Tears seeped out of her eyes, wetting her pillow. She wiped them away, angry with herself for crying. Ethan didn’t deserve her tears any more than she deserved to be treated with such disrespect, and she needed to remember that, no matter how difficult the next few days were.
****
Unfortunately, Haley had barely gotten to sleep when her alarm went off. Groaning, she flipped her sheet back and crawled out of bed. She had a lot to do today, so she might as well get started. Lord knows, she didn’t want to be here when Ethan returned. It would be bad enough spending the evening here and keeping her distance from him.
Quickly she got dressed, pulled her hair back in a ponytail and added a touch of mascara and lip gloss. Ryan began crying just as she finished. She hurried to him and got him dressed. “How about you and I go out for some doughnuts?” His face brightened, and she smiled. “We’re off.”
She carried a still-sleepy Ryan downstairs and out to the car, suddenly anxious to be gone in case Ethan had been able to head home earlier than expected. The minute they were away from the house, her shoulders relaxed.
The day dragged by with one disappointment after another. Keeping her tears at bay, Haley pulled in front of the last place on her list and turned her car off. “Looks nice from here,” she muttered, feeling slightly hopeful. Getting out, she unbuckled Ryan from his car seat, pulled him into her arms and headed for the front door. She rang the bell and a lady about her age opened the door, a smile on her face. “I’m Carla. You must be Haley.”
“I am, and this is my son, Ryan.” Haley stepped inside when the woman motioned her in and was immediately impressed. “I really like that your condo is only one story.”
“Me too,” Carla responded. “I also like that the pool is right outside my back door. There are a fair amount of children here, so that’s why it’s fenced. I’m leaving on a six-month work assignment and need to sublet it, or I would never leave this place. It’s for rent completely furnished. The whole works. About all you’d need is a crib for your son.”
It sounded perfect, so why wasn’t Haley excited? She walked through the living room, admiring the woman’s taste, then stepped into the kitchen. “Oh this is fabulous,” she said running her fingertips over the marbled granite.
“I put that in last winter. Another reason I don’t want to sell it. Plus the people are friendly and the security is good. Let me show you the bedrooms. Each one has its own bathroom, and the master bath has a Jacuzzi.”
Haley followed her, loving everything she saw. The master bedroom was bright and airy with beautiful light green walls and cream colored carpet. Even the bedspread was to her liking. She ran a hand over the soft quilt, admiring the intricate yellow and pink flowers with dark green leaves on each patch. Simple yet elegant.
Ryan hollered for her and she hurried to the other bedroom, where he was looking out the window and pointing. “Swim?”
“Not now, honey.” He scowled, but she ignored him and swept her gaze over what would be his room. It was smaller with only a twin bed, an oak dresser, and a matching book case.
It was perfect.
She should be thrilled.
It was the only thing she’d seen all day that she liked, and the price was reasonable. Unfortunately her heart didn’t seem to want to be reasonable. She cleared her throat and smiled at Carla. “When will it be available?”
Carla laughed. “Tomorrow. It’s more difficult than I realized to rent a fully furnished unit, but I really don’t want it to sit empty for six months. If you like it, you could sign a contract now and move in tomorrow. My flight leaves early tomorrow morning.”
Haley’s stomach twisted into a tight knot. She tried to relax, but that seemed to evade her. She’d been extremely lucky to find this place. It was exactly what she needed, and she and Ryan would enjoy living here.
“There’s a potluck twice a month in the clubhouse, so it would be easy to get to know everyone.”
Haley nodded, warming to that idea. This was definitely what she needed—a nice place that gave her time to think and figure out what she wanted. “I don’t have a list of references with me, but I could pay for six months up front.”
Carla’s green eyes widened. “That would work. Let’s go sit at the dining room table and I’ll show you the contract.”
Haley nodded as excitement and fear wrestled within her, tying her stomach into a bundle of knots. Ethan would be furious. And hurt. She swallowed past the knot in her throat and straightened her shoulders, reminding herself that if he hadn’t pulled that stunt at Kayla’s birthday party, she wouldn’t feel the urgency to get her own place.
She sat at the table and read the contract, then signed her name with a slightly shaky hand. Before she could chicken out, she wrote a big fat check and handed it to Carla, who in turn gave her two keys—one for the condo and another for the mailbox.
“It makes me feel good to know you will be here. It’s a wonderful place to live.”
“It’s a beautiful home,” Haley responded. “I’ll pack tonight and come back tomorrow evening. Want to go swimming tomorrow, Ryan?”
He clapped his hands. “Yes! Go swimming.”
Haley stood and picked him up, praying she’d done the right thing.
Ryan cupped her face in his hands. “KayKay and Daddy come live here?”
Haley swallowed past the tightness in her throat. “No. This will be home for you and me, but they will visit.” She hoped she wasn’t lying.
“They swim too?”
“Sure. If they want to.” After saying goodbye to Carla, Haley carried Ryan out of the condo and buckled him into his car seat. “Let’s not say anything to Kayla and Ethan about this. Okay? Mama will tell Ethan tomorrow.”
