“Is everything all right, Gertie?”
“I just miss the way I’m used to seeing you.”
“I’m sorry. I have to say something. I may just stay here. There’s a man that I adore and I’ve managed to catch his eye. If I can ever get that damned duke and his hands off of me, I might have a chance.”
“Ooh.” Jessica smiled. “Tell us all about this mystery man of yours.”
“He’s King Henry’s guest. A man from a faraway land. So mysterious.”
Her words floated away, ending in a whisper. I saw her eyes twinkle in the dancing torchlight and her face actually seemed to glow.
“Hey, Ezzy.” Jessica snapped her fingers. “You’re spacing out on us.”
“I think she’s daydreaming about the lad,” I remarked.
“They call him the California King. He’s tall, muscular, dark, such a perfect specimen of the male sex. He would make Adonis jealous.”
“But, Ezzy! You can’t stay here. You’re needed in the future. I need you, your friends need you, and the Union needs you,” I protested.
“Gertie, just wait. Once you lay your eyes on that man, you’ll agree he’s worth staying behind for.”
“Odd title, don’t you think? California King?” Jessica asked. “The state of California wasn’t even dreamed of during the time of Henry VIII.”
She was right, but I dismissed any concerns. “Oh, you know Americans. They named most places after other places with the same name. Who knows?”
“Ladies, I don’t care if he’s from the moon. You’ll see. In fact, we better hurry along. King Henry has a new fool.”
Ezzy skipped ahead of us and I recalled our last visit to Salem. She made it very clear that I’d never, ever, see her skipping. Yet there she was, eagerly skipping down the corridor, towards a room filled with the ever growing sound of laughter
“Gertie? Do you think we’re actually King Henry’s new fools?” Jessica asked.
“Hmm. Good question. Makes you wonder what happened to the last one.”
“We’re here!” Ezzy cried, and we joined her in a curtained doorway. “Just stay close to my side.”
King Henry was seated in a large chair, a beautiful young woman sat next to him. The Duke Charles and Lord Tossinoff stood directly behind them, but there was no sign of the mysterious king. “Where’s the California King?”
“I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. The new fool is about to start! Listen!”
Sure enough, a brightly costumed man was cracking jokes. I could only see his back, but his voice was very familiar.
“Thank you, thank you. Good to have you here in my nightmare. Whew, seriously. I haven’t tripped like this in years. Hey, I see some folks here from earlier today! Duke Charles, my man! Wow! New codpiece? Or are you just happy to see me? Jesus Christ, talk about false advertising. Trust me folks, I’ve seen bigger things wiggling on fishing hooks.”
The fool moved closer to the young woman seated next to the king. “Whoa! What’s a nice lady like you doing in a dungeon like this?”
“I’m the king’s wife. The queen,” she said dryly.
The fool counted on his fingers. “Tell me to stop at what number you are.” The room went silent at his awkward attempt at a joke.
“Oh, I know who you are. Look everyone! It’s Queen Anne Boleyn!” The room exploded in applause. “Good to see you here tonight, Annie. Calm yourself, I said tonight, not two knights.”
The fool turned to the king. “Down at the pub, rumor has it she can handle more knights than two at a time.” Queen Anne stood up and walked away. “Hey, Annie! Seriously, Anne, let me give you some advice. If the king asks for some head, run like hell.” The queen stormed through the door.
Jessica tugged my sleeve. “That sounds just like Randy. Is it?”
“I hope not. Whoever it is won’t last long insulting the royals like that.”
The fool was on a roll. “Got a great T-shirt in the castle gift shop. It says ‘Been there, slain that’. You sure are a tough crowd. What’s wrong? Black plague got you down? What do you say we check in with Lord Tossinoff?”
A shadowy figure whispered in Duke Charles’ ear. Charles waved his hand, signaling a troop of guards to take action. They escorted the fool from the room, a troop of musicians quickly taking his place.
“Did you see him? Did you see the California King?” Ezzy asked, nearly bubbling out of her dress.
“Um…kind of hard to see anyone from this angle. He wasn’t the fool, was he?” I asked.
