by Lucy Knott
‘No, no, I just needed a walk and somehow ended up here. The mountains look so pretty … I was just wandering,’ I stutter and start to back up again. It’s hard to make a quick getaway with all the bodies around me. I’m barely a few inches away from her when Hayley takes one stride forward and casually places her arm around my shoulders, that teasing smirk back on her beautiful face.
‘I don’t believe that for a second,’ she whispers in my ear, before saying aloud to the group: ‘Harper’s come all this way to snowboard and snowboard she shall. She’s on our team this morning.’ Then she winks at me.
OK, universe, our plan is back on. It’s time to step out of my comfort zone and try not to mortify myself in front of hundreds of professional skiers and snowboarders. I gulp.
*
I’m currently revelling in a new record I have set for myself; I have been snowboarding alongside Hayley for the past forty fir trees, three drop-offs on the ski lift, and I have yet to trip, stumble or eat snow. The feel of the wind whipping in my face, the smell of pine trees and the sound of my fellow skiers swooshing by – as they are going a tad faster than me – is exhilarating. Every bone in my body is alive, albeit aching and screaming, but alive.
The bottom of the hill is in sight. We’re zooming towards it, Hayley a board length in front of me. I’m watching her as she glides smoothly along the snow, her knees slightly bent, completely at ease on her board. When we come to a stop, I simply gaze at her in awe.
‘You’re incredible,’ I say enthusiastically, adrenaline pumping through my veins. Hayley slows down and falls back into line with me. She tilts her head in my direction, so I can just make out her blue eyes twinkling through her goggles. She pulls her scarf away from her lips, puckering them in thought, as if she has just put lip gloss on.
‘I can say the same about you.’ She pauses, looking at me inquisitively. I feel there is more she wants to say. After a moment she opens her mouth again. ‘You said you and your husband split a year ago, but I feel like there’s more to the story of you finding yourself again. If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?’ Hayley asks. After her admission around the table the previous night, I know she is someone that will understand my pain, after finding her boyfriend cheating on her; more importantly, I feel like she needs me to open up, and that we can help each other.
I lift my goggles, blink back the bright white of the snow and take a deep breath. ‘We were married for six years, together for eight. We were lovely and settled in a beautiful house, with great jobs, but apparently, I wasn’t giving him all he needed. I found out he’d been having an affair a few weeks after he walked out claiming he just wanted a break, and that was that really. I had fought for our marriage up until that point, but the affair was too much. When I called him out on it, I realized that I was the only one fighting, that he wasn’t sorry I’d found out and didn’t care. I stopped reaching out to him after that. I never did get all the answers. He never looked back. I guess once it was out, he was free to move on and be with the woman he loves.’
Hayley is quiet as she listens to my story. Surprisingly, the words don’t sting as much as they used to when I speak them, and I feel my shoulders rise and fall with a shrug; it happened, it’s OK, it’s in the past now. It doesn’t seem as bad with my current view and happiness zipping through my bones from the run we’ve just completed.
Hayley contemplates my words for a moment, coming to a complete standstill on the small platform before the hills dip and trail off again winding around fir trees and pines.
‘How did you get over him?’ she then asks. My mind had been miles away from Scott while racing down the slope, which is one of the reasons I wanted to come up here today. When I’m snowboarding, I feel free, but this isn’t so much about me; this is about Hayley and how I can help her.
I let out a low but considerate laugh and touch her elbow.
‘Honestly,’ I start, ‘I’m not entirely sure I’m over him, or maybe I am over him but it’s a touch trickier to get over the marks he left behind, if that makes sense? The anxiety, the nagging insecurities, they tend to plague me when I least expect it, but hey, I’m getting through it every day that’s for sure. Do they get you too?’
Hayley reaches down and unclips her boots from her board. I follow suit. We’re stood in a precarious spot and could be bowled over by swooping skiers if we’re not careful. As though we’re crossing a road, we look behind us and when it’s clear, trudge over towards the trees lining the edge of the slope; there, we lean our boards against a thick pine.
