by Lucy Knott
‘Will you be there too, Bella?’ I ask, turning to Bella next to me, her brown eyes wide. Since I met Bella her eyes always seem alight with wonder, and now I feel my own matching hers.
‘Not tonight – I have Poppy and Evan with me. But you’re in for a treat; Em will blow your mind,’ Bella says with great enthusiasm. Madi chokes on her water and I can’t help but smirk. I avoid eye contact so as to not make anything awkward in front of my parents; no matter how close and open both Madi and I are with them, talking sex around the table is not something either of us want to partake in. I chance a side-glance at Em and notice her blush. I’m pleased that she doesn’t look horrified, instead bearing the same mischievous glint in her eye that is currently present in my best friend’s.
I turn my attention away from thoughts of matchmaking and back to Bella. ‘Who are Poppy and Evan?’ I ask, hoping I don’t sound too nosy.
Bella seems delighted by my question and turns to face me, putting her knee up on the bench so she can fully engage. ‘They are the most beautiful little things. I look after them from time to time when their foster carers are in need of a break. I’ve been doing so since they were two years old and they’ve just grown so much. They’re four now and a lively pair. Oh, you’ll have to meet them, they’d get a kick out of your British accent,’ Bella says, reaching for my hands. The passion in her voice makes something stir in my gut and a shiver of goose bumps cover my arms.
Before I have time to ask another question, our food arrives and Bella turns to dig in. My stomach grumbles its gratitude to the server and I automatically bring a chip to my lips and chomp on it while my brain is processing what Bella just told me. The others are all tucking into the food, happily in conversation with one another when I crouch down and lower my voice to Bella. I’m not quite sure why I don’t wish for the others to hear my question.
‘You’re a foster carer?’ I ask, curiosity and intrigue bursting inside me.
Bella swallows a bite of her halloumi burger, then looks at me. Her eyes remain bright but there is now something in them that again connects with whatever is having a field day in my gut – understanding, love, support, I can’t put my finger on it, but my heart is skipping a couple of beats a minute as I wait for her to answer.
‘I am, yes. Well, not a full-time foster carer. I’m a respite carer, so I look after the children whenever their main carers need a rest. Poppy and Evan’s foster parents are having a Christmas dinner party, so the kids are coming to stay with me,’ she answers and slowly turns away to take another bite of her burger. Although I’m starving, I’m not ready for my food yet. I have more questions.
‘What’s that like?’ I ask, pushing a chip around on my plate, not wanting to freak Bella out by staring at her while she eats.
Bella wipes her mouth with a napkin. ‘It’s lovely. We play, we do activities, we just have loads of fun. There is quiet time too—’ she laughs ‘—but it’s just about giving them love and taking care of them the best I can to get them through this transitional time in their lives.’ She stops, and a small smile appears at the corner of her mouth. She places a hand on my forearm. ‘I’ll bring them around tomorrow afternoon, and you can meet them,’ she says softly.
The fluttering settles in my gut and I turn to demolish the food before me all while my mind is acknowledging each fear I have faced today; trying my hand at snowboarding again and opening up with Hayley and now engaging in talk of kids. OK, so I’ve not quite admitted my desire to have them but I’m asking questions and don’t feel the need to cry. It’s a brilliant start. Staring into the golden-brown chips before me, I smile – a smile that crinkles my nose and makes dimples form at my cheeks. Then my mum’s mantra pops into my head: I am the sun, the moon and the stars. Is the universe speaking to me?
I lean back in the booth, twirling a chip between my fingers and catch Madi’s eyes. She’s looking at me, grinning, her blue eyes all-knowing.
Chapter 10
I feel a hand nudge against mine as it tugs at the blanket I have wrapped around me and I make to shove it away. Stretching my arms out to the sides of me, my palm makes contact with pouty lips, a nose and perfect cheekbones. I shove Madi the blanket snatcher more gently until she groans. She is attempting to rattle me awake with one hand, yet she remains lying next to me, grasping for more blanket, looking snug, making no attempt to move herself. She eventually swats my hand out of her face and announces, ‘We must get up, it’s nearly midnight.’
