by Maegan Abel
A part of me was still angry. A large part, honestly. But, the rest of me worried constantly about her.
Was she okay? Where was she? Was she safe?
I couldn’t seem to make the constant flood of questions stop. But I was letting it all go tonight.
I was letting her go.
It still felt like a physical blow to the chest to think it, but it was for the best. She deserved happiness and I’d done nothing but bring her pain. I wanted her happy. I loved her enough to know it was time to let go.
Spending New Year’s Eve on this rooftop had become a tradition for us. I remembered bringing her here the first New Year’s after my divorce from Lizzie, telling her my belief on New Year’s Eve and how it was a final chance to let go of your regrets. It was a way to air them out and leave them in the past as you looked forward to the future. Last year, I thought I’d pissed her off. I came up here thinking I’d be coming up with a plan to apologize for being a jerk, but she beat me to it, waiting for me so she could apologize.
I’d been convinced this would be the year I would find my peace. It was strange now, looking back on the time that had passed and thinking just how much my life had changed.
The urge to look behind me, the feel of her being near, alerted me to her presence before she ever made a sound. I froze, not wanting to turn and look for fear of making her run, but my mind was suddenly on a completely different track.
Why was she here?
The only answer I could come up with was she knew I’d be here and she was finally ready to talk. But…what was I supposed to say? This week, I’d decided I was letting go. I was still angry and confused as to what had become of my girl, but the need I always felt for her was so much stronger when she was near. I hadn’t even seen her yet and it was consuming me.
She finally stepped up to the ledge beside me, leaning up on her toes as she glanced over the edge at the people below. I almost laughed at the Santa hat perched on her head, but I couldn’t figure out how to make myself react. After a moment, she turned toward me and moved closer, sliding herself between me and the wall. Unzipping her jacket, she pulled out a second hat. Her expression was completely blank as she stood on her toes and tugged it over my head, covering my ears and cutting the bite of the wind.
And when she smiled, I felt the relief.
It was ridiculous how completely she owned my every emotion. The relief I felt at seeing a small part of the girl I loved, something as simple as a smile, was utterly insane.
She turned away again but stayed in front of me, crossing her arms over the wall and leaning her back against my chest. I tried to keep my head, reminding myself her presence didn’t change my plan. It couldn’t change my plan. I would only hurt her. She said so herself. This was for the best.
I placed my hands on either side of her against the concrete, locking her in without touching her or wrapping my arms around her like I wanted to. After a long silence, I decided I still needed to say my regrets aloud as I’d planned. I needed to let this go and midnight was close.
“I have so many regrets this year,” I started, keeping my eyes on the lights in the distance. “The entire past three months have been nothing but regrets. I regret not seeing how much Conner needed help until it was too late. I regret waiting so long to finally realize how important you were to me. But, above all, I regret the way I treated you the night before all this started.” She turned to glance up at me over her shoulder and I knew that even over the wind, she could hear every word. But I didn’t stop. “I regret not being supportive. I let my fear control me and tried to push you away when I should’ve been holding you close. I regret knowing I caused you pain when I should only ever make you cry tears of joy.”
This was going further than it should. Every word was true, but I needed to stop. I wasn’t trying to win her back. That wasn’t what this was about. This was about letting go of past regrets and starting over. And now, it was her turn.
She was quiet for a long time aside from random sniffles from the cold. She was shaking and I wanted to tell her she should go somewhere warm. It did seem bitterly cold tonight, colder than I could remember Vegas being in the last several years.
“My biggest regret…” she started, but paused, lowering her head for a moment before taking a deep breath and resettling herself against my chest so I could hear her. “My biggest regret is allowing myself to get pregnant when we weren’t ready. It’s done nothing but cause this huge rift.”