Ryan looked puzzled then shrugged. “Okay.”
“Thank you for being such a good boy.” After kissing her son on the cheek, Haley buckled herself in, suddenly breathless at what she had done. By moving out of Ethan’s house, she was separating her son from Kayla. And Ethan. The man he called Daddy. Ryan loved them both, and Ethan certainly treated him like his own son. Tears blurred her vision and she pressed her lips together to stop their trembling.
Poor Kayla. Haley couldn’t stand the thought of hurting her, especially now after the stunt Ellie had just pulled. Haley dropped her head onto the steering wheel, fighting down panic, even though she knew that staying at Ethan’s and feeling the constant tug and pull of their opposite needs was wearing her out. She reminded herself that she wasn’t deserting them. She’d still be there for Kayla. Still make her breakfast and tuck her in at night. At least most nights. But she wouldn’t be there after the kids had gone to bed, that time of the day when she was so vulnerable to Ethan’s charms. So vulnerable that she continued to lose all rationale thought and allowed herself to be swept up by passion.
Raising her head, she took a fortifying breath. Somehow this would work out. It had to, because the thought of not being a part of Kayla and Ethan’s life left her raw and weepy.
But in her heart, she knew it was time, actually past time, she stood on her own two feet and trusted herself to do what was best for both her and her son.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The last two days had been unbearably fraught with tension, and Haley’s neck and shoulders ached with it. Ethan had tried several times yesterday to talk with her about what he’d said in front of his family, but she hadn’t wanted to hear it. How could he so easily dismiss her wish to keep their relationship status quo? Now she felt as if his entire family was watching and waiting to see what she did.
They were in for a surprise come tonight, she thought.
She sank onto a kitchen chair, wondering if all men were as bull-headed and clueless as Ethan had been with this matter. Dale had sometimes been a little bossy, had even pressured her a few times in front of friends to do what he wanted. She hadn’t liked it, but she’d kept silent about it. She’d told herself it was because she loved him and wanted her marriage to work, but
she now realized that she’d been silent because she’d feared confronting him. Fear, plain and simple, was what had kept her quiet, but now more. She had grown from being on her own and was now a strong enough woman to speak out when it mattered. She might be scared, but she refused to let fear dictate her life choices.
She was crazy about Ethan, and she adored Kayla, but for once in her life she was putting her own needs first.
Thank God she had money from the government. It would go a long way in helping her stay strong. Beginning tomorrow morning, she would be living by herself again, but at least she didn’t have to worry about paying her bills. Between Dale’s pension and the hundred thousand dollar death benefit she’d received, she was set financially.
Emotionally, she was anything but set. In fact, she felt pretty frail, but she had to move out of Ethan’s house, even though she would miss seeing him first thing every morning and in the evening after the children were in bed. Especially in the evening, she thought, holding back tears.
Haley dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her temples. Thank goodness she would still be here during the day. She needed to give Kayla extra attention to help her through this transition. Once Kayla got used to not having her here overnight, everyone’s life would smooth back out.
Haley hoped she and Ethan would remain friends. Hopefully, they would someday find a way to work this out. She couldn’t let herself count on that, though, and she’d be wise to remember that. Shoving to her feet, she began dinner and tried to calm her nerves before Ethan came home from work.
****
Ethan must have looked at his watch every five minutes all afternoon. The weekend had been a disaster after he and Kayla had gotten back home. He hoped like hell this evening went better, because the thought of losing Haley was tearing him up, especially since he knew that if he lost her, he had only himself to blame.
Damn, this had been one long, frustrating day, and no matter how hard he’d tried to get his head into work, his mind always circled back around to Saturday’s catastrophe.
What in the world had he been thinking to say what he did? He’d cursed himself a million times for not trusting his instincts about Haley. He couldn’t believe he had let himself be influenced by the screwed up way his ex-wife thought. One of the reasons he’d fallen for Haley was because she was so different than Ellie. Why hadn’t he honored that? Obviously, he’d been clueless just how deeply Ellie’s actions had affected him.
Ethan shoved away from his draft table, grabbed his briefcase, and left the office. He couldn’t sit here another minute. He got into his suburban and headed home to Haley, the only woman who had ever made his house feel like a real home. Haley made everything right and he owed her a huge apology. She hadn’t given him the time of day yesterday, but tonight he would talk with her no matter how distant she was. He was determined to explain his actions, even if she didn’t want to listen. It was the only chance he had of making her understand and, hopefully, giving him the opportunity to win her back.
****
Haley settled the kids in the den to watch a movie so she could talk with Ethan and tell him she and Ryan were moving out this evening. She’d refused to have this discussion last night because she wanted to wait until she was ready to leave. No way could she say what she needed to say and then hang around and try to keep it together.
Ethan would be upset, probably even angry when she told him she’d found her own place, but she hoped he would understand that she needed space to process everything and decide what was best for her.
Haley headed down the hall, dread weighing her down. When she entered the kitchen, Ethan turned from where he was loading the dishwasher and smiled. It was the first smile she’d seen from him in a few days and, as usual, it made her soften like warm butter. She returned his smile even though it felt forced, then sat on the bench at the kitchen table, her heart pounding against her rib cage like an angry woodpecker. She squared her shoulders, ready to get this done before she chickened out. “I need to tell you something,” she said, forcing herself to look at him.
