by Lucy Knott
‘Harper, Harper, it’s your turn.’ I stare down into the piercing grey eyes that are staring up at me from the tiny person tugging at my snowsuit. Erin’s nose is bright red, her cheeks flushed pink and the smile brimming on her face lights up my world.
‘She’s not as fast as us,’ Evan shouts, running past us quickly then slowing down as the slope becomes steep. I take Erin’s hand and we run, laughing as we too get stuck inching our way up the mountain of snow to get to the top. I’m dragging our sled behind me.
‘She is too fast,’ Erin quips at Evan, standing up for me. Everything this child says melts my heart.
‘But I’m the fastest.’ Poppy gives her two pence as she catches up with us, Bella in tow.
‘This is the last one, guys. Hayley will be here soon for your lesson,’ Bella informs our group and receives a unanimous vote of excited cheers. Hayley has been taking the kids for snowboarding lessons and they are loving it; like ducks to water, or polar bears to ice, the three of them. Erin has been with me two weekends a month for the past three months and I adore her. We’re rarely indoors when I have her and it suits me just fine.
The Pegasus office has been demanding to say the least. Madi is doing a wonderful job elevating the workload and making this office a more dominant fixture within our company. Our script intake has risen drastically, and four upcoming movies are set to be filmed out here in Colorado in the coming months. It’s been incredible to oversee, but very much all go in the office. We have lots of changes to make in the New Year, my in-tray is never empty and I still need to get in and give the place an overhaul. So, weekends on the slopes are a welcome respite.
However, I’m never without my laptop or notebook and pen, despite the stress of the office and some of the more unenthused members of my team, my own ideas and inspiration have skyrocketed since moving to Colorado. Furthermore, after the success of my movie I have been assigned to create two new original movies for Pegasus this coming year, including one that is currently doing its rounds back at the UK office. I’m anxiously awaiting the team’s verdict.
I never could have scripted two years ago what has happened for my career or Erin coming into my life and keeping me busy. I’ve never met anyone with a purer heart and a sweeter nature. My mum and dad fuss over her, and Poppy and Evan want to keep her around all the time, but her foster family are lovely and it’s still early days. I don’t want to interrupt our routine, even though dropping her off at her foster family’s house is becoming increasingly difficult every Monday morning.
We’re all panting by the time we reach the top of the slope. Evan is eyeing me mischievously. Poppy is already clambering onto her sled while Erin waits patiently for me to sit down first. She’s trying to keep up with the others and show no fear, but her grey eyes shine with a touch of nervous anticipation. I tuck my knees to my chest allowing room for her to sit between my legs. Her little frame jumps in and she wraps her arms around my knees, holding on for safety.
Evan gives us the countdown and after three we are all hollering and whooping down the snowy hill. By the time we reach the bottom, there is no fear in Erin’s eyes but glistening sparkles of happiness, as she screams, ‘We do it again.’
‘Hayley’s here now, sweetheart. We can have another race after your lesson, OK,’ I tell her. When she spots Hayley, she squeals and runs right up to her, hugging her leg. Poppy and Evan gather around her too, eager to get started. Hayley shoots us a wave and gets the troop to follow her to retrieve their boards and gear. As they reach the gate, Erin turns around and trots back over to me. I bend down to greet her, worry creasing my brow. She loves snowboarding and she loves Hayley. Bella and I are usually content to leave them to it, so this is a first.
‘Be back soon,’ Erin says in her sing-song tone, putting her tiny arms around my neck and giving me a squeeze. I choke back tears not wanting her to think I’m sad.
‘I will be here,’ I say as she releases me and dazzles me with her pretty smile, before running back to join the others. Bella is grinning at me when I stand up. I look away watching the kids until they disappear inside with Hayley. Then we start walking to the café, which has become our Saturday treat, catching up over hot chocolate for an hour while the kids have their lesson.
‘I know it’s early days so I’m not trying to rush things, but you’ve taken to fostering really well. That kid is happy in your care and, well, I think she adores you. You’re doing a wonderful job, Harper,’ Bella tells me as we take our seats. We’ve barely been sitting for two minutes before Jake appears with two hot chocolates and a thick slice of vegan beet chocolate cake, which he lets me know he’s trying to perfect for my mum after he was blown away by hers at Christmas. Then he leaves Bella and I to natter.