The boom of the first fireworks made us both jump and it took another beat before her words registered. All thoughts of letting go, of distance, of uncertainty about how she felt about being touched, disappeared as I grabbed her shoulders, turning her to face me. I yanked the gloves from my hands and started brushing the tears from her cheeks, lifting her face so I could look at her eyes. I needed to see her eyes. I needed…I didn’t know what I needed aside from her.
“You’re… I… You…” I shook my head, trying to find words. “You are pregnant?”
She swallowed hard, seeming to steel herself before nodding slowly. She pulled a wadded sheet of paper from her pocket and held it out to me. My eyes immediately recognized the ultrasound picture. Checking the dates, I realized this was from the day she came home and it showed a due date in June. She had been pregnant when she was taken and miraculously, she still was.
I didn’t realize I was on my knees until it had already happened. I didn’t know whether I’d dropped to them or lowered myself slowly but I found myself staring at her stomach as if I could see through the layers of clothing and find some sort of confirmation. My hands reached out and I paused, glancing up at her face. The uncertainty was back and I didn’t know how she would react if I touched her in such an intimate way. I couldn’t make myself ask for permission, couldn’t seem to find words, but she nodded again, seeming a little wary as she unzipped her coat and hoodie. The second her shirt showed through, I placed both of my hands against her stomach. Every time I’d seen her since she’d returned, she’d been in looser clothes than she usually wore, but even so, she had to be bigger now than she had been a week ago. There’s no way I would’ve missed this clear bump.
“I have more to say,” she said, sounding a little choked. I looked up at her, staying put. She squeezed her eyes closed again, pain clear in her expression. “I didn’t mean what I said.” Her hand shot out to cover my mouth when I started to speak. “No. Just let me say this.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. That night is almost in an equal tie for the biggest regret of my life. I honestly don’t know what happened to me. It’s like…” She paused and shook her head. “Nope. No excuses. It doesn’t matter. I’m just sorry.”
I nodded and she let her hand fall back to her side as she stared down at me. I had so much I wanted to say. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. We can talk about it later but right now, I just want…” I looked back down at her stomach, pressing my forehead against it. “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered, unsure whether I was talking to her or the child I now knew she was carrying. I looked up and her expression was torn. She was scared, the tears still covering her cheeks.
I shoved myself to my feet quickly, going back to brushing her tears away. This changed everything. There was no way I was letting her go.
“I mean it. Everything’s going to be okay.”
She stared up at me and I noticed the white specks of snow in the hair surrounding her face. I couldn’t remember the last time it snowed here but it seemed fitting.
Pure. White. A fresh start.
Maybe this was my chance to redeem myself. Maybe I could make her happy.
Cautiously, terrified of upsetting her, I leaned in and kissed her cheek, warming a spot so cold from the wetness of her tears. I leaned away before repeating the action on the other side. Keeping our faces close together, I waited. Her eyes slid closed and on a shaky inhale, she turned her face into mine, giving me permission. Softly, I pressed my lips to hers, reveling in the fe
el of her kiss for the first time in months.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Fighting for Peace
Lili
True peace was something I hadn’t felt in a long time so I didn’t take it for granted when it spread through me as Zane held me. I was completely aware we still had a lot to talk about, things we needed to work through together, but I’d found a peace like I used to know with him and that made me hopeful.
“How did you get here?” Zane asked as we stepped out of the bottom of the stairwell into the bitter air. It was snowing heavier now and the Santa hat I was wearing wasn’t doing nearly enough to help with the cold.
“I was dropped off,” I answered, wrapping my arms around myself. Zane immediately followed my movement, curling his body around mine as he allowed me to soak up his warmth.
He took a deep breath before he spoke. “Come home with me.”
I looked up, my heart wanting immediately to nod but my head screaming if I gave in now, it could ruin everything. Tonight was supposed to be the first step to healing. I came here to extend an olive branch, to apologize. That was it. But I’d never planned on him reacting the way he did to the news.
