by Lucy Knott
Sophie squeezes me in a tight hug and tells me to visit Colorado again soon and to be sure that I let her know so we can hang out. She’s dying to meet Madi after I told her all about her; she’d also heard of her before too. Sophie certainly knows her Pegasus Entertainment trivia. Dean gives me a short gentle embrace and I feel something I can’t quite place. When he takes a step back, I know I just want to register his grey eyes again before I depart; there’s something in them that I am drawn to. Our eyes connect and I give him a short nod as my taxi pulls up.
On the train home I channel my dad and meditate on the last three weeks and my vision for the future. It’s a vision I know now is up to me and my faith in the universe. I feel my growth and learning is allowing me to walk alongside my fear and let go of perfect planning. It’s a vision that is etched in my heart and it will come to fruition should I listen to the signs and follow my instincts.
Chapter 19
I’m not sure if the clicks and creaks are coming from my bones or from the floorboards as I roll my back out with my foam roller, loosening my limbs for our yoga session. I feel spoilt after Em’s yoga classes under the twinkly stars and fluorescent moon, but the whitewashed gym room is beautiful and serene in its own way. Our instructor always lights tealights and candles at the front of the room and dims the neon tubes to give it a subtler and more calming vibe. I like it and there’s good energy flowing through the other participants tonight.
I stretch up into a cat stretch on my hands and knees and then push my back to the ceiling untangling the knots that coil around my spine from being sat at my laptop all day. Our instructor glides in. She’s really a wonderful instructor, older than Madi and I and very serious in her approach, but I don’t mind that. It usually gives me focus, but as she begins, I can’t help my brain comparing her to Em. I dislike comparing people, but Em had such a relaxing and charming aura about her that my mind opened up and let go of its stresses for a whole hour. Now I find myself thinking, distracted as though I am shouting and bargaining with my worries and dreams to leave me alone for the session and it’s anything short of relieving.
‘Do you think Em would move here and be our private yoga instructor?’ I turn to Madi and whisper with a teasing smirk playing at my lips. Madi coughs, and her elbows buckle under her downward dog pose. I stifle a giggle, not wanting to disrupt the class. ‘Get your head out of the gutter, Mads, that wasn’t an innuendo.’
I receive a shove for my chatter before Madi regains her composure and gets back into position. I roll out some of the tension in my neck as just thinking about our friends in Colorado puts a smile on my face.
‘I miss them all, you know,’ Madi whispers back. ‘I miss your parents too. I guess life was moving so fast when they left and then it just became the norm them not being around, but I miss them.’
‘I miss them all too. Do you think we could ever actually move out there, like leave London behind?’ The question leaves my lips before I can stop it. I can’t seem to help myself; my subconscious seems to be thinking about moving to Colorado a lot. The thought has crossed my mind more than once since we got back, especially after meeting Dean and Sophie, but it seems like such a daunting decision to make and after the last time I mentioned it and Madi didn’t respond I had tried to ignore the desire. Could I really leave London behind; the place I have lived my whole life? Where everything is familiar, has sentimental value and feels homey?
I realize I’m now sitting cross-legged, looking at Madi, awaiting her response. This time I don’t want to move past it, I want to know Madi’s thoughts. Missing London seems neither here nor there in comparison to missing Madi. I could never move without her, so what she’s about to say will put my daydreamer and wanderlust thoughts to rest for good. Madi unfurls out of her safety position and matches my cross-legged stance before replying, her eyes squinting telling me she’s giving my question serious thought.
‘Before Christmas I probably would have said no, but honestly I feel in a different place right now. Does that sound crazy? I mean I know you’re the one going through the huge life change, but maybe we had both just settled into our comfort zones a little too much and this is what we needed to shake us up. I don’t know, but I’d definitely consider it,’ Madi says, her voice hushed. My heart feels like it performed a triple backflip at Madi’s words. I’m not sure why I feel so excited. It’s not like I’m about to jump on a plane and move to Colorado tomorrow, but something inside me stirs at the thought.
