step round to-night then, and give him ordersfrom me--I say from me, because he knows I won't be played with--to beready with his papers, his accounts, and his cash, at that time in themorning?' said Wegg. 'And as a matter of form, which will be agreeableto your own feelings, before we go out (for I'll walk with you part ofthe way, though my leg gives under me with weariness), let's have a lookat the stock in trade.'

  Mr Venus produced it, and it was perfectly correct; Mr Venus undertookto produce it again in the morning, and to keep tryst with Mr Wegg onBoffin's doorstep as the clock struck ten. At a certain point of theroad between Clerkenwell and Boffin's house (Mr Wegg expressly insistedthat there should be no prefix to the Golden Dustman's name) thepartners separated for the night.

  It was a very bad night; to which succeeded a very bad morning. Thestreets were so unusually slushy, muddy, and miserable, in the morning,that Wegg rode to the scene of action; arguing that a man who was, asit were, going to the Bank to draw out a handsome property, could wellafford that trifling expense.

  Venus was punctual, and Wegg undertook to knock at the door, and conductthe conference. Door knocked at. Door opened.

  'Boffin at home?'

  The servant replied that MR Boffin was at home.

  'He'll do,' said Wegg, 'though it ain't what I call him.'

  The servant inquired if they had any appointment?

  'Now, I tell you what, young fellow,' said Wegg, 'I won't have it. Thiswon't do for me. I don't want menials. I want Boffin.'

  They were shown into a waiting-room, where the all-powerful Wegg worehis hat, and whistled, and with his forefinger stirred up a clock thatstood upon the chimneypiece, until he made it strike. In a few minutesthey were shown upstairs into what used to be Boffin's room; which,besides the door of entrance, had folding-doors in it, to make it oneof a suite of rooms when occasion required. Here, Boffin was seated at alibrary-table, and here Mr Wegg, having imperiously motioned the servantto withdraw, drew up a chair and seated himself, in his hat, closebeside him. Here, also, Mr Wegg instantly underwent the remarkableexperience of having his hat twitched off his head and thrown out of awindow, which was opened and shut for the purpose.

  'Be careful what insolent liberties you take in that gentleman'spresence,' said the owner of the hand which had done this, 'or I willthrow you after it.'

  Wegg involuntarily clapped his hand to his bare head, and stared at theSecretary. For, it was he addressed him with a severe countenance, andwho had come in quietly by the folding-doors.

  'Oh!' said Wegg, as soon as he recovered his suspended power of speech.'Very good! I gave directions for YOU to be dismissed. And you ain'tgone, ain't you? Oh! We'll look into this presently. Very good!'

  'No, nor I ain't gone,' said another voice.

  Somebody else had come in quietly by the folding-doors. Turning hishead, Wegg beheld his persecutor, the ever-wakeful dustman, accoutredwith fantail hat and velveteen smalls complete. Who, untying histied-up broken head, revealed a head that was whole, and a face that wasSloppy's.

  'Ha, ha, ha, gentlemen!' roared Sloppy in a peal of laughter, and withimmeasureable relish. 'He never thought as I could sleep standing, andoften done it when I turned for Mrs Higden! He never thought as I usedto give Mrs Higden the Police-news in different voices! But I did leadhim a life all through it, gentlemen, I hope I really and truly DID!'Here, Mr Sloppy opening his mouth to a quite alarming extent, andthrowing back his head to peal again, revealed incalculable buttons.

  'Oh!' said Wegg, slightly discomfited, but not much as yet: 'one and oneis two not dismissed, is it? Bof--fin! Just let me ask a question. Whoset this chap on, in this dress, when the carting began? Who employedthis fellow?'

  'I say!' remonstrated Sloppy, jerking his head forward. 'No fellows, orI'll throw you out of winder!'

  Mr Boffin appeased him with a wave of his hand, and said: 'I employedhim, Wegg.'

  'Oh! You employed him, Boffin? Very good. Mr Venus, we raise our terms,and we can't do better than proceed to business. Bof--fin! I want theroom cleared of these two scum.'

