The thought of Ryan having a needle put in one of his tiny veins had Haley fighting back tears. She hated this. Hated that her baby was so sick and that he would be traumatized this early in life. “He will fight it,” she whispered, both to herself and the doctor.
“We know what we’re doing and will get it done as quickly as possible,” the doctor said. “Would you like to step out of the room for this?”
Haley shook her head. No way would she desert her son. “I want to be here.” Make that need to be here. No way did she want to be here, and no way did she want Ryan to go through this, especially on his own.
“He’s too sick to fight very much,” the doctor said quietly enough that Ryan couldn’t hear.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Haley responded.
Dr. Crowley patted her arm. “Yes, because what we’re giving him will perk him up in no time. Too bad we can’t help you as easily.”
The nurse returned with a tray of supplies, and Haley began shaking. The doctor gave her an understanding smile. “It will be fine. Stand beside his head. We are going to swaddle the rest of him to keep him still. He won’t like it, but we are not hurting him. Do your best to hold his head still.”
Oh God, she wasn’t sure she could do this. Haley held Ryan’s head and stroked his face. He was so hot that heat radiated onto her own face as she bent over him and spoke softly, trying her best to reassure him. She closed her eyes and prayed for all she was worth.
“Hi Ryan,” the nurse said, stroking his arm. “I’m Barbara. I’m going to give you some medicine to make you feel better.” She swaddled him tightly except for one arm, which she picked up.
“Talk to him,” the doctor said as she moved in to help keep Ryan’s arm still.
Haley swallowed hard. “Look at me, honey. Would you like to watch cartoons when the nurse is done?”
Ryan shook his head. “Me want Daddy.”
Of course he did. They both wanted Ethan.
“Okay, Ryan,” the nurse said. “There will be a little prick and then we’ll be all done.”
She held his hand and swiped the top of it with alcohol. Ryan screamed and fought to pull away, but the doctor held his arm and hand steady. Haley turned her head away and somehow managed to hold in her own cries. After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse spoke. “All done. And you were a very good boy,” she said as she un-swaddled him.
The air whooshed out of Haley and tears fell, plopping onto Ryan’s red face as he continued to cry. She wiped her tears off his cheeks. “You will feel better soon, honey. I promise.”
Dr. Crowley rubbed Ryan’s leg. “I think you were a very brave young man. So brave that you deserve a big Popsicle. What color do you want?”
“Yellow,” Ryan answered with a sniff. The doctor nodded and smiled at Haley. “When the nausea medicine starts to work, the nurse will bring him a yellow popsicle. You look like you need to sit,” she added, nodding to the recliner.
Haley’s shoulders slumped and her legs turned rubbery. She shoved the recliner closer to Ryan’s bed and sank onto it, holding Ryan’s needle-free hand. “How long before his fever comes down?”
“Not long. Fluids are a wonderful thing. The medicine we gave him for his tummy is already making him sleepy.” Dr. Crowley nodded toward Ryan, whose eyes were drooping. “I’ll be back to check on him in about an hour or so. Press this button if you need anything.”
Haley nodded, exhaustion filling her to her very core, but she refused to close her eyes. She wanted to watch Ryan, make sure his fever came down. After about thirty minutes, she could tell a difference. “Thank God,” she whispered, thankful he hadn’t thrown up again either. She wiped Ryan’s curls off his sticky forehead and kissed it, the feel of his cooler skin calming her. Letting out a pent up breath, she scooted back in her seat and made herself as comfortable as she could.
She should probably warn Ethan that he and Kayla had been exposed to the stomach bug. She glanced at the clock and was surprised it was close to midnight. She shouldn’t call Ethan this late, even though it would be nice to hear his voice. She had no doubt that if she called him, Ethan would come as soon as he could. He cared deeply for Ryan and would want to be here for him. And for her. The realization brought a fresh wave of tears.