‘Thank you,’ I start, truly grateful for the compliment. I’d been nervous about doing or saying the wrong things and scaring Erin. She has already bounced around from house to house, foster home to foster home all before the ripe old age of three. ‘It’s Erin though, she’s so full of love and light.’
‘Because she soaks up and projects what you give her. It’s not always like that, Harp. Love is what they need but it’s not always what they get. They meet you and they can feel it, that warmth and heart. I’ve met Erin before, seen her at the social meetups, and this is the happiest I have ever had the pleasure of seeing her.’ Bella’s words send a wave of goose bumps up my thermal-covered arms. Talking about Erin often gets me emotional. I wipe at my eyes trying to stem the tears before they leak.
‘She’s an honest to goodness doll,’ I say, picking up my fork and helping myself to the first bite of cake. It’s heaven on my tongue. How there’s no sugar in it is beyond my logic; it’s delicious. Between my mum and Jake’s fascination with all things vegan, since the gang have stopped by for Sunday lunches at my parents’ a lot over the past couple of months, my diet has become much more plant-based. I can’t lie, I feel like I have all the energy of my twelve-year-old self back again and I certainly need it to keep up with the kids, the office and when racing down the mountains with Hayley.
‘Like I said, I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I just want to put it out there, even if it’s just to keep you in the loop or get you up to speed with the process, but you know adoption is an option should it be an avenue you ever want to venture down?’ Bella states, picking up the fork and breaking off a chunky piece of cake. I watch her chew the piece carefully, eager to see her reaction while also biding my time unsure of what to say next. It’s not really a question, more like a hint at what she believes is a great idea for me.
‘And he wants to convince me that this has beets in it?’ Bella laughs, mock incredulous. She’s pointing at the cake with her fork. I chuckle and nod. I take another bite of cake and look over the mountains. I can just make out the kids on the far side of the mountain, on the small beginners’ slope with Hayley. For two and a half years old, Erin shows signs of taking after Hayley. I’d be entering her into competitions in a matter of months, should she wish to partake; she’s a little natural on the board like she’s a natural on the ice. Watching her, my heart squeezes.
‘I want to be good enough for her,’ I confess, my voice low, a whisper. It’s been twenty-four months since I found out Scott was having an affair. I’ve moved across the world and have an amazing job and an incredible group of supportive people around me. I am in love with my life. Erin gives me purpose, a reason more powerful than anything I could ever describe before, to be better, to bring my best self to every day. But I want to be good enough for her. Scott was able to leave. Erin’s a baby. She wouldn’t get that choice and she must be happy. I want to know that she is happy every day and that I am doing right by her. My throat catches. I let out a small cough, choking a little on a chocolate crumb. I’ve not thought about what happened with Scott in a long time.
Bella reaches out and takes my hand. ‘Harper, are you good enough for you?’ she asks me gently, the weight of her words hitting my chest instantly.
It’s a question I asked myself countless times after Scott left. And my answer was always that I wasn’t good enough for him, for me, for anyone. Yet as each day passed, my strength grew, and I made it through. I stood tall and made decisions. I embraced life, opened myself up to new friends like Bella, buried myself in work, moving up in a job I love and though I may not be in the position to have kids of my own right now I leapt outside my box, opening my eyes to the kids out there who needed love; who didn’t get it the normal way. I’m happy with who I have become, how I have evolved since Scott left, since our divorce, but it’s been a while since I asked myself this question. It surprises me that today I have a different answer.
‘Yes.’ The word tumbles out. I smile, acknowledging that yes, yes, I do believe I am good enough. I gasp, a little shocked at myself.
‘Then you will be more than good enough for Erin,’ Bella replies. Her words resonate to my very core; my hands tremble. I can do this on my own. I can support this little girl. I can make it so she knows that she is capable of anything; that she must always dream big. And I can give her all the love in my heart. I want to give her all the love in my heart. I want to give her the sun, the moon, the stars.