Lost in thought, it takes us both a minute to register the toes tapping in front of us. Simultaneously we look up to find beady, angry eyes glaring down at us. ‘Sorry,’ we say in unison. I am genuinely sorry. It’s very unlike me to cause a disruption and disrespect the Zen in the room. But I suddenly don’t want to sit or stand still in yoga poses, I want to race to the nearest coffee shop with Madi and discuss the possibility of us spending more time in Colorado.
I consider it being a pipe dream as I bend into triangle position. I mean I have a house to sell and I’ve just been approved for a foster care interview based on my living with Madi (Madi will be interviewed too) and her having a spare room for a child. I can’t just flee the country. My mind is running through logistics while my heart optimistically ignores everything it’s trying to tell me against the idea of running off to Colorado. Not forgetting my work is here, well, technically I can work from anywhere, but not tomorrow; tomorrow I must be at the office to look over clips from my film.
‘What’s going through that brain of yours?’ Madi asks her voice low as she looks around to see that our instructor is now a safe distance away. ‘I can feel your harassed aura from over here,’ she adds, teasing. Her head is upside down and her cheeks are red.
‘It just made me happy to hear that you don’t think I’m bonkers for having thought about moving, that’s all,’ I reply. Strands of my hair are starting to escape my bobble, I try and blow them away so I can see Madi but flipping my head upside down once more in a downward dog manoeuvre causes my ponytail to fall in my face. My hair is too heavy to control by feeble blowing. I can’t make out Madi’s reaction.
‘I’d never think you are bonkers, well, maybe a little when you mentioned it the first time. It all seemed a bit daunting,’ she replies. ‘But I’ve been putting some thought into it and things are changing, Harper, we’re getting older. You’ve always taught me about growth, taught me to go after my dreams. You’ve always been the first to dive in with your heart so full and bursting with passion. I wouldn’t have believed I could be a freelance writer or got a job with Pegasus if it wasn’t for you having done it first. We took risks, but maybe we have plateaued just outside our comfort zones. If we’d never gone to Colorado, I never would have seen you snowboarding, and you’ve dreamt of doing it forever. When we were kids going on adventures was all we did, even if it was just in the back garden. You know I love writing, but you are right, you know, about what you said when we were in Colorado: we need to live our futures, not just write about imaginary people’s.’
I flop back onto my mat, giving up my attempt and pushing into a headstand. I’m too wound up to relax this evening.
‘I don’t want to fear anything anymore, Mads. When I found out about Scott’s affair, I felt weak, I crumbled. But I don’t want to be that person who runs from fear. I want to face it, overcome it,’ I say, my voice a low natter. I don’t care about the odd heads that turn my way in warrior one pose, I need to get this off my chest. ‘I’m not saying Scott trapped me or stopped me doing things for eight years, Mads, but so much of my brain was consumed with him, now it’s like I have this empty space to fill and maybe this sounds selfish, but I want to fill it with all the things that scare me. I don’t want to be the person who needs Scott. I don’t want to only identify myself as an ex-wife. I want to explore and do all the things I dream of doing.
‘Colorado was like some sort of magic potion that gave me a new lease on life and these last five months have been so beautiful in g
rowing and gaining a new perspective on life. From spending time with you, being on set with Dean and Sophie, and spending time with myself. I didn’t think it possible for me to feel this good without a set-in-stone plan, but I feel incredible and I want to be more spontaneous and do those things that keep coming back to me.’ The tension in my neck finally unravels as I release my words into the air. They give me a sudden thrill and I get an idea.
‘Come on, let’s go,’ I say grabbing Madi’s and my water bottles and my mat and nodding in the direction of the door. I remember where we are and anxiously look over to the front and receive a sharply raised-eyebrow stare from our yogi. I bow my apologies as I tiptoe to the door.