Ethan was the only person in her life who she could count on, even if they were no longer lovers. She would call him first thing tomorrow. Ryan wanted him, just like she used to want her father when she’d felt bad, but unlike her father, Ethan would come. He was so different than her dad. He would want to be here for Ryan. She knew that without a doubt and while that knowledge felt good, it also made her sad. Ryan’s own grandfather would not come if he lived here, but she and Ethan were estranged, and he would still come.
Knowing that made her feel cared for in a way she’d never felt, not as a child and certainly not as an adult. Her father had never been there for her—not when she was sick, not even for her husband’s funeral. Her mother might as well have been a single mom. She had been forced to carry the demanding job of parenting all on her own.
For the first time, Haley realized with stark clarity how tough that must have been on her mother. Her father wasn’t supportive of anyone, not just his daughter. When he’d pleaded being sick and hadn’t come for Dale’s funeral, Haley had felt certain he wasn’t ill. Her mother should have flown here without him. Been here for her daughter. Fresh anger churned through Haley.
Her mother always chose her husband over her daughter, and for the first time in her life, Haley knew with certainty that neither her father nor her mother would ever be there for her in a time of need. She had to accept that. And it was time she put a stop to her father’s continued harassment about loaning him money. She pulled in a cleansing breath, knowing it was time—past time—she did that. She would change her phone number at the first opportunity.
Feeling stronger, Haley settled into the quiet room. She had finally accepted what kind of man her father was, and that gave her the courage to protect herself from his continued harassment. As for her mother, she would always stand by her husband. Always put him first, no matter the situation. In many ways that hurt even worse, because Haley would never desert Ryan. Never.
Ryan stirred and emitted a small cry. She jumped up and stroked his forehead, which was no longer feverish. He opened his eyes part way. “Mama,” he murmured as he fought to keep his eyes open.
Haley took his small hand in hers. “Go back to sleep, Ryan. Mama is here,” she said feeling utterly alone. It wasn’t a new feeling, but it slammed through her with enough force to leave her breathless. She supposed being scared to death for your child’s health would do that to you.
She thought of Dale and how much easier this would be if he were here. Yet even before he had left on his third tour of duty, he was often gone. In fact, he had not been home for much of their marriage. When he was there, he’d been attentive and supportive, but those times had been far and few between. Haley sucked in a quick breath as another revelation barreled through her. She’d married a man who was rarely available to her. A man like her father, at least in that respect.
She gasped and clamped a hand over her mouth. She wondered what he would have done if she’d told Dale straight out that she didn’t want him to take that last tour. What was wrong with her that she never verbalized her own needs, preferring to make her husband’s needs more important than her own.
Haley’s breath caught in her throat like a spider web, clogging it until she could barely breathe. She was just like her mother—a woman unable to voice her own needs.
She laughed, a bitter laugh, because the truth was devastating to admit. And even harder to accept.
She never verbalized her needs because she’d grown up knowing they would be ignored, by both parents but especially by her father. He had colored every relationship in her life—her and her mother’s, her and Dale’s. And, oh how she hated to admit it, but her and Ethan’s.
How woul
d it have changed things if she had talked to Ethan, told him straight out why his pressure affected her so strongly? But how could she have done that, when she hadn’t realized it until now? She fought back despair. Ethan had deserved to know why his insistence about marriage made her want to run away and never look back. His pressure had consumed her, eaten at her until she could barely manage a coherent thought, much less a coherent sentence.
She had been so scared to voice her own needs that she’d allowed Dale to go on his third tour of Afghanistan without even saying, “I do not want you to go. Don’t do this.”
Her life today might be totally different if she’d been honest and upfront with Dale. Would he have not signed up for that last tour? Chosen to be home more often? She couldn’t help but wonder if Dale would have listened to her and stayed home. She would never know, but she’d like to think he might have re-evaluated his decision.
Tears spilled down her cheeks and she cried for all she’d lost—Dale the day he’d left for his last tour of duty and her father who had never been there to support either her or her mother. And she cried the hardest for her mother who had never had the courage to do what Haley was just now discovering she had the power and, hopefully the courage, to do.