I let out a nervous chuckle. My mum was right all along; I thank the universe.
Chapter 26
There is a feel of magic in the air that only the aftermath of Christmas Day can produce. It’s that limbo between Christmas and New Year where no one is quite ready to get back to work yet, there are tubs of Quality Streets lying open on every surface and the odd twinkle of glitter sparkles from the rug that the wrapping paper left behind.
My new daisy-print slippers and the roaring fire are keeping my feet nice and toasty, and the tiny being curled up next to me is making certain I’m full of warmth. Frozen is playing on the TV as Erin and I are finishing up our last dregs of hot chocolate. I’m wondering if she’s going to make it to midnight when there’s a knock on the door. Erin’s drooping eyes spring open as she sits up straight, allowing me to get up and see who it is. She sits on her heels, peeking over the couch; shy until she gets to know a person. I open the door, speculating as to who it could be at this hour.
Madi, Em and the girls are out, and my parents like to ring in the New Year from the comfort of their bed these days. I was content in having a quiet night in – just Erin and I – and was not expecting visitors. I feel the icy chill the minute I open the door, but it’s quickly replaced by a hot flush when Dean fills the doorframe in his fleece-trimmed denim jacket and black-rimmed glasses.
I’ve only seen Dean a handful of times in the last few months when taking my dad to his physiotherapy sessions. He’s wonderful to talk to, as always, and I have been able to learn a few more titbits about him such as he has been a doctor for six years, loves his job, dislikes avocados (how could I possibly take him home to my mother?), is not a fan of spiders (would make a terrible roommate, who would get rid of them then?) and adores camping, which he’d love to make more time for. We’ve chatted about fostering and my list of Colorado desserts I must try now has a notebook unto itself.
I’m about to ask him what he’s doing here when I hear a squeal behind me and a little pitter-patter of feet.
Erin runs past me to Dean. ‘Hey, peanut,’ he says, ever so affectionately. Erin gives another giggle.
‘How do you two know each other?’ I ask, a little perplexed and a little taken aback that my ovaries were just attacked without warning at the current scene of Erin doing her best impression of a koala, her arms wrapped around Dean’s leg. She just about reaches his kneecap.
‘He reads me books,’ Erin pipes up finding her voice amongst her excited giggles, before squeezing him tight with sound effects and bouncing back over to her spot on the couch.
Dean scrunches up his nose, his lips curve into a small side-smile and he offers a shy shrug then lowers his voice. ‘Erin had a few trips to the hospital before she was put into care,’ he says, clearing his throat. My own immediately restricts with a fierce need to protect Erin. I look away from his features; he’s staring at Erin with warmth and concern in his grey eyes. I follow his gaze. She looks adorable curled up in her Pascal blanket.
‘When I finish my shifts early, I like to pop down to the kids’ ward and read to them,’ Dean says. When I turn back to look at him, his eyes are already watching me closely.
‘Of course you do,’ I say with a playful wink, teasing. I take my hand off the front door to pull my jumper down over my lace pyjama shorts, suddenly realizing how cold it is and Dean is still stood outside. I was just trying to process him being here, him knowing the little light of my life and reading to children after long and exhausting shifts as a doctor, that I had yet to invite him in.
‘Would you like to come inside?’ I say shaking my head apologetically and gesturing for him to come in.
‘You can sit next to me,’ Erin shouts, looking over at us both and patting the couch next to her. Her crystal grey eyes are wide with happiness as Olaf bursts into song.
‘You don’t have to stay long if you have places to be tonight,’ I assure him, closing the door behind him as he steps inside.
‘Erm, yes, no, of course. I didn’t mean to disturb your evening,’ Dean replies and I notice a slight blush rise in his cheeks. Did he think I was kicking him out already?
‘Sorry, no you’re welcome to stay and celebrate with us but if you have friends to meet or parties to attend that’s OK too.’ I try to reassure him as I make my way back over to the couch. Dean follows me tentatively. ‘Please, make yourself at home,’ I add as Erin lifts her blanket to indicate where she would like us to sit.
