by Maegan Abel
Struggling to contain the painful sob, I bolted for the hallway. I didn’t have a plan, I just knew the last thing I wanted was to break down in front of him. I didn’t make it far, but I hadn’t really thought I’d be able to either.
Zane caught me by the shoulders, backing me into the wall near the living room, making my control snap and the floodgates release. I sobbed, nearly choking on the sound as my tears made vision impossible. It wasn’t panic; it was pain and loss and the absolute crushing feeling that I’d never be able to find my way back to the happiness I’d once known.
“Why?” He was asking, but I wasn’t sure he was even talking to me or if he’d said more words before that one.
“I can’t. I can’t,” I repeated the two words, over and over, sobbing them out as I tried to form coherent sentences.
“Please, please just let me in, Pixie,” he begged, his hands on my face as I felt his forehead against mine. I still couldn’t see him through the tears and his words, the pain I was causing him, made it all so much worse.
“I can’t,” I said again, shaking my head in a vain attempt to explain. I wanted him to know. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to help. But I had no idea how to fix it.
“You have to fight. You have to help me understand,” he said, and I wasn’t sure if it was me trembling, or him. Our bodies were so close. Too close. “I need you to let me in. Let me help.”
“I don’t know how.”
Then, we were on the floor, huddled together against the wall and he was holding me without me having to ask him to. I wanted him to help me, I wanted so badly to tell him I needed his help.
But, I didn’t know how anyone could help.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ties
Zane
Even a full day distracted at work wasn’t keeping my mind completely off spending last night with Lili. We hadn’t talked much but she let me hold her until I had to get ready for work and that had been enough for me.
It was obvious, based on what she’d said in the kitchen, she needed help. I knew better than to wait this time. I didn’t push last night but she promised to come by this evening again and I was planning to talk to her about going to counseling. I’d failed her so much and I wasn’t naive enough to think I could help her with this alone. She needed a professional and I would support her in any way I could.
It made sense to me that she had trouble opening up. It hurt because I wanted her to be able to get it off her chest, to talk to someone, and I wanted to help her carry the weight of what she’d managed to survive. But, I understood. Or I was trying to.
When my shift ended, I checked my phone again, hoping she’d called or texted to say she was on her way, but nothing. It made sense, though. She still didn’t have her phone back, didn’t want it. The media and knowing she’d have to change her number was part of it, but I didn’t think that was all of it.
Wanting to talk to Tish, tell him Lili was pregnant in hopes he could give me advice on how to handle this, I headed to the shop. Conner was with Tom and Marna for the afternoon and I wanted to give them time with him. Since Lizzie’s death, they had thrown themselves into learning what they could about helping him. They even attended therapy sessions and were becoming much more active in his recovery. I would never deny Conner time with anyone who loved him. I’d learned that lesson. He deserved to be loved and knowing he had so many people who cared about him might be the thing that eventually helped to heal him.
Pulling into the parking lot, I hopped out of the car and walked through the alley toward the main entrance. A few months ago, right before everything went to shit, I remembered Tish saying he and Tony were thinking about expanding the business. They wanted to either move into a bigger location, possibly somewhere on the Strip to get more foot traffic, or open a second shop. I was proud that he wasn’t settling with their success. Considering where we came from, it was a wonder that he’d made something of himself, had become a successful business owner.
Walking in, I was surprised to find the shop fairly empty. The counter girl, one I vaguely recognized but couldn’t remember her name, barely gave me a second glance as I walked toward the offices at the back. Passing a partially opened door, the sound of voices made me pause.
“You don’t understand,” Lili sighed and I tilted my head, confused as to why she was here.
“No, I do. You’re just thinking too much. You’re focusing on what happened with Kaitlyn and trying to hold a grudge in order to keep yourself from feeling guilty. That’s not going to work. You have no reason to hang him by his nuts for something like that given what happened between us.”
I froze in the process of reaching for the door when I heard Tony’s response. Several thoughts rushed through my mind but the prominent ones had to do with why she was discussing our relationship with Tony and wondering what happened between them.
“It’s not the same thing,” Lili snapped, sounding more like the Lili I’d always known. It stung a little more, the knife piercing just that much deeper knowing he was able to bring her back when she couldn’t be that way with me. I had a small glimpse of that girl on the roof last night but as soon as reality set in again, she seemed to disappear.
“No, Lili. It’s not. Kaitlyn and Zane don’t have a past.” Tony sounded tired and I heard movement in the room. I stepped to the side, trying to stay out of sight. It was wrong to eavesdrop, but that noble part of me wanting to make my presence known earlier seemed to abandon me.
“What we had was over way before Zane and I ever started. And that has nothing to do with this.” I could tell she was annoyed, like they’d had this conversation before. My phone buzzed in the pocket of my jacket and I reached in to silence it, ignoring the call from Kas as I kept it in my hand.
