He remembered only too clearly how difficult it had been for Aunt Jo when she found out her Wally was gone, and he couldn’t stand the thought of Haley finding out the way his aunt did—two government officials making a routine, sterile delivery and then leaving the woman whose heart had just been ripped out. Ethan drew in a fortifying breath. He would tell Haley, be there for her and somehow help her through this. He hoped she didn’t ‘shoot the messenger’ so to speak, because she’d become a friend as well as an employee and Kayla adored her.
He dropped his head in his hands as guilt and grief for what she faced crawled through him. He’d put this in motion, and he wasn’t running for cover just because it was about to get rough. Really rough.
Ethan stood and headed toward the back door. He couldn’t face Haley right now. He had to have time to pull himself together and figure out what he was going to say. He cracked open the kitchen door. “I’m heading out to get Mom. Be back soon,” he hollered.
He hurried outside, sucked in a deep breath of the warm spring day and wondered when would be the best time to tell Haley this heartbreaking news. It would need to be after the kids were in bed, but then she wouldn’t sleep a wink. Who was he kidding? She wouldn’t sleep for a long damn time no matter when he told her that the husband she’d been waiting on to return was never coming back to her and her son.
****
Haley dropped a bag of Sleepy Time Tea in a cup of water and put it inside the microwave, set the time and pressed start. She stared out the kitchen window at a velvet black sky filled with twinkling stars. “Please come back to me, Dale” she whispered like she did every night. “Our son needs you.”
She used to say that she needed Dale too, but lately her prayer had been more about Ryan. She couldn’t stand the thought of her son never knowing his father. The timer on the microwave went off and she took the steaming tea out and added honey.
With a sigh, she went out back and sat on the deck, wrapping her light-weight blue robe around her. A cat meowed in the distance, a plaintiff sound that mimicked her own feelings and made her shiver.
The back door opened and Ethan stepped out. “Mind if I join you?”
“Of course not.” If truth be told, she welcomed his company.
He sat in the chair beside her, turned to face her more directly and she could see concern in his eyes. Her heart fluttered. “I have something I need to tell you, Haley.”
She frowned as she watched his face, looking for clues. This could not be good. “Am I fired?” she whispered.
“Good Lord no. We all adore you. This has nothing to do with your employment.” He cleared his throat and looked down.
“Then what is it?” she asked, suddenly breathless.
He glanced back up at her, his eyes sad. He took her ice-cold hand, rubbed the pad of his warm thumb over her knuckles and sucked in a deep breath. “I had a phone call earlier today. A friend of mine from the Pentagon called with news about your husband.”
Haley gasped, her free hand flying to her chest, where her heart fluttered like a lost and frightened baby bird. “That was the call you got in the kitchen?” He nodded. She searched his face and knew what he was going to say, could feel it vibrating in the air between them. She jerked her hand free. “No. Dale can’t be gone. He can’t. He hasn’t even met Ryan.” Ethan opened his mouth, but she cut him off before he could get a sound out. “Don’t say it!”
He sat quietly but held her gaze. She looked at him imploringly. “I’m so sorry,” he finally said.
She covered her mouth with her fingers, pressed down hard enough to make her lips go numb. She moved her trembling hand away from her mouth. “Are they sure and why were you called and not me?”
It was Ethan’s turn to look away. “They found his remains. I wanted to be the one to tell you, not the United States government officials.” He cleared his throat. “I contacted a friend a few weeks ago to see if he could locate your husband. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out like we’d hoped.”
Haley’s heart squeezed until she thought she might be having a heart attack. “I don’t believe you. Dale is alive. Do you hear me? My husband is not—he’s not . . .” She couldn’t even say the word.
She began to shake uncontrollably, spilling hot tea on her hand and dropping the cup. It shattered into tiny pieces just like her heart. Ethan gathered her in his arms and pulled her onto his lap, but she couldn’t quit shaking. She jerked away, tried to get off his lap and away from this nightmare.