Hayley sits first, removing her goggles before resting her elbows on her knees. I don’t push her to speak, I simply take a seat next to her letting her know I’m here when she’s ready. I have a feeling Hayley is a lot like my dad and that she saves herself for a few people; that’s probably why they get on so well.
‘They sure do. Uh, it’s been seven months now and I can’t seem to shake the vision of finding them together in our bed, but admittedly the image does get fuzzier each day.’ She pauses, dusting a little snow off her boot. ‘And it’s not him I miss, it’s myself. Those doubts and insecurities you talk about, they just come out of nowhere when I least expect them. I think maybe because the whole thing was so utterly random and caught me off guard, I’m so fearful of being happy – like what else is going to happen?’
I huddle up closer to Hayley, so we’re sat with puffy coats crinkling as they touch. That randomness and being caught off guard, I know too well.
‘Honestly, it sucks,’ I say and then pause trying to find the right words to comfort Hayley. I push around some of the tiny snowflakes that have settled on my thigh. ‘It’s going to take time, hon,’ I start again, feeling too inadequate to give advice; having to resort back to Madi and my dad’s words of wisdom for guidance. ‘I guess the best thing you can do is not dwell on it. You’re out here living your life; inspiring people, making them forget their worries for hours and making them believe that anything is possible. Hey, you got me standing upright on my board after one day – that’s a pretty big accomplishment.’ I nudge her gently; she smirks.
‘I love it out here. I’ve been coming up to these mountains since I could walk,’ she says wistfully gazing out across the landscape where a wave of skiers and snowboarders flash by us. ‘Teaching people and watching their love for the slopes grow, it’s what I live for. You know, you’ve got some natural ability in you, so you shouldn’t doubt yourself too much. You weren’t that bad.’ She playfully nudges me back and shoots me a side-glance with a cocked eyebrow. I laugh and shuffle in the snow, my bum starting to feel the cold through my jacket.
‘You know, just because he didn’t see your worth it doesn’t mean others – those you teach, the friends around you, your family, me – don’t see it,’ I say, noting the passion in her eyes when she talks about the mountains and wanting so badly for Hayley to know how awesome she is, yet knowing full well there’s only so much I can say; she will have to find that belief within herself. I tilt my head to the clouds asking the universe for a moment of forgiveness as I’m aware I’m being a little hypocritical, giving advice to Hayley that I need to work on myself.
‘Thanks, Harper. When you put it like that it all seems so trivial, he was one person and I’m surrounded by so many rad people. I don’t want him to control my feelings and emotions anymore.’ She wrings her hands together. I put my arm around her shoulders.
‘I know you don’t. It will get easier. I think you’re doing an amazing job and I think if you keep living and creating new memories and moments, the less those insecurities will affect you. I’d like to think time is a great healer, but time for everyone is different. We’re not all going at the same pace,’ I say, squeezing her shoulders and reciting my Dad’s words. I look out at the plumes of white clouds, grey shadows looming in behind them and for a moment stop hating myself for my struggles. I didn’t bounce back a week or a month after Scott’s departure. I’m dealing with the aftershock a year l
ater and that’s OK; it doesn’t mean I’m not healing; I’m just doing so at my own pace.
‘I feel like I’m sat talking to Mother Nature or Father Time,’ Hayley teases, her smirk more prominent now. I can see her blue eyes are glassy but don’t doubt she’s too proud and stubborn to release her tears.
‘What can I say? I am one with the universe; wisdom flows through me – it has to when you’ve got parents like mine.’ I laugh, crossing my legs and pretending to meditate, which scores a laugh from Hayley.
‘You’ve got a great family, you know. Your mum and dad are awesome,’ Hayley notes and it’s her turn to shuffle in the snow; we’ve been sitting for a while now. The cold is starting to seep into my clothes. I wonder if Hayley is immune to it.