  'That's not going to be done, Wegg,' replied Mr Boffin, sittingcomposedly on the library-table, at one end, while the Secretary satcomposedly on it at the other.

  'Bof--fin! Not going to be done?' repeated Wegg. 'Not at your peril?'

  'No, Wegg,' said Mr Boffin, shaking his head good-humouredly. 'Not at myperil, and not on any other terms.'

  Wegg reflected a moment, and then said: 'Mr Venus, will you be so goodas hand me over that same dockyment?'

  'Certainly, sir,' replied Venus, handing it to him with much politeness.'There it is. Having now, sir, parted with it, I wish to make a smallobservation: not so much because it is anyways necessary, or expressesany new doctrine or discovery, as because it is a comfort to my mind.Silas Wegg, you are a precious old rascal.'

  Mr Wegg, who, as if anticipating a compliment, had been beatingtime with the paper to the other's politeness until this unexpectedconclusion came upon him, stopped rather abruptly.

  'Silas Wegg,' said Venus, 'know that I took the liberty of taking MrBoffin into our concern as a sleeping partner, at a very early period ofour firm's existence.'

  'Quite true,' added Mr Boffin; 'and I tested Venus by making him apretended proposal or two; and I found him on the whole a very honestman, Wegg.'

  'So Mr Boffin, in his indulgence, is pleased to say,' Venus remarked:'though in the beginning of this dirt, my hands were not, for a fewhours, quite as clean as I could wish. But I hope I made early and fullamends.'

  'Venus, you did,' said Mr Boffin. 'Certainly, certainly, certainly.'

  Venus inclined his head with respect and gratitude. 'Thank you, sir.I am much obliged to you, sir, for all. For your good opinion now, foryour way of receiving and encouraging me when I first put myself incommunication with you, and for the influence since so kindly broughtto bear upon a certain lady, both by yourself and by Mr John Harmon.' Towhom, when thus making mention of him, he also bowed.

  Wegg followed the name with sharp ears, and the action with sharp eyes,and a certain cringing air was infusing itself into his bullying air,when his attention was re-claimed by Venus.

  'Everything else between you and me, Mr Wegg,' said Venus, 'now explainsitself, and you can now make out, sir, without further words from me.But totally to prevent any unpleasantness
or mistake that might arise onwhat I consider an important point, to be made quite clear at the closeof our acquaintance, I beg the leave of Mr Boffin and Mr John Harmon torepeat an observation which I have already had the pleasure of bringingunder your notice. You are a precious old rascal!'

  'You are a fool,' said Wegg, with a snap of his fingers, 'and I'd havegot rid of you before now, if I could have struck out any way of doingit. I have thought it over, I can tell you. You may go, and welcome. Youleave the more for me. Because, you know,' said Wegg, dividing his nextobservation between Mr Boffin and Mr Harmon, 'I am worth my price, andI mean to have it. This getting off is all very well in its way, and ittells with such an anatomical Pump as this one,' pointing out Mr Venus,'but it won't do with a Man. I am here to be bought off, and I havenamed my figure. Now, buy me, or leave me.'

  'I'll leave you, Wegg,' said Mr Boffin, laughing, 'as far as I amconcerned.'

  'Bof--fin!' replied Wegg, turning upon him with a severe air, 'Iunderstand YOUR new-born boldness. I see the brass underneath YOURsilver plating. YOU have got YOUR nose out of joint. Knowing that you'venothing at stake, you can afford to come the independent game. Why,you're just so much smeary glass to see through, you know! But Mr Harmonis in another sitiwation. What Mr Harmon risks, is quite another pairof shoes. Now, I've heerd something lately about this being MrHarmon--I make out now, some hints that I've met on that subject inthe newspaper--and I drop you, Bof--fin, as beneath my notice. I ask MrHarmon whether he has any idea of the contents of this present paper?'

  'It is a will of my late father's, of more recent date than the willproved by Mr Boffin (address whom again, as you have addressed himalready, and I'll knock you down), leaving the whole of his propertyto the Crown,' said John Harmon, with as much indifference as wascompatible with extreme sternness.