“Stop. You’ll cut your feet. I’ll carry you in.”
“Let me down.” He held her tighter and she hit him in the chest with both fists as anger reared up and grabbed her. “How dare you go behind my back to find out about my husband.”
“I thought you needed to know. I thought being in limbo like you were was the worst thing for you.”
She shoved as far away from his grasp as she could. “You should have asked me before calling anyone. You had no right to take away my hope. My dreams.”
He winced. “That’s all they were, Haley—dreams. You were stuck in a fantasy, barely getting through each day.”
“I was doing just fine.”
Ethan sighed. “No you weren’t. That’s why you haven’t been able to sleep.”
She stared at him, somehow kept herself from slapping his face. “None of this is your business. You had no right,” she added through gritted teeth.
“I thought about that, and I debated for a long time before I made the call. I did what I felt was best for you. I thought it would be easier to hear it from me, than to have the government show up and give you the news.”
“Easier? Easier?” she repeated, her voice escalating. “There is nothing even remotely easy about this.”
Ethan shook his head. “I didn’t mean it that way. I meant I wanted you to have the support of someone who cared when you heard.”
“Someone who cared would not have butted into my life and destroyed it.”
“I care, Haley. In fact, I care way too much.” His chocolate brown eyes held her gaze. “You deserve to find happiness again, and you could never do that until you knew the truth. I’ve seen the look on your face when you catch yourself having fun. Like you’re being unfaithful. Like you should never have happiness again. Besides, at some point you’ve got to get some sleep.”
Tears ran down Haley’s cheeks. “You think I’m going to sleep now?”
He pulled her toward him, but she stiffened her arms. “Let me go. I want away from you. Now.”
His shoulders sagged as every bit of energy seemed to evaporate from him. Haley cursed herself for even noticing. “I know you won’t sleep tonight,” he said, “or even tomorrow night or the next, but somewhere down the road you will find some peace.”
“Down the road I will be by myself. Raising my son all alone and trying to be strong enough to do a decent job at providing a loving home for him.”
“I have no doubt you can do that. You’ve done it here for Kayla. And me.” He stood and carried her inside then put her down.
She shrank away from him the minute her bare feet touched the floor. “I will never forgive you. Never.”
He sighed and ran both hands through his hair. “Go ahead and be mad, call me names, do whatever helps. Just remember, I only wanted you to have a chance to reclaim your life, and the only way that was ever going to happen was for you to know what you were dealing with.”
“Well, thanks to you, I know now, don’t I?” She buried her face in her hands. “Only I don’t want to know. I can’t stand it.” She raised her head, and wiped at her tears, her hands shaking so much she could barely make them work. “I need to be with Ryan.” She turned and started out of the kitchen. “He’s all I have now.”
Ethan stopped her with a touch on her shoulder. “You’ve got us, too. Please don’t forget that.”
She crossed her arms over her stomach, turned back to him and tried to breathe, but couldn’t seem to get enough air. “I’m yo
ur employee. I don’t have you. I only have Ryan. ”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m your friend, too. Kayla and Mom love you. You are not alone, Haley. Please believe that.”
She felt herself grow faint, then sway. Ethan grabbed her and stared straight into her face, gave her a shake. “Take a deep breath.”
She did as she was told but still felt as if the room were tilting. “Sit.” He pulled up a chair and she sank onto it. He shoved her head between her knees. Take a few deep breaths.
She did as he said. The room stopped spinning, but her heart seemed to stop, too. She heard a wail, a keening cry, and realized it was coming from her. Ethan stooped down and held onto her as deep wrenching sobs wracked her body. Over and over the cries erupted from her, until she felt totally drained and unable to stand on her own. She was dimly aware of Ethan picking her up and carrying her to the couch in the den.
She never knew a person could hurt like this, could feel this much pain and still be alive. Somehow she had to get away from it. She tried to struggle to her feet, and realized Ethan held her down. She slapped at his hands. “Let me up. I need to get to my son.” More sobs tore out of her. “Ryan will never know his daddy. Never. And Dale will never know his son.”