****
Ethan stirred as a noise filtered through his dreams—his very hot dreams of Haley—and woke him. He glanced at his bedside clock and groaned. Midnight. His cell phone chirped and he was instantly wide awake. No one called at midnight unless there was something wrong. He grabbed the phone off the bed stand, saw Haley’s name, and shot straight up.
“What’s wrong?” he asked by way of answering.
“Ryan’s in the hospital.”
Ethan shot out of bed and grabbed his jeans and a t-shirt. “What happened?” he asked, pulling on his t-shirt with one hand.
“He had fever and vomiting and got dehydrated. They put an IV in him. His fever is down, but . . .” He heard her gulp for air. “I need you, Ethan. I know it’s the middle of the night, but is there any way can you come?” Her voice cracked as she finished her request, and Ethan’s heart pounded against his rib cage.
“I’m on my way,” he said, yanking one leg of his jeans on.
“But you have Kayla.”
“I’ll get a neighbor to come over until Mom can get here.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
He could tell she was crying. “Hang on, Haley. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” He jerked the other leg of his jeans up, slipped on a pair of loafers, then called his next door neighbor, who said she’d be right over.
By the time he’d called his mom, brushed his teeth and gone downstairs, Kathleen was ringing the front door bell. He let her in. “Thanks for coming. Mom’s on her way.”
“Glad to do it. You okay?”
Far from it, but thankful as hell Haley had called him. “I’m fine. Thanks again for coming.” He hurried to his car, surprised but grateful that Haley felt she could still rely on him. He hadn’t given her a whole lot of reason to feel that way lately. Swearing, he pressed on the accelerator and headed to the hospital.
A few minutes later, he parked and jogged into the hospital before he realized he had no idea where in the hospital he was going. He called Haley back. “I’m here. Where are you?”
“Third floor, room three-twenty-four.”
“How’s he doing?” he asked punching the button for an elevator.
“Better. I . . . I should have waited until morning to call you.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t even think it. See you in a minute.” He pocketed his cell and stepped into the elevator. Sucking in a deep breath, he tried to quiet his nerves. Ryan is okay. There is no need to panic. From the sound of Haley’s voice, Ryan was probably doing better than his mom at this point. He and Haley’s relationship might be over, but he was unbelievably glad she had not cut him out of Ryan’s life completely. He loved that little boy.
He stepped off the elevator, grimaced at the smell of disinfectant, and hurried down the sterile tile floor to Ryan’s room. After giving a light knock, he pulled in a long, deep breath and shoved the door open.
Haley sat in a recliner next to Ryan, who was sleeping. She looked like she’d been through the wringer—hair going every which way, eyes blood shot and swollen—but she’d never looked more beautiful to him. He strode over, rested a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. She stood and wrapped her arms around his waist. He held her gently as he breathed in her scent, felt her curves mold to him, and thanked God she’d called. He felt a shudder run through her and pulled her closer. She rested her head on his shoulder and he felt some of his tension ease.
When she edged away, Ethan shifted his attention to Ryan, his heart constricting at how tiny and helpless he looked. The IV was taped to the top of one hand. Ethan could only imagine how difficult it had been for Haley to watch them put an IV in her son’s hand, especially since he’d been dehydrated. Ethan’s stomach clenched at the thought of what both Ryan and Haley had been through tonight, and he wished Haley had called him sooner.
“Poor little guy,” he said, running a hand over the top of Ryan’s head.
Ryan opened his eyes. “Daddy,” he said hoarsely, reaching for Ethan.
Ethan leaned down and kissed his cheek, held Ryan as close as he could without disturbing the IV. “I hear you’ve been kinda puny.” Ryan nodded solemnly. “Looks like the doctors made you better.”
“They poked me. It hurt.” Ryan looked down at the needle taped in his hand and teared up.