Out in the cool June evening I shake off the small beads of sweat on my forehead and throw on my tie-dye hoodie. Madi is keeping up as I walk quickly in the direction of the shops and cafés along Drury Lane. I stop outside our tattoo shop, the one where we got our matching arrow tattoos and which is home to a stellar artist whose work I adore – our friend Zac. I can feel the blood pulsating in my eardrums. Madi has more tattoos than me and hers are works of art. Mine are a lot daintier. Let’s just say while I’m a fan of tattoos, I’m not an admirer of the pain.
My stomach flips over, and I suddenly feel unsteady on my feet. I think I have momentarily lost my mind. It usually takes me weeks, months even, to build up the courage to come here, not to mention the place closes in forty minutes, and it’s highly unlikely Lily or Zac are free or would be happy to tattoo me with a moment’s notice.
I duck in without overthinking and am met with a somewhat surprised yet warm and most certainly cheeky smile from Zac. Zac knows what I’m like when it comes to tattoos. I’m normally the one walking in a lot slower, cowering behind Madi, but not today.
‘Harper, what’s up? What can I do for you today?’ he says, swivelling around on his black office-style chair and putting away some inkpots he was fiddling with. I smile and nod at Lily who is busy with a client over at her station, before turning my attention back to Zac, who stands up and throws an arm over Madi’s shoulder. They are both looking at me like I’ve got two heads and I assume waiting for me to chicken out.
‘Hey, Zac, I’m thinking of something small, to symbolize this new time in my life and new adventures, think mountains, stars,’ I say confidently, his kind features instantly relax me. Madi’s face goes from quizzical, like she can’t quite believe what I’m doing, to a beaming smile of understanding. Zac nods at her then at me and wanders over to his station. I follow him as he picks up a notepad and pats the bed, while Madi makes herself comfortable on a chair nearby. I take a seat, listening to the buzzing tattoo gun that Lily is wielding on her client and, shockingly, I don’t feel terrified.
It doesn’t even take him a minute and Zac produces a delicately drawn fine-line outline of four mountain peaks with a small moon to the right of the picture. It’s gorgeous and exactly what I had been envisioning. ‘I love it,’ I gush.
‘Where are we putting it?’ he asks with a pleased grin as he stands up and sets about printing and acquiring his tools for the job. ‘I can print a few sizes if you want to think about placement.’ I know where I’d like it, but I must admit I’m hesitant. It’s supposed to be painful getting tattooed on your ribs and I’ve come in here on a whim. I have Madi here to pick me up off the floor should I pass out, but I really don’t want to pass out. I want to be able to do this.
I squint my eyes and pull my tie-dye hoodie over my head. I have a loose mustard-coloured tank top on underneath and a sports bra, which I suddenly realize needs to come off. I hop off the bed and signal I’ll be back with my forefinger and make quick work of relieving myself of my too-tight sports bra in the toilets; I’m way more comfortable without it. Back in the studio Zac looks me up and down with an expression that I can’t quite put my finger on and holds out my choice of sizes.
I study them for a moment and then point to the piece that’s no bigger than a fun-size Snickers. Zac tosses the unwanted tracing paper to the side as I lift my tank top to show where I would like it; on my right side maybe two centimetres below my breast. Zac bends his knees, leans back and touches the stencil to my skin. My cheeks heat, I feel lightheaded and worry that I am not brave enough to go through with this. I’m looking down trying to see what my tattoo will look like when Zac gazes up at me under his long lashes. A warmth spreads through me; a warmth I have not felt in over a year. I suddenly register that I don’t believe it’s the tattoo that’s making me nervous anymore. Madi chuckles. Is it always a good thing having a best friend who’s so in tune with your emotions? I ponder when she winks at me.
Zac moves his black and grey inked hands away once he is satisfied the tattoo is level, before clearing his throat and telling me to go and see what I think in the mirror. When I stand in front of the full-length mirror it takes me a moment to recognize the person staring back. I look strange – different – but in a good way. I feel like I have evolved from the person I used to be. With my top hoisted up revealing my skin with its stretch marks and scars and odd ink, it’s like I’m seeing myself in a new light, from a new perspective. This body is for me. I won’t be racing home to tell Scott what I’ve done, to show off my new tattoo to receive a disapproving glare or be after his approval of my body in order to love it myself. I love it.
