“Okay, now you’re making fun of me, too? You own a pair of pot-smoking Sasquatches? Come on, Gertie. Please just believe me.”
“I do believe you. I’m telling you the truth. There’s a whole bunch of stuff you don’t know about me, your cousins, or the Paranormal Plantation. I know it’s probably hard to comprehend, but I’m a witch. Leigh, Lindsey, Randy, Kelly, and Ezzy especially, we’re all witches. My old plantation is not just a bed and breakfast, it’s a shelter for paranormal creatures. Not just the Sasquatches. I have all sorts of magical critters: dragons, unicorns, pretty ponies, a Pegasus, and more. I even have a Nessie named Rebecca. Plus, it’s a shelter for cats. Lots and lots of cats.”
Jessica fell back against the wall and slid down to the floor.
“Wow. It all makes sense. The strange things I heard and saw there. I knew Bigfoot was real! That’s why I came back down there yesterday—er, that day in the future formerly known as yesterday. I wanted to sneak around the swamp and get the first verified proof they exist. I spotted two of them rummaging through your garbage cans. They were putting some sort of clothing on. Grunting and making all kinds of noise.”
“I knew I heard someone in the trash bins. But someone snuck in through the back door. Was that you?”
“The creatures went inside, made a lot of noise, then it was quiet. I waited a few minutes, but when they didn’t come out, I decided to take a peek inside. I wanted to get them on video so bad. I’m really sorry for sneaking in after them.”
“It’s okay. I suppose it’s completely understandable. So, what were they doing?”
“I have no idea. I didn’t see them. I walked as far as a table covered in paint cans. Some of it had spilled. I stepped in a little puddle of it. Next thing I know, I’m landing in an open field. I’ve been here for two days now.”
“You couldn’t have been here that long. I just came down to check on all the noise, found the spilled paint, and tumbled out into an open field, like you did. You must have been here only an hour before me.”
“No. I’m sure I’ve been here two days. But think about it. If we somehow fell through a time travel portal separately, we could have ended up decades or centuries apart. Lucky for us, we ended up this close together.” Jessica smiled.
“You’re absolutely right, Jessica. One should always look on the bright side. You mentioned stepping in some of the spilled paint. That paint is nothing Sherwin Williams came up with. It’s a special shade of fuchsia I created with witchcraft.”
“And we have to figure out how to get back home.”
“I have the feeling it’ll be more difficult than it was to get here. We should start by getting out of here and finding Darcy.”
“Who’s Darcy?”
“My familiar or witch-cat, as I like to call her. She came through with me, only she managed to escape into the woods when the Duke of something-or-another and his pack of hunting dogs happened upon us. What do you think of him? He’s awful cocky, but I have to admit, he certainly has the looks to back up his smart-talking mouth.”
“Oh, God, yes. He’s mouthwatering, but he’s more like the Duke of Cheesiness. If I hear him say, ‘That is what she sayeth’ one more time, I’m going to punch him in the throat.”
Jessica paused, she silently looked off into the distance, like someone had flipped a switch and shut off her brain.
I knew that look. I do the same thing when I’m thinking really hard.
“What is it? I can tell you just figured out something important.”
“I was wondering why the portal brought us both to this particular place and time. I just realized something, Gertie. The romance novels I’ve been reading—uh, I have them here in my backpack.”
She rummaged around in her pack until she waved a book in each hand.
“Here are two Regency romance books: ‘Baring it for the Baron’ and something a little naughtier, ‘Dicked by the Duke’. Both of these stories are set in England, back in the days when Henry VIII went through wives like he was working his way through a box of Krispy Kremes. It’s the same era we’re in now. I don’t think it’s a coincidence, do you?”
“It can’t be a coincidence. No doubt in my mind. Books can have their own powerful magic, that’s for sure. For example, Leigh has a magic desk and everything she writes on it becomes reality. In this case, it’s completely different. You had the books, so that must have set the date and location for our time travel.”
“Thank God I wasn’t carrying a book set during the time of the black plague!”