“Of course not. Come with me, there will be dancing. If you’re lucky, one of the gentlemen will dance with you.”
I naturally tried to avoid being swept up in the activity in the center of the room, but Ezzy’s incessant arm pulling brought us right to the dancing guests.
Jessica grabbed my other arm. “Come on, Gertie. It’s been forever since I’ve gone dancing. Let’s get out there.”
That was all I needed. Now, to be honest, I’ve never been to a formal dance, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love twirling and hopping around whenever I hear music. “I love to dance! And I have some really clever moves I learned from a movie called Footloose.”
“Yeah, they’re just walking around in circles, like it’s time to hand out the medications at the psych ward.”
“Then it’s up to us to show ‘em what we’ve got, Jessica!” First, I had to remedy the slow music. With two fingers in my mouth, I sounded the classic pig whistle, and it was so loud the musicians froze. “Is this a snail’s funeral? Jaysus! Pick it up some, lads!”
A man with a fiddle nudged his partners and after a quick meeting, they broke out a livelier tune. It wasn’t exactly an Irish jig, but it was enough to get our feet moving. Jessica must have watched Footloose also because we were able to do most of the dances together.
By the way, the guests moved from the floor, their mouths hung open with awe. I could tell they were really impressed by the way I recreated the movie’s angry solo dance from the warehouse scene.
Despite our best efforts, the crowd wouldn’t even join us as we performed the movie’s final dance scene. I don’t understand why. It’s the most fun of all.
I really wanted Ezzy to have fun with us. “Come on, Ezzy! Kick off your shoes and get out here with me. I can show you some dances from another movie called Flashdance.”
“Thank you for offering, but I want to be available when the California King comes to choose a dance partner.”
Her eyes suddenly popped wide open and her mouth quivered. She had that look like one gets when they’ve spotted a Chanel handbag on sale. “Oh God! Look, he’s coming towards me,” she squealed.
I looked, but I didn’t see the California King. I saw my boyfriend, Brad. I was just about to scream his name, but he discreetly held one finger over his lips when our eyes made contact. It was hard to do, but I played it cool, like he suggested with his signal.
He walked right past Ezzy and approached me, greeting me with a kiss on my hand. He whispered, “I can’t believe it. You’re here! Sunshine, I was so worried. I didn’t know what happened to you.”
I was so happy, my hand was shaking as I fought the urge to wrap my arms and legs around him. “How? What are you doing here? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. The thing is, I’m not sure how to get home. Darcy and I got here by accident. She’s hiding outside in the woods. I need to find her tonight.”
“You really don’t know how to get us back home?” Brad took a deep breath. “Okay. We can do this. I know it. First, we have to get out of this castle and away from these people. We have a lot to talk about and we can’t do anything here.”
He shot a quick look over his shoulder at Ezzy, who was seething with jealousy.
“If you haven’t guessed, Ezzy’s gone totally cuckoo.”
“I think Ezzy has amnesia. She’s fallen head over heels for you. She thinks you’re the California King.”
Our attention was drawn to some commotio
n on the dance floor. Jessica had wrangled one of the male guests into helping her reenact the lift move from the final dance scene of Dirty Dancing.
Jessica made a quite impressive leap, springing from the floor after a running start. Her body was airborne, arms outstretched—like superwoman, only shorter, heavier and in a Tudor period gown. It quickly became apparent her would-be Johnny Castle had never seen the movie. The man’s face was contorted in absolute fear as he faced the incoming brunette flesh missile.
It was too much for him. He ducked and rolled out of her path. Jessica’s highly anticipated move ended not as a lift, but rather a heart stopping belly flop on the marble floor.
I winced when I heard the meaty slap. “Good God! That’ll leave a mark. Good try, Jessica!” I called out, giving her an encouraging thumbs up.
Brad lifted his purple fleece cape and showed me the garment tag that read California King.