At her words, I throw off the blanket causing Madi to roll off the couch onto the rug with a light thud. I hear a very matter-of-fact ‘ouch’ before she slowly rises from the floor and walks sloth-like to the door where I am now holding out her pink ski jacket.
‘Come on, Mads, it will be fun. I haven’t been to my yoga classes for ages and I’ve missed it so much. I can’t believe Em is a yoga instructor.’ At the mention of Em, Madi’s pace picks up, and we are soon out the door. Thankfully the sky is clear and the forecast said there should be no more snowfall for the rest of the night. It’s still difficult to navigate the mountains in the dark, but the Christmas lights adorning every house help to light our way.
Dad pointed out which paths we would need to take when we walked home earlier after an incredible time on the slopes. I’d impressed my dad with my newfound snowboarding skills and walked around with a spring in my step all afternoon. I need to will some of that spring back into my step at such an ungodly hour. Madi and I are definitely not night owls, but the cold air is helping to keep my tired eyes open. It doesn’t take too long before we reach our destination.
A little bit further into the pine tree forest is a clearing. I can already make out people gathering together, and mats being raised into the air and then brought back down to be placed neatly on the snow-covered ground. It hasn’t occurred to me before now that I’ve never heard people talk about doing yoga in below-zero temperatures. Hot yoga yes, cold yoga, not so much. Can this really be good for you?
We walk closer and I see torches illuminating the yoga circle. However, the trees have begun to thin out and in their place are what look to be hot tubs buried in the ground. I gasp.
‘Pretty, aren’t they?’ Ariana says, coming out of the shadows and into view. A tall and very muscly gentleman is standing with her. They both have towels thrown over their shoulders and are wearing tank tops. Ariana has toned arms and looks incredibly svelte in her yoga pants. I suddenly feel overdressed in my giant ski jacket.
‘This place is gorgeous,’ I agree, slightly breathless. ‘Where are we?’ I ask, unable to help myself. I feel like I’ve stepped through a portal and fairies will be making their grand entrance anytime now.
‘It’s aptly called Pine Springs – we’re surrounded by hot springs, you see. The trees are our way of keeping this place more sacred for the locals. You can find hot springs all over the place in Colorado and they attract tourists like sugar attracts bees. It’s nice to keep something for ourselves and have some privacy,’ Em explains, stepping out from behind the mountain of a man with Ariana. I don’t mean to judge but this man seems more like a professional bodybuilder than a yogi.
I take my eyes off the muscly man with short brown hair and bright green eyes and listen to Em. She too is wearing a tank top and yoga pants. I hesitate for a second, worried that I am going to freeze to death the minute I take my jacket off, yet I can already feel the beads of sweat forming on my brow.
‘It’s beautiful,’ Madi replies, looking around and taking it all in. I notice two small fires up ahead and the steam is billowing from the springs. I feel as though I’m in a sauna with the amount of clothes I am wearing.
‘Everyone here is really friendly; it’s only a small group, but you can stick with Ari and Jake if you’d like. We’ll be starting in a minute,’ Em says.
Jake gives us both a handshake and a cheery hello.
‘It’s lovely to meet you, Jake. We’ve heard nothing but great things and your mulled wine is exceptional,’ I
inform him when he shakes my hand. OK, so I know Jake is a chef, but he has to moonlight as a wrestler because the man is huge. I can’t picture him doing the warrior pose. I can suddenly feel my face getting hotter and hotter. I need to find a spot and be rid of this heavy jacket and my furry snow boots.
‘Ahh, Jake. The yoga would make sense, given the things that Ariana has told us.’ I can’t quite believe Madi just said that out loud, but then again it is Madi. I daren’t look at her. Jake looks at Ariana and winks. Em has her arm around Madi’s shoulders and hasn’t batted a single eyelash.
‘All about flexibility. Can’t let her do all the work, have to do my bit too, hey.’ Jake’s voice is deep and playful. He puts his arm around Ariana and pulls her close to him in a suggestive manner.
‘Amen to that,’ Madi says, while Em shoves Jake and adds in a teasing tone, ‘None of that during the class please.’ Ariana simply tuts and kisses his cheek before finding her mat.