All week, I’d been back and forth about when and how to tell him I was pregnant. I’d discussed it with Tony on more than one occasion and even in my weak moments, when I’d actually considered not telling him at all, Tony gently supported me. The way he was still able to guide without forcing me to make the decision he wanted was amazing. He was and always would be one of the most important people in my life.
I’d also spent a lot of time talking to Tish and Kas, both of whom stopped by Tony’s house to see me almost every day. It had taken a little time for me to get past my anger and guilt, and honestly, it was still there, but even looking at Zane now, I wanted to put it behind us.
“I don’t know…” I hesitated, staying close to his body as I started to tremble. My other option right now was to find a cab and head back to Tony’s. That was what I should do, but was it what I wanted to do?
Zane lowered his head, pressing his forehead to mine as he looked me in the eyes. “I don’t want to let go of you right now. We can talk. I have to be at work in a few hours so we can just sit up and talk until I have to leave. Please?” The genuine pleading in his eyes, combined with the knowledge that I didn’t want to let him go either, was enough to make me cave.
I nodded and the smile that curved his lips made my heart ache. It had been so long since I’d seen him honestly happy and I was able to do that just by agreeing to talk to him.
The drive to Tish’s was quiet. I leaned against his shoulder, fighting the urge to crack a joke about the smell of Gardenia still lingering in his car, but the silence was oddly comforting for once. It wasn’t until he turned onto the street and I saw the people hanging around the house that I sat up, realizing what was happening.
“Fuck.” Zane shook his head, already pulling his phone from his pocket. “I can keep driving, get the cops to clear them out aga―”
“No. It’s fine. They’re not going to stop trying until they realize it’s old news. I have to face this sometime,” I said, sounding stronger than I felt. In all honesty, I was terrified of what the media was going to spout, but I’d been hidden away since my return. Tony told me there were rumors I was back in Vegas, but the media wouldn’t confirm since I had yet to be seen by any of them.
“Pull your hood up and keep the doors locked until I get to your side. Hang on tight to me and we’ll push through them, okay?” He slowed as he pulled into the driveway, the attention of about ten people suddenly focused on the car. It may as well have been a mob. “Hey.” I turned my head toward Zane, taking in his concerned expression. I realized I probably looked just as overwhelmed as I felt.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, drawing from the inner strength that had kept me sane for so long and shoving everything else aside. No fear, no worry, no emotion at all whatsoever. That’s what she was good for.
I opened my eyes again, nodding to Zane to let him know I was ready. The second he slipped out of his door, I hit the power locks. I watched his slow progression as he made his way around to my side and opened the door, blocking their way to me as he helped me out. His arm immediately went around my shoulders as several camera flashes temporarily blinded me. I followed his lead, keeping my head down until we were inside the house.
Zane pulled me to the couch and sat me down, kneeling in front of me so he could find my eyes as he pushed the hood from my head. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said automatically, knowing the answer sounded flat.
He sighed, his expression concerned. “Fine. Do you need anything? Something to drink? Have you eaten?”
“I’m fine,” I said, fighting the urge to roll my eyes at his annoyed expression. I’d been in the house less than five minutes and had already managed to get on his nerves. Perfect. “Something warm?” I asked, pulling the blanket off the couch to wrap around myself. It wasn’t exactly that I was cold, more like I wanted the extra layer of security. Like a blanket would protect me or something.
“Hot chocolate?” he asked, pushing up from the floor. I nodded and watched him head toward the kitchen.
In the quiet of the house, I realized I could hear the movement and voices outside through the window behind me. Goose bumps broke out across my neck, spreading down my arms as the tremors started. A heavy shudder passed through me and before I could fall into a full-blown panic attack, I shot off the couch and sprinted down the hall to the kitchen.
“Lili?” Zane dropped what he was doing the second he saw me, rushing forward and pulling me to him like he expected me to be followed.
