by Lucy Knott
‘I’m not angry with you, Scott.’ The few words leave my lips before all the things I thought I wanted to say, the speeches that months ago were floating around my brain wanting to burst out, simply fizzle away. I side-glance to the sunshine, full and orange above the green fields and catch sight of Sophie and Dean. Dean’s fists are clenched. My lips curve into a small smile; Madi would like Dean, I can’t help but muse. He has a protective look on his face, which is sweet since I just met him.
When I look back to Scott, a moment of euphoria hits me. There’s nothing more I need to say to him. I have nothing to prove to him; the fight I once had to be right and tell him that what he did was wrong has long since passed. He doesn’t need to know of the pain he caused me. If I have to tell him, it’s not worth it and beside the point. And what did my dad say about my past not being my future? Nothing I say can change what happened and, in this moment, I know that that’s OK, for everything that happened was meant to happen. The pieces of me that crumbled are being put back together in new and beautiful ways each day and I am loving the person I am becoming.
I walk away.
Chapter 17
In the distance I can hear the faint sound of sheep ‘baaing’ and right outside my window the birds are having a full-on conversation while the sun is rising, casting my hotel room in a peachy glow. I stretch out my legs and wave my arms above my head to wake myself and find myself smiling. I look around the room taking in the bare brick walls, the porcelain standalone bath in one corner, an egg-shaped chair in the other; which screams for me to curl up on it and write the day away or get lost in a good book. I affirm to myself that today is going to be a great day.
Checking my watch, I see that I have plenty of time for a hot bath, breakfast and a morning stroll before call time. So, I throw off the deliciously crisp and cosy duvet and get the tap running while I choose my clothes for the day.
The hotel bath is dangerous. I very nearly drift off to sleep relaxing back into the warm bubbles and perfectly curved nook that eases the stress in my shoulders and has my eyelids fluttering to stay awake. The sun rising over the lush green fields keeps me on task; the light bouncing off the morning dew enticing me. I want to be able to explore the quaint village before a day spent on set; the greenery being somewhat tarred by wires, tape and rigs.
My long mauve skirt with a crochet overlay tickles my ankles. I pair it with a slightly oversized white jumper and manage to style my hair in a thick loose braid. With a dusting of blush, a swipe of gloss and mascara, I’m ready for breakfast.
On the stairs I bump into Sophie whose bare face and joggers instantly make me smile.
‘Good morning, Sophie,’ I chirp, excited to see her now that I’m feeling more myself and am not frazzled like I had been yesterday. Sophie looks up and catches my eye.
‘Harper? Hi, oh good morning,’ she says enthusiastically enveloping me in a hug. ‘Isn’t this place magical? Are you hungry?’ she gushes.
We walk side by side down the small staircase that leads into a reception area that boasts fresh flowers, a brick fireplace, a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf and a heavenly smell of vanilla. I feel like I’ve stepped into Kate Winslet’s cottage in The Holiday and might have to ring Madi and tell her I’m not leaving.
‘It’s stunning and yes, I was just heading for some breakfast. Would you care to join me?’ I reply, receiving an eager nod and doe-eyed smile in response. Breakfast is served in a conservatory just off the cottage. It’s absolutely gorgeous with the morning sunlight reflecting off the white linen tablecloths, pastel bunting and mouth-watering trays of croissants and bowls of fresh fruit. We take a seat by the large windows overlooking the vibrant courtyard and order coffee for Sophie and a lemon tea for me.
‘So, how long have you been writing?’ Sophie asks, resting her elbows on the table and her chin on her hands, showing great interest.
‘I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t writing if I’m honest, but I started working for Pegasus Entertainment nearly six years ago now. It’s mostly been rewrites and edits; this is my first original screenplay that has been picked up,’ I tell her. ‘How long have you been acting?’ I ask, as the waitress places our drinks in front of us. I take a sip while I listen to Sophie.