Em and Madi stay close while we’re talking, an elbow touching the other’s, hands brushing, until it’s time for Em to take her spot front and centre and Madi and I find ourselves an empty space right in front, not far from the fires. I finally free myself from my ski jacket, but I’m still wearing a long-sleeve top. Madi is wearing her cropped red gym top, one that complements her Fifties pin-up look to perfection. Her hair is wrapped up in her favourite polka dot headscarf and out of her face. It’s hard not to notice Em clear her throat when Madi steps up to her mat and starts to stretch, her black yoga pants clinging to her figure in all the right places. I really, really hope I don’t faint and plunge into a hot spring because I can’t guarantee that either Madi or Em would be able to peel their eyes off each other to notice and rescue me.
I hasten to spin my loosely braided hair into a topknot on my head, so I don’t get tangled in it during the yoga poses and then I begin to stretch. My body instantly loosens up to the movements I make, recognizing each one, happy for its reintroduction into my life. The tightness in my chest evaporates as Em calls out each pose and guides us through. I close my eyes and can faintly hear the bubbles of the hot springs and the hoot of an owl in the distance. I stretch into cobra position and exhale my breath, releasing the negative energy stored in my bones.
Occasionally I feel a slight chill as the breeze whips through the steam and the heat of the fire making my body tingle. But my mind is focused on my breathing and feeling the strength in my muscles as I hold each pose to Em’s count. I’m sweating from head to toe.
As we move from one pose to the next and I find myself lying on my back, I open my eyes and, in an instant, they are filled with moisture. My breath catches as the golden stars twinkle down at me. They are alive and sparkling. I feel as though any second they could shower down on me, sprinkling me in tiny specks of gold dust there are so many of them. It looks like a bag of glitter exploded in the sky. The moon is clear and bathing our circle in its pearly glow. I feel like I’ve stepped out of who I was and have become someone new under its watchful eye. The toxins flowing through my veins, all the negative, draining thoughts that have been sinking their way into my skin, sucking away my good vibes, are perspiring off me. I close my eyes under Em’s instruction and focus on my breathing once more. I watch my thoughts swim by, homing in to the bubbles, the slight rustling of the pines and the group’s gentle breathing.
I’ve not felt this good in forever. I open my eyes again and the tears return. The view is out of this world. I can vaguely hear Em announce that it’s the end of class, but I don’t wish to move. I want to sleep under these stars. I want the moon to watch over me. I lie still with my hands on my stomach feeling it move up and down with slow and concentrated breaths. It’s been a while since I’ve been this connected to myself, since my breathing has worked with me and not against me. I want to savour it.
I don’t know how long Madi indulges my need. I can only assume she is now wide awake and deep in conversation with Em somewhere. When I finally do roll on to my stomach, only getting caught the once on the rebellious strands of my hair that have escaped my topknot, everyone is gone except Em, Madi, Ariana and Jake.
I blink myself back to reality before Jake’s face comes into view. He’s bending down in front of me with his arm outstretched and a broad handsome smile on his rugged face.
‘So, what did you think?’ he asks. I take the offer of his hand and he gently pulls me to my feet. I nod my appreciation of this kind gesture before replying.
‘It was incredible. I’ve never done anything like this before; it’s invigorating,’ I say, somewhat breathlessly. Bella was right: Em blew me away.
‘Despite what the others might say …’ he starts, his voice softer now, almost shy – looking at him I notice him blushing ever so lightly, or that could just be the heat from the hot springs. ‘… The yoga helps with the aches and pains of being hunched over a kitchen counter and being on my feet for such long hours. The view is a welcome change from the sterile kitchen walls, I must admit.’ I release a breath, relaxing now, safe in the knowledge that the conversation has veered away from any talk of flexibility. Jake must read my face as he laughs when my brow unfurrows.
‘I know how you feel, except I spend all day hunched over a laptop and there’s a perfect indentation of my butt in my couch …’ Jake raises his eyebrow and now it’s my turn to blush, but he laughs and glosses over it, for which I am grateful. The only butt he should be thinking of is Ariana’s. ‘Stretching does wonders. I used to do classes regularly back home, but this is literally a welcome breath of fresh air,’ I say, looking around and taking in the magical feel of my surroundings.