“That’s for sure. All right, Jessica, we need to find a witch or wizard that might know a way to time travel home. I’m sure there are some here. The only problem is, they’ll be in hiding. I’ve read, back in the past, witchcraft was punishable by death. And I don’t know about you, but going back in time only to get burned at the stake wasn’t on my to-do list for today.”
“We better not try to escape right away, they’ll send those hounds after us. Then we’ll never find a witch or wizard.”
“Good point. So we just go along with the events here, all the while looking and listening for any clues or talk about magic. That should give us a place to start.”
Chapter 12
Brain Drained
Jessica and I didn’t have to wait long before another astounding event occurred. One more familiar face arrived at our room, accompanied by several young women carrying dresses.
The red-haired newcomer was unexpectedly somber. “The king and a visiting monarch will be holding a feast tonight. These ladies have proper dresses for you.”
I winked at her and whispered, “Ezzy! Thank God you found us. Don’t worry, I won’t let them know who you are. Great disguise by the way.”
“Ezzy? Who is Ezzy? What in the world are you talking about?”
I smiled and replied with a knowing wink. Pulling Jessica aside, I let her in on our rescuer.
“Pssst. Jessica. This is my friend, Ezzy. I’m sure you remember her from the wedding. She must have figured out that we were missing and came for us.”
My eyes darted from one assistant to the next, a cautious reflex of mine.
“Obviously, Ezzy’s waiting until these other women to leave so she can tell us her plan.”
“Stop whispering! It’s rude,” Ezzy barked. “And don’t wink at me again.”
Of course, I winked again. She was really playing the part well. At least, that’s what I thought until she completely lost it.
“That’s enough! I don’t know what the duke thought by bringing you to court, either of you little tarts.”
Jessica immediately took up my defense. We stood shoulder to shoulder. “Don’t get your tits in a wringer, witch. I don’t know what you’re up to, but no stupid rescue plan requires you to be so mean to Gertie.”
“Rescue plan? You think I’m here to rescue you? You really are a lunatic. Ha. This is your lucky day. You’ve been selected as a mistress for the king. And you, Lady Worchestawhatever have been selected by the duke to visit his bed-chamber tonight, or to spend the night with the king’s guest of honor.”
“Would you listen to yourself? I know it’s you, Ezzy. You don’t even talk the same way the people here do. You don’t sound like you’re part of a Shakespeare play. You sound like you always have, as you should, of course. You’re from our time. How did you manage to go back to this place?”
Ezzy looked at me like a pineapple had just sprouted from my forehead. She turned to address the assistants. “Ladies, leave us.” The young women swiftly walked out of the room.
“I—I don’t know why. Tell me. What did you mean when you said I’m from your time? It’s as if you were saying you came from another time. What is it, the future?”
“Ding, ding, ding!” Jessica hopped up and down. “We have a new Jeopardy champion!”
“Ezzy, you seriously don’t know, do you? How long have you lived here?”
“My earliest memory is from six years ago. The duke picked m
e up from the wheat field. Apparently, I’d taken a very serious knock to the head. I didn’t even know my own name. The duke took me in and cared for me. So that’s really my name? Ezzy? Strange name.”
“Well, that’s what your friends call you. Your full name is Esmeralda Warren. You were born in 1629 at your parents’ farm in Salem Massachusetts. It gets even stranger than just your name, Ezzy. Somehow, you managed to survive the Salem witch trials—you’ve never explained that to me or anyone, that I know of.”
“Witch trials? I’ve never heard anyone mention that place. Why would I be concerned with surviving witch trials?” Ezzy suddenly backed away from me. “Witchcraft! Is that what this is? I’m under your spell! Release me and leave me alone. I promise not to accuse you.”
“Yeah. You’re a witch, witch,” Jessica interrupted.
“Ezzy, you’re not under my spell, technically speaking, it’s the Witches Union’s spell. This is all because that book of spells you loaned to me from the Union office. I needed a spell for magic paint.”