What he didn’t realize was the things chasing me these days couldn’t be seen or fought by him.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” He sounded frantic as I tried to control my breathing. His panic wasn’t helping and for a brief moment, I wished Tony were here instead of Zane. It only lasted a split second but the knowledge that Tony wouldn’t ask me, that he already knew, was in the back of my mind. It took another second for Zane to realize what was happening and he immediately kicked into caregiver mode. He pulled me over to a chair and I bent forward, trying to even out my breathing as his hand rubbed slowly up and down my back. He was whispering to me and I was repeating it all in my head.
You’re safe.
I’m here.
I’m not going anywhere.
You’re safe.
And he was right. I was safe. I took a deep breath and then another before lifting my head slowly. I couldn’t quite meet his eyes as I fought against the embarrassment.
“Hey,” he said softly, lightly grazing his fingers along my chin as he tried to coax me to look at him. Finally, I slid my eyes to meet his. “Don’t do that. Don’t feel bad about it. Conner’s therapist told me one of the worst things people can do in this situation is try to hide their emotions from themselves or those around them.”
“Okay,” I said, trying to sit up a little straighter as I nodded. It wasn’t easy when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball under the table.
“Do you still want hot chocolate?” he asked, his finger running softly on my skin. For the first time, I found that I really just wanted him to hold me. It made me feel weak and as I debated whether I could ask for that, I nodded my head at his question.
He kissed my forehead as he stood, keeping an eye on me but trying to be discreet about it as he went back to what he’d been doing at the counter. I stared across the room, realizing this entire night was making me feel weak. I’d caved to him with barely any push at all, deciding to come to the house to talk. I’d almost freaked out about a few reporters, and now I had a panic attack because I was in a room by myself. Add that I actually wanted to be held right now by Zane, and I was feeling completely defeated. I needed to stop this. I needed to pull out the strength again and shove all of this shit out of my head.
I hadn’t realized Zane was fini
shed until he sat the cup in front of me. He followed my line of sight as I looked away from the chair he’d been sitting in about six months ago when he held me as I cried. I closed my eyes, pushing that thought away. That girl was broken. She was damaged. That wasn’t me. Not anymore.
“Lili,” he whispered, and I cringed.
“Don’t call me that,” I said automatically, letting out my breath in a rush as the realization of what I’d said struck me. I opened my eyes, grabbing the mug. “Sorry.”
“What do you mean?” he finally asked as I sipped slowly on the hot liquid. It burned on the way down but I ignored it, needing the excuse not to answer that question.
“Just an automatic response. I’m fine,” I answered, blowing off what was happening.
“Would you stop fucking saying that?” he snapped, causing me to jump a little. Startled, I kept my eyes on the mug but neither of us moved as we waited for the other to take the next step. Finally, I lowered the glass to the table.
“What would you like me to say? Hmm?” I knew I should stop, walk away now and not make this worse, but I no longer cared. “You want to know why I told you not to call me that?” I looked up, meeting his eyes. “Because I’m. Not. Fucking. Her. I’m not that girl.”
“Yes, you are—” he started, but I cut in before he could finish.
“No.” I laughed but the sound was hollow. “No, I’m not. You see this face and you think I’m her but I’m not. You’d be closer to the truth if you called Kaitlyn by that name.”
He flinched back from the name and I waivered, the part of me still able to feel guilt worming her way back in as I watched his expression.
“I should go,” I said, shoving myself up and away from his grip as he reached for me. I felt out of control and that was one thing I couldn’t handle these days.
“No. Fuck. Don’t leave. I just…” He stood, pacing away from me for a moment and locking his hands behind his head. Everything about him was familiar, from the line of his back to his mannerisms, to his frustrations. All of it was calling out to a part of me I wanted to find again but I didn’t know how. My eyes burned and I knew I was about to cry. I wasn’t ready for this. I’d thought I could handle it, I’d pushed myself to go to the roof and try with Zane because I knew I loved him. I love him so much. But I didn’t know how to do it anymore. I couldn’t seem to keep ahold of myself, of who I used to be. I was lost.