She cried so hard, her stomach rolled with nausea. Ethan must have left the room, because he returned with a cold, wet washcloth and wiped her face. “I’m here for you, Haley, and so is Mother. Please don’t shove me away. I want help you, be there for you.”
“I don’t want your help.” Haley stumbled to her feet and practically ran out of the room. “I want my son. I need him.” She raced up the stairs two at a time and burst into Ryan’s room. He was sound asleep, hugging his teddy bear. Haley dropped to the side of the bed and laid her head on the covers, listened to Ryan’s steady, slow breaths. She climbed onto the bed and curled around him, holding him near her heart and praying that somehow she and Ryan would find a way to mend one another’s hearts, because right now she wasn’t sure she could keep breathing, let alone ever begin to heal.
****
Ethan leaned back in his office chair and watched Haley enter the room, her posture stiff, her mouth drawn, and her eyes sunken. He sucked in a deep breath and got right to the point. “I want to drive you to Knoxville for the funeral.” She shook her head, but he pressed on. “You have no business driving yourself and Ryan. You’re too upset and too damn tired. I promise not to talk. We’ll listen to an audio book or music.”
She didn’t respond and Ethan felt totally helpless. Haley had barely spoken to him for over a week, and now she was determined to drive herself and Ryan to Dale’s memorial service tomorrow. It was too much for anyone to do alone. What if she had a wreck? Chills skittered over him at the thought. Haley hadn’t been able to keep her mind on anything since hearing about Dale and she’d had little, if any, sleep. To make matters worse, her parents couldn’t come. Her dad was sick, and her mom didn’t want to leave him. It pissed Ethan off just hearing they wouldn’t be here for their daughter, but Haley hadn’t seemed surprised.
“How about if Dottie rides with us? Would that be a good enough buffer for you?”
Haley narrowed her gaze on him. “Your mom’s in no condition to do that. Besides, she can’t miss her physical therapy. I will be fine by myself.”
“What if I ordered you as my employee to let me do this?”
She gasped, her blue eyes narrowing. “You wouldn’t do that. You can’t do that. This has nothing to do with my employment.”
His entire body seemed to sag with weariness. “If you crash your car because you fall asleep at the wheel, I’d never forgive myself. I don’t want anything to happen to you, Haley,” he added softly.
Her shoulders slumped, a look of total defeat and exhaustion on her face. “Fine. Drive us.”
“Glad that’s settled. We’ll leave at seven o’clock in the morning. That will give you time to visit with his family before the service.”
Haley sank into a chair and rubbed her forehead. “It’s only his mom and sister. His father died when Dale was in college. His mother and I never got along very well. She thinks he married beneath himself.”
“Well, she’s wrong,” Ethan snapped. “Has she even tried to be a part of Ryan’s life?” He was curious and also wanted to keep Haley talking. This was the first time she’d said more than a word or so to him all week.
Haley shook her head. “Once Dale went overseas for his third tour of duty, she quit talking to me. His sister and I visit on the phone sometimes.”
“Sounds to me like you’re the one who married beneath herself.” He held up a hand to stop her protest. “I’m talking about your husband’s family, not your husband.” He stood and walked around the desk, squatting down beside her. “I’ll be with you tomorrow. No one will be ugly to either you or Ryan.” He reached for her hand, which was cold and clammy. “Your husband chose you, so he obviously didn’t think you were beneath him.”
Haley nodded, tears filling her eyes. “Thank you.” She pulled her hand away. “I will be so relieved when this is over.”
“I’m sure you will.” Good Lord so would he. After this funeral, Haley could finally start the long, slow road to recovery. He prayed she did that, because she’d had it pretty rough and it didn’t seem to him like she had any reserve left.
He thought of his mom and his Aunt Jo. He’d always known losing their husbands had been difficult, but seeing the devastating effects on Haley, made him realize how truly awful it had been. Something like this would impact your life in a way few people would be able to understand. It was totally devastating, and Haley would have to work hard to somehow overcome this. He prayed she had the strength and the will to do that.