  'Bight you are!' cried Wegg. 'Then,' screwing the weight of his bodyupon his wooden leg, and screwing his wooden head very much on one side,and screwing up one eye: 'then, I put the question to you, what's thispaper worth?'

  'Nothing,' said John Harmon.

  Wegg had repeated the word with a sneer, and was entering on somesarcastic retort, when, to his boundless amazement, he found himselfgripped by the cravat; shaken until his teeth chattered; shoved back,staggering, into a corner of the room; and pinned there.

  'You scoundrel!' said John Harmon, whose seafaring hold was like that ofa vice.

  'You're knocking my head against the wall,' urged Silas faintly.

  'I mean to knock your head against the wall,' returned John Harmon,suiting his action to his words, with the heartiest good will; 'and I'dgive a thousand pounds for leave to knock your brains out. Listen, youscoundrel, and look at that Dutch bottle.'

  Sloppy held it up, for his edification.

  'That Dutch bottle, scoundrel, contained the latest will of the manywills made by my unhappy self-tormenting father. That will giveseverything absolutely to my noble benefactor and yours, Mr Boffin,excluding and reviling me, and my sister (then already dead of a brokenheart), by name. That Dutch bottle was found by my noble benefactor andyours, after he entered on possession of the estate. That Dutch bottledistressed him beyond measure, because, though I and my sister wereboth no more, it cast a slur upon our memory which he knew we haddone nothing in our miserable youth, to deserve. That Dutch bottle,therefore, he buried in the Mound belonging to him, and there it laywhile you, you thankless wretch, were prodding and poking--often verynear it, I dare say. His intention was, that it should never see thelight; but he was afraid to destroy it, lest to destroy such a document,even with his great generous motive, might be an offence at law. Afterthe discovery was made here who I was, Mr Boffin, still restless on thesubject, told me, upon certain conditions impossible for such a hound asyou to appreciate, the secret of that Dutch bottle. I urged upon him thenecessity of its being dug up, and the paper being legally produced andestablished. The first thing you saw him do, and the second thing hasbeen done without your knowledge. Consequently, the paper now rattlingin your hand as I shake you--and I should like to shake the life outof you--is worth less than the rotten cork of the Dutch bottle, do youunderstand?'

  Judging from the fallen countenance of Silas as his head waggedbackwards and forwards in a most uncomfortable manner, he didunderstand.

  'Now, scoundrel,' said John Harmon, taking another sailor-like turn onhis cravat and holding him in his corner at arms' length, 'I shall maketwo more short speeches to you, because I hope they will torment you.Your discovery was a genuine discovery (such as it was), for nobody hadthought of looking into that place. Neither did we know you had made it,until Venus spoke to Mr Boffin, though I kept you under good observationfrom my first appearance here, and though Sloppy has long made itthe chief occupation and delight of his life, to attend you like yourshadow. I tell you this, that you may know we knew enough of you topersuade Mr Boffin to let us lead you on, deluded, to the last possiblemoment, in order that your disappointment might be the heaviest possibledisappointment. That's the first short speech, do you understand?'

  Here, John Harmon assisted his comprehension with another shake.

  'Now, scoundrel,' he pursued, 'I am going to finish. You supposed mejust now, to be the possessor of my father's property.--So I am. Butthrough any act of my father's, or by any right I have? No. Through themunificence of Mr Boffin. The conditions that he made with me, beforeparting with the secret of the Dutch bottle, were, that I should takethe fortune, and that he should take his Mound and no more. I oweeverything I possess, solely to the disinterestedness, uprightness,tenderness, goodness (there are no words to satisfy me) of Mr and MrsBoffin. And when, knowing what I knew, I saw such a mud-worm as youpresume to rise in this house against this noble soul, the wonder is,'added John Harmon through his clenched teeth, and with a very ugly turnindeed on Wegg's cravat, 'that I didn't try to twist your head off,and fling THAT out of window! So. That's the last short speech, do youunderstand?'