I tuck my feet underneath myself to Erin’s right, while Dean makes himself comfortable on her left. I feel a smidge of jealousy when Erin scoots a little closer to Dean and leans into him. As if sensing my insecurity, she reaches out and takes my hand, keeping hold of it while she gets cosy once more.
Watching the sisterly love being portrayed on the screen makes my eyes glisten, not least because of the love I have for Madi but because I’m getting to experience it through Erin’s eyes. I’m witnessing the way her delicate features crease with concern, her eyes grow huge and a rosy hue creeps into her cheeks. Her innocence and sweet and pure heart are admirable considering she has been to hell and back at such a young age. She still shows empathy for Anna and Elsa despite it all.
I swipe my eyes with my fingertips as subtly as I can and twirl a strand of hair around my finger, not wanting to disturb the moment Elsa’s warm hug saves her sister. I catch Dean looking at me. He offers me a cute smile, his grey eyes twinkling under the Christmas lights reflecting in his glasses. I return his smile before he looks away, absent-mindedly brushing Erin’s hair out of her eyes as she lies curled in a ball, her head on his lap.
The room feels so full of love and togetherness. Dean has a tenderness to him and when he looks at me, it’s all-embracing and makes me feel fuzzy inside. I no longer feel the need to shy away from my emotions or feel embarrassed about my tears. When Dean is around, I feel like myself; like my old self, my new self, the person I was and learnt from and the person I want to be, all at the same time. I sense he sees and accepts it all and I appreciate that about him.
As the credits roll, I get a surge of empowerment while I prepare to scoop Erin up and carry her off to bed. I make to stand when her eyes suddenly spring open and she shoots off the couch, grabbing Dean’s hand. ‘Dean didn’t have any hot chocolate.’ She gasps like it’s the worst thing in the world; which I suppose it is considering how delicious it is.
I let out a chuckle as Dean copies her gasp and plays along naturally. The three of us dash into the kitchen and I set about turning on the crockpot to warm up our hot chocolate. We had made extra for Madi and Em. Erin climbs on to a chair by the breakfast bar and sends a puppy dog glance my way. ‘Harper, can Dean have a cookie too?’ she asks politely, her fingers edging closer to the plate of multi-coloured sprinkled cookies we had made ear
lier with my parents. Dean hovers beside her making sure she’s steady and not going to fall off the high stool.
‘If he would like one, of course he can. Would you like to ask him?’ I say dropping a kiss on her head as I retrieve a wooden spoon from the drawer to stir the simmering cocoa. Dean takes the seat next to her, scooting up his stool a little closer to hers and Erin turns to face him.
‘Would you like a cookie? I licked the bowl; Harper said I can do that,’ she says leaning in and whispering to Dean like it’s a secret, her face etched with glee.
‘It’s not really baking if you don’t get to lick the bowl now, is it?’ Dean replies in a matched hushed tone. ‘They smell amazing,’ he adds as Erin pushes the tray towards him. I can see her attentive eyes surveying the plate and even though we used natural sugars and there are no E numbers in our bakes I have some trepidation about ruining her sleep pattern; but it is a night for celebrating after all, with ten minutes to go before the New Year.
I ladle some hot chocolate in a mug for Dean and half a ladle for Erin in her Rapunzel mug and place them on a tray.
‘How about we go and sit on the deck and watch the fireworks and we can have one more cookie to celebrate,’ I say and wiggle my eyebrows. Erin giggles and claps. Dean helps her off the chair as I add the plate of cookies to my tray and lead the way on to the deck under the heater.
Once again, I find myself under the illuminated Breckenridge sky to bring in the New Year. Whereas last year I was both a bundle of nerves and excitement to face the year ahead, this evening I feel accomplished and contented. I don’t think I could ever tire of the mountainous view or the fact that my garden now boasts enormous pine trees and vast snowflakes littering the grounds. There’s a party in the sky as fireworks of every colour explode around us. It’s a stunning scene, though not quite as stunning as taking in Erin and Dean munching on vanilla cookies and sipping on their hot chocolates as the sprinkles sparkle in their eyes from the light bouncing off the night sky.