‘Yeah, I got pretty lucky when Mother Nature was assigning parents. What are your parents like?’ I ask, while getting to my feet. I shake out my legs trying to get some feeling back into them and blow on my hands. Hayley looks up at me her ocean blue eyes murky, contradicting the smile on her face as she stands up with great enthusiasm. Once on her feet she faffs around with her board, brushing off the snow, like she is having to think hard about how to answer my question or whether she actually wants to. Throwing her board on the ground, she clips one foot in.
‘My dad’s pretty cool, a bit like your dad but less broad mountain man and more scrawny can’t-play-sports-to-save-his-life, but he’s always on the front row cheering me on in competitions and has been since I first took up snowboarding,’ she tells me nonchalantly, before pushing her board along the snow, edging towards the slope once more. I pick up my board and follow her; I’ll clip in when I’m on level ground. ‘My mom’s not around much,’ she says with a shrug, squinting her eyes over me with a smile before covering them up with her goggles.
I sense there’s more to that story, but don’t want to push. I have the feeling letting people in is not something that comes easy to Hayley so I’m grateful for all that she has shared so far. I’ll be here for her if she ever wants to talk about her mum. I give her a small nod to let her know this and bend down to clip myself onto my board.
‘Do you and Scott have kids?’ Hayley’s question takes a second to reach me while I’m hunched over, blood rushing to my head trying to push the last clip down over my big snow boot. It momentarily catches me off guard and makes me wobble unsteady, but Hayley reaches out and grabs my shoulders to keep me from falling.
Just like with Hayley and her mum, I haven’t shared that part of my story; the part that is filled with fear over the future and more specifically over if I will now ever have kids of my own.
I stand up, feeling a rush of dizziness when I do. Before I can come up with an answer a flock of numbered bibs and neon Nineties colours whizz past us in a blur. That’s a story for another day, I think to myself. I’m having too much fun this morning to want to knock on that fear’s door.
And besides, getting to talk to Hayley and hear part of her story has given me strength; I don’t feel so alone. Instead I feel a sense of something bigger than myself, something more to work for than my own needs. It makes me feel empowered and gives me a sense of worthiness. A moment of unity passes by before we both push our boards onto the platform towards the edge of the run. We’ve said what we’re able to today and my spirits are lifted.
I shake my head to answer Hayley’s question and nod towards the slopes.
‘I’m very glad you came to Colorado,’ Hayley shouts over to me from underneath her scarf. I’m grateful that she seems to get me and hasn’t pushed the kids thing.
‘Me too,’ I reply, taking hold of her hand as we shuffle to our next take-off point.
Within seconds of hitting the slope my body has warmed up. I’m sweating under my many layers and embracing the sting of the occasional snowflake that hits my cheeks at full speed; they’re not so gentle when coming at you with force. The bottom of the slope comes into view and I stretch out my arms to my sides like an eagle spreading his wings ready to soar. Hayley must copy me as her hand reaches out and grabs mine. I chance a look at her and within seconds of taking my eyes off the path I can feel my board wobble and know there’s no coming back from it. I clip Hayley’s board and before I know it, we’re tumbling the last leg of the slope like one giant neon yellow snowball. By the time we come to a stop there’s no air left in my lungs for laughing. I can’t feel my face and I’m certain Hayley’s knees are digging into my ribcage.
When the whooshing sound calms down in my ears, I can hear Hayley belly laughing by my side.
‘Harper, get your hands off my butt,’ she chokes through her laughter.
*
By the time lunchtime rolls around I am famished. I’m walking back to the lodge with Hayley and her team, and feel triumphant. The tournament might as well have been today for me. I feel victorious. I’m breathless, I can’t stop smiling and my backside is bouncing along with glee for I did not fall on it once; luckily, getting tied up with Hayley cushioned my fall, because today I took my grandest spill yet, but with my butt having not made contact with the ground I’m not really counting it as a fall. However, I feel as though the apple might have rolled its way back to the tree and hope that my dad reads the note I left and heads up here, so I can show off my new skills, by which I mean completing the majority of the course, not the spectacular nose dive I took at the end.