‘Oh, only since I turned twenty-one and moved into my own place. My parents are doctors and naturally I was expected to become one too. It was frowned upon – my wanting to consider another profession. Don’t get me wrong, we still talk, and I still see them, but Dean is most definitely the golden child,’ she explains with a laugh. ‘I watch Pegasus religiously. One might say I’m a little addicted …’
‘One might say, or one does say?’ I hear Dean’s voice first before he reaches the table. When his eyes meet mine, he winks playfully. Sophie rolls her eyes.
‘OK, I am a Pegasus movie addict,’ she says with a ‘what are you going to do about it?’ shrug.
‘That you are. Good morning, ladies,’ Dean says. He looks a little sweaty, and his grey eyes are sparkling with a hint of ocean blue in the morning light. He’s not wearing his glasses, which makes their colour pop more clearly.
‘Morning,’ I say, smiling at his cheeriness so early.
‘Are you joining us?’ Sophie asks. Dean doesn’t make to sit down. He looks from me to his sister before I notice his cheeks flush.
‘No, thank you for the invite but I best get cleaned up. Enjoy your breakfasts. I recommend the custard pastries,’ he notes before nodding and walking away.
‘If you want to know the best dessert spots in Colorado, my brother is your man. In fact, he’ll find the best desserts just about everywhere we go. He has the biggest sweet tooth of anyone I know,’ Sophie tells me with a giggle. ‘Shall we?’ she adds gesturing to the buffet table. I let out a chuckle and stand before I fully register what she just said.
‘Colorado?’ I question without actually managing to form a proper question. Her mention of Colorado piques my interest and I raise my brows.
‘Colorado born and raised. That’s where I auditioned for this role. It was only a few years ago I discovered Pegasus Entertainment had an office in Frisco and that’s when I knew I wanted to try my hand at acting full time and tell my parents no more medical school. I haven’t looked back since,’ Sophie says loading her plate with toast and one of each pastry. I like her a lot and I can’t seem to stop the odd stirring of butterflies in my stomach at the fact that she and Dean are from Colorado. I feel like I’m being sent another sign and I smile as I place a custard pastry on my plate.
‘It’s the first time I’ve ever travelled for acting, which is why I asked Dean to come with me, which probably makes me sound lame! But he’s a protective older brother through and through. And in truth …’ She pauses as we take our seats at our table and looks me intently in the eye. ‘Don’t tell him this – I just wanted him to get away for a bit and have a break. He doesn’t often get holidays and when he does, he never goes far as he’s always on call. It might be selfish of me when I know his patients need him, but younger sisters are allowed to be protective too and he has been looking exhausted recently. I kind of over-exaggerated how nervous I was travelling so far on my own.’
I smile at Sophie’s words and because I have just taken a nibble of the custard pastry that Dean had been right to recommend. It’s warm and full of flavour. I already know I’m going to need another one.
‘I think that’s incredibly sweet of you,’ I say in response to Sophie’s confession. ‘It’s lovely that you care enough to look out for him, and I think it’s wonderful you get to spend this time together and celebrate your first acting job abroad. It does seem to be doing him wonders. He looked rested and well this morning,’ I add washing my scrumptious pastry down with a delicate sip of tea.
‘He’s an early bird. He will have had his pastry and coffee with the sunrise and then hit the gym,’ Sophie says, a loving infliction in her voice. I can tell she thinks fondly of her big brother the way she smiles warmly when tal
king about him. There’s even pride in her tone when she’s making fun of him. ‘Oh my God, this pastry is delicious. I love England, I could just live here,’ Sophie announces making me chuckle. I ponder the thought of us actually re-enacting The Holiday and my swapping places with her in Colorado. We sit a little while longer discussing the differences between traditional British cuisine and Colorado staples until our plates are cleared and Sophie rushes off to do her morning rituals before show time.
I decide I still have enough time to spare before I need to be on set and so make my way through the conservatory and out into the courtyard. The orchards and fields beyond the wooden gate stretch for miles and I can make out a dusty stone walking path along the edge. I fancy walking off the pastries and seeing where the road leads. The sprouts of daffodils and bluebells have me reaching out to trace my hands softly over them, their scents wafting up and filling my soul with appreciation for where I am.