“A witch? Me? You two are both witches as well?”
“Gertie’s a witch. I’m a cryptozoologist. Not like certified or anything, but I produce my own podcast on cryptids, you know, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, and all that. It’s called Beatin’ the Beast. I’m also a waitress at Waffle Hovel. I used to be a Goth, but now I’ve gradually transitioned out of that. Not sure why. Probably because I didn’t really have a grasp on what I was supposed to do. It’s not like they have any structure or a user’s manual, for crying out loud. This is what Randy said to me, he said…”
Her voice changed to a mocking rendition of Randy. “‘Jessica, you’re a very unfortunate soul. You see, homeschooling never prepared you for goth, gangster, nerd, geek, stoner, jock, or any pubescent social group that encourages you to feed on each other’s angst and collective self-doubt in order to express what, in effect, is simply just another tidily packaged and labeled cultural stereotype’. Geesh! Whatever the hell he meant by all that! Like I actually understood any of it. Yeah, so I decided to swim up the mainstream and become a poverty-stricken underprivileged waitress.”
“Wow! I didn’t know all that, Jessica. Anyway, Ezzy. Yes, you and I are witches. In fact, you are senior to me. You’re 387 years old, but you don’t look a day over twenty-seven. I’m only 161 years old, but I’ve only been fully alive for twenty-six years because most of that time I was basically an ice sculpture, thanks to some poor decisions on my part.”
Ezzy slumped to the floor and curled up like a cat, mumbling absolute gibberish. You sometimes hear people say something strange in times of utter desperation, like they could just curl up in the fetal position and cry. But when someone actually does it? Let me tell you, it was really quite a sight to behold.
“Ezzy? Ezzy?” I poked her shoulder. “Are you all right?”
“What’s wrong with her, Gertie? Is there anything you can do?”
“Hmm, well, I’m no gynecologist, but I’d say it’s her brain. She isn’t acting like the Ezzy I know, that’s for sure. It’s all the more reason to find a witch or wizard around here.”
Chapter 13
The New Ezzy
It took nearly twenty minutes of sobbing before Ezzy managed to sit up. “I’ve lost my mind. I started off like a blank canvas here, and over the past year, I’ve coped by painting a version of my life on the duke’s estate. Actually thought I was doing quite well, then you two show up with your fantastic tales. I don’t know what to think.”
“Ezzy, trust me. I can get you home and back to your old self again. If you let me.”
“Where do we start? You realize you are not free to just ramble about the countryside. You are expected at court tonight. I’ll stay close by and keep the wolves at bay. And trust me, there are plenty of those.”
“But I’d love to pet a big fluffy wolf!” Jessica squealed as she put her hands on my cheeks and rubbed her face on mine, as if I was a big cuddly Saint Bernard dog.
“Me, too!” I squealed.
“No. The wolves I’m talking about are men. They may be hairy, big, and sometimes they may howl, or they may even be cute, but that’s where it ends. These wolves devour pretty young women like you.”
“Oh, I get it,” Jessica and I replied in harmony.
“In the future, am I like the two of you? You know, um…how do I say this nicely? Guess there isn’t a polite way to say it.”
Ezzy paused and took a deep breath. “I’m just going to ask it. In the future, am I an idiot, too? Because if that’s the case, I’m staying right here.”
I gave her the biggest hug I could. “Now there’s the Esmeralda we all know and love! No, you’re not an idiot at all. You’re a smart, successful, sexy, confident woman. And of course, you’re a very capable witch with a wicked sense of humor, and you can be quite sarcastic.”
Jessica was staring at the wall, lost in thought. Suddenly, she jumped and waved her arms over her head. “Yes! I just had a great idea, guys. So check this out. Ezzy, you said you were like a blank canvas and you had to paint your life. Paint! You said ‘paint’. How about that for a homeschooled idiot.”