  Silas, released, put his hand to his throat, cleared it, and looked asif he had a rather large fishbone in that region. Simultaneously withthis action on his part in his corner, a singular, and on the surfacean incomprehensible, movement was made by Mr Sloppy: who began backingtowards Mr Wegg along the wall, in the manner of a porter or heaver whois about to lift a sack of flour or coals.

  'I am sorry, Wegg,' said Mr Boffin, in his clemency, 'that my old ladyand I can't have a better opinion of you than the bad one we are forcedto entertain. But I shouldn't like to leave you, after all said anddone, worse off in life than I found you. Therefore say in a word,before we part, what it'll cost to set you up in another stall.'

  'And in another place,' John Harmon struck in. 'You don't come outsidethese windows.'

  'Mr Boffin,' returned Wegg in avaricious humiliation: 'when I first hadthe honour of making your acquaintance, I had got together a collectionof ballads which was, I may say, above price.'

  'Then they can't be paid for,' said John Harmon, 'and you had better nottry, my dear sir.'

  'Pardon me, Mr Boffin,' resumed Wegg, with a malignant glance in thelast speaker's direction, 'I was putting the case to you, who, if mysenses did not deceive me, put the case to me. I had a very choicecollection of ballads, and there was a new stock of gingerbread in thetin box. I say no more, but would rather leave it to you.'

  'But it's difficult to name what's right,' said Mr Boffin uneasily, withhis hand in his pocket, 'and I don't want to go beyond what's right,because you really have turned out such a very bad fellow. So artful,and so ungrateful you have been, Wegg; for when did I ever injure you?'

  'There was also,' Mr Wegg went on, in a meditative manner, 'a errandconnection, in which I was much respected. But I would not wish to bedeemed covetous, and I would rather leave it to you, Mr Boffin.'

  'Upon my word, I don't know what to put it at,' the Golden Dustmanmuttered.

  'There was likewise,' resumed Wegg, 'a pair of trestles, for which alonea Irish person, who was deemed a judge of trestles, offered five a
ndsix--a sum I would not hear of, for I should have lost by it--and therewas a stool, a umbrella, a clothes-horse, and a tray. But I leave it toyou, Mr Boffin.'

  The Golden Dustman seeming to be engaged in some abstruse calculation,Mr Wegg assisted him with the following additional items.

  'There was, further, Miss Elizabeth, Master George, Aunt Jane, and UncleParker. Ah! When a man thinks of the loss of such patronage as that;when a man finds so fair a garden rooted up by pigs; he finds it hardindeed, without going high, to work it into money. But I leave it whollyto you, sir.'

  Mr Sloppy still continued his singular, and on the surface hisincomprehensible, movement.

  'Leading on has been mentioned,' said Wegg with a melancholy air, 'andit's not easy to say how far the tone of my mind may have been loweredby unwholesome reading on the subject of Misers, when you was leading meand others on to think you one yourself, sir. All I can say is, thatI felt my tone of mind a lowering at the time. And how can a man put aprice upon his mind! There was likewise a hat just now. But I leave theole to you, Mr Boffin.'

  'Come!' said Mr Boffin. 'Here's a couple of pound.'

  'In justice to myself, I couldn't take it, sir.'

  The words were but out of his mouth when John Harmon lifted his finger,and Sloppy, who was now close to Wegg, backed to Wegg's back, stooped,grasped his coat collar behind with both hands, and deftly swung himup like the sack of flour or coals before mentioned. A countenance ofspecial discontent and amazement Mr Wegg exhibited in this position,with his buttons almost as prominently on view as Sloppy's own, andwith his wooden leg in a highly unaccommodating state. But, not for manyseconds was his countenance visible in the room; for, Sloppy lightlytrotted out with him and trotted down the staircase, Mr Venus attendingto open the street door. Mr Sloppy's instructions had been to deposithis burden in the road; but, a scavenger's cart happening to standunattended at the corner, with its little ladder planted against thewheel, Mr S. found it impossible to resist the temptation of shooting MrSilas Wegg into the cart's contents. A somewhat difficult feat, achievedwith great dexterity, and with a prodigious splash.