“It’s okay,” Ethan said, kissing him again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for that,” he said softly. “But I’m here now and I’m staying.” He figured he might as well get that out in the open. He wasn’t leaving Haley and Ryan, no matter what Haley said.
“I want you to stay.” Haley’s voice pulled Ethan’s attention back to her pale face with dark circles under her eyes—exhausted eyes that tugged at his wounded heart.
Keeping a hand on Ryan’s leg, he grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it next to hers. “No way would I leave, but it’s nice you want me to stay,” he said, fighting to keep the surprise from his voice.
She nodded, both fatigue and wariness on her face. He wondered if her earlier hug had been born of exhaustion and pure need. Would she have called him if she hadn’t felt desperate? Lord knows it had taken her long enough. “Did Ryan ask for me?”
“Yes.”
“So that’s why you called,” he said, not able to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice.
She broke eye contact with him. “Partly.” She hugged herself and seemed to turn inward. Silence coated the room, giving him way too much time to wonder what was going on in that head of hers.
He waited for her to say more, even though he wasn’t at all sure he wanted to hear the rest of what she had to say.
“I should have called before I did,” she began. “But things were so hectic and they needed to get an IV started.” She pressed her fingers against her mouth, fighting tears. “Everything happened so fast. Ryan’s cries woke me up and when I got to his room, he’d thrown up. His fever was a hundred and four.” She swallowed hard. “I put him in the tub. Gave him Tylenol, but he couldn’t keep it down.”
Ethan glanced at Ryan who had fallen back asleep. “Good thing you brought him in.”
Haley nodded, her eyes glued to her son. “I was so scared. I still am, but not near as much. It helps having you here,” she added softly.
Ethan ran a hand down her arm but then pulled back, settling both hands in his lap. “Anyone would have been scared, Haley. I would have been here a lot sooner if I’d known.” The words were out before he could censor them.
“I know that,” she admitted, and his spirits lifted ever so slightly. At least she knew she could count on him.
She swiped at a lone tear. “Being the only comfort and support for your son when he’s fighting the nurse and then lying helpless in a hospital bed, made me feel more alone than I’ve eve
r felt. It also made me take a long, hard look at my life.” She cleared her throat, not meeting his gaze. “I realized a few things. Better late than never,” she added with a fake laugh and Ethan knew then she was in a world of hurt –a hurt that went far beyond Ryan’s illness.
He took her hand, rubbed his thumb across her knuckles. “I’m listening.”
She turned her hand over and clasped his. “I’ve been such a coward,” she whispered. “All my life I’ve been a coward.”
He shook his head. “I don’t see you as a coward, Haley.”
She tried to pull her hand away, but he held onto her. She licked her lips, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ve had pressure from my dad for one thing or another as long as I can remember. I’ve watched my mom cave over and over under his constant badgering.”
Shame washed through Ethan at the pressure he had put on her. “I’m so sorry I pressured you too. I knew your dad had been bugging you for money. I didn’t realize how pervasive his manipulation had been all your life.”
“Manipulation is a good word.”
“No wonder you hated what I said at Kayla’s party.” He leaned toward her and rested his forehead on hers. “I’m so sorry, Haley.”
“I believe you.” She held his gaze for a while then leaned back, rubbing the tops of her arms. “I should have told you why it affected me so strongly,” she continued. “The thing is, I didn’t know myself until tonight. Things kind of came together for me about an hour ago.”
“I’ve heard you argue with your dad several times, seen you not answer your phone. I can’t believe I didn’t figure some of this out on my own.” He cringed inwardly. He must have reminded her of her father every time he bugged her about marriage.
She reclaimed his hand and held on tight. “How could you have put it together? I should have told you more about my childhood. Please don’t think you are like my father. You’re nothing like him.”
“God, I hope not.”
She touched the side of his face, a tentative touch, then pulled her hand away. He wanted to grab it back and tuck it onto his lap, but he managed to refrain.
A Home for Haley Page 27