“Weird, right? I wrapped myself in our blanket when I went downstairs to find you. Randy came down, too, because of all the noise. Anyway, we were trying to make sense of what happened with the paint on the wall, the table, and the floor. As soon as we stepped in some of the paint, everything changed. We crashed into a damn field. Randy’s convinced this is just a hallucination. We’ve been hanging around this castle for three days now. They think Randy is the king’s new jester because of the whacky pajamas he was wearing when this all started. I can’t believe the way he’s mouthing off at everyone. I mean, he’s been really insulting them and they just laugh! It’s crazy.”
“So, that was Randy out on the floor telling jokes tonight?”
“Yep. By now, they’ve thrown him back in the dungeon. We have to play it cool or we’ll all end up down there.”
Jessica nosed in between us. “So, this is the California King? I can see what Ezzy means. Yum-yum-yummy.”
I whispered to her, “That was quite a hit you took out on the floor, Jessica. Anyway, this is my fiancé, Brad. He came through the time travel portal, too. Oh, and the fool? None other than your cousin, Randy.”
“Well, that’s Randy for you. Hi, Brad. I’m Randy’s cousin, Jessica.”
Brad, staying in character, kissed her hand. “Nice to meet you. Okay, Gertie, just play along this evening. I’ll find you later on tonight. I have complete freedom here, so it’s not a problem. I’m going to try to sneak out for a bit and see if I can find out where they have Randy. Somehow, we have to get out of this mess. I’m counting on you, Sunshine. I know you can do it. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered as I watched him giving Ezzy a polite nod before he walked away.
Chapter 15
Let’s Blow this Joint
“Ah, there she is Charles,” Lord Tossinoff said, tapping Ezzy’s butt.
Charles seized Tossinoff’s arm. His grip was so tight, the offending hand went limp. “Leave her alone, Tossinoff.”
“In love with thy pet, Charles? You’ll ruin your scandalous reputation. Do as thou will with her then. I’ll take your newest wenches with me. The captain of the guard and some of his men can join me. Debauchery, it seems, is much overdue.” Lord Tossinoff’s laugh sounded as depraved as his personality.
Ezzy was right, Duke Charles definitely had a thing for her. It was strange to see the duke so enamored by her. When I first met him, he was crude and obnoxious with his sleazy one-liners.
In front of Ezzy, he was a true gentleman. This was a man who had taken her in when she was lost, and he fell for her. He made his affection for her clear, yet she looked right past him to a man she barely knew. Unfortunately, that man happened to be my fiancé.
I overlooked her jealousy, at first. After all, she had no idea this hunk of a mystery man was Brad. I made it a point to correct her as soon as the opportunity came up.
Jessica’s attention was focused more on Lord Tossinoff than Ezzy. “Gertie, just so you know, if that Tossinoff creep tries touching me, I’m going to rip his arms off and beat him to death with them.”
Before I could even think of a plan, and by that, I mean one that didn’t include assault and battery, Ezzy verbally pounced on me.
“Don’t think that I didn’t see how you flirted with him. You’ve been acting so sweet and innocent, but you’re not. I see right through you now.”
“Ezzy, there’s something you need to know. The man you’ve been calling the California King is really my fiancé, Brad. He came here from the future, too.”
“I think you’re a liar. The only thing I believe about you is that you are a witch. You two are both evil witches.” Ezzy’s face turned red with rage, but that was nothing compared to what happened next.
“Gertie, we need to get out of here, fast. I busted Randy out of ye old royal slammer, but I had to throw a few punches to get him past the guards. I locked them up in one of the cells. I figure we have about two hours before the changing of the guards. Then they’ll be after Randy and me.”
“Got it. We’ll follow your lead. When do we leave?”
“When I brought Randy out, I heard a messenger telling the guards he had urgent news for the king. Something happened, a riot, a disaster, a fire, who knows. It doesn’t matter. When the messenger comes in, all eyes and ears will be on him. It’ll be the perfect opportunity to get the hell out of here without anyone noticing.”
“What? What the hell are the two of you talking about?” Ezzy screeched.
“Careful, Ezzy. Don’t blow a gasket,” Brad said.