The sun warms my face and I’m thinking I should have worn a hat to shield me from its rays. There’s still a soft breeze blowing, making my light jumper and skirt combo the right choice, but sunglasses would have been a sensible choice too. It feels as though I have walked for miles through peaceful lands when I come to a paddock and find sheep grazing. They are the only souls about; their calm ‘baas’ speaking to me and making me feel welcome in their home. I lean against the log enclosure and say hello.
*
‘I don’t know if I could have done that; even if it was fake. I’d be too frightened to look at myself,’ I say, scrunching up my features and shaking my head. Sophie, Dean and I are sat around a picnic table under a beautiful yellow umbrella at the village pub, a short walk from our hotel. It’s where we have spent most of our evenings over the past two and a half weeks.
Sophie is regaling us with stories from roles she’s played and extra work she had done in order to pay her dues in the glam (or not so glam if her recent anecdote is anything to go by) business of acting.
‘I was totally numb by this point. We were shooting well past midnight and the worst thing was I couldn’t even jump into bed when I got home at 3 a.m.; it took another hour and a half to peel the scabs and scrub the blood off me,’ she says dramatically with hand gestures and all.
‘I’d have been good playing a corpse by that point. I’d have been asleep on my feet by 10 p.m.’ I laugh.
Dean takes a sip of his beer and shakes his head with a chuckle. ‘But after all that you made the best zombie in the whole film,’ he says and receives a playful whack from Sophie.
‘No way.’ I gasp with a cheeky smile, catching on to Dean’s sarcasm and playing along. I have a feeling I know where this is going.
‘Yes way! Four hours of make-up, having ice-cold blood thrown at me and layers of silicone attached to my body and they practically cut me,’ Sophie says, flabbergasted, causing us all to howl with laughter.
The banter continues well into the evening but by ten-thirty I’ve consumed enough tea to fill a baby paddling pool and we make our way back to the hotel. We are responsible adults after all, and Dean and I are both aware that Sophie has a job to do in the morning that I’d like to think is a step up from her days playing zombies in indie movies.
I’ve enjoyed getting to know Dean and Sophie over the past few weeks. The chatter doesn’t stop; what with tales of auditions gone wrong and Sophie’s lively personality, there’s never a dull moment. Dean doesn’t share too much about his job and Sophie tries to keep the conversation away from his work; I can only gather that’s to help him switch off.
Filming has been going smoothly from what I’ve seen. When I caught a few moments with Lara the other day, she divulged that both the director and producer were thrilled with how the screenplay was translating on camera.
I haven’t seen Scott since he handed me our divorce papers and each new day since has felt like a small victory; I’m putting him behind me.
After a quick dip in the bathtub (it’s hard to resist its luxurious lure even when it’s past my bedtime) I dive under the covers of my gorgeous fluffy bed and pull out my notebook. Ideas have been flowing for the new script I’m working on. And Sophie and Dean keep adding to my list of things to do and places to see in Colorado the next time I visit. The little voice in the back of my head that keeps suggesting a crazy, ridiculous move to Breckenridge has been nagging at me more and more. I haven’t shared my connection to Colorado with Dean and Sophie or my thoughts on moving out there as I haven’t discussed it with Madi yet. But with all Dean and Sophie have to say, that voice is getting steadily louder.
My new friends know that I have visited Colorado, but I have yet to tell them that my parents live there for fear that they will just give me more reasons as to why I should go. I miss my parents and I love their place in Colorado, so add in all the amazing places that Dean and Sophie have informed me about and moving seems the most reasonable and logical idea. But I can’t possibly plan my life without Madi or discuss my dreams with others without consulting my very best friend, not least because it would include her in a massive way.
I fall asleep dreaming of snow-capped mountains, an office overlooking piles upon piles of the sparkling white stuff and how cool people from Colorado truly are.
Chapter 18
Today is the last day of filming. I’m up to my usual morning routine of telling the sheep my hopes for the day and my gratitude for the days and moments gone by when I hear a small ‘excuse me’ from somewhere behind me. I’d been so engaged with the sheep (they make great listeners) that I hadn’t heard the rustle of the gravel.