He dried his hands, then walked over to the table and sat across from her. “I’m glad you want to talk. We need to work through this.” He took her hand, which was ice cold. So much for not showing how nervous she was. “I’m sorry about the other day, Haley. It wasn’t my intention to put pressure on you. I want you in my life, but only if you want to be with me.”
His face blurred through her tears. She pulled her hand free and tried to clear her head enough to formulate a coherent sentence. She couldn’t think when he touched her. He crossed his arms over his chest, his brown eyes serious.
She sucked in a steadying breath. This wasn’t going to get easier no matter how she said it, so she might as well just spit it out. “I rented a condo for Ryan and me yesterday.” He started to speak, but she held up her hand and hurried on. “I’ll still be here all day for Kayla, but I want—make that need—to have my own place.”
He stared at her, his eyes hard, not warm and caring like usual, and pain squeezed her chest. When he finally spoke, his voice was hollow and etched with anger. “I know you’re upset, but that’s a bit much, don’t you think?”
Her own anger reared its head. “No. I need to do this. I know the kids will have some adjustment, but they will be okay.”
His jaw muscles bunched, and she fisted her hands in her lap so tight her fingernails dug into her palms. “Some adjustment?” he barked. “Is that what you call it? Our kids love each other like brother and sister. And what about us? Will we make adjustments, and then be fine as rain?”
“I hope we can do that, but right now I’m not sure about anything,” she answered, her voice cracking.
He raked both hands through his hair, then let them drop to the table. “So you’re just going to cut and run? You’re moving out because I teased you about being a permanent part of my life. I get that I overstepped my boundaries, but this?” He shook his head. “I don’t know you at all, do I?”
Blood roared through her ears. “I never dreamed you’d continue to put pressure on me after I explained how I felt, so I guess you know me as well as I know you.”
“Oh that’s rich.” He shoved away from the table and strode over to the counter, leaning back on it and bracing himself with his hands. “So now we’re going to play games? Who knows whom the least? Are we keeping score?” She looked away, at a loss for words. “So tell me, Haley. How many points am I behind?”
“It’s not like that,” she retorted. “But I need time for myself so I can sort things out in my life.”
“Time away from me is what you really mean.”
Oh God, this was way worse than she’d thought it would be. “Yes,” she managed to say. “But it’s more than that. I need time for myself, so that I can sort out my feelings. I’m not ready for marriage, but I can’t seem to stay out of your bed living under the same roof as you. I feel…” She hesitated. “Out of control.”
He arched his brows. “I thought you liked feeling out of control. Lord knows I do, and it’s long overdue. For both of us.”
She cleared her throat as heat flared in her face. “The fact remains, I don’t feel like you’re giving me enough space to make my own choices. You’re pushing me to be where you are emotionally, and I’m not there.” She looked away, not wanting to see the anger that had turned his face to granite. “I can’t be there now. I thought you understood that, but obviously I was wrong.”
“You weren’t wrong,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I admitted that and I apologized.”
“Which I appreciate, but the fact is you said what you did even after I’d made myself perfectly clear that I didn’t want any more pressure on marriage. Right now I don’t feel as if I can trust you to not do that again, so I’m taking myself away from . . . from you,” she finally managed to get out. “Even though I absolutely hate doing this to the children.”
He leaned toward her, anger radiating off him
in waves, and his broad chest seemed to take up most of her space “Children are always the innocent victims when adults mess up. You of all people should know that.”
“I do know that.” She gulped in much-needed air. “But sometimes it can’t be helped.”
His stare was hard and unyielding. “I thought you and I had a strong enough relationship to work this out, and not put our kids through any more loss,” he said in a voice she didn’t even recognize.
“I thought so too,” she forced out her dry throat, “but right now, I have no idea what will happen with us. You’re right about one thing though. We need to handle this so Kayla and Ryan won’t be devastated.”
He huffed out an obviously disgusted breath and shook his head. “Don’t think for a minute there won’t be a huge fall out, especially with Kayla.”
“I know,” she whispered, dropping her head into her hands and rubbing her forehead. “I have anguished over it. I thought I’d take Kayla over to the condo tomorrow and show her where Ryan and I will be living. There’s a pool. The kids and I can swim if that’s okay with you.”
“Of course it’s okay. Why would you think you even had to ask?”
“Because we haven’t been speaking the last couple of days,” she shot back. “I’m not sure about anything right now.”
“We haven’t been speaking because you wouldn’t give me the chance to talk with you. You cut me off every time I tried, and I got tired of trying.”
His words rang true and she cringed, but she couldn’t think about that ugly truth now. She let out a weary sigh, too tired to think at all. The urge to get out of here overwhelmed her. “I don’t want to argue with you, Ethan. It’s been a long, exhausting day.”
“Secrets will do that to you.”
She narrowed her gaze on him. “I told you my plans as soon as I knew them.”
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