“She’s put a spell on you, too! I knew it. That little witch.” Her hands thumped angrily against Brad’s chest. Remarkably, her expression changed to surprise—obviously of the pleasurable kind.
“Oh, oh. God, you are so damn hot. Your chest, it’s sexier than I imagined. Take me with you to your California kingdom. I’ll do anything you ask. Forget about this scrawny Irish witch.”
“Guys? I think Ezzy’s freak out meter just hit a new level.” Jessica slowly stepped away.
We turned to the door when we saw guards help a frazzled and weary man to the floor of the king, where he knelt down. “Your Majesty, I have terrible news from Northumberland.”
“Again? Talk about a royal pain in the ass! Is there ever any good news from that godforsaken place? Tell us, what is the problem this time?”
“A dragon, Your Majesty. An evil white-skinned beast. It has destroyed a market.”
His words stunned me. “A white dragon? The only white dragon I’ve ever found is my Olaf,” I whispered.
“You have a real dragon?” Jessica blurted out, too loudly. Ezzy heard it and glared at me.
The messenger continued, “Six men tried to chase it away by loudly blowing on horns.”
I gasped when I heard that. Olaf doesn’t do well with horns. This was the kind of thing I was afraid would happen back at the Paranormal Plantation.
Brad agreed, “Sounds like Olaf fell through the time warp puddle, too. This just keeps getting worse.”
“Your Majesty, the noise infuriated the monster. It grew three times in size and went into a fit of rage. It swallowed the men whole, musical instruments and all!”
King Henry laughed. “Ha! Return to your sad hovel and tell the people of Northumberland their good king sends his love. We also advise that they are most stupidly drunk! There are no such things as dragons in England!”
Ezzy rushed to the messenger and knelt beside him. “Your Majesty, there is a dragon! Witches of the wicked sort sent this beast to destroy your kingdom.”
“Witches? Did thou sayeth witches, strange woman?”
“Yes, witches! As a matter of fact, I have discovered two of them and they are here at court tonight!” She stood up and pointed directly at me. “Those two! You all saw how they danced the Devil’s dance! And they’ve also bewitched the California King!”
“Seize them! All three of them!” Shouted Charles.
“Who me?” Brad feigned surprise. “You think I’m under some magic spell? Well, perhaps I am. The spell of love!
” Brad scooped me up and kissed me, just as two of the castle guards lunged at us.
His cheesy move was romantic, and spontaneous—just the kind of thing that turned me on. My mouth went wild on his. Until he swung me around and my foot caught the first guard square in the face, I didn’t realize his actions were more for defense than for passion.
“Sorry, Sunshine. You were the closest thing at hand.”
“Use me like that anytime,” I panted.
Jessica dove for the floor and kicked the legs out from under the second guard. “Great move, Jessica!”
Randy arrived on the scene just in time. “Brad! Why’d you leave me out of all this excitement?”
It was then that he realized the rest of us were there. “What the hell? Gertie? Jessica? Ezzy, too? Why is she coming at you with that sword?”
Sure enough, Ezzy had grabbed one of the guards’ swords, and she charged at me like an angry bull. The weight of the sword threw her off balance. Instead of striking one of us, she landed on her face.
“They are all witches! Look at how they’ve stopped her and the king’s men!” a voice cried out from the huddle of frightened guests. Convinced of our collective evil powers, they backed up against the walls. Guards ushered the king out of the great hall and through a back door.
“This must be the time,” Brad mumbled as he searched his robes.
“For what, a pillowcase, oh king of the mattresses?” Randy snarked.
“This!” Brad produced a pint-sized glass bottle. “It’s a gift from King Henry to the California King. He told me that a traveler predicted my arrival and gave him this bottle with instructions to give it to me. The traveler also told him I would know when it was time to use it. Only, I have no idea what it is or what I should do with it.”
Charles didn’t share the fear the others did. Without warning, he dashed toward us.
“I bet I know what it is!” I slapped the bottle from Brad’s hand just as the duke wrapped an arm around Brad’s neck. The little bottle shattered upon impact and everything went dark.
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