‘You’re the writer, right? From London?’ Jake queries, patting his face down with his towel as I try to tame my mane in another bun, but fail miserably. My bobble isn’t strong enough to hold its weight.
‘I am, yes, so as you can imagine I don’t get many views like this on the daily; it’s more brick buildings, looming towers and traffic – some of those beautiful in their own way, but this is more up my alley,’ I reply with a laugh.
‘Who’s up your alley?’ Em’s voice questions from behind, making me jump. Jake rolls his eyes and reaches over my head ruffling Em’s bleach-blonde hair. I turn around and catch the cheeky glint in her eye. She doesn’t seem fazed by Jake’s behaviour, she simply blows away the hair that has fallen in her face, like she’s used to it, like it’s routine with them. ‘We’re going for a dip – are you two in?’
‘Sure,’ I say. ‘Your class was amazing, Em, thank you for inviting us.’
‘No problem, I’m glad you could make it. We’re two hot springs to the right of that pine,’ she replies, turning to point at one of the giant trees. I squint; they all look the same. I shove my feet in my boots in a rush to follow her, as she punches Jake in the arm and adds, ‘Don’t get lost,’ before briskly walking away.
Jake doesn’t register the punch to the arm. His bicep is five times the size of mine and all defined muscle. I’d be surprised if he felt it. ‘She’s punched me countless times over the years. I’m numb to it now,’ he says, seemingly reading my mind. I chuckle, grab my coat, and start walking in the direction Em went in. Jake walks alongside me.
‘You and Em remind me of me and Madi. I can’t quite believe Mads has met her match in the bold and feisty department,’ I say glancing at Jake with a smirk.
‘Argh, well, Em has been my best friend since we were three, and bold, she has always been,’ Jake tells me through a laugh. That would explain their easy-going attitudes towards each other. ‘There’s not much we keep from each other and yes that means I get to hear way more than I’d care to hear at times, but I can’t pretend I don’t feel honoured that she comes to me.’ His green eyes sparkle when he talks about Em. He has his hands casually tucked into his short pockets as we walk; this mountain of a man so casual and chilled. I let out a laugh.
‘I like her,’ I say with a nod.
‘So, what’s your story, Harper?’ There’s somethi
ng about Jake that makes me feel safe, like I can open up and he will listen. ‘Erm, well, this time last Christmas my husband left me, and then I found out he had been having an affair. I’m here in Colorado to find myself again or possibly re-create myself, I’m not sure. Maybe a mixture of both.’ I breathe out and realize we have stopped walking. Jake has his hands on my shoulders; he’s leaning down to look me in the eye.
‘I’m sorry to hear about your husband. That is a dick move.’ Jake’s tone is calming and kind. I can feel my heart rate slowing down, having not been aware it had picked up with my confession. ‘How is the finding yourself going?’
He still hasn’t broken eye contact and though I have some fear making me want to retreat in on myself, he challenges me to keep my gaze. I squint my eyes in thought, then glance around at the trees and the snow-covered ground. ‘I’d say it’s not without its ups and downs, but it’s going well. I love it here. Madi was right to suggest we get out of London. It took me a year to do it but now I can see why I needed it so much.’
‘I’m glad to hear it. There’s so much natural beauty here – you will find what you’re looking for,’ Jake says, pulling me into a hug. ‘And truly, I really am sorry to hear about your husband – on behalf of me and my fellow men, I’m sorry. He sounds like a coward.’
It’s a welcome feeling to be cared for and I relax in his hug for a moment. In his hug, I feel calm, like he’s a big brother protecting me, the same way he would Em.
‘Thanks for that and for the confidence booster,’ I say, genuinely touched. ‘There’s certainly a lot of love out here. You guys are lovely,’ I add as Jake drapes his arm over my shoulder and we start moving again.
‘Of course. We’re surrounded by love in many forms every day – friendships,’ he says, moving his arm away from my shoulder and gently shoving me like I’d seen him do with Em. I chuckle. ‘Family, the love we have for our work, for nature and don’t forget the most important love of all that’s inside you and you must harness every day.’