“We had a relationship for two yea—”
“It was not a relationship!” Lili snapped, talking over him, but he continued anyway.
“For two years, and you’ve been sleeping in my bed every night for the past week. Why is that, Lili? Why are you staying with me now when you should be there with him?”
“I can’t…” she said, her voice suddenly soft again, making me think of how she sounded early this morning when I begged her to open up to me.
I slowly slid down the wall, sitting on the floor directly beside the open door. The pain in my chest expanded, the knife twisting deeper as I realized where she’d been. I’d assumed she was at a hotel or with Nikki or Shannon. I’d never once imagined she was staying with Tony. Or that she and Tony had history.
It dawned on me then and I felt like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. The guy, the one she’d called her fuck buddy back when we were first started hanging out together. It was Tony. Had Tish known?
“You have to. You have to figure this out because I can’t…” Tony seemed to choke off for a second before he composed himself. “I spent two years trying to break down your walls enough for you to stay with me like this and I can’t keep doing it now. I love you. You know that. I’m not going to push you out onto the street, but I can’t spend every night beside you telling you to talk to him when what I really want is for you to stay with me. It’s killing me.”
Another call from Kas came through and my phone slipped from where it was resting on my leg, clattering against the tile. I scooped it up, ignoring the call again, but the silence in the room told me my presence was now known.
I pushed to my feet as the door opened and Lili’s shocked face appeared. Tony was behind his desk, his casted foot propped on a chair as he watched me impassively. He didn’t seem remorseful in the least, but I couldn’t say I blamed him.
“What are you doing here?” Lili asked, sounding defensive. Or guilty. Or both. It hurt worse that the first time I was seeing the strength of my Lili was in the presence of another man who was in love with her. A man she’d been sharing a bed with. A man she’d slept with on multiple occasions.
“I came to talk to Tish,” I answered honestly. “But I
stumbled across a much more enlightening conversation.” My anger was obvious in my tone and I decided right then I needed to leave before I said something I may or may not mean at this point. I turned and headed toward the end of the hall, hearing her footsteps behind me.
“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” she said, finally having the decency to sound contrite at least. I spun to face her. Seeing her seemingly so much stronger and knowing it was Tony who brought that out in her was the final blow.
“But, I did. You won’t open up to me, you won’t talk to me about anything, but you’re more than willing to discuss our relationship with the man you’re sleeping with,” I snapped, realizing how loud it came out. But I couldn’t find it in me to care. “You know, I asked you last night to let me in, to fight for us, and you told me you didn’t know how. And now, well, now I don’t know anything anymore.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked, her anger firmly back in place.
“What is…” I laughed, the sound coming out as bitter as I was beginning to feel. The weight of the knowledge I’d pieced together started drowning me. “It means…” I paused, needing the answer to one more question. “Did you fuck him? Since you ended things, have you fucked him?” I didn’t want the answer. I knew I didn’t want the answer and her face only confirmed that fact.
“That’s not a fair question.”
This had to be a dream. Some sort of fucked up, sleep deprived hallucination dragging on and on in some endless hell dimension. My past, everything I’d gone through finding out Conner wasn’t mine, the betrayal and the pain, all came back to me at once and the words were out before I could stop them.
“I want a paternity test.”
Her eyes registered just a flash of anguish before she locked it away. I saw the mask of the girl I’d seen since she returned to Vegas slip on seamlessly. She nodded, keeping her chin up and her eyes locked solidly on mine.
“I see. So, how does this work exactly? I mean, you get to fuck my sister and I’m supposed to just let it go because you’re sorry and you were lost or whatever the fuck other excuses Tish wants to make for you. But I spend months as a sex toy being beaten and used and you get to demand a paternity test on the child I’m carrying. Maybe I should do us both a favor and just terminate it before this goes any further.”
I had nothing to say. Anger at her outburst, embarrassment at the audience surrounding us, and the weight of the guilt that seemed ever-present threatened to break me further. I needed to find words but the vicious glare coming from Lili kept me silent.
“You’ll get your fucking test,” she finally said, brushing past me and heading straight out the door of the studio. I noticed how quiet it was in the shop, everyone watching the interaction between us now trying to look busy.
“Whatever you think you know about what she’s been through, whatever it is you’ve pictured in your mind, it was worse.”
I turned my head, my hands balling into fists at my sides as I caught sight of Tony standing on his crutches in the doorway to his office.
“That girl barely survived. The version of her that just walked out, that shell is the only reason she’s still here. And do you want to know why it is she can talk to me? You could probably put it together if you really thought about it rather than letting your emotions control your words.” He paused, like he was expecting me to answer. I didn’t. “I was there. She doesn’t have to explain it to me for me to understand what she’s going through. I saw it. I watched her build this new wall to defend herself from the constant abuse she suffered. I heard them use you and Conner to try to break her. I saw her give up those last few days and decide death was the better option.”
“And yet, you did nothing,” I fumed, livid he thought he had something on me I couldn’t understand.