Ezzy’s hand lightly rested on Jessica’s shoulders. “Jessica, I really didn’t mean it in a bad way when I called you two idiots. I just…”
“No, not that. Don’t you get it? You can find us some paint, Gertie can use her magic to make it enchanted, time traveling paint, just like she made at home. We’ll create a new time travel portal back to the future! That way, we don’t even need to worry about sneaking out and finding the place we fell from.” Jessica crossed her arms and leaned back, her chin tilted up with pride.
I actually hated having to be the one to shoot down her idea. “That’s genius, it really is, Jessica. The thing is…I don’t know the spell. I wasn’t alone when it was created. We need my cat, Darcy. She was the one that performed the spell.”
“Dang it. I was hoping to be the one that figured out a way home.” Her chin dropped and her hands fell to her sides, deflated.
“She went into hiding near the woods where I was found. Either she’s still there or she followed far behind as I was taken away. I half expect her to show up at any moment, actually. So we may end up using your idea if Darcy finds us, but we can’t get back to the portal in the field.”
“Or if the place in the field is a one-way door to here only,” Ezzy noted.
“I hadn’t even thought of that. The paints we used came from an alchemist’s shop. How would we get our hands on some paint like that here?” My heart raced with the realization of being stuck in the past.
“Alchemist’s shop? There is an alchemist here. You mentioned witches and to be a witch in this, or any, kingdom can be very bad. But in any English country village is where you will find wise elders. These people are the healers, the fortune tellers, the matchmakers, and they practice many of the very ancient rituals.”
“Huh! They sound like witches to me.” I was filled with hope. “What about alchemists? Or how about wizards? Got any wizards?”
“I’ll get to the alchemists, but as far as these village elders or wise folk, I suppose they are practicing some of the magic you know. But a witch! No. Witches are known to conjure demons and collude with the devil to preform trickery. I’d advise not going to the villages in search of magic. You’d raise a tremendous amount of suspicion.”
Jessica interjected, “Oh yeah! I’ve seen that in movies. Angry mobs of villagers carrying pitchforks and torches, yelling ‘burn the witch’. Let’s pass. Sorry, Ezzy. Go on and tell us about the alchemists and wizards.”
“The court has encouraged German and French alchemists to come here. They are being persecuted in their own lands because the churches fear they are practicing black magic. But the king believes these alchemists studying their mysterious Grimoires are learning what is natural science and nothing more. In fact, the king has a court astrologer.”
“Grimoires? Those are our spell books! Perfect! What abou
t any powerful wizards? I’m hoping there’s at least one.”
“Well, I don’t know if I’ve heard anyone specifically name a wizard. But this last winter, a stranger appeared at court late one night during the Christmas holidays. He was a traveler. His robes were ancient and ragged, but they were purple, the color of royalty. He had long white hair and a beard to match. Everyone has heard old legends of King Arthur and many people assumed this man was none other than Merlin himself—immortal and still traveling the world.
“He didn’t stay long. It was strange how he quickly examined every single person at court. I had the feeling like he was looking for someone. For some reason, I felt threatened and I hid. He spoke privately with the king, then he left. He was never seen again. The king even sent the guards out to search for him, but they found no trace of him.”
“Sure sounds like a wizard to me. They just love drama,” I said.
“I wonder what he talked to the king about. So mysterious, don’t you think?” Jessica pondered.
Ezzy shrugged her shoulders, unable to find an answer. “The king’s private business. Don’t even consider speaking about it around anyone. In any case, I’ll call the ladies in so you can prepare for tonight. I’ll return here in an hour to accompany you to court.”
Chapter 14
His Hotness, California King
I already missed the old Ezzy. It may be an odd thing to say because the new Ezzy was so polite and friendly compared to the caustic manners of old Ezzy. Still, Ezzy’s friendship had always been true and her self-confidence inspired me.
Jessica and I followed her through the torch lit passage. The new dresses were quite beautiful and not nearly as uncomfortable as I imagined women wore at that time.
Mine was green with gold trim and Jessica’s was blue with white trim. Ezzy’s yellow dress was much fancier than ours, and all I could think about is how she always made anything black look good. My sigh was loud enough to turn her head.
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