‘I love it,’ I say out loud with a croak in my throat and pulling myself away from my thoughts, more determined to do this.
‘Right, then hop on, Miss,’ Zac says cheekily, helping me shuffle onto my side on the bed. I take a deep breath in. Madi squeezes my calf for reassurance.
‘Relax, Harper. It will be fine, I promise.’ Zac’s voice soothes me. He rolls my top up a little further and tucks it under itself to stop it getting in his way. His movement is gentle yet businesslike. The way his hands move with purpose over my skin causes my cheeks to burn rosier than before. I close my eyes. This is so unlike me. I curse myself for being unprofessional and a bad friend. I’ve known Zac for years. I try and focus on the beautiful design Zac has drawn being permanently etched on my skin for me to take everywhere with me. But my brain has other ideas and is in a bit of a fog. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry over how Zac’s touch is affecting me. I want to laugh because I’m being ridiculous, he’s my good friend and this is not the time nor the place to be turned on. And I want to cry because I didn’t think I could feel like this again. In the months after I learnt about Scott’s affair the idea of another man touching me made me feel nauseous and guilty. This evening I feel nothing but welcome tingles.
‘Are you ready, hon? After three.’ Zac lets me know before the gun connects with my skin. I draw a sharp intake of breath with the first scratch and then drop my shoulders, releasing my pent-up nerves. I concentrate on being in the moment, inhaling, exhaling, and following Zac’s strokes, picturing the mountains and scenic views of Colorado. Minutes pass, my side is throbbing with a dull ache. My skin is sore by the time Zac wipes me down. Once I’m wrapped up and ready to go, I thank Zac and pay, feeling proud of my small accomplishment. Madi grabs my cheeks and kisses my forehead; I think she’s proud of me too.
On the walk back to Madi’s, I feel as though with each new step I am shedding my old skin. I can’t believe I just did that. On the spur of the moment, one hundred per cent spontaneously, I got a new tattoo. Between snowboarding, hot tub nights under the stars, having my first original script made into a movie, standing up to Scott, meeting Dean and Sophie and living with Madi these last few months, I feel like a new woman.
‘So, you know I’d never rush you and I’ll always follow your lead and respect your time of healing, but I was sensing a little sizzle when Zac touched you. How are you feeling, Harp? Did it feel good?’ Madi asks. The way her voice is filled with both concern and a hint of mischief makes me giggle.
The evening breeze soothes my heated skin. My tattoo stings under its wrap as I glance at Madi, then up at the sky.
‘It felt good,’ I say, my mi
nd wandering to Zac’s touch. It’s a relief to feel a shiver down my spine and know that my body isn’t numb. ‘But I don’t know, Mads, I’ve come to find that I am enjoying being on my own, being with you, learning something new about myself every day. It’s wonderful to know that I don’t need anyone. It’s quite liberating and a lesson I hadn’t realized I would ever need to learn or even want to learn.’ I pause, hesitating on my next thought. Madi intertwines her fingers through mine.
‘I can one thousand per cent respect that, babe. I have loved spending so much time together again and just so you know, Harp, your beauty shines like no other. You had Zac in a tizzy back there, not least because you looked sexy as sin but because you wear your heart on your skin and it’s like magic getting to see that. I’m proud of you that you didn’t let Scott take that away,’ Madi notes, squeezing my hand a little tighter. ‘And …?’ she adds, giving me a side-smirk.
I laugh. Her words mean everything to me. Madi has always been my role model, my inspiration in life. If I know anything about staying true to who you are no matter the obstacles you face, then I’ve learnt it from Madi. She’s had to be a warrior since the day she was born, and she’s never let the way her parents treat her affect the way she treats people or her self-worth.