“Nothing but saved her life,” he said, turning back to his office.
“You think that makes her yours?” I asked, following him to the door. I wasn’t normally an angry person, it used to take a lot to push me to violence, but since Lili, that seemed to change.
“Did you really not hear any of that conversation? Or did you just hear the parts you wanted to hear in order to go back to your self-destructive ways? She belongs with you, Zane. The two of you have something the rest of the world only dreams about. I swear, it’s like you’re the only ones who can’t see it,” he said, dropping back into his chair carefully as I stood near the door. “I love her. I’ve loved her for a long time. But her heart has always belonged to you. Even back then. It’s why we never had a chance and we never will.”
As I opened my mouth to respond, to tell him how wrong he was, or how much I wished he was right, his phone rang and my heart fell, wondering if it was her calling.
“What?” he answered, clearly annoyed. He sat up, his brow furrowing as he looked up at me. “He’s right here.”
Cautiously, he held out the phone and I saw Kas’ name on the screen. I took it, pressing it to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Zane, Tish just got taken into custody for questioning.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Say Something
Lili
Sitting sideways in the corner booth of a small diner, I ran my fingertip around the condensation on the glass of water that had been in front of me for the last fifteen minutes. The restaurant wasn’t full, but it wasn’t empty, and twice I’d found myself starting to panic sitting alone. I’d picked this table because it was away from the windows and I could have my back to the wall, but it didn’t help the anxiety.
With my knees drawn up and my feet planted on the vinyl, I kept my focus divided between my glass and the door. I’d taken my hood off when I’d walked in but it took less than five minutes of sitting here before I pulled it back over my head. The waitress walked up again, seeming wary as she approached to ask if I was ready to order. I shook my head, knowing I probably looked as bad as I felt, but I hadn’t slept in two days. I had no idea how I was even still awake.
Leaving Tony’s house was harder than I’d thought but after our talk, I knew it was what I had to do. I’d known it the second he said I was making it hard for him. I was being selfish staying there but with Tony, for whatever reason, I felt safe. It didn’t matter though. For two days, I’d been staying on Nikki’s couch. I hated it because I felt like an even bigger inconvenience since Paige spent most of her time there too. I was encroaching on their only time to really be alone together. But, I wasn’t alone. I stared at the door again, wondering what would happen if I just walked out and kept going.
I ground my teeth as I shoved those thoughts aside. It wasn’t me wanting to run. I was managing just fine.
When Denni finally stepped through into the too bright florescent glow of the diner, I lifted my head in acknowledgement. When I spotted Kaitlyn behind her, I immediately wished I’d followed through on walking away after all.
“I thought you said eight-thirty,” Denni said, sliding into the booth. I glanced at the clock and realized it was only eight-fifteen. She was early but I’d been here for two hours.
“Just needed to get out,” I responded evenly, keeping my eyes firmly on the table. Kaitlyn’s presence irritated me. Actually, it pissed me off. I’d asked Denni here for a specific reason and Kaitlyn being here would hinder my ability to ask for what I needed.
“Lili,” Kaitlyn said, and I had to fight to keep from telling her not to call me that. Blowing out a breath, I flicked my eyes up to hers.
“Don’t.” It was a warning. The only one I was going to give her.
“Are you ever going to talk to me?” Her pain was evident and a part of me remembered a time when we were so close it felt like we shared pain. When one of us was upset, the other knew. When one of us hurt, we both felt it. Now, when I looked at her, all I felt was betrayal. I stared at her from under my brows, hoping to portray all of the animosity I was feeling as I reminded myself that I needed Denni’s help so I couldn’t piss them off.
&nb
sp; I decided I needed to get to the point so I could leave. Turning my attention to Denni, I took a deep breath and did something I hated doing.
“I need to borrow seventeen hundred dollars.”
Denni’s eyes widened, her shock apparent. “May I ask why?”
I swallowed back the smartass reply I wanted to make, biting the inside of my cheek until the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. I could focus on that.
“Zane asked for a paternity test. I can have one done now for seventeen hundred.” It was all I could say. His name felt like acid, which was fitting given the blood and raw skin inside my mouth.
Denni’s shock morphed into bewilderment while Kaitlyn’s hand came up to cover her mouth. It only took a moment for Denni to compose herself, straightening her shoulders and turning into the woman I’d always admired growing up. “I’ll tell you what, you let me come with you to the testing and I will pay for it in full.”
I was shaking my head before she even finished. “No deal.” I was already starting to slide out of the booth, annoyed I’d wasted my time and made a fool of myself by asking for help.
“You don’t need to do this alone.” Denni reached for me and I shrugged away from her touch, opening my mouth to speak, but Kaitlyn shocked us both by finally dropping her hand to respond.
“Shouldn’t this be Zane’s responsibility? I mean, if he’s asking for the test, shouldn’t he pay for it?”