****
Haley grasped her son’s hand and watched as two United States Air Force officers folded the American flag that had been draped on Dale’s coffin. She almost felt as if she were having an out of body experience. As much as she hated to admit it, if not for the strong presence of Ethan at her side, she might not have gotten through this. Her mother-in-law had said about five words to her, given Ethan a drop-dead look, and then proceeded to ignore them all, including Ryan, even though Haley had explained why Ethan was there. Dale’s sister had been warmer, but had stayed close to her mom, not saying much to Haley after giving her a big hug. How could Ryan’s grandmother treat her own grandson like this?
Haley wondered how Dale could have come from this cold family. He’d told her once that he joined the air force to get away from them, and Haley finally understood the deep-seeded need he must have felt to break away from their constricting bonds. Thank God she only had to put up with them for a few hours before she could make her escape.
One of the officers handed her the folded flag and she clasped it to her chest, not moving when people approached her, offering their condolences. She nodded and, hopefully, said all the right things, because she couldn’t remember what any of them said to her.
Finally, she felt Ethan touch her elbow. He picked up Ryan and steered her back to his suburban. He opened her door, tucked Ryan into his car seat in the back and then got behind the wheel. Without speaking, he turned on the car and pulled away from the cemetery. “Those people are colder than a polar bear who’s just crawled off an ice berg.”
Haley couldn’t help but smile. “Well said. Thank you for coming. I think I could have made it through on my own, but I’m not sure.” She let out a huge sigh and laid her head back against the head rest. “I don’t want to go to the church reception. I’m not sure I can get through it, and Ryan is exhausted,” she said as her son started to cry in the back seat.
If you think you can last a little while, how about I go buy Ryan and me a hamburger and then come back for you?”
She turned her head toward him, her tired eyes barely focusing. “That sounds like a plan. How long do you think you’ll be gone?”
“How long do you want me gone?”
Forever. The though
t shot through her like lightening, gone as quickly as it had come. She squeezed her eyes shut, knowing that what she truly wanted was Ethan right beside her. But it would be wrong to rely on him. She had to get through this on her own. “Take your time. I’ll be here when you get back,” she managed to say.
He nodded. “An hour tops, then I’m driving you home so you can take one of those sleeping pills the doctor gave you and collapse.”
She jerked her head up. “How did you know about those?”
He winced. “Mom told me. Blame it on her pain pills. She’s never been good at secrets, and now she runs off about everything.”
Haley dropped her head in her hands and rubbed her throbbing forehead. “I haven’t had one yet.”
“I can tell. Why not?”
“I need to be able to hear Ryan if wakes up.”
“I figured you’d say that. How about we trade beds tonight? That way I’ll be close to Ryan if he wakes up. My room’s the quietest place in the house and the farthest away from any kids. I promise you’ll sleep like a baby. If Ryan wakes up, I’ll put him in bed with me.”
She scowled, not liking that idea, but not sure why. Lord knows she needed to get some sleep. She was teetering on the edge of both emotional and physical exhaustion. “We can try that, but only if you promise to get me if there’s a problem.”
“God, you are stubborn. What problem couldn’t I handle, Haley?”
She shrugged, knowing she probably needed Ryan right now a lot more than he needed her. “I guess you’re right,” she agreed hesitantly, knowing if she didn’t get some sleep, she was going to keel over and wouldn’t that be worthy of Mother-of-the-Year Award. Not to mention, Nanny-of-the-Year.
She shoved open her car door and scooted out, so tired that her legs were wobbly. She opened the door to the back seat and kissed Ryan. “Ethan is taking you for a hamburger, honey. Does that sound good?” He stopped crying and kicked at the back of Ethan’s seat. “I’ll see you in a little bit.” Haley gave Ryan another kiss and closed the car door.
A Home for Haley Page 10