When I turn around, I’m greeted by Dean’s friendly face. The sheep I had been chatting to beats me to a good morning as it ‘Baas’ at Dean before turning its attention to grazing on the grass.
‘What she said.’ I smile, deciding my new friend is a girl. Dean gazes at the ground, one hand in his pocket, the other combing through his deep brown hair. His right cheek lifts into a small smile making a dimple form.
‘I didn’t mean to disturb you, I was just passing by and thought I’d stop and say hello,’ he says a touch shyly. I appreciate that there is a softness to Dean that he doesn’t try to hide. His confidence is prominent when he’s around Sophie and he can be playful and tease me when he senses it’s right to do so, whereas now he seems to understand my more mellow state and respect my alone time.
‘Oh, you’re not disturbing me at all. It’s such a stunning walk and I don’t mind the company,’ I reply honestly. I gesture to the fence and turn around. Dean walks up beside me. We stand in comfortable silence for a minute or two. I study the daisies blowing in the morning breeze and pay close attention to the slight hum of a bird and rumble of cars in the distance.
‘Dean, my mum used to tell me that the universe will provide you with what you need and that doors will always open for you if you take the time to look and be aware. Have you ever felt like something was right in your heart, but you’ve been too afraid to jump, like you just don’t know how to get your feet off the ground?’ My thoughts roll off my tongue without my feeling the need to edit them or worry about Dean thinking me odd. I focus on the sharp blades of fuzzy grass and speak without inhibition. Dean is quiet for a moment. I sense his eyes on me, but I close mine wanting to heighten my sense of hearing to really take in how he responds.
‘It’s like the universe is watching you, you can feel its eyes on you, and you know it’s rooting for you, for something, and has a plan for either route you choose. It will help you get to your ultimate destiny but it’s waiting for your next step, so it knows what it needs to provide you with next. I think it’s OK to be scared to jump. I believe you will know when the time is right. The universe likes to shake us up and if we don’t heed its message it will find a way to tell us more than once.’
It’s my turn to watch Dean as he takes in the plumes of wispy clouds.
‘You know, Dean, your words made a lot more sense than Shelia’s,’ I say with a grin; his words meaning m
ore to me than he will probably ever know.
‘Shelia?’ his American lilt questions, his eyebrows raise.
I nod in the direction of my friend from earlier who has been peeking glances at me from behind a nearby shrub. Dean lets out a hearty laugh.
‘Well, I’m glad I make for a better conversationalist than a sheep,’ he notes, still chuckling, as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
‘Indeed, you do.’ I nod, mock serious.
*
Sophie is a joy to watch from behind the camera. The utter love she has for what she is doing pours out of her whether the scene be a happy or dramatic one. She truly gives it her all. I feel proud to call her a friend. The day has been wonderful, starting out with the delightful conversation and stroll around the paddock this morning with Dean. He has a charming manner about him that he seems oblivious to and the way he carries himself so politely is endearing. It’s easy to get wrapped up and lost in conversation with him and I found myself wanting to keep walking and losing track of time.
But the set life hasn’t been so bad either. Watching my scenes play out has been somewhat magical and gives me the feeling of wanting to write forever. I’m grateful for this experience and the reinforcement that writing is what I’m meant to do and is where I find I belong. Everyone involved has been amazing and I have loved experiencing that teamwork from the crew and actors alike. It’s made for a different work experience for me when I’m usually favourably isolated, in my own world writing.
I spoke to Mum, Dad and Madi on the phone earlier and they were all doing well and being their usual incredible support system, expressing how excited they are to see the movie trailers. I think once I see it playing on the TV it will be make it more real. The day wraps up in the early afternoon and by late afternoon I’m outside the hotel with my suitcase; Dean and Sophie are waiting with me until my taxi to the train station arrives. I’ve taken both their numbers, insisting that Sophie ring or message me if she ever needs anything and telling Dean to keep me updated on any more English desserts he comes across and favours. There is a certain mellow vibe in the air. I don’t want to say bye to my new friends but I’m willing myself not to be sad. I believe I will see them again one day.