My wish is granted when we walk into the reception area and spot not only Dad but Mum, Madi, Em, Ariana and Bella as well.
‘Hey,’ I say as I run up to them all trying to hug them all at once, making Mum and Dad chuckle. I can see in Mum’s eyes how happy she is to see me beaming, like my old self again.
‘Dad, the snow is rad today – the slopes are so smooth,’ I exclaim, buzzing from the adrenaline.
‘Did you just use the word rad?’ Madi asks, grinning at me. I feel my cheeks flush – so maybe I’m a little dizzy from adrenaline and hunger. My brain feels light and the professionals have been using that word all morning and without getting too ahead of myself, for a brief second in time I felt like a pro.
‘It slipped out,’ I say to Madi, with a shrug, my face creased from embarrassment. ‘Did I use it in the wrong context?’
‘No, it suits you,’ Madi replies, putting her arm around me and following the others walking into the café. ‘I couldn’t be prouder. Em says she got here about twenty minutes ago and wondered who was killing it with Hayley. She saw you coming down the mountain and says she couldn’t take her eyes off you, you were doing so well.’ Madi squeezes me and I touch my head to her shoulder, accepting the compliment and feeling grateful for the rush it gives me. If she didn’t see the fall, I’m not going to mention it. ‘She said she almost fainted when she realized it was you,’ Madi then adds before bursting out laughing when I pick my head up so fast and gasp, giving her an evil stare.
‘Hey, I wasn’t that bad,’ I say, trying to stand up for myself as Madi takes a seat next to Em in the booth and I shuffle in next to Bella.
‘You certainly weren’t rad,’ she notes with a teasing wink. I throw my goggles at her but Em catches them before they make contact with Madi’s nose.
‘Harper, hon, please don’t hurt Madi,’ Mum pipes up from the end of the booth next to Hayley, which elicits sniggering all round, even from Dad. Is it possible to act like a sophisticated adult when around your parents? I seem to have retreated to that teenage girl they always looked after.
‘I hear you did awesome on your board this morning,’ Bella tells me while scouring the menu. ‘Hayley’s an amazing teacher. I knew she’d have you up to speed in no time.’
My stomach rumbles as I look over all the delicious-sounding dishes, but when I home in on the veggie burger, I know that’s what I would like, so I rest the menu down and lean back against the cushions of the booth.
‘She’s incredible and thank you, it was a lot of fun,’ I reply. ‘I much prefer flying down the hill on my board and not on my butt – it makes for a more scenic vie
w.’ Bella laughs. ‘It’s definitely good exercise, which is what I need. I haven’t done much as of late,’ I say casually. I don’t want to talk about why, but it feels good to be focusing on what I need to do and actively seeking out more positive ways of getting back on track with my life.
‘Snowboarding is fantastic exercise, great for exercising your mind too. I think people forget how important fresh air is for the body and the mind. It’s a way of life here. I’m so happy you came,’ Bella says, excitement and sincerity in her voice. She’s right: I’m so often locked away inside writing at my laptop that I don’t make time for outdoor activities anymore.
‘What are you both doing tonight?’ Em asks after we order our food.
I automatically look over at my parents and they both meet my gaze with a smile.
‘We’ll extend curfew just for tonight, kid,’ my dad says mock seriously, causing me to laugh out loud. I shake my head at my childlike behaviour. I guess old habits die hard and all that.
‘You heard the man,’ Madi says, nodding her head in my dad’s direction and raising her glass. We were sticking to water today, no whiskey-infused mulled wine for us before hitting the slopes again later. I want to maintain my bruise-free record for the day, plus it’s not actually allowed.
‘I do an outdoor midnight yoga class once a month – you’re welcome to come along if you’re interested?’ Em informs us.
‘I’d love to,’ I say without hesitation. ‘Count us in,’ I add as Madi opens and closes her mouth with a smile. Today the universe is answering my calls. The adrenaline starts to pump through my body at the thought that I will get to do yoga tonight – and under the stars. I can’t wait.